Vicious Circles

Chapter 24

I had thought so long and hard about what I wanted to say to Mason when I finally had the chance. When the time came I abandoned every bit of it and said whatever was on my heart. Nothing else seemed worth the time and effort. We both knew we were wrong and that we were sorry.

October 2010

“Why does my hairbrush have cat hair in it?” I asked as I walked into my living room.

Lynn burst into laughter, as did Dave. “What? You’re joking right?”

I dangled the brush from two fingers in disgust. “No, really I am so not joking. There is Pilgrim hair in my brush.”

Mason emerged from the kitchen with a small kitten under his arm. “What are you blaming Pilgrim for now?”

“Apparently he’s grooming himself with Fallyn’s brush,” Dave said shaking his head.

“Whatever,” Lynn said standing and taking the kitten. “I think Mason brushed him with your brush, Fallyn.” She handed me the baby cat and Martin watched with disgust from his spot in the corner.

I looked at my boyfriend in disbelief. “You didn’t…I’ll beat you with this brush. Look at Martin, he’s starved for attention.”

Somehow I had ended up with two cats in my apartment and neither belonged to me. Mason claimed they were good therapy for me. I claimed that he got tired of dragging them around on tour and wanted me to watch them without complaint.

“Is this a test on how many times we can say the word, brush?” Dave asked in amusement.

I huffed and almost stomped my foot. “Ever since you brought that thing home I’ve found cat hair on the bed and on my clothes…we should shave him. Let’s shave the kitten.”

“Yes, baby…let’s shave the cat because that’s the normal thing to do.” He smirked and my need to smack him lessened.

“Well I’m out of here ladies and gentlemen.” Lynn gathered her jacket and bag. “I’ve got an early flight.”

Mason and Dave followed Lynn out, leaving me behind with the two felines. I fell gracefully to the couch and flipped the television on. “It’s just you and me, kid.” I said to the kitten before setting him down on the cushion next to me.

The apartment I was renting was not my final stopping place, thank hell. Shortly after my moment with Mason in Dave’s car, I decided that the house was a wart on my f*cking toe and it had to be dealt with. It was sucking money and spirit from me. Mason couldn’t have been happier. The place meant horrible things to him and I had already caused him enough pain. We had caused one another enough pain.

We’d decided to take things slower the second time around because it just seemed like the right thing to do. He rarely stayed over and I concentrated on what I wanted to do in my life. It was sort of like finding myself but not really. I knew who I was, but I had never taken the time to decide what I could do. Acting was not in the cards for me. I finished my first big movie and declined all other offers that had come my way. Mason and I had gone to a few of my therapy sessions together. He was trying. The devil kitten was good proof of that. He’d rescued him from certain doom near a dumpster in Burbank.

“Did Dave go too?” I asked, my eyes trained on Pilgrim who was falling asleep face first in the couch cushion.

Mason closed the door and locked it behind him. “Yeah, he’s got some audition in the morning.”

He sat down next to me and I flipped sideways so I could cuddle up against him. “Mason, why did you feel like it was your fault…when I started using?”

“I felt like I should have stopped it before it got out of hand.” He sighed and lifted my face with his index finger. “I know better now.”

“You can’t control an addict,” I said, smiling up at him.

He leaned forward and kissed me lightly on the lips. “More like, you can’t control Fallyn.”

“Either one works for me.” I laughed and rolled away from him. “What would you say about me going back to school?”

“Where did that come from?” He pushed on my ass until I stretched out along the length of the couch.

“I don’t know…I’ve been thinking and it feels right.” I moved so he could lie down behind me. Pilgrim cried and I moved him to the carpet where he took off toward Martin.

Mason ran his fingers through my hair absentmindedly; he was tired. “I think you should do whatever makes you happy, Fallyn. I’ll adjust to whatever that may be.”

I stifled a yawn myself. “We’ve got two mouths to feed.” I gestured toward Martin and the ornery kitten hanging off his head. “I better learn how to do something and fast.”

“I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too.”

“Do you remember that night in Philly?”

“You were an a*shole,” I said immediately.

Mason rolled and pinned me underneath his body. “Take that back or you’ll be sorry.”

I admired the sexy, mischievous smirk on his face and decided I definitely wanted to try my luck. “You were arrogant and far too sure I was going to fall head over heels for you.”

“You liked it…”

“Someone needed to take you down a notch or two.”

He grabbed my waist and squeezed. I giggled which was something that was new to me. The feeling of being completely free was still so new and wonderful. The fact that the man I loved was so pleasing to the eye didn’t escape me. With all the shit I had going on before; I never took the time to just appreciate Mason. He was far from perfect, clearly…but I loved that.

Still, he managed to be everything I needed. The fact that we reconciled after all the drama that occurred between us was a damn miracle. I would admit that to anyone, anytime. He had internalized everything, every feeling, and it had eaten at him slowly. He’d admitted to me, in so many words, that he felt guilty for my brush with death and that was enough to keep him away.

We never really talked about Jill but he knew I put flowers on her headstone once a month. It was my way of making peace with myself.

I admired the way his cheeks wrinkled with his wide grin as we quietly looked at one another. “I think we got it right this time,” he said softly.

A lazy smile graced my lips. “Who knows? I’m concerned about this moment in this day.”

Mason leaned down and gathered my lips in his. We kissed noisily until a small cry broke up the fun. I looked over at Pilgrim who was rolled onto his back and clearly waiting for one of us to lift him up off of the floor. Mason laughed and moved so I could right myself.

“Maybe he’s hungry,” I said wistfully.

“No,” Mason held the kitten up to eye level. They stared at each other. “He’s just jealous.”

December 2010



The month of December was the hardest month since I’d gotten clean. All I could think about was the previous year and Mason’s absence. It was a daily battle against my inner demons but I couldn’t do it to him. I couldn’t put Lynn, Chris or any of the boys through that shit again. Of course, I’d finally met Mason’s family and that added to the pressure. According to him, they loved me and I wanted to keep it that way.

I’d kissed the tiny apartment goodbye and made the plunge. Mason and I had officially moved in together. We’d spent so much time together, but actually sharing his space and waking up next to him each morning was enough to keep me going.

Finally, I was balancing school with a part time job at some funky music store in Hollywood. It was a shit job and I didn’t make much money, but I was happier than I’d ever been before. I didn’t mind cleaning cat litter, cleaning a house or grocery shopping for ten of Mason’s friends every week. Those things made me happy and it was f*cking nice to just be. I had no idea what I wanted to major in, but I was in school and accomplishing things. I could live with that.

“Mason’s been weird lately. I think he’s up to something.” I set a plate of cookies in front of Lynn and took the seat at the table across from her. “Oatmeal raisin,” I said pointing at the plate.

Lynn picked one up and took a small bite. “What do you mean exactly? Weird how?”

I tossed a balled up napkin at her forehead. “Now you’re being weird.”

“I’m not.” She held her hands up in surrender. “Now tell me…weird how?”

“He’s been like…having secret conversations with Dave.”

Lynn giggled until it turned into full blown laughter. She had to set her cookie down. “Oh Fallyn…shit. Maybe he’s in love with Dave. Seriously? You know how those two are!”

I rolled my eyes and gave her a look. “You’re a first class ass hat, Lynn. You know what I mean.”

She covered my hand with hers as the laughter subsided. “He loves you and I think you’re being paranoid. Maybe he’s planning some elaborate Christmas present.”

“That’s not his style. He isn’t capable of thinking that far ahead.”

Lynn’s phone rang and I left her alone in my kitchen to talk to whoever it was.

Mason had bought the house we were living in, which meant my name wasn’t on the deed. Still, it was ours. It had a good mix of my things and his. It wasn’t too big or too small and it was close to everything and everyone that mattered to us. There was two extra bedrooms, which we did absolutely nothing with, and there was a garage where the band played until the food ran out.

I’d noticed Mason was acting weird after I’d met his family for the first time. It was nice to see an entire family unit that cared for one another and functioned normally. It was the first time I’d ever heard Mason talk about his future and the fact that said future might contain kids and a wife. My heart had swelled at the fact that I could be that woman for him. I could be that person.

“That was Mason,” Lynn said finding me in the living room flipping through my cds. “He is being a creeper.”

“See, I told you!” I exclaimed without turning away from my collection of music.

“We should call Chris,” she said with an amused tone, “he’s weak enough to spill whatever is going on.”

“That’s if he even knows,” I said doubtful that her plan would work.

“Well, it must be good whatever it is…”

I turned and grinned. “Yeah? You think?”

She nodded and pulled the CD I was holding in my right hand. “I guess you’ll find out.”

“You know something!” I pointed my finger at her accusingly. “Give me my cd back you traitor. You know!”

She danced around my attempts to grab the case back from her. Mason knew I didn’t like it when he kept things from me and getting my best friend involved was crossing the line.

***

I had finally forgotten all about Mason and his creepiness. A lot of that had to do with the fact that he’d gone off to film a role and I was swamped with school work. It was all I could do to get my homework done each night before passing out face first on the bed. Usually, I woke up the next day with my clothes from the day before still on.

When the last final before Christmas break was done, I breathed a sigh of relief. My life was my own again. I baked; I watched ridiculous old Christmas movies and bawled. I did everything I wanted to do and it felt good. It felt good waking up rested each morning. The scars of what I’d been through were still there but I could look at myself in the mirror and acknowledge them. I’d come to realize with Mason away on location that I was self-sufficient. I was finally strong enough to be the woman he deserved and damn if it didn’t put a smile on my face every day.

Mason came home on Christmas Eve by sheer luck only. He’d missed the flight the day before and I was sure I wouldn’t see him for at least a few days. Instead, he was standing in our kitchen eating the ‘F’ from the sugar cookies I’d made. Some things never change.

“I missed you,” he said with a mouthful and a wink.

“I missed you too. Although I think Martin and Pilgrim were more miserable than I was.”

I expected a bold middle finger in response but instead he kept his eyes trained on our tiled floor. The half-eaten cookie was pressed tightly in between his thumb and index finger.

“Mason?” I started to move closer but stopped.

“Fallyn, baby. I want to ask you something and this isn’t the time or place.” He dropped the cookie and ran that same hand through his hair. “F*ck, this isn’t even how I planned this, but I can’t wait.”

I looked at him wide eyed and confused. “Is something wrong?”

“No, nothing is wrong. Actually, everything is right. It’s nothing like I imagined it but it’s so right.” His eyes were pleading as he stared me down from across the kitchen.

“Mason, you sound like an idiot.”

He crossed the space separating us and kissed me on the forehead. “You couldn’t be any more right. You have no idea. I’m an idiot and I’ll always be an idiot but this idiot loves you.”

I smiled and I could feel a blush rise in my cheeks. He stroked my flushed skin.

“There was a whole plan for this and it wasn’t my style at all but I thought it would make you happy. Then just now, I realized that you’re happy already. I can look you in the eyes and see that you’re happy.”

“I am,” I said with a nod of my head.

“Fallyn, I need you to marry me.”

The breath I’d been sucking in stopped and I feared my throat would close. I didn’t react or cry or anything. I stared at him.

He nodded slowly with his hand still resting on my heated cheek. “You’ll marry me, right?”

My lungs sprung back into action and slowly, a shy smile crossed my lips. “That’s a silly question.”

I leaned in and he met me halfway. He kissed me. Somewhere at our feet Pilgrim cried, but that time he would have to wait. Nothing would interrupt our lives and the fact that Mason wanted to throw his last name into the mix was a clear sign that we’d keep fighting the good fight no matter what.