Tempted by the Soldier

Chapter Sixteen


Empty.

Nate sank down onto a white rocking chair on the front porch of the bed-and-breakfast and tipped a bottle of Jack up, opening his throat to let the bitter liquid slide down. He lowered the bottle to his chest and coughed. That shit burned.

He was going to regret this tomorrow. But not right now. Right now, he was going to put a f*cking lid on all the shit that had been building up inside his head for the past two days.

The chair beside him creaked, and he looked over to find Jace watching him. His brother’s blue dress shirt was untucked and the sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, showing off his ink. Nate was guessing Hayden had gotten him into a tie at one point in the evening, but most likely Jace had ditched it after the first half hour of feeling like he was being choked.

His brother held up a bottle of water and nodded to the Jack. “Want to trade?”

Nate handed him the bottle and Jace took it and set it down on the porch beside him, out of Nate’s reach.

Nate grabbed the water and scowled at it. “Sorry I missed the rehearsal,” he said. “I just… F*ck. I’m sorry.”

Damn it. He pinched the bridge of his nose and his head throbbed. Was he ever going to stop f*cking things up?

“What are you doing out here getting piss-drunk on these people’s front porch?” Jace asked, his brows raised in amusement. “You realize there’s a party going on right over there?” He motioned to the decked-out barn where music hummed from the open doors and people milled around outside laughing.

“F*ck you,” Nate said. “What are you doing out here? Shouldn’t you be in there with your bride?”

“She’s been hijacked. She dragged Lilly off a little while ago. Thought I’d come see who was holding you hostage.”

“You know I don’t like crowds.”

“I know.” Jace leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees, and glanced over at the bottle he’d just taken from Nate. “I’m guessing it was a rough trip? You look like you haven’t slept in days.”

Nate shook his head. “You have no idea.”

Rough trip? More like a complete mind f*ck. Nate leaned back in the rocking chair, accepting the dizzy, numbing sensation flowing through his veins. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the gold chain and locket that had been their mother’s, and handed it to Jace.

His brother studied the piece of jewelry with a wistful smile. “Thank you for this. I know it wasn’t easy for you to go back. I probably shouldn’t have asked.”

“It was time.” Nate shrugged. “Besides, I didn’t have to do it alone.”

Jace nodded. “Speaking of…are you going to tell me what’s going on with her?”

How was he supposed to explain it, when he didn’t even know what the hell to think? The past two days had felt like a damn tornado, spinning him around, twisting him, until he didn’t know if he was coming or going. Everything he’d thought he’d needed and wanted had been turned upside down. He scrubbed his fingers through his hair and shuddered as the memory of Lilly’s nails against his scalp pulled him back under. F*ck. He couldn’t imagine never taking her again. Never making her laugh. Never pissing her off, or making her smile. Being with her the past two days had been the single most satisfying experience he’d ever had.

And now what? He was supposed to just walk away?

“I f*cked up,” he choked out.

“Elaborate.”

Damn it to hell. He’d wanted to wait until after the wedding to do this. He didn’t want a cloud hanging over his brother’s wedding day. But it had to be now. He couldn’t risk him finding out from someone else. Nate owed him more than that. He owed him everything.

He sucked in a deep breath and sighed. “I’m leaving.”

Jace stopped rocking and gave him his full attention. “Excuse me?”

“I’ve been recommissioned. Paperwork came through last week. I’m shipping out in two weeks.”

“Shit…” Jace shook his head, staring at him in consternation. “Where?”

“I don’t know.”

“All right. Then, why?”

Nate didn’t even know anymore. When he’d signed the papers, he’d truly thought there was nothing left for him in civilian life. All he could think about was getting his ass back in combat where he belonged. Saving lives. Making up for the ones he’d lost.

He still wanted that. Needed it. But the idea of leaving Lilly behind made him feel like he was collapsing on the inside. Would she forgive him? Would she wait for him? He didn’t deserve it, that much he was sure of. He had so much shit to make up for with her, he didn’t know where to start.

“You know why,” he finally said.

“No. I don’t. How could I, when you don’t tell me anything anymore?” Jace sounded pissed. Nate didn’t blame him. “All I know is you still carry around a misplaced case of survivor’s guilt. I know you think you should have died out there with those other men. That you don’t deserve the breath in your lungs. And I know that if you do this, you’re going to come back in a f*cking box, just like Dad.” There was genuine torment in his brother’s eyes.


Nate grabbed the dog tags around his neck to feel the cold metal bite into his palm. He gritted his teeth. “You don’t understand…I have to do this.”

“You’re damn right, I don’t understand. Why would you risk your life again like this?”

“Because I’m f*cking dying inside! I can’t keep slinging drinks at the bar and pretending that I’m fine. I can’t bury the guilt anymore. And I can’t keep pissing away this second chance at a life that I got and seven other men didn’t.”

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stop the porch from spinning around him. F*ck, that Jack was hitting him hard. But even the liquor flowing through him didn’t help with the pain. It was too sharp. Etched into his heart. He didn’t even remember what it felt like to live without that pain anymore.

“Damn it, Nate. Why didn’t you talk to me? Let me help.”

“Because you can’t fix this,” he said. “I know it’s in the past, and I know I can’t change what happened. But I have a chance to get it right this time. If I don’t do this… F*ck, man. I want to get better. I’m trying to get better. I don’t want this shit to own me for the rest of my life. I can’t live like that. If I go back…maybe it will be what I need to heal.”

Jace pushed up from the rocking chair and paced across the deck, bracing his hands on the rail. “How do you know doing this won’t just make it worse?”

“I don’t,” Nate said.

Jace stared silently into the night, watching people walk in and out of the party. Nate didn’t say anything, either. What was there to say? He’d made his decision.

Had it been the right one? He didn’t know anymore. He hadn’t made a right decision in so long, he wouldn’t know one if it bit him in the ass.

“You’re going to be an uncle,” Jace finally said.

Nate’s gaze snapped up and shock nearly stole his voice. “What?”

Jace turned around and gave him a strained smile. “Hayden’s pregnant. Three months along. We weren’t planning it…but then again, I guess we weren’t really trying that hard to prevent it.”

Nate felt a rush of joy through his heart. He stood and grabbed his brother by the shoulders, reeling him in for a hug. “I don’t know if I should be hugging you or punching you in the face for knocking up the girl who’s been like a little sister to me for most of my life.”

Jace laughed, finally relaxing. “Let’s go with the first one.”

“Congratulations, man. You’re going to make a great dad.”

Jace looked uncertain. “You think?”

“I know.”

“I’m going to need you around, brother,” he said. “You’re my family, Nate. You and Hayden and this baby. That’s it. Don’t you dare put me through another death. Don’t rob my kid of an uncle, when he’s already been robbed of two grandparents.”

Raw emotions clawed at Nate’s throat, and his eyes burned. Jace was right. He didn’t deserve to bury a brother. And that was exactly what was going to happen if Nate didn’t get his shit together. He could deny it until he was blue in the face, but it was true.

“I won’t,” he said. And this time, he meant it. He had too much to live for.

Jace nodded, and some of the tension rolled away from his shoulders. His gaze moved to two women walking across the grass toward the party. Lilly and Hayden.

The corner of Jace’s lips lifted in a crooked smile. “Looks like our girls are done with their impromptu bachelorette party.”

“You should get back to your beautiful bride,” Nate said, and grabbed onto the porch railing for balance, fighting the urge to go inside and climb the stairs right up to Lilly’s bed to wait for her. If he were honest, that was the only place he wanted to be right now. The thought of curling up in cold, strange sheets, alone, after this hellish day, made his stomach churn. He’d spent the entire day pushing her way, trying to put some distance between them before he crushed them both. He’d seen the confusion and hurt in her eyes when he’d walked away from her tonight. Was he actually going to be able to walk away from her forever?

“What about Lilly?”

“What about her?”

Jace laughed. “Don’t bullshit me. You care about her.”

Yeah. He did.

Nate more than cared. He f*cking loved her.

He stumbled back as the realization rolled over him like a ton of bricks.

He loved her.

And he couldn’t imagine a life going forward that didn’t include Lilly Grayson in it.

Nate knew he wasn’t perfect, but he wanted to be a better man for her. The kind of man she deserved. For the first time in his life, he actually felt like that was possible.

He was still leaving. There was no going back on that, but if he explained, maybe she’d wait for him. Be there when he came home, ready to give them a real shot.

He shook his head, trying to dislodge the hope he was feeling from taking root. It was no use. Why would she want to? Not after the way he’d treated her.

“It doesn’t matter if I do care about her,” he said. “I’m no good for her.”

“You know… Nobody is asking you to forget your past, bro.” Jace grasped Nate’s shoulder and gently squeezed. “We’re just asking you to give yourself a chance for a happy future. To let yourself heal instead of drowning in guilt. Whether you want to believe it or not, you deserve happiness. You deserve Lilly.”