Translation of Love

“Elle, wait!” I hear Rob call, but I don’t listen. I make my way around the corner and quickly flag down a taxi. I ask the cabbie to take me to Penn Station. I wipe my face free of tears and try to calm myself down. The sound of my phone ringing in my purse startles me. I fish it out and look at the caller ID. Of course, Victor’s learning that I just ditched Rob. I silence the phone and toss it back in my purse.

Once inside Penn station, I grab a train ticket to my stop. Luckily, the train station is only a few minutes away from my house and there should be available cabs. I grab a coffee from one of the many vendors inside the station and make my way to my assigned platform. The train runs hourly and, thankfully, I’m right on time.

It’s late enough that the train isn’t so full. There are plenty of seats and I’m able to sit alone for the entire ride. I stare out the window, the world melting away in a haze. Mentally I’m beating myself up for being so stupid. Victor didn’t do anything wrong, he was just an unfortunate casualty of my craziness. I just need a good night’s sleep. Everything will be better in the morning. My head will be clear and I can decide whether or not I should leave it alone or beg for forgiveness.

Almost three hours later, I’m in a cab on my way home. My chest hurts. It’s a physical ache that I haven’t felt in a long time. I’ve got no one but myself to blame. I let the demons of my past destroy my wonderful present. I want to take it all back, wish it away, close my eyes and wake up back in Victor’s bed, in his arms. I need to do something, call him and apologize, anything is better than this.

I pay the driver and make my way up the walkway to my house. Pulling my keys out of my purse, I unlock the door and toss my bags, unceremoniously on the floor. I close and lock the door and turn on the living room lights. I turn around and am startled when I come face to face with Victor. He’s standing there, blank face, unsure of himself. The pain in my chest instantly subsides, and a fresh batch of tears start to fall from my eyes.

I shake my head, to let him know I’m an idiot. “I’m so sorry,” I cry, running into his arms. I throw my arms around his neck and he slinks his arms around my waist. “I’m such a f*cking bitch. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Victor hugs me tighter, putting his face in the crook of my neck, he murmurs, “Shh. It’s okay, love, it’s alright.”

“I’m so stupid. I know you didn’t do anything wrong,” I say, gripping at his shirt with my fists, trying to somehow get closer to him.

“You’re not stupid. Come on, let’s sit you down.” Victor leads me over to the couch and helps me sit. He takes a seat on the coffee table directly in front of me so that we’re face to face, our knees touching. He uses the pads of his thumbs to wipe the tears off of my face.

“Wait a minute, what are you even doing here? How did you get in? Where’s Rob?”

He lets out a little chuckle. “Babe, I told you I wasn’t letting you go that easily right?” I nod. “Gavin and I exchanged numbers during dinner last week. I called him, explained what happened, he met me here and let me in. Rob stayed behind.”

All of a sudden I’m scared of what, if anything, my brother has divulged. “What did Gavin say to you?”

“Nothing, Ellie. He said that you’ve been through a lot and that I should be patient with you.” Not too bad, but bad enough that I know I’m gonna have to give something away.

“Do you wanna tell me what happened back there, Babe?”

I blink up at him. “I think maybe you were right. I was just looking for a reason to end it. To protect myself from getting hurt.”

“Because someone hurt you in the past.”

I nod, and let out a slow breath, taking a moment to gather my thoughts. “I met Brian not long after my mom died. He was larger than life. Nice, sweet, cute. Perfect package, ya know? I was lonely and sad, and in a lot of pain. I think a part of me knew that he wasn’t right for me but I was so desperate to fill this void that she left behind, this insane emptiness.”

“That’s normal, Babe,” he says, wiping away a fresh set of tears.

“We started out hot and heavy and before long, he was moving into my apartment. Once he moved in, I started noticing things.”

Victor’s eyes go wide. “What kind of things?”

“I don’t know, like he couldn’t hold a job. He was constantly getting fired from places and then blaming it on the company, saying they just didn’t like him. He would go out a lot, stay out till late and say he was just hanging out with friends. He never had money. I was always giving him money, and I did it because I thought I loved him, and I thought he loved me. I didn’t want to lose that. I had already lost my mom, I didn’t think I could handle losing one more person that I thought I loved.”

“That’s understandable,” Victor says, trying to make me feel better. How did this conversation even start? My head is screaming for me to shut down and not say another word but my mouth is just not listening. The thought of Victor looking at me with pity is more than I can handle. Millions of people deal with bad boyfriends and broken hearts, who am I to think that my situation is any more profound or painful, but I keep talking because something is telling me that he’ll understand.

“Around 10 months in, during one of the times that he was working, he bought a little ring and asked me to marry him. I think he just proposed to keep me happy. He figured that by putting a ring on my finger, he was buying my silence for a few years,” I say looking down at my hands playing with the hem of my shirt.

He leans over and pulls my chin up until my eyes meet his. “What do you mean by buying your silence?”

I swallow before I start again. “I think he sensed my unhappiness. He could sense that I was starting to believe that our relationship was going nowhere. That he never had any intention of growing up, becoming an actual member of society.” I shrug my shoulders at him and keep talking. “He was afraid to lose his meal ticket. I made his life very cushy. I enabled his bad habits and, by keeping me around, he could go on living his useless life. It was never about love for him it was about security. He put a ring on my finger so that I would stay with him.”

I look in Victor’s eyes and I see something changing in them from sadness to what appears to be anger at what I’ve been through. “So what happened?”

“He proposed, I said yes, and then the minute I started talking about having an actual wedding, he started getting nervous, asking me what my rush was, saying that we had all the time in the world to plan a wedding. He started spending more and more time out of the house until finally, a few weeks later, I got an anonymous tip from a girl saying that he had been spending all of his free time with her. She must have gotten my phone number from his cell phone. She told me where she lived and when I showed up, he was there.”

“He had found a new meal ticket.” I look away from him, turn my gaze toward the window and nod. I’m feeling embarrassed for having been so stupid. “Hey. Ellie look at me.” I do as he asks. “Not all men treat women like that, you know? I’m sorry that you went through that but it’s time for you to let it go. You don’t have to forget but you can’t keep living behind this fortress you’ve built around yourself. You can’t carry all of that. Don’t you see that you’re just letting him win and by letting him win, you’re robbing us of something that has the potential to be f*cking amazing.”

“I know you’re right. The whole way back here on the train I was trying to wrap my head around what I did. I thought I lost you and it really hurt,” I admit, choking back tears. “I promise, I’ll do better.”

“That’s all I want.” Victor brings his lips to mine and kisses me gently. I melt into him, feeling nothing but happiness at the fact that I didn’t ruin everything. He looks at me and smiles. “You know I’m staying, right?”

I chuckle. “You better.” I place my forehead on his. The events of the day start to take their toll on my body and all I want to do is sleep. “I’m really exhausted, Baby.”

“Me too. Let’s go to bed.” We go upstairs hand in hand. Quickly, I discard all of my clothes until I’m left wearing only panties. Turning around to face Victor, I grab the hem of his t-shirt and pull it up over his head. I flip it back to the right side and pull it over my head. Victor stares at me, eyes glowing and lets out a laugh. “You really are a nut, ya know that?”

“I know,” I whisper, pulling the sheets down and sliding into bed. Victor takes off his shoes and jeans, leaving only his boxers on and slides in next to me. He throws his arm over my waist and pulls me in closer, linking his legs through mine. “Thank you for coming after me. I was afraid I’d never see you again.” It’s yet another confession I give him to add to the mounting list.

“You’re welcome, Love,” he says, placing a kiss on my forehead, “now go to sleep.”

“Okay.” Snuggling up to him as close as I can, I let the feel of him all around relax me. His soft breathing in my hair and the feather light touch of his fingertips on my back soothe my frayed nerves and guide me to sleep.

His cold green eyes startle me. I wasn’t expecting him, not after how things ended. I thought I’d never see him again. He’s angry, I know that much. I ask him what he’s doing here and he starts to yell. Screaming at the top of his lungs, his words are like daggers slicing me open with every lash of the tongue. I try to calm him down, apologize for whatever it is he thinks I’ve done. My words go unheard, his anger is too much for me to calm. I retreat, feeling the anger building, I try to run but a hand grabs my hair and yanks me back hard. I fall to the ground, then blackness.

I shoot up in bed to a sitting position in a cold sweat. Realization hits that it was only a nightmare. A nightmare that I haven’t had in a long time. I take deep breaths and try to calm down but I’m still a bit unsettled. Looking down, I find that I’m alone in bed. Maybe last night was a dream too. Maybe Victor never followed me here. I look down at my t-shirt, it’s the one I took from him last night. He has to be here. I move to get out of bed but the clicking of the doorknob stops me.

The door opens and in walks Victor, cup of coffee in hand. “Morning, Love.”

The tension starts to melt away from my body at the sight of him. “Good morning. I was afraid you weren’t really here.”

“I’m here. I haven’t gone anywhere.” He sits on the side of the bed and hands me my coffee. The smell is intoxicating. Nothing like a cup of coffee to wash away a bad nightmare. I take a sip and let the warmth envelop me. “Mmm, this is so good. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” He looks as if he wants to tell me something but is holding back.

I put the cup down on my nightstand and tilt my head in his direction. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. I just need to head back home soon. I’m due back for a meeting on an endorsement deal I’m supposed to sign off on. It’s one of those contracts I was reviewing yesterday.”

“Oh.” I look down to my lap, feeling deflated. How did I get to this point in the relationship where the mere thought of him leaving makes me sad? I hate it and love it at the same time. I love that I am allowing myself to experience the emotion but I hate the emotion itself. “It’s alright, I understand.”

“I don’t know,” he says, lifting my chin up so that our eyes are aligned. He shakes his head. “I just don’t know if I feel comfortable leaving you.”

My eyes squint in question. “What? Why?”

A slow grin creeps onto his lips. “I’m not so sure that you’ve learned your lesson yet.”

I blink up at him. “My lesson?”

“Yup.” He nods.

Fighting a smile, I ask, “And what lesson is it that you think I haven’t learned?”

He has that hungry look in his eyes. “The one where we agreed that you were mine,” he says, crawling up over me and pushing me down with his upper body. “I think it’s a lesson that needs to be reviewed.”

My heartbeat goes crazy, and I know it’s all his doing. “Maybe it does, but I thought you said you had to go.” I gasp as he pulls my panties off of me and tosses them on the floor. He lifts himself from the bed, strips out of his boxers and is back over me before I can recover.

“Yeah, I did, but in the grand scheme of things, this…” he says, placing his hand on my mound, “is just too important to put off.”

I spread my legs, encouraging him to position himself between them. “Then let’s review.”

He shakes his head. “It’s just that you didn’t get it the first time, so…” He bites down on my shoulder, causing a whimper to escape from my lips. “I think I have to give it to you a different way.” I squeal as he flips us over so that he’s on his back and I’m straddling him on top. “Take this off,” he commands, grabbing the hem of my shirt. I pull it over my head. He takes it from me and throws it on the floor.

I bend down, bringing my hands to rest on either side of his head. I bring my lips to his and we kiss, our tongues coming together in a dance that’s full of passion. The more we kiss, the more I want him inside of me. His mouth makes me drunk with desire. I lift myself up ever so slightly, and move one of my hands, bringing it down to grab hold of his hardness and slowly guide him inside of me. A moan escapes from my lips as I slide down, accepting all of him.

He breaks the kiss, grabbing each of my hands and placing them on his chest and moving his hands to grasp my hips. I begin to move my hips, slowly at first until I find a rhythm and a speed that feels good, that I’m comfortable with. I’ve never liked being on top in the past. Usually it makes me feel exposed, vulnerable, like all of my flaws are on display. With Victor, for some reason, it’s different. Maybe because he goes out of his way to make me see beauty, the beauty inside of myself and inside of him. I like the way this feels today, with him. I start to experience the delicious buildup that is forming in my stomach. It’s like a little ball of light filling me up with warmth. It expands with every movement of my hips.

Victor’s grasp on me tightens as he starts to move under me, meeting my movements with his, thrust for thrust. Before long, our bodies are synchronized, moving together so perfectly, feeding the little ball of light as it moves throughout my body, illuminating me from the inside as it explodes into a million tiny pieces, making me throw my head back as I cry out in pleasure. A few more thrusts and Victor follows me, releasing his load and spilling it inside of me. As we come down from the high together, I fall forward. Victor catches me, encircling me into his arms, holding me there until my breathing regulates and my heart rate slows down. His words fill the otherwise silent room. “I’ll never get tired of having you. Never get tired of this thing between us.” It’s as much of a declaration as I’ve ever gotten. He doesn’t need to say anything else. It’s more than enough, because in this moment, I know the truth. I know that my heart no longer belongs to me, it’s his. In this moment, I come to realize that I’ve fallen in love with this man, and even though I can’t speak the words the moment is no less profound, no less beautiful.

Suddenly, the thought of him leaving today to go back home is unbearable. I’ve never been one to beg, never been one to ask for anything, I’m the girl that gives and expects nothing in return. With Victor, it’s the opposite. He’s the giving one, and I’ve taken it all, but what he gives to me is the glue that is slowly putting my heart back together. Today, though, I’ll be brave and ask for what I want. “How important is your thing today?”

“To my mom, everything is important. To me… it’s debatable. Why?”

“Well...”

“What?” he asks, pushing my hair out of my face and pulling it into a ponytail in his fists.

“I don’t want you to go,” I say softly.

His eyes light up and he smiles sweetly at me. He wasn’t expecting this from me. It’s like, by asking him for this, I’m giving him something in return. “You don’t?”

I shake my head. “Tomorrow’s Memorial Day. We always go to the beach in the morning and then have a barbecue at night. I was kinda hoping you’d stay.”

He lifts his head and kisses me quickly. “Well, I guess I’m staying then.”

“Yay!” I say, bringing my head down and snuggling in the crook of his neck.

“Maybe I should invite Alex? Let your family meet a sane member of my family.”

I lift my head up and gasp with excitement. “Yes! I love it. It’ll be so much fun.”

He chuckles. “Alright, I’ll give him a call in a bit. What do you wanna do today then?”

“This.”

“This?”

“Yup, I wanna spend all day in this bed with you!”

“That’s all the motivation I need,” he says, rolling us so that we’re both lying on our sides face to face. These are my favorite moments with Victor, when we’re wrapped up in each other, doing nothing, saying nothing. Just being together seems to be enough. So many people want the hearts and flowers, the expensive dinners and pricey gifts, but at the end of the day what do any of those things mean when you’re not comfortable with each other? I should know, because he’s the first man I’ve ever really been comfortable around. He’s the only man who I haven’t had to try so hard with. With him, I can be me and in that I find freedom.