Tempted by the Soldier

Chapter Eleven


“Well, another pair of shoes bite the dust,” Lilly muttered wryly as they approached the house that held so many memories for Nate it was busting at the seams. She pulled off one of her high heels and shook the mud off. “Remind me to bring walking shoes the next time I take a road trip with you.”

He forced a laugh, and didn’t dwell on how good it felt to hear her talk about a next time. That was a can of worms he did not need to open. He wasn’t going to be around for a next time. And he didn’t have room for any new raw emotions right now. In that moment, standing at the steps to his childhood home, he felt too full of them already. Emotions bubbled inside him fighting for space.

He stared up at the white two-story colonial where he and Jace had grown up.

“So, where are we?” Lilly asked.

“I used to live here,” he said. “When I was kid. Haven’t been back in a long time.”

She nodded. “Ten years. I remember.”

He found himself surprised by how good the place looked. He knew no one was living there. But other than a few downed tree limbs from the storm, the place looked pristine. The roses his mother had once so lovingly tended were in full bloom, and the shutters and lattices were freshly painted. The yard was mowed. The windows clean. He’d expected a hollow, empty shell, but this place…looked lived in. When Jace had said he didn’t want to sell the place, he hadn’t expected him to go to these extremes to keep it preserved. He’d obviously hired a groundskeeper. It was a smart move, and guilt crashed over him that Jace hadn’t felt comfortable enough to tell him about it. That Nate hadn’t been man enough to step up and help.

“It’s beautiful,” Lilly murmured, drawing his attention to the woman beside him. Her hair was pulled up in a loose ponytail, and she was wearing a simple navy dress that showed off her sun-kissed skin. A pair of designer heels covered in mud dangled from her fingers, but she didn’t seem to care. In fact, the entire walk here had been muddy and miserable, but she hadn’t complained once. Instead, she’d held his hand. And cracked jokes to take the edge off a situation she must realize was fraught with chaotic feelings for him.

Looking at her, he could almost forget where he was and what he was about to face. Almost. But he had to stop running sometime, and it may as well be today. Jace might have pushed him into doing this errand, but now that Nate was here, no way he could turn away.

“I have to go inside and get something. Wait out here. Okay?”

Knowing she’d likely argue, he didn’t wait for her to answer. Instead, he made his way up the porch steps and pulled the key he’d never used before from his pocket. He only hesitated long enough to take a deep breath, then stepped inside the house that smelled faintly of Pine-Sol and cedar.

One by one, the memories pulled him under. His mother playing the piano on Saturday afternoons in the family room. His father’s boots sitting next to the staircase. He stopped in front of the staircase and an ache bloomed in his chest. They were still there—the boots. He sank down onto the bottom step and ran a trembling hand over his face, fighting for control. He rested his elbows on his knees and hung his head between them, taking deep breaths.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered to the people who were no longer alive to hear it. “I should have stayed.”

He should have stayed and cared for his mother. For Jace. That one crap decision had created a domino effect that had decimated his world. If he’d never enlisted, would those men still be alive? Would Jace have had an easier life?

Nate shook his head, not wanting the answers. Here he was, doing exactly what Jace had always pushed for—facing his damn demons—and all he felt was an avalanche of guilt. Thinking about this shit was not doing him any good. There was no closure to be found here. He wasn’t sure if it even existed for someone like him. He’d come to accept the fact that there would always be gaping wounds filled with regret inside him. He couldn’t change the past.

But…maybe he could change the way he lived his life going forward.

He touched the laces on his father’s boots and stood. He’d half expected Lilly to be there watching him. But for once she’d actually done as he’d asked. He didn’t know if he felt relieved or disappointed. He didn’t want her to see him like this…but Jace was right. Nate had to let someone in. He wanted to let someone in. Wanted someone to see the real him and not just the hard, unfeeling fa?ade.


He could tell himself that what he had with Lilly was nothing more than sex…but he knew that would be a damn lie. He knew, because he didn’t want to be in this house alone. He wanted to share it with her—the bad and the good. She’d lost her mother, too. Gone through something no young girl should ever have to go through. If anyone would understand him, it would be Lilly.

He looked at the front door, and something deep inside clicked into place. He may not be ready yet, but being with her the night before, feeling her heart beat against his ribs as she slept…he desperately wanted to be ready. To be there with her. Fully.

He took a deep breath and stepped out on the front porch to find her sitting on the bottom step. He sank down beside her, the old wooden board creaking under his weight, reminding him of all the times he’d sat in this very spot with his father.

“Did you get what you needed?” she asked.

Funny. He’d totally forgotten about the necklace.

“Not yet.” He tipped his head to look at her, the sun glinting off the gold strands framing her face. One tendril, shorter than the rest, tickled her temple. “You actually listened to me for once.”

She nibbled her lip. “I figured you needed a minute. I get it.”

Nate swallowed down a lump of apprehension. This was new for him, letting someone this close, wanting someone this close. And not just anyone. Lilly. Only her.

Which terrified him to the core.

He also knew he shouldn’t let her in. Shouldn’t give her hope. Or himself. He was leaving for a tour that went way past the realm of dangerous. Doing a job that would only allow him to come home for a year at a time at best. What kind of relationship could they have like that?

Maybe a normal couple might have a chance. But he was still a big pile of f*ck-up, and after the way he’d treated her this past year it would be a damn miracle if she ever fully trusted him again. He felt like an utter fool for the hope unraveling inside him.

Instead of ending it, as he knew damn good and well he should, he heard himself say, “Will you come inside with me?”

Her eyes softened, and she nodded. “Of course I will.”

He stood and pulled her up with him, almost dragging her up the stairs, and paused at the front door.

Slipping his fingers through hers, he pulled her through the front door. Inside, he flicked a light switch, but nothing happened. Damn. “Power must be out.” He left the door ajar to light their way to the master bedroom.

She tugged him to a stop in the foyer to look at a few framed photos hanging on the wall. She smiled and wiped away the dust from one.

“Is this you and your brother?”

He squinted at the old photo of him and Jace when they were kids. Jace was missing his two front teeth and Nate was all gangly limbs and floppy hair. He smiled, remembering the day his mother had taken it. “Yeah. That’s us.”

He followed her gaze to a family picture and his chest squeezed. It was the last one they’d had taken, before his father died in combat. It had been so long since he’d really looked at it. He plucked the frame off the wall and looked down at his mother’s smiling face. She looked so healthy. So alive. The four of them standing together, like one strong unit, bound together by love. They looked unbreakable. What the f*ck had happened? How had it all been taken away so quickly?

“Jace said she stayed here at home until the end,” he said, not recognizing his own voice. “She didn’t want him spending so much time in a hospital. She wanted him to still feel like a kid. He was only seventeen when she died.”

Lilly touched Nate’s arm, and he flinched at the contact. She started to pull away, but he grabbed her hand and held it in place. He might not know exactly what to do with that comfort, but he felt instinctively he needed it.

“Sometimes, I wonder if she could have lasted longer, even beat the cancer, if I’d been here to help. Maybe then she would have stayed in the hospital and gotten the treatment she needed.”

“No.” Lilly touched his chin and forced his gaze to meet hers. “You have to stop thinking like that. Those kind of thoughts…they’ll eat you alive.”

“Can’t help it,” he murmured.

Her eyes glistened and she wiped them with the back of her wrist and looked away. “If you had any idea how many times I thought like that as a kid—what if I’d walked a little faster coming home? What if I’d have taken the time to see she was sad and broken and irreparable, and gotten her some help instead of being pissed at her all of the time?”

Nate wiped a tear from her cheek and his heart thumped painfully in his chest. “Sweetheart, don’t.”

She shook her head and her teary gaze clashed with his. “It took me a long time, but I realized there was nothing I could have done,” she said. “My mother went so long thinking the only way she could be happy was with my father. But he never had any intention of being with her, or loving her, or giving her the life she deserved. When she realized that…no one was going to stop her from doing what she did. Just as no one, especially an eighteen-year-old kid, could have stopped that cancer from taking your mother. Don’t tarnish your memories of her with regret, Nate. She deserves better than that. You deserve better than that.”

Had he really hurt this amazing, wonderful woman? How could he have done that to her? And how could he hurt her even more by leaving her again in a few days, abandoning her, just as both of her shitty parents had done?

F*ck. He was in too deep with her. Way too deep.

Normally, this was the part where he’d run like hell…but…he just couldn’t do it.

He leaned in and kissed her softly. He knew this shit wasn’t easy to talk about, and he was guessing she didn’t do it often. Her honesty gave him courage.

“Thank you,” he said.

She nodded, and he led her up the stairs, his heart beating against his ribs as he climbed each step. He stopped outside his mother’s room and braced his hand on the doorframe. She’d died in this room. F*ck. He was shaking like a damn coward.

Lilly touched his arm and he turned. “I need to get something from this room, for Jace,” he said. “I don’t want— Can you…?”

“I’ll wait here.”

He nodded and breezed through the door, half expecting it to still smell like his mother. The fact that time had robbed him of her special scent split his chest with disappointment. He quickly located the jewelry box on the dresser, right where Jace had said it would be. The pretty wooden box had blue doves carved on the lid. It had been a Christmas present from his father, handmade somewhere on the other side of the world.

Nate grabbed the necklace from inside and strode from the room. He couldn’t linger here with the walls closing in on him. Not yet. Maybe he could work up to it later.

Lilly straightened away from the banister where she’d been leaning and approached him slowly. “You okay?”

He nodded and showed her the necklace. “Jace is going to give it to Hayden as a wedding gift.”

Her lips parted and her fingers caressed the gold chain and the small locket, and she smiled fondly. “She’s going to love it. Your brother is a smart guy.”

Nate chuckled and rolled his eyes, carefully slipping the necklace into his pocket. “Please don’t tell him that. I’ll never hear the end of it.”


“Oh, you have some good qualities, too, Mr. Jennings.” She smoothed her hands over his chest, and to his surprise, desire sparked under her touch, drowning out the rest of his chaotic emotions. Giving him a much-needed reprieve from the pain.

“Oh yeah?” He raised a brow, took her delicate hand in his, and held it against his heart. “Like what?”

She blinked up at him and the air between them suddenly felt charged. Heated. That bone-deep connection between them flared to life, making him crave the feel of her skin against his.

Her heartbeat sped against his. “You’re a good man, Nate Jennings. You’re a royal pain in the ass, but you’re still a good man.”

His chest squeezed tight. He wanted so badly to believe her. “I don’t see it.”

She touched his face, traced his lips. “I do.”

His heart twisted painfully. God, he needed her. More than the air in his lungs. More than he needed to get to this damn wedding. He needed her.

Now.

“I want to show you something,” he murmured.

“What?”

He leaned in close and whispered, “My room.”

He took her by the hand and led her down the hall, and held open the door for her. She walked in and stopped next to his bed, glancing around with a nervous laugh.

“What?” He shut the door behind him and leaned against it.

“It’s just…very mature. Not what I expected.” She touched a model plane on his dresser and spun the little propeller.

“And what did you expect?” he asked, coming up behind her and sliding his hands around her hips. He rested his chin on her shoulder.

“I don’t know… Posters of Heidi Klum taped to your ceiling?” She inspected a picture of him and his father fishing at the lake. He took the photo and placed it facedown on the dresser. No ghosts. Not in here, and especially not right now. Right now, all he wanted was to lose himself in her and forget everything else. Make her understand how sorry he was for hurting her.

“Jennifer Love Hewitt,” he corrected. “And my mom must have taken it down after I left.”

Lilly turned in his arms and looked up at him, amused. “So…you had a thing for brunettes, huh?”

He reached behind her and wrapped his fingers around her ponytail, giving it a tug to tilt her head back. Oh, he was going to enjoy her hair like this.

She gasped as he leaned down to drag his lips up her throat. “I was young and foolish. Now I have a thing for smart-mouthed blondes with a penchant for pissing me off.”

He felt her body tremble. “You do?” she whispered.

“I do.”

He lowered his lips to meet hers in a slow, languid kiss that left him wanting so f*cking much more.

He took his time, tasting and savoring every whimper and moan that escaped her mouth. His hands gripped her hips, probably too hard, but she wasn’t stopping him. If anything, she was urging him on, rocking into him, searching for the contact that would take them both over the edge.

Damn it, he needed her. He needed the closeness, the connection, the comfort he found when his skin was against hers. He knew this wasn’t a good idea. He was already on the edge, and he should tell her he was leaving before things went too far.

But he couldn’t stop. Not when he knew she wanted him, too.

He backed her up to his old bed and pushed her down onto the mattress. “Smart-mouthed and gorgeous.”

She gazed up at him and pulled her bottom lips between her teeth. “So, am I the first gorgeous, smart-mouthed blonde you’ve ever had in this bed?”

He popped open his belt and unbuttoned his jeans. “You’re the first and only girl I’ve ever had in this bed.”

She sat up, surprise in her gaze, putting her mouth level with his cock. He released a shaky breath as she slid her palms up his thighs. “You never brought a girl home?”

“Never,” he said, and had to clear his throat. “Do you really want to talk about my old girlfriends right now?”

Her gaze dropped to the erection straining against his unbuttoned jeans and she shook her head. “Nope.”

She crawled up onto her knees and he met her halfway, kissing the breath out of her, pulling her against his body, every part of him fitting perfectly against her.

This was the feeling he needed. This—the way she fit him like a damn puzzle piece. Like she belonged here. She belonged with him, as part of him.

But he was leaving. And she was going to hate him when she found out.