Translation of Love

I can feel the warmth of the morning light shining through the window on my cheek. I was awoken by the feeling of light kisses on my forehead, nose, lips, neck. A quiet whimper escapes from my lips, alerting him to the fact that I am no longer asleep. I hear him chuckle as he touches his lips to mine again. “Hola, mi amor,” he whispers. I can’t help but to smile at that. “That’s my girl,” he whispers. “Show me those pretty eyes.” My eyes flutter open as I take the sight of him in. My breath hitches when I look him in the eyes, remembering his words from last night. His eyes turn to liquid, which in turn makes my whole body melt with desire. “Victor.” I move my hands to cup his face, wanting to make sure that he’s real. He grabs my hands and links his fingers through mine as he moves to pin them over my head. He brings his mouth down to my ear and whispers, “Are you mine?” I want to scream out yes, that I am his, more so than I have ever belonged to anyone. I want to tell him that he has penetrated my wall in such a way that I know that I will never be able to repair it. I want to say it but I can’t find my voice because if I don’t verbalize it, then I can still hold on to at least some of my defenses. Instead, I bite my lower lip, look him in the eye and nod my head.

He smiles down at me. “Show me you’re mine, Love.”

“How?” I ask so softly I’m not sure if he hears me.

He brings his head up so that his mouth is now inches away from mine. I swear that he looks right through me in a way that leaves me exposed and vulnerable. It doesn’t need to be verbalized but we both know that he has succeeded in stripping away yet another layer of my defenses. He kisses me gently on the lips, sending a shiver of excitement through me. “Give me what’s mine. Open your legs for me, Babe.” The last piece of self-control I have slips away and I do what I’m told because in that moment there is nothing that I want more than to be his in every way that matters. In whatever way he wants me. He lets out a low growl, releases my hands and grabs my legs to position them around his waist as he slowly slides inside of me, filling me completely and sending little electric currents all over my body. I bring my hands to his shoulders, gripping him as he starts to move slowly. Every thrust, every swirl of his hips is deliberate. He knows exactly what to do to bring me to the brink. I run my hands down his back, grabbing his ass and holding on for dear life.

“I love you,” he whispers in my ear, thrusting deeper and making me feel him everywhere.

“I love you too,” I respond, my breathing getting heavier with every passing moment. He trails a string of kisses down my lips, my neck, and finally my breasts. He takes a taut nipple into his mouth and sucks deep, eliciting a moan from my lips. He moves up, kissing me on the mouth again. His hands cup my face and tangle in my hair. I deepen the kiss and run my hands up and down his back. He quickens the pace and my moaning increases with each thrust. The familiar shockwaves take hold of me as an orgasm rips through me. I can feel Victor stiffen his upper body. “Oh F*ck, Baby,” he mutters as he comes inside of me.

“This is how I wanna wake up every morning,” Victor says, burying his head in my neck.

I giggle. “I wouldn’t mind that.”

He repositions us so that we’re on our sides, facing each other. “How did I get so lucky, huh?”

“I’m the lucky one. Sometimes I still can’t believe that I found you. I never thought it would happen for me, and then you came along and changed everything. I love you so much.”

“For a while there, I never thought I’d hear you say those words, but I’m so f*cking glad you did,” he says, kissing my forehead.

“Me too,” I say, feeling happier than ever.

He smiles at me. “You want breakfast?”

Breakfast sounds good, but I know that I’m too tired and exhausted to leave this room without at least having a shower. “Room service?”

“Sure. What do you want?”

“Pancakes and bacon.”

“Okay, I’ll call it in.”

“I’m gonna take a shower while you do that,” I say, giving him a final kiss on the lips. I see that somehow Rob delivered my bag last night because it’s sitting by the door. I open it up, grab my toiletries, toothbrush and makeup bag, then make my way into the bathroom.

The warm water raining down on my body feels amazing. Everything feels brand new to me, like I’m experiencing things with heightened senses. Making love to Victor last night and this morning was unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. It’s always been amazing between us but it was even better and I know it’s because I allowed the connection to really penetrate me in a way that I hadn’t before. I never would have believed that I would get here, to a place within myself where I would actually want to feel the kinds of emotions that I feel when I’m with Victor. This is love, and it’s so different from anything I’ve ever had before. I understand that now that I have this love, I have no choice but to accept it. It consumes me and I know that with the acceptance comes risk. I realize now that if this relationship doesn’t work out, the outcome will be catastrophic for my heart. There will be no way to protect myself from that kind of devastation. I’ll never be able to recover if I lose him. It’s a hard pill to swallow but there is no other option. Having Victor in my life outweighs whatever risk might be involved. I turn off the shower and grab a towel, pushing the scary thoughts out of my mind. “I can’t let my fears control me anymore,” I say to myself as I run a brush through my wet hair and pull on the fluffy hotel bathrobe.

I come out of the bathroom and see Victor staring out the windows wearing a pair of jeans and t-shirt. I walk over to him, put my arms around his waist, stand on my tiptoes and place my chin on his shoulder. “Breakfast is over there,” he says, motioning to the table with a jut of his chin. “How was your shower, Love?” I’ll never get enough of him calling me that.

“It was good. Exactly what I needed to start this day.” He turns around to face me, pulling me in closer and wrapping his arms around my waist. I tilt my head back so that I can look at him as he smiles down at me. “Mmmm, I’m pretty sure we already started this day, and if I recall it was pretty phenomenal.” I like the direction that this conversation is going.

“Really?” I tease, squinting my eyes. “I’m not sure I remember what you’re talking about?”

He pulls his hands around to the flimsy sash holding my bathrobe in place and grins. “You don’t remember, huh? Maybe I can refresh your memory.” He brings his lips down to my neck and kisses me there. Will I ever get enough of this man? We made love less than an hour ago and now I’m ready for round two. I lift up my arms and place them around his neck just as we hear a knock on the door.

Victor groans in frustration. “Hold that thought, Babe. Don’t move,” he says as he releases me and struts across the room to answer the door. His mother enters the room looking even more stony faced than usual. My body tenses up at the sight of her. Why does she hate me so much?

“Hola, Mama. What are you doing here so early?” he questions, irritation evident on his face.

“Good morning, Mrs. Garza,” I say as she glares my way. She looks back to Victor and speaks to him.

“I came to talk to you. It seems we have an urgent situation that I need to make you aware of Victor.”

I take this as my cue to get the hell out of there. “I’ll just leave you two alone. I’ll go dry my hair.”

“Actually, Elizabeth, this concerns you. You might want to stay.” I freeze, planted to my spot by the window. The look on her face is telling me that whatever she’s about to say isn’t going to be good. “Can I borrow your laptop?” she asks her son.

“Um, yeah Ma, sure.” He moves to the nightstand, picks up his laptop and puts it on the table in front of his mom. “What’s this all about?”

“It seems that your girlfriend isn’t quite as innocent as she likes for everyone to believe.” She’s speaking to Victor but her eyes are glaring at me. I come unstuck and walk over to stand by Victor’s side. He takes my hand and laces his fingers through mine.

“I’m sorry Mrs. Garza but I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“What I’m talking about is that as my son’s manager, I keep track of everything that is written and said about him. And since you are in his life, I now have to keep track of anything that might be written or said about you.”

“Ma! Seriously?! What could possibly have been said about Ellie that’s so terrible that you had to come to our room first thing in the morning?”

She looks like she’s enjoying making us squirm. She has an “I told you so” look on her face that’s directed at her son. I know that she’s warned him about me. She thinks I’m nothing more than a gold digger.

“It’s not what’s been said. A video has leaked that shows your girlfriend in a very compromising situation. His body goes tight and he turns to look at me.

“Ellie what is she talking about?” he asks softly.

I look up at him and shrug my shoulders. “Baby, I don’t know.” And it’s the truth, I have no idea what she’s taking about.

She laughs and it sounds almost like a cackle. “That’s funny. You don’t know what I’m talking about?” She turns back to the laptop, opens up an email message and a video pops up on screen. “Then what is this?”

I look at the video and instantly I can feel the bile rising up my throat, I have to fight to push it back down. My chest tightens and I can hear my heart pounding faster as the heat rushes to my cheeks. On the screen is what looks like an amateur video of Brian and I having sex. I can’t speak, I can’t move. I’m stunned and mortified and I have the urge to run away. I feel Victor’s hand drop mine and just like that, our connection is lost.

“I’ve got people working on making sure this doesn’t hit the internet. We need to stop it before it goes viral but I’m not sure if it will work. We are going to have to have a meeting and prepare a statement in case we can’t control the damage.” She turns to Victor. “This has gone on long enough. You need to be prepared to end this now and cut your losses before she destroys your career.”

He shuts the laptop and turns to his mother. “Ma, get out.”

“Excuse me? We need to handle this now, Victor.”

I can tell he’s losing his control. “I need to be alone with Ellie for a minute, Ma.”

“You don’t need to listen to anything she has to say. We have to handle this on our end so that we minimize the damage.”

“Ma, get out!” he shouts.

She jerks and takes a step back, looking as though she’s been slapped in the face. She stares at him for a minute. “Call me when you’re done,” she says as she turns and walks away.

The sound of the door slamming makes me jump. I feel dizzy, like I might pass out at any moment. Not only did I never agree to making a video like that, but now it may be out on the internet for the world to see and worst of all, Victor has seen it. His head is bowed down toward the ground, hands at his hips. I know he can’t even look at me. “You made a sex tape?” he says, barely audible.

“No! Victor, no.” I can barely speak with the lump in my throat. I feel the tears pooling in my eyes start to spill over, my lips trembling. “I didn’t know.”

He looks up at me and I can see he’s struggling to get control of his anger. His fists are clenched so tight that the veins on his hands are protruding. “What do you mean you didn’t know? How could you not know that someone was recording you?”

I feel like I’m outside of my body looking in. “I don’t know! I would never let him do that. He wanted to. He always tried to convince me to but I said no every time, I swear.”

“Ellie! What the f*ck?” he yells, causing me to flinch. “You mean to tell me that you had no idea that he recorded you? You had no idea that this video existed and that it could get in the wrong hands?”

I was shaking now. “No. I had no idea,” I muttered.

He stares at me for what seems like forever. I can see the battle waging inside of him. Finally he speaks. “I can’t f*cking believe this.” He runs his hands through his hair. “I need some fresh air. I’ll be back in a half hour.” He grabs the hotel key card, puts it in his back pocket and walks out of the room without a second glance, leaving me there alone.

I stand frozen in the same spot for a while trying to get my tears under control. After what feels like an eternity, I dry my eyes and walk back to the windows looking out at the amazing view of the beach.

I couldn’t stand to see the look on his face. I didn’t know if it was anger or disgust or maybe a little bit of both. In all of the time we had spent together, Victor had made certain that I always felt beautiful and cherished, adored even and in one moment those feelings disintegrated. I could feel it when he let go of my hand and the air went thick. I worked so hard to rebuild the pieces of my life that had been destroyed two years ago but it turns out that it was all in vain. I was right back there, humiliated, alone and broken hearted. It isn’t Victor’s fault. I can’t blame him for his reaction. I don’t know how I would feel if I ever saw him in the throes of passion with an ex lover. I’m sure it couldn’t have been a great feeling. And oh God, the look on his mother’s face when she told him, so smug and satisfied. I knew she considered me to be nothing more than a gold digger who would never be good enough for her son, and while I never cared about his money she was right in thinking that I wasn’t good enough. That video proved it irrefutably and now he knew it too.

I suddenly feel the need to flee, to just pack my bags and go home where I can lock myself in my house and hide away from the world. What other choice do I have? He couldn’t possibly want me now. He would be crazy to be seen hand in hand with what amounted to an amateur porn star. Leaving is my only option. I will not put him through the embarrassment of being with me or having to explain himself to the media or his fans who already hate the idea of me with him. I’m sure he no longer wants me there. I have to leave before he can break up with me. It will be easier for me to handle if I don’t hear him say the words. I can just go home and pretend that he’s on tour and that he’ll be back someday.

I move away from the window, go to the closet and grab my suitcase. I fling it open onto the bed and start throwing my things in as fast as I can. There is no time for folding, I know he’ll be back soon and I have to get out of here before that. I can’t stand another confrontation like the one we just had. I go to the bathroom and gather my toothbrush, makeup bag and toiletries. I walk back into the bedroom just as Victor is letting himself back into our room. He freezes at the sight of me and looks at me with a blank expression. His gaze moves to the suitcase filled with my things on the bed then back to me. I look away and walk to my suitcase tossing the rest of my things in.

“What are you doing?” he asks, his voice so cold that it sends a shiver through me. I take a deep breath and begin to close my suitcase. The less I say the better. “Leaving.”

I hear him move across the room, closing in on the space between us. I can tell by the sound of his hurried breath that he is now standing directly behind me.

“Turn around and look at me,” he commands.

I hesitate not wanting to see the disgust in his face anymore. It’s too much for me to handle and I know I have to keep it together until I can get out of here.

“Ellie. Turn. Around,” he demands. I know I have no choice. I take a deep breath and do as I’m told but I avoid looking at his face.

“Victor.”

“Why?”

I look down, wishing the ground would open up and swallow me whole. “Why what?”

“Look at me!” I swallow and quickly look him in the eyes. His beautiful warm eyes have turned cold and I fight back the tears that are threatening. “Why?”

I can’t answer him. I just can’t put myself out there again. I’ve let my guard down and now he’s hurt me too. Not by his own doing but even so, my heart is shattering. I shrug my shoulders and shake my head hoping he’ll accept these gestures as a valid response. I’m afraid that if I open my mouth to speak, I won’t be able to control the tears.

He clenches his fists and takes two steps forward until he’s in my space. I retreat quickly until the back of my legs hit the edge of the bed. As quickly as I back away, he moves forward until I’m left with nowhere to go. I know that I’m cornered and he’s not liking my silence. “Just let me go,” I say.

He gets even closer, making my body go tense. He moves his mouth down to my ear. I can feel his breath there. “You’re not going anywhere.”

I can feel the heat rising through me, I’ve had enough. I put my hands on his chest and push as hard as I can trying to get him out of my way, he does not budge.

“You can’t keep me here!” I yell.

He pulls his head up, looks me in the eyes and grins. “You wanna bet on that?” He takes a step back, walks around me to my suitcase, picks it up and flings it across the room as if it were a Frisbee. I gasp as it hits the wall, clothes thrown everywhere, instinctively I turn to run. I decide my only option is to lock myself in the bathroom until I figure out my next move. I don’t get very far before his arms are around my waist, pulling me to him, my back to his chest.

“Let go of me!” I yell struggling to get free. His grip on me tightens and I know that no matter how hard I fight him, I’m not going anywhere. He’s too strong.

“Jesus, Baby! Calm down.”

I stop struggling as the tears come back. “Just let me save you the trouble of breaking up with me and let me go. Why prolong the inevitable?” I say through my tears.

His body goes stiff behind me and he holds me there, pinned to him for a moment. He takes a deep breath, loosens his grip and turns me around so that we are now facing each other. His expression has changed, no longer hard and angry. It’s something else but I can’t put my finger on what. “Why would you think I’m gonna break up with you?” I try to look down but he grabs my chin between his thumb and forefinger and tilts my head up, forcing me to look at him.

“Why wouldn’t you?” I whisper. “Why would you want me now after what you just saw?”

He brings his other hand up so that he’s now cupping my face. He wipes away my tears with his thumbs. “I was angry. F*ck, Baby, I’m still angry but not at you. I’m angry at the whole situation and at that son of a bitch who took advantage of you.” He brings his forehead down and touches it to mine. “I’ll always want you, that’s not gonna change. I can be hot headed and I lose my temper sometimes. I’ll say things that I don’t mean and I’ll throw your suitcase across a room but it doesn’t change how much I love you!”

I’m sobbing uncontrollably now. “You left, you left me here and I just thought…”

“I just needed to clear my head. I saw the direction that the conversation was headed and I didn’t like it. I didn’t wanna blame you for something that I knew you had no control over because I was angry. I thought it was best to take a walk and get myself together. I’m so sorry if you thought that I was leaving you.”

“Did you see that video? It’s horrible and now everyone is gonna see it. They all hate me already. Why would you want to deal with any of that?”

“Who hates you?”

“Umm, your mother for one. She doesn’t just hate me, she detests me. I’m not good enough for you in her eyes. She’s made it very clear that I’m not her choice.”

“Well, it’s a good thing that she doesn’t get a choice. Ellie, I love my mom, I respect her, she’s great at managing my career, but she doesn’t run my life. She does NOT get to choose who I love.”

“I don’t wanna be the girl who causes problems between you and your family, Victor.”

“I’ll handle it. Who else?”

I shake my head. “What?”

“You said they all. Who else doesn’t like you?”

“Umm, your fans. I’ve seen the blogs, I read what they write about me. Not that they ever wanna see you settle down with anyone because it kills their dreams of being the future Mrs. Garza but they especially hate the fact that I’m not Latina.”

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I agree! But it’s what they’re saying. I’m single handedly destroying what’s left of your career. I’m like the worst thing that ever happened to you!”

He chuckles. “Baby, I don’t give a f*ck what anyone thinks. I love my fans but if they can’t accept you then f*ck em. I love my mom but if she can’t accept you then f*ck her. I’m prepared to deal with whatever comes our way. I’ve had a great career but I will not allow it to control everything anymore.”

A fresh batch of tears start to form. “I hate this. I’m so embarrassed, Babe.”

“I know you are, Love. It’s gonna be okay. I guarantee you that as we speak, my mother is moving heaven and earth to make sure those videos never see the light of day.”

“Why would she do that? She hates me!”

He smiles at me, a genuine heart stopping smile. “Maybe so, but she’d rather fix this problem than have it become a scandal.”

“Are you gonna go up to her room now?”

“Ummm, I don’t think I can.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re still wearing this robe, and I know what’s underneath it. I don’t think I can leave this room until we get you out of this.” So, he gets me out of my robe and proceeds to make me forget the events of the morning, making love to me again and making me feel loved and protected. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, Victor manages to calm me down and make everything okay again. He shows me that no matter what happens, his love for me is unwavering and unconditional.



Victor holds me in his arms for a long time after we make love. I was just beginning to doze off when he starts speaking. “I can’t get something out of my head,” he says, softly.

“What?”

“You tried to run away from me.”

“Hmm?” I ask, blinking up at him.

“Before, when I was angry and I threw the suitcase, you tried to run away.”

F*ck, why is he bringing this up now? “Umm, I…”

“You were afraid of me.”

“No.” It isn’t a complete lie. Deep down, I know Victor would never hurt me but my retreat was more out of habit than fear.

“Did he hit you, Ellie?” I bury my face in his neck, not wanting to answer the question. “Answer me, Love.”

“Do I have to?” I whisper.

“Yes,” he responds, stroking my hair.

“I never want you to look at me the way you looked at me this morning again.”

He stops stroking. “How did I look at you?”

“I don’t know, angry I guess. Disgusted maybe?”

He tilts his head down so that his lips are at my ear. “What? Angry, yes. I was angry but disgusted, no. You could never disgust me,” he says, placing a kiss on my cheek. “Are you hearing me? I need you to understand this. The picture is becoming clearer now of what he did to you, why you were so gun shy in the beginning. I get it but when you love someone, Babe, you love everything.” I feel the tears burning the back of my eyes. “Nothing that you say to me, nothing that he did to you will ever make me love you any less. I want all of you, the beauty, the silliness, the kindness and I’ll even take the sadness, and the pain. I’ll take it all because it’s a part of you.” He tightens his grip and kisses my forehead. “Do you understand me?”

I nod my head to let him know that I understand, my eyes get blurry with unshed tears. “He hit me towards the end, several times. The last time was the worst after I found out about the other girl. He was angry because when she found out about me, she ended things with him. He came back that night and I could see the rage in his eyes. I knew it was coming and it was bad. Black eye, busted lip, a few bruised ribs.”

“F*ck.” I can sense that he is desperately trying to rein in his emotions. “I wanna kill that son of bitch!”

“Trust me, he’s not worth it.”

“Baby, look at me.” I hesitate but I do as he asks. “I need you to know that I would never hurt you like that. I never want you to be afraid to say what you want to say or act how you want to act. I may not always agree or like it, but I would never physically hurt you, okay?”

“I know that.” And I do know it. In my heart, I truly believe that I am safe with Victor. I know that he would never hurt me that way. I know this because he has shown me every day that I am free to be myself around him and, furthermore, he likes who I am.

“I still have to go up to my mom’s room. Will you be alright if I leave you here for a bit? You can take a nap and then when I get back, we can do whatever you want, okay?”

“A nap sounds good right now. I’ll be fine here.”

“Good. I promise you that everything is gonna be okay, Babe.”

“I believe you,” I reply, and I do. Looking into his eyes, I’d believe anything that he tells me. He leaves to go meet up with his mother. I close my eyes and let myself fall asleep, happy that Victor and I are alright. I sleep and relax for the remainder of the day, only really getting up to eat dinner. The events of the morning exhausted us both. Victor assured me that the video was taken care of and will never see the light of day. After that debacle, we were both able to just relax and enjoy the rest of our evening.