Vicious Circles

Chapter 21

Mason’s POV

It was a small miracle that I’d found someone willing to fly me back to California in the middle of the night. It was an even bigger miracle that we’d found an airport that would allow us to land at such short notice. I hadn’t given the guys much in way of explanation when I went to them for money. All I offered up was the fact that Fallyn needed me and they pooled whatever money they had available.

Lynn had cleared her apartment of anything illegal. I felt guilty about asking her to do it but I didn’t have much choice.

My head was pounding when I finally boarded the small plane and buckled my seat belt. I rubbed at my jaw, irritated that I obviously didn’t know the only woman I’d ever truly loved outside of my family. She was lost and I understood that because I’d been lost once myself. I was always looking for something to fill the hole inside, though I didn’t know why that hole was there to begin with. Unfortunately, she filled her empty spot with drugs. I had filled mine with her.

A dull ache began in my stomach and made its way up into my chest. I wasn’t prepared to deal with Fallyn and her issues. We had both spent so much time trying to pretend things were OK. I wanted her to be strong and I wanted her to be healthy, happy and so in love she couldn’t function without me. What I had gotten was so much different. She loved me endlessly and she didn’t like being away from me at all. Underneath all of that I’d created a monster and it took Lynn calling me, in tears, to realize it. She’d bought a house and was snorting cocaine. I should have been shocked, but somehow I had known things would implode all along.

When she flew out to see me on Valentine’s Day, I noticed the change in her. She was dangerously thin and her eyes were tired. The life that I’d seen in those beautiful eyes was gone. That spark, the life that she held so tightly to the first time we’d met in Philadelphia, was missing. There wasn’t any way I could talk myself out of feeling responsible for that. I took an innocent person and turned her life upside down. She was thrust into the spotlight as I thrust myself into her life and I never once thought she couldn’t handle it. I was a selfish f*cking prick and I never once considered how any of my plans would affect her. On my mission to help Fallyn, I’d helped myself to her sanity and I would never, ever forgive myself.

I dozed off and on the rest of the flight. I had never been happier to step onto California soil than I had been that morning. The sun hadn’t broken through yet but it would soon. People would start to move around and head off to work. I only had one want and that was to see Fallyn. Lynn had sent her address to me in a text message. I rattled it off to a cab driver before asking him to go as fast as he could.

Still, I didn’t know what I would say or if she would even see me. I hadn’t kept in touch which was just something I had trouble with anyway. Images of her leaning over a line of coke haunted me. When I drifted off into a light sleep, I dreamt of her and those eyes. Her eyes were lifeless in my dream.

Thankfully, there was no traffic and I made it to Malibu before the sun appeared. The gate was open to the drive, but I got out of the cab at the curb and walked up the slight hill slowly. My stomach twisted and I was f*cking terrified. Something felt wrong and I had never wanted to be so wrong in my life. I was never a very religious man but that didn’t stop me from silently praying for things to be all right.

I bypassed knocking or ringing the bell and just went right in. The front door was unlocked and it opened easily. There was empty cups and evidence of a party all over the place. There was no sound besides my own heavy breathing.

“Fallyn? Baby?”

The feeling of dread thickened. I decided to search upstairs first. Each step was harder to take than the one before but eventually I reached the second floor. I could see, in the early morning light, that there was a small vanity light on in the bathroom. I hurried into the bedroom, calling her name the whole way.

Of course, I didn’t find Fallyn.

Jill lay face down on the bathroom floor, her face covered by her dark hair. I tilted my head, unsure of what to do. From where I stood it looked like she was sleeping, but as I got closer I realized she wasn’t asleep. I knelt down next to her and felt for a pulse. As soon as I touched her wrist, I knew she was gone. Her skin was cold and that was all I needed to know. I drew my hand back as if she’d burned me. My breaths sped up as I scrambled back into the bedroom.

“FALLYN,” I screamed. “F*ck, f*ck…”I muttered to myself.

Jill was dead. She was cold and dead on the floor of some house in Malibu. I’d never seen a dead body before. I was scared in that moment.

I jogged through every room in that damned house until I saw her. Her bare feet protruded from the archway leading to the kitchen.

“Fallyn, please be OK.” I mouthed the words to myself as I ran to her side.

My shoes slipped in something dark on the floor as I fell to her side. I didn’t realize that it was her blood until I turned her over and saw the gash along the top of her head. She was breathing, but barely, and I shook her before I could actually process the scene. Blood, her blood, was everywhere from the head wound.

I grabbed her chin between my thumb and index finger roughly. “Jesus, Fallyn. Baby, wake up. Wake up baby, I’m here. I’m calling someone.” I was rambling and digging for my phone in my pocket at the same time.

When the operator answered, 911 what’s your emergency, I explained what was going on and gave her the address. She put me on hold and that’s when I lost it. I cried. The tears fell from my eyes and onto my girlfriend’s blood stained cheek. They ran down her pale skin and on to the bloodied floor.

She was someone else. She was someone I didn’t know at all. I cradled her to my chest as I sobbed and choked. The smell was unbearable. Her clothes were soaked red and her hair was fanned out behind her where at some point she’d gotten sick. I ran my hand over her chest lightly, thanking the man upstairs that her heart was beating.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I wiped blood away from her eyes with my thumb.

The sounds of sirens appeared faintly in the distance and I was relieved that someone was coming to help her. It felt like hours as the ambulance and fire truck sped up the road and into the drive. When the EMT’s entered the house, I yelled for them until they found me in the kitchen on my knees, rocking Fallyn back and forth.

A tall, thin man politely pushed me away and I obliged. I stood against the wall, trembling for so many different reasons.

“What happened?” The man asked.

“I…I don’t know for sure. I know she’s taken some pills and some cocaine but that’s all. I just found her like this.”

“Is there anyone else in the house?” A woman in a police uniform appeared at my right with a notepad in her hand.

I nodded. “There’s…there’s a girl in the upstairs bathroom. She’s dead.”

The woman nodded and said something over the radio on her shoulder. They left me alone and all I could do was watch as Fallyn’s clothes were cut off and attempts were made to bring her around. She moaned softly but I didn’t celebrate. I dreaded the phone calls I would have to make when all I wanted to do was be with her.

A coroner arrived just as Fallyn was loaded into the back of the ambulance. I climbed into the back and held her hand the entire ride to the hospital. When we reached the emergency room, I had to let her go. The nurse on duty gave me a private room to wait in and some really bad coffee. Her smile was one of pity and I wondered how long it would take the vultures to publish our business in the same magazines Fallyn used to read.

I had called Lynn and the guys from the back of the ambulance. Lynn was on her way and I was sort of relieved that I didn’t have to shoulder the whole thing by myself. I could feel myself unraveling and it wouldn’t be pretty when I came completely undone.

More than five different police officers and detectives had filtered in and out of the room. They asked me questions and I answered the best that I could. Just when I thought I might have gotten a moment to myself, the nurse opened the door, startling me, and Lynn walked through with tears in her eyes. She took one look at me and broke into sobs.

“She’ll be fine. They said she’ll be fine.”

“Mason, what the hell happened? I should have gone back.” She wiped her face and sat, shocked, in one of the upholstered chairs. “Look at you.”

I looked down at my clothes. They were soaked in Fallyn’s blood and vomit. I didn’t smell so hot, but those things meant nothing to me. “This isn’t your fault Lynn.”

“I’m sorry you had to go through that.” She turned to me and placed her hand on my arm.

“Mason look at me.”

I turned my face toward her, all the while biting my bottom lip to prevent myself from breaking down.

“We can get through this, you know that right?”

Lynn meant well, and I was so happy she’d shown up, but I couldn’t bring myself to believe her.

“This…this is just too much right now.” My resolve began to crumble. “I can’t look at her and not feel guilty for all the shit I’ve put her through. I can’t, with a clear conscious, go to her and tell her everything will be OK. I should have been protecting her all along.”

“No, you’re wrong. This isn’t anyone’s fault.”

“Just stop.” I held up my hand to stop Lynn from moving any closer to me. I stood and started to pace the carpeted floor. “I think I should go.”

“Go ahead. I’ll call you when she can have visitors. You probably want a shower.” She wasn’t stupid. I could see in her eyes; she knew very well that I was running and she was going to let me do it.

I turned from her and left the hospital as quickly as I could. If it weren’t for the state of my appearance I would have walked, but instead I hailed a cab. Home sounded like a place I wanted to be, but home wasn’t Fallyn’s apartment anymore. The driver dropped me off and I felt out of place as I climbed the familiar steps.

The whole place smelled like her. It hit me hard when I swung the door open and stepped in. Her favorite painting hung on the wall where I’d put it myself. The purple post it that declared my love for her was still stuck to the frame. Pictures of us were littering the bookshelf and I didn’t pay much attention to them until then. We looked happy.

It only took half an hour to gather all my things from the apartment but it took me at least half an hour to actually leave. I didn’t want to remove myself from her life. It only seemed fair after all I’d put her through. She would be hurt and confused but eventually she would heal and move on. Lynn would take good care of her.

On my way out of the front door I grabbed a piece of paper and pen from the small table by the front door. I penned her one more note and left.

***

“You just left, man? Really?” My best friend and bandmate, Dave, sat across from me at an all-night diner somewhere in the southern states.

I nodded and gulped the rest of my coffee down. “It was the best I could do.”

Dave frowned and shook his head. “I don’t believe that shit for a second, Mason. You love that girl and I f*cking know it, so don’t try to bullshit me.”

“I never said I didn’t love her. I’m saying I let this happen. She became a coke addict right under my f*cking nose.” I signaled the waitress for another cup of black coffee.

“So you run away and pick up the tour where you left off? You are ten kinds of a*shole.”

I pressed my lips together in frustration. He was always right. He knew me the best after all. “It’s done; let’s just drop it.”

Dave threw his hands up in surrender. “Fine, but I’m telling you this…when we get back to town, I’m going to see her.” He tossed a ten on the table for his late dinner. “You can’t say shit about that.”

He was right. I couldn’t make any of them stay away from her but the fact remained that I would stick to my guns. I would keep away because I loved her enough to let her have a chance at a decent life without me.