Vicious Circles

Chapter 14

My world had imploded in a matter of minutes and I had no idea why. I had lain on the carpet for longer than I cared to admit, although the imprint of the individual strands totally gave me away. There was a sharp pain in my chest. I managed to pry myself off the polyester and climb into the shower, but I cried just the same in the bathroom. The change of scenery didn’t help me at all. I had a sick feeling in my stomach from the constant sobs and lack of nutrition. Rather than eat, I popped a couple Percocet and hoped for darkness. I would just sleep until Mason came back and made everything right again.

What if he doesn’t come back?

I grimaced as the thought crossed my mind. Maybe I wasn’t good enough…maybe that’s why he let some other girl kiss him. The thoughts just wouldn’t stop and I felt sick once again. I dove into bed, my hair still wet and there I stayed. My cell phone began to sound off an hour later. It was constant, between calls and text messages. After the noise registered in my brain I felt around the bed side table until I found the phone and pressed it to my ear.

“Hello?” I sounded half conscious-half dead.

“Fallyn…don’t hang up.” Mason pleaded in a strained voice.

I didn’t hang up; it was almost physically impossible. The tears in his voice were screaming he’d done something ignorant that he regretted. That wasn’t even really the problem I was having. It was more that I felt less adequate than before, almost as if I wasn’t good enough for him. I loved him and I was beginning to think I could let the shit in my past go…until he did what he did.

“You don’t have to talk to me. Just hear me out.” He paused and when I didn’t hang up or respond, he continued. “I’m a f*ck up OK? I told you I would mess this up and I didn’t think we would be…us. I’m screwing this up-“

“Mason,” I cut him off, “why did you do it?”

He sighed. “I don’t know baby…”

The pet name he’d given me left his lips so easily and it made my heart beat faster. My head was throbbing and I could feel the tears rising again, slowly. I took a deep breath and braced myself for what I was going to say.

“I need some time.”

“Don’t lock yourself away, Fallyn. I know you. This isn’t your fault; it has nothing to do with you. It’s me. I’m the a*shole here, OK?”

“I’ll call you tomorrow, Mason.” I flipped the phone closed and let it fall to the floor.

The thud echoed in my silent room and at that moment I felt alone. It didn’t matter what I did or who I did it with, I would always feel like the only person who could shoulder the past I’d been stuck with. Mason dulled the ache for the longest time but it always reared its ugly head sooner or later. Then, when I’d discovered the wonderful feeling the Percocet gave me, the idea of being a normal functioning human being didn’t seem so unreachable. The pain of not being good enough for him had eclipsed the pain of him letting some skank put her lips on his.

I closed my eyes and welcomed any kind of rest. I had hidden away in my bedroom for almost twenty four hours and I could continue to hide there until I was due to work again. At least, I thought that was the case. Before I could fully become one with my bed someone knocked on my front door. I wanted to open it but the fact that it could be Mason terrified me. I wasn’t ready to face him yet. When I got a text from Lynn, demanding I open the door, it was obvious he wasn’t ready to face me either.

“I’m coming, hold on,” I called out on my way to the door.

“You look like shit,” Lynn said with an understanding look as I pulled it open and she walked past me into the apartment. “Mason called and told me what happened. I’m sorry honey.” She grabbed me and hugged me tight.

“I can’t believe he told you. It’s not like him to admit he’s an ass.” I smoothed my wild hair from my face and collapsed on the couch.

“Fallyn, the a*shole gene exists in anything with a penis. Unfortunately, it always shows up at the wrong time.”

“He sent you to check on me didn’t he?”

She laughed lightly. “He suggested I come over to make sure you were alright but I would have come anyway. We’re friends. With that said, you should go get yourself together; I’m taking you out for dinner.”

I watched her silently, trying to guess how serious she was. She stuck one hand on her hip and glared when I didn’t move from the couch.

“Fine, I’m going.” I pushed myself off the couch and trudged off to the bathroom to dry my hair.

Lynn was waiting patiently for me when I reemerged looking human enough to venture out in public. We ended up driving to Santa Monica and up Pacific Highway to eat at a small out of the way seafood place. It was busy but it was busy with locals. Our table was on the small deck and I sort of enjoyed the warm sun rays beating against my pale skin.

“How are you really?” Lynn asked as the waiter placed a salad in front of each of us.

I chewed slowly, trying to choose my words correctly. “I don’t know how to explain it. I was hurt when he told me what happened but today I missed him. I just want to forgive him and get back to normal but there’s that small part of me that’s holding me back.”

“I’m not on Mason’s side but I do have to say…he loves you. Anyone can see that. With that said, only you can decide where you two go from here. It doesn’t matter how much advice I give you; it’s your decision.”

I took a deep breath and a small bite of my salad. “It’s hard for me to judge him, Lynn. I’ve made so many bad choices that it seems f*cking ridiculous.”

Lynn paused and looked at me. “You two spend so much time together. Don’t you think its okay to do your own thing every now and then?”

I looked at her stupidly.

“I don’t mean that Mason’s f*ck up was OK, Fallyn,” she said laughing. “I mean, you and Mason never spent any real time apart and now you’re lost without each other.”

“He’s lost?” I questioned. “It’s only been a day; that seems silly.”

“I haven’t seen him. We didn’t really talk much before you and I became friends but I could tell when he called that something was wrong.”

I watched the waves roll in loudly. They crashed almost violently against the beach and the beachgoers. My chest began to ache at the thought of not having Mason in my world ever again.

I could feel my eyes begin to burn so I excused myself from the table and made my way to the bathroom. The restroom was cool and I hid away in a stall just in case Lynn came walking in. I pulled the small case with my medication from the bag I’d brought along. I didn’t need water; I could swallow two, or in that case three, no problem. There was no thought in my mind as the pills disappeared down my esophagus and into my stomach. Just knowing the light and airy feeling I would get in a matter of an hour made me smile.

Lynn raised an eyebrow at me when I returned but I just waved it off. I already knew I would let Mason right back in. Except, my goal to be the best he’d ever had was on in full force.

By the time my lunch with Lynn was over I was completely relaxed. Somehow, the fact that I had gone from taking one Percocet to taking three Percocet seemed to escape my notice. What I did notice was the way I felt afterwards. I felt free and it was as if all my issues melted away. I could breathe easily and most importantly I could think clearly.

“You’re sure you will be all right?” Lynn asked when she pulled up in front of my building.

Nothing would ruin my outlook on life while I was in my drug induced happy place. “I’ll be fine. I always am.”

Lynn smiled although she didn’t look too convinced. She hugged me tightly and I climbed from the car. I bounced up the stairs and came to a screeching halt when I reached my door. Mason was sitting, back against the door, staring me dead in the face. He looked worn and his eyes were carrying bags that suggested to me he hadn’t slept enough.

“Hey,” I said dryly when I sunk down next to him.

His right arm slid around my shoulders instinctively and my head fell to rest against his. “I f*cked things up.”

I snapped my eyes closed. Sitting next to him felt like the best idea in the world and I could have cared less what happened at that moment. His body heat permeated my thin tank top. I could have cried out in happiness simply because he was there.

“We can get through this you know? We’ll be fine.” I didn’t know if I was convincing him or myself.

“I don’t know why I did it, Fallyn. When I said I loved you, I meant it and I would never throw those words around carelessly.” His voice was tainted with sadness and it broke my heart.

I climbed up and onto his lap. I straddled him right there on my doorstep and grabbed his face between both of my hands. I pressed my lips lightly against his and whispered, “We’ll be fine. I love you too.”

Silently, I abandoned his lap and let us both into the apartment. He followed me around as I changed, saying nothing. It was oddly comforting just to have his scent around me, to have him breathing in the same space as myself. I couldn’t quite believe the change in myself from earlier in the day to then. Obviously, Mason couldn’t either.

“Fallyn, we should talk about this. I don’t think pretending like it didn’t happen is such a good idea.” He grabbed my upper arm as I turned from the fridge with a beer in hand. He pulled me closer. “What’s going on with you? Your pupils are huge.”

I wrenched my arm away from him and sloshed the beer on my kitchen floor in the process.

“Nothing’s going on with me.” I grabbed for the paper towels to clean up the beer before it got sticky.

“Are you high?” he asked in a concerned voice.

“No! I’m not high, OK?” It hurt to lie to him. It damn near killed me. The little voice in the back of my head was screaming at me. It told me I was traveling; break neck speed, down a dead end road.

Shut the f*ck up little voice. I’m in control now.

Mason knelt down to my level as I swiped the paper towels around on the floor. He lifted my chin with his right index finger until our eyes met. “What I did…that other girl, she had nothing to do with you. No one can be you in my eyes. So, you can tell me anything and I’ll always be here.”

I let my feet slip from under me so I landed on my ass. I burst into tears. “I couldn’t understand why. I just wanted to know why, Mason.” It was a wonder he understood what I was saying through my sobs.

“It won’t ever happen again.” There was finality to his tone that I knew all too well. He was telling me the truth. He pulled me to him, ignoring the still damp beer spill.

“What happens when you leave for the tour?” I mumbled. The crying had calmed quickly. I was truly turning into a bipolar mess.

Mason sighed. He didn’t like talking about him leaving. “When the time comes, we’ll work something out, promise.” His fingers ran absentmindedly through my hair.

We sat on my kitchen floor for the longest time, just feeling one another breathe. That was my favorite part about having Mason in my life. There was a time in my life when I didn’t think I needed anyone, but Mason weaseled his way in and I couldn’t live without him. It would cause me physical pain to lose him.

That little voice was right.