Vicious Circles

Chapter 16

It is very hard to pinpoint the moment my life started to completely unravel. There are so many times I would nominate but, since I’m being honest with myself, I’ll say it was a combination of many different moments. When Mason left to go on tour, I was smiling and waving, but now I know I was crying, screaming for him to come back on the inside. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to navigate on my own, but I didn’t know I knew; until now.

December 2009/January 2010

Mason very nearly begged me to spend the first week of the tour with him and I very nearly agreed. The only thing holding me back was the independent film I’d been working on for over a month. It was my first lead role and the script was amazing. I knew deep down that taking the film was the right thing to do and even though he pouted like a bitch, Mason knew as well.

I loved the two girls I was working with even though they were prone to diva outbreaks. Lynn had worked with both of them at some point and she was the main reason I’d taken a chance and started to spend some time with them when Mason left the day after Christmas.

“Did I tell you I’m going out on New Year’s Eve?” I asked Mason through my webcam.

“No.” He looked concerned. “Who are you going out with?”

“Just a few girls from set. I think Lynn’s going but I’m not sure.”

He looked down at the keyboard of his laptop. “I would be an ass if I told you to stay the hell home, right?”

“Let’s not talk about this now. I barely get to speak to you and our Skype dates are supposed to be fun.” I sighed.

He brightened immediately. “What do you have in mind baby?”

I grabbed either side of my tank top and pulled it up, leaving my breasts bare and in full view of the camera. “See what you’re missing,” I said, giggling.

“This was such a good idea,” he said never taking his eyes from my naked chest.

His phone started to ring and I pulled my shirt down. “You have to go right?”

He blew me a kiss. “I’m sorry, baby. Sound check.”

“I’ll talk to you next year then.”

Mason grinned. “Have fun tomorrow night and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

I stared at him with my eyebrow raised.

“On second thought, forget I said that. Just behave.”

I kissed my fingers and placed them lovingly on the webcam before I closed the laptop. My apartment was quiet without Mason there. I had become accustomed to his band mates coming around too. He was practically living with me. It made waking up alone unnerving.

The next night I got myself ready, despite that fact that Lynn couldn’t make it out with us. Going out without her or Mason was just something I never did, but I was feeling bold. Maybe it was the short dress I’d bought on Rodeo Drive or the heels Lynn had given me for Christmas, but when I looked in the mirror I really liked my appearance. I had come so far from knotty hair and clothes from the local church that didn’t fit me to clothes from Beverly Hills and shoes that were worth more than my entire wardrobe.

I stood there in the mirror a bit longer. My outer appearance had done a complete turnaround but

I was still me. The Fallyn that was unsure and lost was still inside. It was easy to hide that girl under nice things and a false sense of self.

***

The club was packed when I arrived with the two other girls. I had been to plenty of bars in the area but I had never been to a true club, with a red rope and a bouncer. The music was blaring from two large speakers and the dance floor was full of bouncing ‘Happy New Year’ hats.

I turned the switch off on my brain that controlled my fears and followed my coworkers through the crowd. Angela and Stephanie were their names. They were my age, beautiful and had more money than they knew what to do with. Heads turned as we slid through the crowd holding hands. I felt a rush of power that I never realized I had before.

“I’m buying first round,” Stephanie announced over the thumping beat. “Then I’m finding a hot guy to keep me company on the dance floor.”

“Find me one too,” Angela said as she signaled the bartender for Stephanie.

Stephanie ordered us a round of girly drinks and I giggled. Mason would have had something to say about drinking a fruity drink. Still, I took it with a smile on my face in an attempt to play nice.

“Let’s mingle,” Stephanie said as she tried to grab my hand and pull me away from the bar.

“This place is crawling with men.”

“I’m just gonna stay here,” I half shouted at her.

Angela put her hand on Stephanie’s arm. “Fallyn has a boyfriend.”

“Oh, that’s right! Mason. I remember you telling me that now.” Mason smiled sweetly and walked away.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. I was way out of my element and I felt foolish standing in that club with a girly drink in my right hand. My companions had hit the dance floor and found a couple of men who I’d seen frequently on the cover of tabloids in the checkout line at Whole



Foods. The whole night was going to be marred by my bipolar tendencies, I should have known.

I wanted to blame it on Mason but the sensible part of me knew I couldn’t and shouldn’t hold him back from being successful because I wanted to be selfish. So, I salvaged the evening the best way I knew how. I let random men buy me drinks and moved on after they had. The whole scene reminded me of the night Jill left me in Philly.

My stomach rolled at my behavior and the revelation. I leaned against the bar, ignoring the guy that was trying to buy me another drink. Stephanie and Angela were gone as far as I knew. I hadn’t seen them and that was OK because I was completely drunk. I stumbled from the bar toward the ladies room. I ignored the attendant at the counter and leaned against the cool granite to splash my face with some water. The temperature in the bathroom had spiked all of a sudden.

It wasn’t until I looked up at my reflection in the mirror, that I saw her. A drop of water fell from my nose as I stood absolutely still. Her black hair was curly under a New Year’s hat, her makeup flawless as usual. Her eyes, on the other hand, were bloodshot. She looked like she hadn’t slept in days; the makeup wasn’t helping her hide that fact at all.

“Well, the famous Fallyn ventures out to mingle with the common people. Where’s your man?

Don’t tell me you two aren’t together anymore.” She laughed. “I know that’s not true. I saw you two on the internet holding hands. I saw you dangling off his arm like a prize at the premiere.”

“I can’t say it’s nice to see you Jill, I’m sure you understand.” I tried to walk past her but she stopped me.

She moved close to me, so close I could smell mint on her breath. “We used to be friends, what happened?”

I couldn’t ignore her. It was like watching my life on the big screen and the little voice in my head was the audience and they were screaming to just walk away. Of course, I couldn’t walk away.

“You left me on the east coast with nothing, Jill. How can you stand here and talk shit about us being friends after you just left me there.”

“You claimed to not give a shit about Mason Jennings and now you’re dating him.” She looked hurt.

“I didn’t expect to be involved with him, Jill! If you ask me, it’s your fault because he was my only way out of Philly.”

She swayed a little on her feet. She was probably drunk.

“You can move your arm now. My friends are probably waiting for me.”

Jill moved her arm but slowly backed me into the corner of the bathroom instead of letting me go. The attendant looked the opposite way, as she pretended to not see a thing. I knew she was a loose cannon and I was actually scared of her in that moment. The look on her face was maniacal.

“Look at you, Fallyn. Your nice clothes, nice car and your sexy talented a*shole of a boyfriend. You have everything and you never wanted any of it.” She continued to back me into the corner.

“Don’t stand here and think you’re any better than me, because you aren’t. You’re still that f*cked up little girl from Pensacola whose Mommy didn’t love her and oh, poor poor you. Just because you dress the part doesn’t make you a normal person.”

I must have looked like Mason as my lips opened and closed but no sound came out. She was dead on in her assessment. I was a f*cking fraud.

“You think I don’t know that?” I asked quietly. “I don’t need you to remind me. I look in the mirror every day.”

The hostile look on Jill’s face smoothed away. She knew she’d gotten to me. “We have to stick together; you know that. It was always just you and I.”

Before I could respond, Stephanie came strutting through the bathroom door. She took a good look at Jill, who had moved away from me. “There you are!” She grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the door. “Ang and I have been looking for you.”

I looked back at Jill. She stood with her arms crossed and a determined look on her face. I had a feeling that it wouldn’t be the last time I saw her.

“Who was that?” Stephanie asked innocently as we walked back toward the bar.

“Someone I’m not friends with anymore.”

“She looks strung out, Fallyn. I would stay as far away from her as I could if I were you.”

I considered Mason’s opinion on Jill. She did look tired and worn out but I hadn’t thought she was on something. She looked drunk, which would be normal for her. Maybe I just didn’t want to see what was right in front of me. It was like my brief stint on the Percocet and my inability to see me falling away from myself little by little. Thinking about the pills made me want them again. They made me feel human.

Midnight was an hous away still but I wasn’t going to make it. The noise and the crowd was beginning to piss me off and all I wanted was to go home, change into a tank top and crawl into bed to watch television. Stephanie offered to drive me home because Angela was wasted but I declined. Instead I hailed a cab.

I slipped my heels off and climbed the stairs to home slowly. I missed Mason and it was difficult to keep myself occupied while he was gone. I was working at least, but even work didn’t fill up all of my time. As I was climbing, I saw a figure walking across the parking lot, so I stopped. I squinted my eyes against the shadows. For the second time that night I was in the presence of the person I’d never wanted to see again, Jill.

“Are you following me?” I questioned her in an incredulous tone.

“Oh come on. You aren’t that hard to find. It’s not like you’ve tried to hide where you live.” Jill climbed the steps behind me.

“I’m not doing this with you. Our friendship is over, period.” My voice failed me and I didn’t sound that convincing at all.

“It’s New Year’s Eve. We spent last New Year’s together or have you forgotten?”

How could I have forgotten? “We sat against the side of some f*cking random building, drinking a bottle of stolen liquor. Wow, now that’s something to be proud of.”

Jill moved up a few steps until she was standing next to me. “I’ve seen all your television spots. You’re a really good actress.”

I studied her face; what I could see of it in the low security lights. “Thank you.”

“Can I come in; please? I just want to know how you are and explain my side of things, about Philly.”

I sighed and played with my keys. “You can come in for a minute.”

We continued the walk to my front door side by side and in silence. Jill was different somehow. She seemed sad which was unlike her. She was always bitchy but she bitched with a smile on her face. I’d never seen her truly sad the entire time I’d known her.

“This is a nice place,” she remarked as I opened the door and let her inside first.

“It’s small but it’s mine.”

Jill walked around the coffee table to admire the painting. “That is a morbid piece of artwork, Fallyn.”

“I like it. It was a gift.”

She continued to walk around and check out my place as if she owed me an approval. I dropped my shoes beside the couch and turned my iPod on before sitting down.

“Does Mason live here with you?” Jill asked. She ran her hand over a picture frame holding just one of the many photos of Mason and myself.

“That’s none of your f*cking business, Jill.” I wasn’t about to offer her any details on my life.

I was beyond her as far as I was concerned. Whatever I had, I’d earned and it felt wrong to share it with anyone but the people in my life at that point. Jill was an afterthought; a time in my life that I wanted to leave behind.

“Aren’t you going to ask how I am Fallyn?”

It seemed like she was baiting me for some reason or another. I took a good look at her while she waited for me to answer. She had lost weight, not that she weighed much to begin with. Her eyes were prominent on her thin face and there was a small bruised looking area under each one. Jill was not doing well, judging by her appearance.

“I don’t want to be drawn into your drama. I’m just going to go to sleep so I think it’s time you went.” I stood and tried to push her small frame toward the front door.

“Wait! I have something you might be interested in, just wait.”

I continued to push her. “There is nothing you have that I want. I think it’s the other way around.”

“You mean you’re not interested in this?” Jill asked as she drew a bag of cocaine from the cleavage of her dress.

I let her go as if I’d been burned. She approached me, swinging the small bag full of white powder.

“I know all about your Percocet problem. I’ve been hanging out with the a*shole that was selling it to you. Does Mason know you were buying pills off the street?”

“Stop,” I said in a weak voice. No one knew how I’d gotten the Percocet once the refills had run out. “You don’t know what the f*ck you’re talking about.”

“Oh really? Well, how about your first job then? Did Mason tell you that he set it up and you were going to get a job no matter what?” She had advanced me backwards until I had nowhere to go but on my ass, on the couch.

My heart broke. I didn’t know if it was true or not but deep down I didn’t need to. I already believed her. Mason had made sure I would get the job which meant maybe I wasn’t as good as I thought I was when it came to acting. My boyfriend had called in a favor and I was officially an idiot. I looked up at Jill with tears in my eyes.

“Why couldn’t you just leave me alone?”

She smiled and dropped the baggie on the table, followed by a rolled up dollar and a razor blade.

“I’m your friend, Fallyn. I tell you the truth.”

I watched her as she bent down and arranged the coke into neat, thin lines on my table top. She handed me the dollar and I took the thing. My heart was pounding almost through my chest as I leaned forward. My phone began to ring and from the corner of my eye I could see Mason’s name on the caller ID. Jill glared at me, willing me silently to inhale the white powder.

As the last notes of my ringtone ended I pressed the rolled dollar to the line and snorted it. My brain did not fail to register that it was a few minutes past midnight.

Happy New Year.