Vicious Circles

Vicious Circles - By Leann Andrews

Chapter 1

LA. The city of dreams and concrete. Everyday people moved in just to replace the ones that moved out, failures in their own minds. I refused to think of myself as a failure and I absolutely refused to leave. Then again, I had nowhere else to go or anyone to go to. All my friends, if you can call them that, live in LA.

I want to tell my story, my life story, just in case this is my last chance. Shitty things always found me no matter how hard I tried to keep my nose clean. This time is no exception. I never wanted to be famous, well known or know anybody of that status. Not once did I want to be an actress myself. Funny how things happen in the exact opposite that you mean them to. It was a rise and fall. The rise and fall of Fallyn Michaels. No one ever thinks they’ll end up a junkie. I have to admit, I thought I was above it.

May 2009

“I can’t go across the United States alone. Come on. What the hell do you have holding you here, Fallyn? It’s not like you have a job to go to or a goldfish to feed.”

“Don’t be a smart ass,” I scolded Jill, my one and only best friend. “You always peer pressure me into this shit and I end up entertaining your leftovers or keeping the wingman busy while you suck dick. I don’t even care for the band.” I crossed my arms, trying to stand my ground.

Jill all but growled at me. “That is not true! You’ve gone to every show in Cali and enjoyed it.”

“Yeah, because it’s nothing to catch a ride from someone. You’re planning a trip across country on a damn Greyhound. Give me one good reason why I should go.” Jill didn’t have many morals, but she helped my sorry ass out so many times. Deep down I knew I would go along, if only to make sure she didn’t end up face down in an alley somewhere.

“Listen to me Fallyn. We’re nomads, drifters. Let’s drift to Philly and have some fun.” She stared me down with wide blue eyes. “Besides, you know how I feel about Mason.”

What a sore subject for me. “Yeah, I know how you feel about using the guy like he’s some piece of meat. Just because you let him stick it in you doesn’t mean you’ll end up with an acting job. It’s sick.”

Jill stomped her foot but continued throwing things into her bag. “You always over-analyze everything. He’s just a guy who’s probably using me just like I’m using him. Now pack your shit, we’re going to the east coast.”

“Would you mind telling me how you got the money for all of this? Where are we supposed to stay in Philly?” A place to stay was really the last thing on my mind. I’d been homeless for two years or more, usually moving from house to street every couple of weeks.

Jill zipped her duffel bag before turning and grabbing me by the shoulders. “I love you but you worry too damn much. I have two tickets. We’ll figure out housing when we get there.”

I knew better than to leave with her. My inner voice, which never hesitated to put two cents in, didn’t like Jill. My inner voice didn’t agree with anything she did or persuaded me to do. It screamed when she locked herself in public restrooms with God knows what. It wanted me to tell poor Mason just what he was dealing with, but that meant getting involved. Being non committal was my specialty and I was allergic to change.

*~*~*

Three very long days later, we stepped off the bus, which smelled almost as odd as we did. I expected the trademark puff of black smoke to explode in our faces as it pulled away, but was severely disappointed when it didn’t. Jill took a seat and I followed her, lighting a cigarette. We didn’t know anyone on the east coast and neither of us had been to Philadelphia before.

“Amazing idea you had Jill. What in hell are we going to do now?” How did I let her talk me into ignorant things?

“I’ve got all the shows and bars listed here,” she said, pulling a crumpled piece of paper from her pocket. “I’ve got enough for a room…at least three nights. We’ll have to wing it after that.”

I sighed and tossed my smoking cigarette into the road. “I need to shower. I smell like the old lady that got on in Ohio.”

We ended up in the roachiest roach motel in downtown Philadelphia, although I wasn’t too terribly upset. It was better than sleeping up against a dumpster in an alley. Yes, I’d been in that situation more than once. The guy behind the desk gave us directions to the club after ten minutes of staring down Jill’s top, which I found hilarious. Served her right.

“You are such a hooker, Jill.” I shook my head and showed the burly man at the door my ID. “I’m gonna hang at the bar and score some free drinks. Let me know when we can leave.”

“Who’s the hooker now, Fallyn? Free drinks?”

I smiled sweetly. “That doesn’t make me a whore. I’m not suctioning any man parts for them. Go find your friend and don‘t come back until it‘s time to leave.”

Jill rolled her eyes and hurried off.

People watching was my favorite thing to do. I’d rather watch someone from afar than meet them properly. Meeting someone new meant telling them all about me and that was a no no. I preferred to keep shit to myself, which explains why I put up with Jill’s crap. Saying hello and batting my eyes was efficient enough to earn a few drinks, but the moment the dude looked even remotely interested I switched off.

The little bar was a dive but I enjoyed it so much more than the places I frequented in LA. I was pleasantly drunk by the time Jill found me again. There was a fake smile plastered across her face and I almost questioned it until I saw what, or rather who, she was dragging along behind her. Mason Jennings. Inwardly I groaned, repulsed by what I knew about their non relationship.

“Fallyn, I want you to meet Mason. I don’t think I’ve introduced you two before.” Jill looked at me as he stepped forward to shake my hand, daring me to say something.

“It’s a pleasure,” Mason said, releasing my hand at the same time.

“So, we’re going back to his place,” she smiled over at him, “and I’m not sure when I’ll be back.”

I knew it was going to happen, I knew it. “What the hell am I supposed to do while you’re off screwing this guy?”

Both Mason and Jill looked at me with wide eyes.

“You heard me! I know you two are smart enough to realize that you’re using each other.” I was sick of her ignorant shit, may as well tell them both how I felt. “Jill, you are only f*cking him because you want to get noticed. Mason, I’m sorry I don’t know you but from what I’ve heard, you only want to get your dick wet. Now, give me my bus ticket. I’m trading it in and getting the hell outta dodge.”

Jill snapped into action, smacking me across the face before I could block her. Mason reached forward trying to stop her assault but was too slow. I sneered at her, ready to knock her dumb ass out. I expected her to retaliate with a verbal assault; instead she huffed, snatched her bag higher up on her shoulder and stormed out of the bar. I followed, but only after I tried to apologize to the stunned guy we left in our wake. She had ghosted into the crowd by the time I caught up with her.

Jill didn’t come back to our room that night. By the next afternoon I was starting to panic. My chest clenched and I could feel my heartbeat pounding away in my chest. She had my bus ticket and without her, I was stuck in Philadelphia.

I paced the room for the remainder of day, watching the daylight grow into night. There was one more night paid for at the motel; if I checked out early the money would feed me, buy me a ticket to the show and I could talk to Mason. He was my last hope; he would know where Jill was.

It wasn’t hard to blend into the crowd at the bar that night. Women were crammed into every inch, talking and laughing…being genuinely happy. I didn’t have the groupie mentality that my friend did, so finding Mason proved difficult. I didn’t know anybody who knew somebody. I wasn’t even sure what the names of his band mates were. I didn’t see him until he stepped on stage.

The crowd around me hummed with excitement, dancing and singing along. I stood almost completely still, feeling very out of place. My ears slowly adjusted to the volume and picked up a very important detail in the process. According to the girls closest to me in the sea of people, Mason would be exiting the back door. I don’t remember everything after that moment. I know for sure I ended up behind the building, in an alley. There was a few girls gathered by the rear exit, waiting for a glimpse or a chance to blow someone.

There was a rush of people from the door and some very unnecessary screaming from the wannabes. I missed my chance. I lit my last cigarette, muttering obscenities the whole time. That’s when everything went black.

When my eyes parted, the light burned and I realized I was conscious but with no idea where I was or how long I was out. A soft drip sounded to the left of me, almost drowned out by the whir of some sort of machine. A moment of mixed up thought led me to believe I was in the hospital.

“Morning sunshine,” a female voice greeted me.

I forced my eyes open the entire way, wincing at the pain in my right eyelid. “Shit, what happened?” My voice sounded rough. What the hell was going on?

A short, mousy haired woman approached me. Rita, was the name on her badge. “You’re in the hospital. I’m not sure what happened to you; maybe you could shed some light on that for us?”

She looked so hopeful. I hated to tell her I wasn’t sure myself. “I have no clue. How long have I been here?”

“I might be able to fill in the blanks.”

I knew that voice. Boring nurse Rita moved aside to get a better look at my visitor while I made no attempt to hide the fact that I was almost falling off the bed to get a look myself. Yep, it was him all right.

He smiled at me tentatively. “How are you?”

“I would be better if I knew why I was here and why it feels like I’ve been run over.” Nurse Rita patted my leg, I was beginning to like her.

Mason’s eyes flew back and forth between my face and the nurse’s. She finally got the hint and hurried off. “Some guy jumped you in the alley. I couldn’t get a good look at him and he took off with your money but you’re still breathing so I guess I accomplished something.”

His uneasiness made me want to giggle. “Well, thanks for being there I guess. I’m not gonna run out and tell everyone how big of a hero you are, if that’s what you think.”

“Is that why you think I helped you out?” I could hear a slight tone of annoyance in his voice.

I forced a laugh. “Please, you did what you did out of first reaction and because you feel bad about…what day is it anyway?”

“It’s Sunday.” He came a little closer. “You’re wrong about me you know. I’m a good person if you don’t believe all the shit people say about me. If you took the time to know me, you would see.”

This guy was seriously trying to explain himself to me. He was so worried what I, a complete stranger, thought about him that he was defending his character. I could see why Jill was so enthralled with him. He had a nice smile, when he smiled.

“Look, you don’t have to prove yourself to me. Thanks for making sure I was okay.”

Mason half-turned as if he were about to leave but stopped. “What were you doing out there anyway?”

“I was hoping to catch you actually. Jill went MIA on me and I thought if anyone knew where she was it would be you and your dick.”

He cringed at my nonchalant tone. I suppose he’d never met anyone quite like me. “No, I haven’t seen her, sorry.”

Figured. Deep down in my gut was telling me she’d skipped town and left my ass on the east coast to rot. I groaned and yanked at my hair in frustration. Mason just stared like I was on display. I refused to carry on a conversation with him any longer and remained silent until he started to show signs of being uncomfortable. After he opened and closed his mouth a few times, probably to say something he thought should be said, he just left…no goodbye.