Vicious Circles

Chapter 12

Mid-September 2009

I have to be honest; I absolutely loved working on a movie set. It was far more exciting for me than doing television. Granted, my part was merely supporting but that didn’t matter to me at all. I went to work every day with a huge smile on my face and a spring in my step. Along with me, at all times, was my prescription Percocet that I’d been given after my appendectomy. They really took the edge off of the ache in my side and allowed me to concentrate on work, among other things.

When Mason offered to go and have them refilled, I didn’t say no. I loved the way they made me feel. I felt like a human and the constant aching inside me was gone. It wasn’t just the ache from my surgery; it was the ache from all the shit that had happened to me before meeting Mason. Even he had commented on how healthy and happy I looked.

“So, you and Lynn are going shopping tomorrow?” Mason asked as he watched me dump Chinese food from the containers onto plates.

“Yes. I need something to wear to the wrap party. You’re coming to that, right?” I turned to look at him briefly and noticed his eyes trained on my abdomen. “What are you staring at? You look like a creeper.”

“So I’ve been told,” he said with no emotion. “Fallyn, why haven’t you told me what happened to you.” He motioned toward the series of scars on my left side, right in between my left breast and hip.

I stopped what I was doing and grasped the counter for support. “It was a long time ago, Mason. It’s not something I really want to get into right now.” The familiar burn in my throat and eyes appeared. I wanted to scream because I hadn’t felt it in so long. I was hoping it was just gone.

Mason grabbed me from behind and because of the sports bra I wore I could feel his warm arms against my middle. “You don’t have to tell me right now. I’m ready whenever you are.”

I relaxed immediately. “Thank you.”

The rest of the night went fairly well, considering I was still on edge about the thought of telling Mason how I’d gotten the scars on my side. He decided to sleep over, which was also the norm. The only thing that wasn’t normal about that night was the way I felt when I looked in the mirror. I thought about how amazing Mason was and how lucky I had been. The woman staring back at me was only outwardly happy and that made me sick. I wanted it to change; I wanted to be happy all the way.

My extra bottle of Percocet stared at me from the corner of the sink. It taunted me and I could almost feel the medication entering my system. I grabbed the bottle and dumped three pills into my hand. It was way more than I was supposed to take. It didn’t matter to me; as long as I made my boyfriend happy. As long as I kicked ass at work and was a good friend to Lynn it was okay.

Little did I know…it wouldn’t be okay. Around three in the morning I came to, sweating like a pig. My eyes were heavy and my brain wouldn’t register that I needed to stand up. My stomach was doing its best to empty whatever was in there. I pushed away from the bed and rolled onto the floor practically crawling to the bathroom. I pleaded with the silent room around me that I would make it to the toilet and not wake Mason up.

“Shit, are you alright?” I was never that lucky. He flipped the bathroom light on as I crossed the threshold and helped me scoot the rest of the way.

I waved him away with my hand because there was no way I wanted him to be present while I threw up. Instead he grabbed my sweaty hair and held it back. I could have cried and actually, I think I may have. I was never going to take more medicine than I was supposed to again.

“Are you OK?” He asked, smoothing my hair from my face as I sat back against the bathtub.

My eyes refused to focus; I was wasted. “Fine…I’m fine.” My voice sounded miles away and it felt like I was floating.

Mason pulled my face upward by my chin and took a good look at me. “What in the hell are you on?”

I smacked at his arm lazily. “Nothing; shit. Leave me alone.” I had no clue what I was saying.

Before I could react, though I don’t think I could have at the point, Mason had lifted me easily from the bathroom floor and placed me gently in bed. He climbed in behind me and wrapped his arms around my middle.

“Maybe you should stop taking the Percocet,” he whispered softly in my ear.

“I’ll stop. I’m done with them,” I mumbled, half asleep.

“Good.” He nipped my ear playfully and settled himself snugly against my back.

The next day I was fine. It was like the night before was a dream that I barely remembered. I felt so amazing that I took a pill before I went out shopping with Lynn. I wanted my smile to last the whole day. We rode in her car, with the top down, along Wilshire toward Rodeo. I hadn’t quite gotten used to shopping in that area of Beverly Hills but I didn’t hate the place. Lynn pulled into a small parking area and I hopped out to pay for parking.

“You are extra happy today. Mason must have stayed over last night.” She said as she approached me.

I pulled my wallet from my bag. “He did and I’m slightly offended that you’re insinuating that I’m gloomy usually…Holy shit, my wallet’s growing money.”

“What are you talking about?” Lynn peered into my open wallet. “Hey big spender,” she joked.

I didn’t carry cash out of sheer habit but I was staring at four one hundred dollar bills, clear as day in my wallet. “I’ve been hit by the money fairy apparently.” I fingered the money, shocked.

Lynn burst into laughter warranting a few stares from the Beverly Hills usuals as they got in and out of their Mercedes and BMWs. “I bet the money fairy is about five foot nine with a devious smile and good intentions.”

“Why in hell would he leave this much money in my wallet? He’s insane!” Then I remembered telling him the reason I was going shopping the night before and it dawned on me. The spare money was his attempt at buying me a dress.

“Let’s just get the parking voucher and shop. No deep thinking allowed here.” Lynn grabbed my wallet, took out the four dollars for parking and then shoved it back into my bag. “If the man wants to pay for a dress, let him.”

I didn’t argue with her; it was almost like arguing with Mason. Those two should have been lawyers in a firm together. We walked along the row of stores first, just talking and gossiping about our projects we were working on. I daydreamed at the small windows of Cartier while Lynn actually went inside.

“Do you feel high and mighty?” I asked her when she came back out.

She laughed and we began our search for my dress. The heels I’d borrowed from Lynn were killing my feet but I soldiered on. The LA sun washed over me as we walked and I thought about how much things had changed since May. I wasn’t homeless anymore. Instead I was walking along Rodeo drive with my bff Lynn Taylor, shopping for a dress for my wrap party. I had brand name clothes on with heels and as far as anyone knew, I belonged there. Still, I was the same me, from months ago, inside. I was still Fallyn with a broken heart and broken family.

“Fallyn? I asked you a question.”

I shook my head, clearing away the thoughts. “Sorry, just thinking. I should take something; my side is starting to ache a little.”

“It’s been about three weeks. Shouldn’t you be feeling better by now?” She held the door to a shop open and followed me in.

“I did go back to work when I shouldn’t have…” It was the truth. I wasn’t technically lying to her. I did lie to Mason though. I vaguely remember promising him that I wouldn’t take the Percocet anymore.

“You’re so dedicated,” Lynn said sarcastically.

I grabbed a dress off the rack and held it up to myself. “You have no clue.”

***

Mason was still gone when Lynn finally dropped me off. I did a sweep of the parking area for his car, just in case. I took the cursed heels off and climbed the stairs to the second floor landing. I put my key in the lock and started to turn it but stopped when I noticed one of my monogrammed post it notes stuck to the front door.

Hey baby,

I stopped by to grab the leftover Chinese in the fridge but you weren’t back yet. I hope you had fun with Lynn and I hope you found a dress. You’re welcome. I left you something else inside.

M



He rarely did things like that so when he did I all but melted. Mason was not romantic and he didn’t try to be. I thought he was sexiest when he was totally himself and did whatever his heart told him. My heart raced a bit and I didn’t know if it was the semi love note on my door or the thought of what I would find inside. The thought lit a fire under my ass and I turned the key sharply.

I dropped everything I had in my hands right beside the front door and scanned the area. I didn’t see anything out of place. I wandered through the apartment and found nothing out of the ordinary. I was curious so I walked back to the living room to grab the cordless phone. I would call him if I had to. I didn’t have to though. I saw exactly what he had done; it hung in the empty spot on my wall that had been reserved. The bleeding girl stared at me with her big, bleeding eyes. He’d found my painting; the painting that had become such a symbol of myself the moment I saw her. There was another of my post it’s clinging to the frame of my painting and I moved as close as I could despite the couch, to read it.

I love you.

Three little words were scrawled out in Mason’s almost illegible handwriting. I didn’t gasp or cry or react in any certain way. Instead I backed away and sat on the coffee table, still staring at the purple piece of paper. He loved me. In so many ways I knew he did and in so many ways I knew I loved him. It was shocking to see it in writing. My brain began to form connections that I would find out later were twisted but I didn’t know any better. I had essentially bettered myself and, since I’d been taking the medication, I felt controlled. It didn’t seem as if the world would fall away from me at any minute. All that on top of Mason telling me he loved me lead me to believe Percocet was my very best friend and we should never part.

The next thing I did surprised me the most. I pulled my cell phone from the side pocket on my bag and sent Mason a text message.

I love you too.

A warm, nervous feeling began in my toes and worked its way up. There was a smile on my face but I was apprehensive of what our admissions meant. There was no denying that we were dating. What would we tell the media? Would we even acknowledge our relationship?

My phone chirped in my hand. Mason replied.

Plug in the night light. Someone’s getting lucky tonight.

I didn’t bother to reply. All I could do was laugh.

Mason was still out practicing for his first tour with his band when I started dinner. I found that cooking was something I enjoyed and it seemed to calm my nerves. Without Lynn or Mason around, I got bored. At the rate I was going, I would eat everything in my cabinet. I stared at my painting while eating my dinner on the coffee table. When Mason showed up, I was already on dessert.

“Hey you,” he swept in and kissed me on the cheek before shedding his jacket and shirt. “Did you make brownies?”

I nodded and gestured toward the pan on the counter. “All I had was the mix with walnuts and I hate walnuts so I’ve been picking them out.”

He slid his left hand under my chin and back into my hair. Slowly he cocked his head to the right and moved in to press his lips softly to mine. “You taste like chocolate; it’s nice.”

“You taste like beer and cigarettes.”

“I’ve been with the guys. We drank beer and smoked cigarettes.” He laughed and opened the fridge to grab a bottle of water. “You’ll never guess who I saw hanging out by the gas station down the street.”

“No!” I said, already suspecting who it was. “Jill?”

Mason nodded. “I don’t know if she saw me but I saw her. She was sitting against the side of the building.”

I looked toward the floor and I actually felt guilty. Even though that bitch deserved what she got I couldn’t help but remember how it felt to have nowhere to go. The feelings were still alive inside me and it was hard to hate her in that moment.

“Thank you for the painting. How did you find it?”

He watched me as if he was trying to decide if he really wanted to let me change the subject or not. “I tracked it down. It wasn’t that hard.” His cheeks blushed pink.

I grabbed his hand and pulled him in for a hug. “It’s the best gift I’ve ever been given.”

“So far,” he said with a smirk. “I got a call about the Open Skies premiere today. I want you to go with me; as my date.”

It didn’t sound like it, but going out together like that was a huge step for us. Mason and I were hermits. We liked to lock ourselves away in a room and pretend there was no one else. Bringing in the media and others was scary as shit. Hopefully he had thought about how that would affect us beforehand. Either way, it was hard to say no to him.

“Of course I will. I get to buy my own dress though; no complaints.”

“As long as I’m taking it off afterwards, I don’t care who buys the thing.”

“Are you always planning out our sex life in advance?” I joked with a slight poke to his bare chest.

He lifted me to the counter and moved so he stood between my legs. “I’m not planning anything. There’s less chance for disappointment that way.”

Truer words were never spoken.