Vicious Circles

Chapter 19

March 2010

I stood in the mirror, void of all clothing and admired the mess that was before me. There was an odd shaped bruise on my left hip and I had no idea where it came from. My ribs were showing, but I was already too thin before I noticed that particular detail. It had been almost a month since I’d seen Mason last. He felt a million miles away and no amount of webcam dates or phone calls could make me see it any differently.

We’d had an amazing few days together, locked away in our bubble like it was in the beginning, but as soon as I got on the plane and headed back to LA the doubt set in again. Perhaps he had been too tired to notice the change in me. Maybe he’d noticed and didn’t want to risk our time together to confront me on it. I didn’t know.

Lynn on the other hand was constantly calling and visiting but I did my very best to keep her at arm’s length. She was a smart girl; she knew something was up.

“What the f*ck are you doing in there?” Jill pounded on my bathroom door.

I growled softly and pulled on my clothes as fast as I could. I had a full schedule of shoots among other things for at least another month. I wanted to be numb for one day and not think about anything else until I absolutely had to.

“Took you long enough.” She moved out of my way as I opened the door.

I ignored Jill because I still didn’t like her very much. She was good for whatever amount of drugs I needed. She’s started bringing Percocet to me, which meant I didn’t have to see Tony anymore. My biggest fear was losing Mason but I would not give up my vices for him. The less Tony knew, the less chance there was of Mason finding out.

“I’ve got the worst headache,” I complained as I followed Jill into the living room.

She kneeled in front of the coffee table and opened her small bag. “What do you want? I’ve got some new shit.”

I admired her collection of illegal drugs. “I don’t want anything different. I want what I usually have.” The thought of trying other things terrified me.

“How’s Mason?” Jill dumped a vial of cocaine on the table and began to cut it.

“I don’t want to talk about Mason right now.”

“Trouble in paradise?” She chuckled, amused.

If I hadn’t been so relaxed I would have choked her. Percocet had probably saved her life. “It’s none of your f*cking business.”

“Fine, how’s work?”

“I don’t want to make small talk with you, Jill. I mean really? You come over, we get high and you leave. You know the f*cking drill.” I was screaming at her.

She stood, leaving my stuff laid out on the table. “You are out of control. Totally out of your mind.”

I ignored her. When the front door slammed, I inhaled my lines without blinking. My nose burned but I loved it. I felt like I could do anything, but in all honestly I wasn’t really feeling anything. My body went numb and my mind shut down. My brain was a black hole as my eyes began to roll back into my head. That was what I hoped for each time. I wanted emptiness, pitch black emptiness and I hoped that at the end of that dark tunnel I would wake up happy and normal. It never seemed to turn out that way though.

Lynn called me twenty minutes later. I thought about letting the call go to voicemail but she would have come over to my apartment. She knew I had the day off. I vaguely remember telling her that we could get some lunch.

“Hey.” I tried to answer as normal as possible.

“Hey, Fallyn. How are you?”

“I’m great. What’s going on?”

Lynn sighed. “I thought we were going out to lunch today? You were supposed to call me an hour ago.”

“Shit, I’m sorry Lynn. Yeah, yeah we’re going out. I’m dressed.”

“You sound tired. Are you okay? We can reschedule…”

“No I’m fine.” I knew if I didn’t have lunch with her she would be on the phone to Mason in a minute. “I’ll meet you in Santa Monica.”

When I got into my car my palms were sweating. I hadn’t considered the amount of traffic that would be on PCH that time of day and I had no business driving. If I were to be stopped by a cop…well my career would be over. My relationship would be over.

I’d never gone to see Lynn while still so high. She was probably going to notice but there was nothing I could do about that. Thankfully I reached our favorite place on the beach without doing harm to myself or someone else. The host led me to the table where Lynn was waiting with a huge smile on her face. The closer I got, the smaller her broad grin got.

“Fallyn, are you sick?” She was genuinely concerned.

I waved her off as I fell to the plastic chair and signaled the server. I ordered a beer and an appetizer for good measure. “It’s been awhile since we did this.”

Lynn nodded and unfolded her napkin into her lap. “Are you sure you’re doing OK, Fallyn? I mean, you look sick.”

I pressed my lips into a thin, straight line. “I said I was fine. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

She agreed with a silent nod and I felt horrible for being so short with her, but she was digging for information I wasn’t ready to release. If anyone found out that I’d taken after my worthless family I would be alone all over again.

“Did you and Mason have a good time together?” She took a small bite of her salad that had shown up at the table without me realizing.

“It was amazing. I was so happy to see him again.” I swirled the straw around in my iced water. My hand shook slightly.

Lynn looked out toward the ocean and then back at me. “I like your hair; it looks nice.”

She was pushing for conversation. We had always had plenty to talk about before, but those days were gone. I felt closed off to the world and the only person I would even consider letting in was miles away on his first real tour.

“I found a house in Malibu that I really love.” I looked at her briefly before returning my eyes to my trembling hands. The roar of the ocean was getting louder and louder. I was having trouble tuning things out lately.

There was a small, uncomfortable silence. Lynn cleared her throat and threw her napkin on the table. “Why on earth would you buy a house in Malibu, Fallyn? That’s just plain crazy.”

My jaw dropped because I really thought I was right in the decision. “No,” I shook my head. “You know what’s crazy? You telling me what to do is crazy. You calling Mason at every twist and turn is f*cking crazy, Lynn, and I really don’t think any of it is your business anymore.”

She was in shock simply because I had never lost my temper with her that way and I probably looked like a f*cking maniac. My pupils were large and my skin was pale and covered in a sheen of sweat that glittered in the afternoon sun. I pushed at the stray hair on my face, pissed at anything and everything. Lynn went to stand and I held my hand up to stop her. I stomped off, leaving my best friend in the wake of my emotional breakdown.

I cried the entire drive home. My stomach was in knots because I hadn’t eaten anything in who knows how long. I was physically sick although there was nothing to heave besides the acid from my stomach. I slumped against my bathroom wall and tried to calm my frantic heart. It was beating out of control and I didn’t know if I was having a heart attack or an anxiety attack.

Somehow I fell asleep on the floor in the same position I had landed in. When I woke the apartment was totally dark and I was disoriented. My head throbbed and I was dying to take something, anything, but I had to work and I needed the money that working would bring me. So, I crawled into bed and that was where I stayed until the alarm went off.

When I woke up the next morning there was a ridiculous amount of missed calls on my phone. All of them were from Lynn. I stumbled into the bathroom, using the wall as a brace. I had dark black streaks along each cheek from my tears. I gathered enough strength to take and shower and make myself some coffee.

In nothing but a towel I dug through my bag and pulled out my Percocet. My hands shook violently as I dumped an unknown amount into my left hand and swallowed them as fast as I could. I had to work and I couldn’t work without the drugs.

***

“F*ck!” I threw my phone down on the passenger seat of my car. Mason hadn’t answered my phone calls in two days. Dave claimed he’d broken his cell but I couldn’t believe him.

I had disgusting images of him screwing other girls in the back of my mind and they wouldn’t go away. I didn’t like not knowing. I needed to feel connected to him at all times and that was slipping away. Of course, he was my last tie to the life I was leading and without him I just didn’t care so much anymore.

I unlocked my doors when Jill returned. We’d made an appointment to look at the house in Malibu despite the warnings from Lynn. We hadn’t truly talked since the episode in the restaurant, but I didn’t want to hear anything she had to say. I had learned an amazing lesson since my bank account grew considerably. People would do anything for money. People would ignore anything for money.

Jill and I drove with the windows down and the music loud all the way to Malibu. The house was entirely too much house for me but I wanted it. I wanted status and a nice house was the best way to achieve that. I was sick of going to set each day knowing I lived in a tiny apartment with my musician boyfriend.

“Holy shit, is that it?” Jill leaned out of the window.

Towering before me was a two story monster with an equally monster price tag. The property was gated and there was a pool in the small backyard. We ran through the house squealing and giggling like little girls. The realtor pretended as if people acted that way all the time. She stood silent and patient as I ran through each room.

“It’s f*cking furnished!” Jill came around the corner and almost ran into me.

“I have to have this house.” I turned to the realtor. “I have to have this place. How quickly can you get the paperwork together?”

“I can be back in two hours with something for you to sign.” She smiled but it was because she had just made a big f*cking commission with no energy at all.

“We’ll be here,” I said before walking off into the kitchen.

Jill hopped up on the marble counter top. “This calls for a celebration.” She pulled a vial from her jeans pocket.

I pried the little bottle from her fingers and dumped it out on my new counter. I’d become what I considered an expert in cocaine. I cut it quickly and took my part. The room spun slightly as I threw my head back with my fingertips pressed to the right side of my nose. It burned slightly but I’d grown accustomed to it. I spun around with my arms thrown out and sighed.

“I’ll never sleep on the streets again, Jill.”

She eyed me wearily. “You just bought a house worth millions.”

“So? I have the money and you know I do. This house is amazing and I’m going to have amazing parties here.”

Jill hopped down from the counter. “You don’t like parties.”

I was confused. One minute Jill was urging me on and the next she was treating me like I was slow.

“What do you think Mason will say about this place?”

My heart clenched at the mention of his name. “He hasn’t answered my calls in two days. I don’t care what he thinks.”

“Oh, that is a lie of epic proportions and you know it.” She laughed and walked toward the front door. “I’m out. I’ve got shit to do. Good luck with the new crib.”

By the time the sun went down that same night I was the proud owner of my very first house. I drove home feeling unsure about the whole thing. There was a sense of dread about what I’d done but there was no turning back. I knew things were going to change and that started with Lynn. She was sitting in her car waiting for me when I pulled up to my apartment complex. I tried to act nonchalant as I exited my car and walked toward the stairs.

“Fallyn.” She didn’t yell.

“I didn’t know you were coming by tonight,” I said trying to play off the fact that I was higher than a damned kite.

“Fallyn, stop,” she ordered and grabbed me by the elbow.

I shook her off and spun to look her in the face. “What do you want, Lynn? If you came here to give me another lecture than you can save your breath and just leave.”

“Look at yourself!” Her eyes were wet with unshed tears and I felt like a dick. “I don’t know what you’re on but I know you’re not sober. Mason told me about the pills.”

“Wait, what? You talked to Mason?” She’d told him. That would be why he wasn’t answering my calls.

“What did you expect me to do, huh? I can’t watch you kill yourself and I can’t watch Mason tiptoe around you like it isn’t happening.” She was in a full blown cry by that point.

“Get off of me!” I withdrew from her touch and ran up the stairs the best I could.

“You’re going to kill someone driving around like that. You’re going to kill yourself! I can’t let that happen, Fallyn. So many people love you.” She wasn’t following me up the stairs. Instead she stood at the bottom and yelled up at me.

“I’ve got this under control. I can stop whenever I want. I stopped for Mason before, he knows that.” I could stop whenever I wanted and I believed that to be the truth.

Lynn wiped her face and backed off some. “I’ll be back in the morning. Don’t leave this house until I get here.”

I didn’t know if I would listen to her or not. It was possible that I would forget the whole thing happened, which was just fine with me.

The sun rose the next day just like all the days before, but somehow it was different. There was still no word from Mason or Lynn, but there was a text message from Jill. She wanted to have a party and who was I to stop a good party? We would have it at my new house.

***

I watched the sun set off the coast from my front yard that night. I felt peaceful for the first time in quite a while and the easiness of my mood should have triggered something in my brain, but I was far too gone. The last rays of the sun crossed my bear arms and I shivered as the night crept in, whether I was ready for it or not.

The sound of a full blown party pounded behind me. I was hesitant to let the sun go completely. It was as if I was afraid of not seeing it again. I’d left Lynn a note at my place with my new address and invited her to come over. I knew that I’d been way too hard on her and I wanted to make things right. I would make things right.

“Fallyn! You’re missing your own party.” Jill called to me from the stone steps leading up to my front door. “Come on.” She waved me in frantically.

I sighed and gave in. The house was full of people I didn’t know and drugs I’d never seen before. It was a buffet of things that could get me arrested, but I wasn’t concerned. I was relaxed and had been for most of the day. Mason had tried to call me from Dave’s phone earlier, which made the knot in my stomach loosen; although, I still felt like I’d lost him. He was lost to me or I was lost to him. I hadn’t quite figured out which.

That night I drank and I smoked. I inhaled and popped random pills. I didn’t pay any attention to what I was doing or how much. It wasn’t until Lynn showed up and found me, bent over a line of cocaine, did I realize what I was doing. I froze when I caught the look on her face out of the corner of my eye. She looked horrified and I knew, I knew, that everything had come down to that one moment in my life.