He nodded, completely in agreement with her. He knew good and well that he could see Kacey and she could tell him to fuck off. He deserved it, but unlike before, when he would have gone to get drunk and let her go, he wouldn’t let go this time. He was going to fight and he would get her back. No matter what. For the last ninety days, he’d gone over and over all the ways he planned to win her back. He even got some ideas from his buddies in rehab. He also had to come clean to Karson, which was going to be hard, but she was worth it. He needed her. It was that simple. He had already apologized to Karson, Lacey, and Karson’s family for all the wrong he’d done over the years, but Kacey would take more than a simple apology, he knew that.
“I was fucked up, Lacey, and I regret it every single day. You don’t need to remind me.”
“She’s still hurt,” she said, moving her hair out of her face. His heart cracked a bit, so he snuggled into Mena Jane for a little extra support.
“I know, but that also gives me hope. A little push that she still thinks of me.”
“But it doesn’t mean she won’t try to kill you.”
“She won’t,” he said with a grin. “She loved me at one time.”
“I think she still does,” she admitted and Jordie nodded, his heart pumping faster in his chest.
“That’s all well and good, and I pray to Jesus you’re right, Lacey, but that’s an issue I need to fix. Because only I can do it,” he said simply. “But enough about me. When was the last time you showered?”
She made a face. “Why?”
“Because you stink, and you have baby shit on your shirt along with something crusty and white in your hair. Since Karson isn’t home, I’m gonna guess it’s not what it should be, so you need a shower.”
He said it to make her laugh, but she wasn’t laughing. Instead, her lips pressed together as her eyes started to fill with tears and he shook his head. “What the hell is going on, Lacey? I’ve never seen you like this.”
She looked away sheepishly as he turned to look at the disaster that was her living room. Tissues were everywhere, dirty diapers, little circle pads, bottles of soda, and clothes littered the floor.
“You’re drinking Coke now?”
She was a clean eater, something she believed in since having breast cancer. She always told him, “You’ve got one body. Keep it healthy.” Apparently, she wasn’t living by that anymore.
She shrugged. “I guess. It keeps me awake.”
“Lacey, what’s going on?”
She looked up at him, tears rolling down her cheeks, and her little lip wobbled. His heart broke for her. He didn’t understand what she was feeling. Hell, no one probably did. This girl was fighting an internal battle that only people in the same boat with her would understand. It killed him, but he had to help.
“I’m scared twenty-four seven, Jordie. I know Karson is freaking out and trying to think of ways to help me, but all I can think is that she’s gonna die. My sweet little Mena Jane will be taken from me, and I can’t handle it. It’s like I have this weight on my chest and I’m struggling to breathe, to get out from underneath it to save her. I don’t know what to do. I won’t leave her and I won’t take her anywhere because I’m so scared. I just don’t know what to do. People call all the time to come and visit, and I make up excuse after excuse. Half the time I don’t even answer the phone. I’m a train wreck, and I don’t know how to make it better.”
She started to sob and Jordie couldn’t take it. As much as he wanted to just hold Mena Jane, he knew that he needed to hold Lacey. Laying Mena Jane in the bassinet by the couch, he turned, taking Lacey in his arms, hugging her in close to his chest and almost squeezing her too hard. Snuggling her nose into his chest, she let out a sob that rattled his soul.
He hated when women cried; it always made him feel an inch tall. It used to kill him to watch him mom cry over all her failed marriages. It would make him so mad because he would want to rattle her, scream at her that she didn’t need anyone, that he was enough, but he never did. He just comforted her. Why he did, he still didn’t understand. She never loved him enough to just be good with only having him, but this was different. Lacey loved Jordie for Jordie. Maybe because she had to, but she did and that was enough to make him want to do anything to help her.
Kissing the top of her head, he fought back his own tears as she just sighed again, her eyes fluttering shut. She was exhausted. “When was the last time you slept the whole night?”