Vicious Circles

Chapter 17

I sat up straight and dropped the rolled money to the table. My fingers were numb but I suspected that was because I’d just inhaled cocaine for no good reason. Jill stood across from me with her arms crossed and a smug smile on her face.

“Well? How was it?” She questioned before taking a line for herself.

I couldn’t answer her question because I didn’t know the answer. The only way I had ever experienced being high, if I was being honest, was through the Percocet and in comparison, coke sucked ass.

“I don’t really feel anything,” I said, slightly annoyed.

Jill tossed her head back and wiped her nose. “It might take a few times. It works, trust me.” She wiped at the white powder on her nose and wiped the excess on her gums.

There was a look of horror on my face. Everything was falling into place. Jill’s thin frame, her sunken eyes; it all pointed to what she had become. Somewhere along the way since she’d left me in Philadelphia she started snorting cocaine and whatever else I wasn’t aware of.

“I…get out. Get out Jill; I can’t do this right now.” I almost couldn’t find my voice in the confusion of the moment. I guess the cocaine did affect me.

Jill looked at me with questions in her eyes. I stood and rounded the coffee table to where she was standing. I pressed against her shoulder until she moved toward my front door.

“Will I see you again?” she asked frantically. Her pupils were like saucers and her face was pale as she faced me in the doorway.

“I don’t know,” I answered. I shut the door after that.

My phone rang again and I knew without looking, it was Mason. He’d called me to wish me a Happy New Year and I ignored him. I blew him the f*ck off. I was inhaling narcotics off my coffee table instead of watching Dick Clark and waiting for his call.

“Hello?” I answered meekly.

“Baby, Happy New Year!” he called happily.

“Happy New Year, Mason.”

“What’s wrong?” He asked as he picked up on the uneasiness in my voice. “Wait, why aren’t you out with the girls?”

I laughed nervously. “Oh well, I left early. It wasn’t really my scene. I’m fine, promise.”

Mason and I talked normally for a few more minutes before I declared I needed to sleep. The truth was I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wanted to sit in the dark and think about what I’d just done. Mason could never know. He wouldn’t put up with that shit and I didn’t have to be a genius to realize that. I traveled around my bedroom like a zombie, lost in my own mind.

Eventually I ended up in bed. I sat there most of the night and some of the early morning with my knees drawn to my chest and my chin resting on my knees. I couldn’t tell if it was the coke or not. I’d never experienced such a thing before.

Sometime before the sun came up I dozed off and when I woke up it was almost two in the afternoon. I’d slept like a dead person. I was disoriented at first thinking I’d missed work but everything came rushing back to me. The drugs, Jill and my enormous lie to Mason.

All of my movements were sluggish, like I was in slow motion as I showered and dressed myself. There was a dull ache in my head and my stomach. It reminded me of the withdrawal I experienced when coming off the Percocet but there was something else. It was an urge gnawing at the already frayed edges of myself. I wanted to be high I could feel it coming back to me. I wanted the warm feeling I had when being happy and carefree came so easily. Most of all I wanted the girl back that Mason loved; the girl he didn’t cheat on.

By that night I was in full on panic mode. It was hard to tell what was driving me to find Jill but I gave in to whatever it was around eleven. I hadn’t eaten all day and I hadn’t talked to Mason. I knew he was busy but nothing could stop me from feeling alone. Sure, I could have called Lynn but she was important to me and no one was going to see me freaking out like I was.

Before I could stop myself, I was in my car and driving around Hollywood looking for trouble.

That night trouble was named Jill and her arsenal was stocked to the f*cking hilt. It never occurred to me that someone might recognize my car or that someone would even care why I was in a less desirable neighborhood at almost midnight.

“What’s up?” Jill questioned me as she slid into the passenger seat of my car smelling like cigarettes and sex.

I slammed my palm against the steering wheel; angry at myself. “What have you got?”

She caught my gaze head on and laughed. She laughed loudly at my frustration and the fact that she had been right about me. “I knew you’d be back. I know you better than most people Fallyn and you can’t f*cking fool me with the nice clothes and nice car. I see right through that shit. I just hope I’m around when Mason realizes how much of a nutcase you are.”

I reeled my hand back and let it go; smacking her hard against the cheek. “You bitch. You don’t know anything about me.”

We both sat silently in my car, seething in anger. It was palpable, swirling around us. That’s how it was with Jill and I. We were the worst sort of friends. We were the devil and his advocate.

“Shove this up your nose and call me when you need some more,” Jill said finally. She tossed a vial of cocaine into my lap while she rubbed her red cheek with the opposite hand.

“Get out.” I shoved her shoulder to get her to leave my car and she didn’t resist but she did turn around and lean back in to say one last thing.

“It’s a shame your mother is dead. She would just love to see you now, Fallyn. Mingling with the upper crust with a dollar bill dangling from your nose.” Jill blew me a kiss and waved. “See you later sweetheart.”

My mother is dead?

The events after that conversation are still foggy to me and I actually prefer them that way. For some reason, I inhaled far more cocaine than I was supposed to and truth be told, I didn’t know how much to take anyhow. I wasn’t an expert on narcotics despite my exposure to them growing up. I’d seen my mother shove a needle in her arm once or twice but the image was hidden away in the dark part of my brain.

The inner parts of my nose were burning and there were tears in my eyes. My heart was racing in my chest and I was expecting to drop dead of heart failure any moment. The reaction was nothing like New Years when I’d first used coke. The second time was far worse. I was almost short of breath but that was from my sheer and utter panic. Thinking any of my actions though was impossible, so grabbing my phone and calling Mason seemed like the natural thing to do.

“Hello?”

I knew he could hear me breathing.

“Fallyn, baby? What’s going on?” He was instantly worried and at the time I couldn’t have cared less. In my eyes, I was about to die.

“Mason, something is wrong with me. I mean…I don’t know what’s going on. F*ck, I can’t tell you.” I stuttered and stammered through a sentence that made absolutely no sense.

“What? What is going on?” He demanded. “Calm down and tell me what you’ve done!” He was almost yelling and thinking back I could see why. I was scaring the hell out of him. I scared the hell out of myself.

“Nothing…well I don’t know.” I started to sob heavily. “I can’t tell you. I just can’t tell you.”

With that I ended the phone call.

He called back seven times and left seven voicemails. I didn’t answer his calls and I didn’t listen to his voicemails. After I stopped crying, I regained some of my wits and started to clean the white residue and the paraphernalia off of my coffee table. I blew my nose several times and took a good look at myself in the mirror. My eyes were bloodshot and red rimmed from crying but my pupils were huge and the sight of me was absolutely shocking.

Lynn showed up at my apartment an hour after Mason’s last phone call to me. I swung the door open and just stood there, waiting for her to say something. She was dressed in shorts and a UCLA t-shirt. Mason had pulled her from bed to come check on me.

“Jesus, are you OK?” She asked as she came through the front door. She pulled me into a hug and continued to talk. “Mason called me scared out of his mind yelling something about you not making any sense. Fallyn, what is going on over here?”

I pulled away and wiped at the wet splotches on my face. “I…I don’t know. I don’t know what to say.”

“I didn’t drag my ass out of bed and halfway across LA to hear you tell me you don’t know what to say, Fallyn.” Her gaze bore into me and I shifted uncomfortably. “Mason was out of his mind and it took me ten minutes to convince him not to get on a plane and come home.”

The tension in my place grew as both Lynn and I stood there staring at one another. There was absolutely no way I was going to tell her I was coming down off of the biggest coke high I’d ever experienced. Granted I was terrified, but even that wasn’t enough to make me spill my secret.

“Maybe it was a panic attack or an anxiety attack. It was sort of like the one I had in Vancouver.”

My stomach started to churn just a little.

Lynn pulled me over to the couch and sat us both down. “Maybe it’s time you saw someone, a doctor, about these attacks.”

“No!” I stood up and crossed the room. “I’m not letting some shrink pick my brain apart and tell me I’m crazy because my mother was an irresponsible failure. I know all of that already.”

“This isn’t about your mother Fallyn. This is about you and your life right now.”

I spun until I was facing the wall. “My mother is dead anyway. I suppose you’re right.”

Lynn was next to me in an instant. “When did you find out?” She grabbed me by the shoulders and forced me to look at her. “Tell me.”

“Jill told me,” I said rolling my eyes. I didn’t feel any emotion over the death of my mother whatsoever. She had taken my sister from me and as far as I was concerned she was taking my life from me.

Lynn smoothed my hair and pulled me to her in a tight hug. She rocked me slightly and still I didn’t cry. My head was pounding and my nose burned. A sick feeling rose in my throat about the whole situation. I’d really gotten myself into some shit and I lacked the skills to cope with any of it. I was dating a good guy with a good head on his shoulders. I had a decent career and a decent income. I don’t know what had come over me.

“Mason would shit himself if he knew you were talking to her again, Fallyn. She is no good and you know that.” Lynn pulled away with a sigh.

I picked at a string on my shirt. “I know, I know. Lynn, please don’t tell him.”

A pained expression crossed her face. “This isn’t a good idea. I can’t be the secret keeper between you two. Do you realize what you’re asking me to do?”

My chest burned. I was a piece of shit, it was settled. “Just let me tell him, OK? Can you give me a few days?”

“He’s going to call me back and I really don’t feel comfortable lying to him!” Her voice rose in pitch.

“Fine just calm down,” I pleaded. “I’ll call him and tell him tonight, I promise.”

Lynn let out a slow breath. “Fallyn, you are my closest friend and I hate seeing you like this. You need to talk to someone and if I have to get Mason involved I will.”

I crossed my arms defiantly. “Mason doesn’t need my bullshit right now. He’s got to focus on the tour.”

“Mason loves you. That’s all I’m going to say; I have work in the morning and so do you.” Lynn gathered her keys and cell phone before laying a hand on my left shoulder. “We’ll talk tomorrow. I left your late Christmas gift on the coffee table, use it wisely.”

She left, but not before giving me a stern look. I knew she meant business. I thought back to Christmas and it seemed worlds away. Mason has been so happy on Christmas morning. I fell to the couch and grabbed the white envelope Lynn had left for me. In all the excitement of the past week I’d forgotten all about the belated gift she’d promised.

As soon as I opened the envelope and pulled the folder out, I felt sick. It was an airline voucher good for one open ended ticket. Groaning out of guilt I pulled the small Christmas tree shaped card out and flipped it open.

Fallyn,

I know how upset you were about Mason going out on tour so I thought this would help you out. Just make sure to bring me a shot glass back from wherever you end up.

Merry Christmas



Love,

Lynn



I’d never felt so unworthy in my life and I almost screamed. My stomach rolled with guilt at all my lies and deceptions I’d committed since I started medicating myself. I was my mother and there was no way around it. My sister never had a chance. She never had the chance I had at life and I was on the fast track to ruining everything I’d worked for. Eventually everyone would discover I was a fraud.

Without too much thought, I slipped my flip-flops on and grabbed my purse. I drove my car into downtown Los Angeles looking for the person who I thought I’d never see again. After about twenty minutes I spotted him leaning against the side of a club Mason’s band had played many times. He noticed my car and sauntered over to the window. I rolled it down.

“Thought you quit…” He left the thought open.

“I don’t want to talk about this, Tony. Just give me enough to get me through until next week.”

He slipped into the passenger seat and pulled a bag of Percocet from his pocket. “Does your man know about this?” he asked as he counted.

“Just count faster so I can get out of here.” Who would have known that the nameless bouncer I’d met months ago would end up being my dealer.

“Here you go, sweetie.” He slid back out of my car. “Tell your guy I said hello.” He tapped the car once and I drove off.