Vicious Circles

Chapter 7

One mistake almost always leads to two more. From there it multiplies until your life is unrecognizable. Mason and I met at such a sensitive time in my life. On one hand he helped me out but on the other, he unknowingly invited a whole new life form into my already unstable world.

July 2009

I stared at my reflection in the mirror as I sat in the little trailer on set. The transformation from the me months ago was astounding. I’d made it through my first acting experience; a top rated crime show. When they called me to come back, I almost shit myself. Mason, couldn’t have been prouder.

Things hadn’t really changed since Mason and I slept together, the night I found out I had my first job. Sex just showed up at our door every now and then. Of course we let it in and never spoke of it afterwards. Talk about your red flags.

The best thing about the whole situation was that I didn’t have to sleep in a shelter anymore. Yeah, I didn’t make enough to get a place of my own but that was a pipe dream anyway. I did, however; make enough to rent a room at a decent hotel.

Overall, I looked like a functioning member of society, by Hollywood’s standards and no one would ever be the wiser.

Someone knocked on the trailer door. “Come in,” I called not willing to let my own gaze go.

“Hey, are you ready? I was waiting in the car but I thought maybe your day ran long.” Mason climbed the steps and came all the way in the door.

“Shit, I’m sorry. No, I’m ready.” I grabbed my things and I followed him out.

I waved at people I worked with along the way. I knew most of what went on around me was superficial but damn if it didn’t feel nice to be noticed for good things.

“How was your day?” Mason asked, hitting the button on his keys to unlock the car.

“Today was amazing. I had this really wicked makeup…” My words caught in my throat. Across the street, a pair of familiar eyes had apparently followed my every move since walking off the soundstage.

“What’s the matter?” Mason followed my gaze. When he realized who it was he turned back to me. “Just get in the car.”

“Fallyn! Long time no see!” Jill yelled over the passing cars. She checked the street and crossed. She didn’t look any different, except she did.

Her hair was black and it had grown out a bit. She reminded me of a snake as she slithered across the pavement in her impossibly high heels.

“We’re in a hurry,” Mason said, trying to save the situation.

Jill smiled sweetly. “I won’t keep you. I just wanted to say hello.” Her eyes burned into mine and I knew she was pissed. “So, you’re working here at the studio?”

I held my hand up to silence Mason who was about to open his big mouth again. “Jill, you have a lot of nerve. You left me to rot in Philadelphia.” I was practically yelling and I made sure to point my finger right in her face to get my point across.

I expected so much more from her, the bitch, but her reaction was pitiful. She smiled and left; just walked away.

“What the hell was that?” I asked a wide-eyed Mason.

“She disappeared. That’s what you said.”

“I…she…f*ck I can never tell with her,” I sputtered. “This is bad. Really bad.”

Mason started the car but instead of putting it in drive he turned to me. His jeans made weird sounds on the leather seat so I concentrated on those to keep me in the moment.

“This doesn’t change anything, right?” He flailed his hand back and forth between us. I assumed he was referring to our unspoken sexual agreement.

“You have no idea what she could do to me. She knows more than most people and I’m probably high on her shit list. I have the career she wanted, the guy she wanted…” I sighed. My head was starting to pound.

“Maybe you should just tell me what she knows and we’ll kill the shit storm before she can cause one.” He set the car in drive.

My mind went in two directions. One, he obviously wanted to know more about me. Fair enough. I hadn’t offered him anything beyond my body and name. Two, he was actually concerned about my budding career. The smart part of my brain told me it was a little of both.

“I’ll make you a deal and you better f*cking feel special because I wouldn’t do this for anyone else.”

He rolled his eyes.

“I’m serious, Mason!”

“Sorry, OK. Just tell me what your terms are.” We’d reached the hotel by then. I assumed he was coming in because he parked his car. “You should know by now that I don’t care about your past, Fallyn. It stings a little that you don’t trust me like that.”

I looked at him as if he had three heads. Where did he get off being so damn hypocritical? “You have a lot of nerve.” I accused.

He stopped and turned to glare at me. “What are you talking about?”

“You expect me to dump all my baggage in your lap but you don’t have the common f*cking decency to do the same? If I’m supposed to trust you, you should most definitely trust me!”

His mouth flopped like a dying fish, which pissed me off. I stormed past him and into the lobby. He could stand in the parking lot with his own idiocy for all I cared. Of course, I should have known better. We were the non coupled, couple who got it on and never talked about it. We were both in the wrong and maybe there wasn’t any way to fix that.

“I’m sorry!” He called as I emerged on the second floor walkway of my small hotel. He hadn’t moved at all.

“You always think that will fix things,” I called back, making sure to give him the most energetic finger I could.

“Fallyn, I’m coming up.”

I stopped walking and leaned over the railing. “Mason, if you plan to come up here and act like things are peachy I will punch you in your man parts.”

“Yeah, yeah.” He walked toward the lobby.

I was lighting a cigarette when he appeared. “Did you leave the bullshit in the parking lot?”

“When are you going to get a real place?” he asked, totally ignoring my question while he fought with the key card.

“I’m lucky to have a place to begin with,” I chided as I pushed past him when he finally got the door open.

“Why did you leave Florida?”

I felt sort of trapped, like I had no choice but to unzip my baggage and see how he would deal. Despite feeling trapped, I also felt slightly liberated. He wasn’t spending time with anyone but me and he wasn’t sleeping with anyone but me, that I knew of. I let my things fall to the floor noisily.

“We’re gonna need some alcohol for this. I’ll order a couple of pizzas.”

He smirked and left my room to buy our usual drink of choice, whatever was cheapest at the liquor store on the corner.

***

The one thing Mason and I did perfectly was drink. It wasn’t as if we were alcoholics; we didn’t drink every day. When we did drink, it was to perfection and we usually ended the evening with sex. I wasn’t so sure he would want to sleep with me after the shit I was about to tell him.

“OK, we’ve eaten one and a half pizzas…not to mention I’m almost too intoxicated to understand. I think it’s about time you tell me what has you running scared from Jill.” Mason fell back along the bed, landing with a thump.

I inhaled deeply and let it go slowly. “I hated Florida with a passion. I knew early on that no matter what happened I was getting the hell out of that place. It wasn’t even like we lived in the cool part of the state. We lived in Pensacola for f*ck sake.”

Mason snickered but quickly covered it up with a fake cough. “Sorry.”

“Are your parents still married?” I asked him out of curiosity.

“Yeah, they are.” He looked a bit shameful as if he knew what I was going to say next.

“My mom and dad were married once. Sometime after my sister was born he split. When she was three he showed up again or so I’ve heard. I mean, it has to be true because I’m here. He didn’t stay though. He got the hell out before I even met him.”

“He left your mom twice? What an a*shole.”

I nodded in agreement. “I used to wonder if my life would have been different, had he stayed.”

Mason moved closer to me and wrapped his right arm around my shoulders. “What do you mean?”

“My mom was f*cking unstable. I don’t even know if that’s the best word to describe her.” My chest tightened a bit. “She…well, she got involved in drugs. I don’t know exactly when it happened because sometimes we didn’t see her for days.”

The look on his face wasn’t one of pity. It was understanding which shocked the hell out of me. He had a decent childhood. I also knew he was still close with his parents. They called him often and vice versa.

“You mentioned a sister. What happened to her?”

London, my sister. Jill was the only other person who knew about my sister and my mother. The absent dad and half conscious mother wasn’t so horrible but if anyone really knew what happened; the spotlight would be on me and I would be Hollywood’s gossip magazine charity case.

“Her name was London and she was my family; my true family. We were only three years apart but she took care of me. I think now, how selfish I was. No one took care of her.” Tears did not fall for my sister. The emotions ran so far and stopped because I had cut the tie that bound them.

Mason looked concerned, as far as I could tell in the dimming light, and it could have been my lack of emotional reactions to the things that were spilling from my mouth or it could have been the alcohol coursing through his system.

“When London was twenty, she overdosed on a combination of pills and cocaine. I guess that’s right. My mother wouldn’t tell me the whole story but I knew she turned my sister into a monster just like her.” My stomach twisted in knots as I thought about how much I disliked my mother. So many times I had wished it was her instead.

The room was silent and thankfully, finally, pitch black. I could feel Mason breathing heavily next to me. We sat like that for an undetermined amount of time before he spoke. When he spoke it was almost a whisper.

“Fallyn, I don’t know what to say.”

“Just don’t tell anyone OK?” I was almost certain he wouldn’t.

“I don’t think I could repeat it. I don’t know how you told me all that without a hint of emotion.”

“Isn’t that what happens when you get over something?” I wasn’t stupid; I wasn’t anywhere near being over the things my mother had done.

His hand tightened on my shoulder. “No, that’s not how things are. You loved your sister, right?”

My throat was tight and scratchy just thinking about it. “She was all I had for the longest time, Mason. Of course I loved her.”

“Then it’s OK to be upset.”

I moved his arm and stood from the bed to move across the room. I leaned against the dresser, still in the complete black that had taken over. “Don’t tell me how to feel…I’ll do this in my own way.”

He slid from the bed and I couldn’t see him but I could hear his feet on the carpeted floor. There was a shuffling and when his warm, bare chest met my waiting hands I realized he’d taken his shirt off. His forehead fell against mine.

“It’s lonely, isn’t it?” He questioned and I could imagine the green of his eyes, intense and locked on mine.

“What do you know about being lonely, huh? You have a family that loves you and friends that would do anything for you.” Who was he kidding?

“It is possible to have everything you want and still feel empty; like something’s missing.”

Mason was searching for something just like I was. We were kindred in a way that wasn’t healthy but when you’re happy and feel human it doesn’t matter what’s right and what’s wrong. He kissed me lightly on the lips.

“You make me feel like a person, Mason.”

“I like that you need me,” he answered without hesitation.

“Is it possible to be addicted to a person?”

He sighed and his breath landed on my face. I could smell the liquor and it was oddly comforting. It made him real and that was all I needed at that point; something real.