Vicious Circles

Chapter 22

My healing began sometime toward the end of March in the year 2010. I woke to a life I didn’t recognize, which wasn’t all that shocking since I had done everything possible to sabotage my own happiness. Of course, I learned that much later…much, much later. I still have the note Mason wrote me that day. He told me I couldn’t find myself with him in the way.

Mid April 2010

Dear Mason,

I don’t blame you for leaving. At least I don’t blame you right this minute. My mind changes every hour or so, but I haven’t learned when to trust myself. A part of me always knew that I would lose you and I still took the chance. Maybe I don’t love you as much as I thought. No, that’s a lie. I still love you as much today as I did then.

Lynn was there when I woke up for the first time. I’d really done a f*cking number on myself. I shot myself up with heroin. Did you know that? I’m not sure if you’d heard from someone. It’s been all over the gossip magazines. They finally dug up the truth about me and my family. Lynn says that I’ll rise above it and be a much better person for it. She comes to see me now that I can have visitors.

I think about being high all the time. I think about drowning my sorrows in drugs more than I think about you, Mason.

I understand why you left. This whole thing was my fault and I am really, truly sorry.

Love Always,

Fallyn

***

Mason,

You could have given me a reason. I waited for you for two days and you never came back. Lynn hardly left my side and even Chris stopped by to see how I was. They put twenty stitches in my head and I had two black eyes. I would have died if you didn’t show up when you did; at least that’s what the Doctor says. I overdosed on heroin. Heroin.

I always wondered how my sister wasted away right in front of me like she did and I finally know. I didn’t want to see what was really going on. I couldn’t bear the thought of knowing the truth. I was wasting away right in front of you. I just wanted someone to see me. Did you ever see me?

Fallyn

***

Dear Mason,

Today was hard. I talked about you and I cried. I’ve gotten so used to talking about London and my mother, but talking about us and how much I f*cking love you is just too hard. My therapist says that it’s all right.

I don’t think it’s all right. You haven’t called or written.

My director came to see me today, which shocked the hell out of me. He says the studio wants me to resume my role. He brought me flowers and they’re beautiful.

For some reason I can’t let you go and I don’t know why. Lynn doesn’t ever bring you up to me, which is probably a bad idea. I want to talk about you. I miss the way your skin smells right after you walk out of the shower. I miss your hands and the calluses from playing your guitar. Most of all, I miss the way you looked me right in the eyes and told me you loved me without even saying the words. Wasn’t any of that good enough for you?

I’ve ruined things and I know that. Didn’t you know how much I loved you?

Missing you,

Fallyn

***

Mason,

Dave came to see me today and he told me everything. I’ve wasted so much energy missing you while you’ve been on tour as if nothing happened. He held me when I started to cry. The hardest part of rehab so far has been realizing that you aren’t coming back and I have to find myself. I have to find out who Fallyn is without Mason.

My life was close to being over. I almost died and you left me. You gave up on me like everyone else in my life. Slowly, I’m learning who truly cares for me in this world. Lynn has been my shoulder to lean on since I woke up. She’s been here with me the whole way. That’s more than I can say for you.

Fallyn

***

“How are you today?” Lynn asked as we walked side by side to the patio.

I sighed and rubbed at my wrist, a nervous habit I’d picked up since letting the drugs go. “I’m OK today, I think. The night terrors haven’t come back.”

She smiled grimly and sat in an empty wicker chair before patting the empty one next to her.

“Chris sends his love. He says he’ll be around next week. He’s got a surprise for you.”

“I’m slightly scared.”

“Don’t be,” Lynn laughed. “He’s harmless.”

I picked at a loose thread on my t-shirt. “I get to go back to work after ninety days…as long as I stay clean.”

“Are you going to be ready for that?” She asked genuinely concerned.

“Maybe, who knows? I’ve got a house to pay for now. I’ll have to work either way.” The house was still a sore subject for me. Lynn had hired a cleaning crew but it wasn’t the mess that bothered me. “Have you talked to Mason?”

Lynn shifted in her chair. “No…he doesn’t return my calls either, Fallyn. I’m sorry.”

I looked out over the Pacific Ocean and took a deep breath, breathing in the briny, salty air.

“He’s really gone. I think I’m finally coming to terms with that.” It hurt my heart to say the words. “You know, I accepted Jill’s death almost immediately. I miss her sometimes.”

“You’re allowed to miss her. She was a person too…who happened to be lost to the streets.”

“That could have been me,” I announce loudly. I stood up and smoothed a few stray hairs from my face. “I’m not sorry I met Mason because that could have been me, Lynn. I’ll always feel like I owe him my life. Even if he never wants to see me again, I can live the rest of my life the right way because he gave me the chance.”

As usual, I began to cry. I sunk back to the chair next to Lynn and covered my face with both hands as I wept. I could feel her arm wrap lightly around my shoulders as she pulled me to her. No matter who, what or when, I always ended up crying over the loss of Mason Jennings.

“Just get better OK? We’ll worry about the mundane shit when you’re home. I’m here for you.”

I wiped my eyes and whimpered slightly. “I know. It’s just so hard. This is all so hard.”

“Some of it will get easier.”

I nodded and gave Lynn a hug goodbye.

***

Dear Mason,

The moon was full last night and as much as I wanted to ignore the thought of you, I couldn’t. The pain in my chest was the same but I didn’t have the urge to run away from it like I did before. Maybe I’m getting better. Everyone says I look amazing and some days I feel amazing but it’s so hard to believe them. There is no way I deserved a second chance after what I put you and everyone else through, but I got one anyway. I’m still here.

I weighed myself this morning and I’ve gained ten pounds. Lynn bought me some new clothes and hung them in my closet at the house so they would be there when I got home. Chris brought me an ID bracelet with my name engraved on the top side. I think I’ll have my release date engraved on the underside.

Fallyn

***

Mason,

Today was the worst so far. I survived the withdrawal and the constant inner struggle, but those things are nothing compared to the knot in my stomach when I signed onto the internet for the first time in two and a half months. I saw your name and I clicked the link without thinking the decision through the whole way. I’d never seen the picture before. We looked tired and I looked sick. You looked sick. It opened my eyes.

Love,

Fallyn

***

“How are you feeling today?” my Doctor questioned me as I sat in his overstuffed arm chair.

“I am really good today.” I smiled, despite myself. It felt foreign to me still; to smile and actually have my feelings on the inside match.

“No more night terrors?” He scrawled noisily on my chart after every answer.

I drew my bare feet up under me. “I haven’t had one in three weeks. Can I ask you a question, Dr. Long?”

He shifted behind his desk before dropping his very expensive pen back into his pocket. “Of course, Fallyn.”

“I feel different today…I…I don’t know how to explain it but I feel lighter somehow.” I stood and paced a little. “You see, I’ve never felt so unrestrained before and it’s truly frightening.”

The Doctor stood and strode around to meet me. He placed a calm hand on my shoulder and smiled. “Fallyn, you have a remarkable mind. You, my dear will be just fine and in my line of work…I’m thrilled to say that I’ll probably never see you again.”

I laughed. “That’s a damn good compliment.”

“That should be enough for today then,” he said returning to his seat at the desk.

I waved and left his office with a slight bounce in my step. My meetings were becoming easier and easier. I said whatever was on my mind and I didn’t ever feel the need to censor myself. I’d beaten the night terrors which rode my shoulder like a demon all f*cking day long. I lived knowing that they could come back at any time but, if they did, I would be ready for them.

***

Mom,

I didn’t get to say goodbye. I lost you as a mother so long ago and then I lost myself. It doesn’t really feel like you’re gone because I’d given up on you loving me. Do you know I walked the same path as you and London? The drugs pulled me down until I wasn’t even a person anymore. I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me and I’ll always blame you for that deep down. I’ll always blame you for taking my sister from me except I can live with that now.

You were good to me once and that is how I think about you now. You pushed me on the swing in the park near our house at least once a week. You made the best homemade ice cream on our front porch. Those things were misplaced in all my hate for you, Mom. I’m letting the hate go today.

RIP,

Your daughter…

***

London,

We were best friends, you know? I didn’t know what to do when you died. I won’t ever forget the way you looked at me that day. For so long I saw it every time I closed my eyes. I knew you were out of control. I knew that things were very, very f*cked up and I didn’t do anything. I pretended it was fine. Even now I have a very hard time thinking of your face the day you lost your battle to drugs.

They say everyone has a rock bottom and I know what mine was. I looked in the mirror the day Mason found me half dead on the floor of that house and saw you. My reflection was yours.

I don’t know how I’ve gone so long without you. I’m still grieving for you and that may never stop.

I love you.

***

I stood and walked to the front of the room. I hadn’t been in front of such a large group of people in a long time, but I felt ready. I scanned the crowd and recognized the usual faces: Lynn and Chris. They’d both been such a support system for me. I would thank them the best way I knew how. I’d stay clean and move on with my life.

When I reached the front of the room, I stopped and cleared my throat.

“So, I’m breakin’ out of this joint tomorrow.”

There was a slight chuckle throughout the small room.

“My name is Fallyn Michaels and I’m an addict. I’ve spent countless hours sabotaging my life even though I had what most people wanted.” I paused as Mason’s face entered my mind. “I’ll never stop thinking about taking the easy way out. There will always be temptations and this fight…well, I’m fighting it for life but there’s something different about me now.”

Lynn and I locked eyes. She was doing her best not to cry.

“I know who I am and I like the person I found hiding inside. I’m caring and intelligent. I’m a really good actress and I make damn good sugar cookies.”

I looked down at my hands as they trembled. My lip followed and I cried. “I slept in homeless shelters and against dumpsters in Hollywood. I hopped from house to house and let myself slip away. Then…I met someone, and he was so good to me. He turned my life upside down and damn if he didn’t try to fix what was broken. I broke him in the process.”

I wiped the tears from my cheeks and stood a little straighter.

“Tomorrow is going to be a better day and I’m ready to get back to life.”

***

Dear Mason,

Tomorrow I leave rehab for good. It’s been three long months and I’m ready to learn to live all over again. I can’t say that I don’t miss you still, but as long as you’re out there somewhere happy, I will be OK. No one had ever loved me the way you loved me and for that I thank you.

Everyone said, you weren’t that type…that you couldn’t fall in love, but you did and it was with me. With me, the broken girl from Pensacola with no home and no hope.

We may cross paths one day and I’m ready for that. I’m also getting used to the idea of never seeing you again. Either way, you were in my life when it counted and I’m alive today because of you. I forgive you for leaving and maybe one day you’ll forgive me for everything that happened between us.

I know you’ll never see any of these letters but just knowing that they exist makes me smile.

These random pieces of paper know exactly how I feel about you. They’ve been along this journey with me.

So, be happy. That’s what is important, after all.

I will always love you,

Fallyn