Tempted by the Soldier

Chapter Fourteen


Tell her.

Nate pushed away the thought and watched Lilly lie back across the picnic table at the scenic overlook where they’d decided to stop and stretch their legs. Her blond hair spilled over the edge of the table. Late-morning sunlight kissed her skin. She was so f*cking beautiful it hurt to look at her.

And he was a total bastard for standing there enjoying the view when he still hadn’t had the balls to tell her the truth. That he was leaving.

How the hell was he supposed to tell her when happiness and hope shone from her eyes every time she looked at him? How was he supposed to tell her he was going to abandon her just as her shitty parents had done?


He shook his head once and blinked away the exhaustion threatening to take over. He wouldn’t be able to keep this up much longer. The past two nights were catching up with him. He needed sleep. Last night he’d lain in the darkness for what seemed like an hour waiting for Lilly to drift off. When he’d finally heard her deep, even breathing, he’d slipped out from under her arm and made his way across the room to drop into a chair, then sat awake until the sun lit the window. As tired as he’d been, he couldn’t allow her to see him like that again, caught in the throes of his terrible nightmares. Couldn’t take the risk that he might somehow lose control and hurt her.

She’d seen him at his worst, and still…

She wanted him. Had cried for him. Had done everything she could to help heal him.

And he didn’t deserve any of it.

He scrubbed his hand over his face and fought the urge to throw something just to see it break…the way he was breaking inside.

What was this woman doing to him?

He felt…overwhelmed. The thought of leaving her, of saying good-bye… God, he felt like he was spinning out of control. It was too f*cking much.

He wanted her so damn much. No, he more than wanted her…he cared about her. Really, soul-deep cared. And for a moment last night, he’d actually let himself believe they could work. It was so easy to see how she could fit into his life, how she actually wanted to be there. Even knowing how f*cked up he was, she loved him anyway. She hadn’t said it, but he could see it in her eyes. Feel it in the way she touched him.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. She was supposed to hate him. She was supposed to see who he really was, and run like hell in the other direction. Not this.

For a moment he let himself imagine what it could be like with her if they made a relationship work. The letters she might send him when he was away overseas. Her smart mouth taunting him from thousands of miles away, making him laugh. Pictures tucked between the pages, making him want. How complete and perfect those homecomings would be. Having her in his bed, his home, in his heart. He’d never had that. Never had someone he felt so desperate for. But, f*ck…he wanted it. He wanted it all.

He wasn’t supposed to want it. He was supposed to want escape.

He slashed a hand through his hair. Who the hell was he trying to fool? He couldn’t even sleep in the same room with her without worrying he’d hurt her. Not when every dream was plagued with the horrific images of the seven men he’d left behind. He’d never be able to give her what she needed. What she deserved. And what if he didn’t make it back this time? What if that homecoming ended with him in a pine box? What would that do to her? He couldn’t take that chance. Not with Lilly.

Once again, he’d selfishly chosen to live out a fantasy…and now she was going to get hurt all over again.

He thought about the look in her eyes last night, so much understanding and compassion. How would she look at him after she found out he was leaving? He knew how she would look. She’d look betrayed, that’s how.

“I think I’m in love with Pennsylvania,” she said, holding her camera up to her eye and snapping a picture of the puffs of white clouds meandering across the sky.

Nate took a moment to mask his emotions and walked over to brace his hands on the table on either side of her head, blocking her view. “You’ve barely seen it. After spending the last two days in the pouring rain, I think you’re more infatuated with the sun.”

She clicked a picture of his face and grinned. “Maybe I’m just infatuated with you.”

The smiled dropped off his face and he stepped back out of her line of sight, dread settling in his gut.

Now. Now was the time to say it.

“Hey…what’s wrong?” Lilly was suddenly in front of him, concern shining from her eyes, camera slung around her neck.

“I…”

She frowned. “Did you get any sleep at all after I went back to bed last night?”

“Yeah,” he lied. “I’m fine. We should probably get back on the road. Hayden will kick my ass if we miss the rehearsal dinner tonight.”

She didn’t look like she believed him, but she didn’t push any more, either. She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and headed back to the truck.

Get to the wedding. That’s all he needed to focus on right now. He’d tell her tomorrow night after the reception. Somehow, he’d find a way to say good-bye.