“Do tall men get craps? I’m gonna be tall when I get bigger. I wanna get the craps,” Josh adds. “Gavin, do you get the craps?”
Gavin looks down at Josh in horror and then back up at me. “I think I hear my mom calling us. WE’RE COMING, MOM!”
Gavin turns and walks away quickly, and I follow behind him with Josh.
“I’m gonna tell my mom I’m getting the craps. This is gonna be awesome!”
Well, at least kids are good for one thing.
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! SON OF A BITCH!”
We’re almost finished with the walk when a man dressed up as the Grim Reaper is suddenly walking elbow-to-elbow with Uncle Drew, staring straight at him as he walks, not saying a word.
“Hey you! Mean guy! Get away from poop guy before he cries!” Josh yells.
We all laugh at the prospect of Uncle Drew breaking down in the middle of the woods crying, but Josh’s shout stops the Grim Reaper in his tracks. He slinks back off into the woods to wait for the next group of unsuspecting walkers to come through so he can scare them.
There are a few more small houses set up along the path that they turned into haunted houses, and we come up to the first one. Aunt Claire didn’t want to take Josh through it just in case it was too scary, but he insisted.
My dad bought him a light-up wand when we first got to the Halloween Walk, and he wields it in front of him as we slowly make our way into the house.
“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God,” Uncle Drew chants quietly over and over.
“Will you shut up?” Dad scolds him in a loud whisper.
Cobwebs hang from the ceiling, body parts with blood all over them litter the floor and dangle from the walls, and a strobe light flashes as the sounds of scary music is piped through the house. We twist and turn through the maze of the rooms, electronic bats falling down from the ceiling around one turn, a mummy popping up from a coffin around another, and a person dressed up like Freddy Kruger jumping out at us close to the exit.
As soon as the guy leaps out from behind the door and throws his razor fingernails up at us, Josh smacks him in the hand with his light stick.
“OW!” screams Freddy Kruger as he clutches his injured razor hand to his chest.
“Ha! Not so tough now, are you, Fred?” Uncle Drew laughs as he walks by the guy and out the exit.
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Uncle Drew screams as the Grim Reaper guy steps out from the side of the house directly into his path. Uncle Drew holds his hands to his throat and starts choking on his own spit from yelling so loud.
“Drew, for God’s sakes, keep it together, man,” Dad mutters as I stick a finger in my ear in an attempt to rub out the ringing going on from Uncle Drew’s girly screams.
“I pacifically told him he shouldn’t go with us if he was going to be too scared,” Aunt Jenny mutters. “Baby, do you need the Heineken Remover?” she asks as she walks over and starts smacking him on the back.
“I DON’T KNOW IF HE DOES, BUT I COULD SURE USE A HEINEKEN RIGHT NOW, JENNY!” Tyler shouts.
“Dude, why are you shouting?” Gavin asks.
“Didn’t your aunt have like a stroke or something? Isn’t that why she’s a little off? I figure if I talk loudly she’ll understand me,” Tyler explains.
“No, no stroke. She’s just kind of … special,” Gavin adds nicely.
We continue down the path, following the lit jack-o-lanterns to the next haunted house. The Grim Reaper walks elbow to elbow with Uncle Drew the entire way, never once taking his eyes off of him.
“Okay, seriously, fucker. If you’re going to follow me, at least say something. All this staring is wigging me out,” Uncle Drew complains.
The man says nothing, just continues to keep pace with Uncle Drew. When he speeds up, the Grim Reaper speeds up. When he slows down, the Grim Reaper slows down. When he walks in a circle around our group as we stop to admire some of the carved pumpkins, the Grim Reaper follows right behind him.
At one point, Uncle Drew lifts his knee and holds his arms out to his side, touching his nose with each finger like he’s doing a sobriety test. The Grim Reaper follows right along. Uncle Drew decides he’s no longer just going to sit back and let this poor volunteer for the parks department get off easily. He hops like a rabbit for about two hundred yards and then sprints to the next haunted house.
The Reaper follows, mimicking his movements.
Eventually, Uncle Drew starts calling him Grimmy and invites the guy out for drinks after the walk but tells him he can only come along if he keeps the costume on.
Grimmy never answers.
I have to say, I’ve never seen a guy stay in character this well, especially with all the shit Uncle Drew is having him do. We go into a haunted house and the guy disappears into the woods. Then, a few minutes later, he’s right back next to Uncle Drew, following him like a puppy dog.
And of course when we say something about that, Uncle Drew decides to crawl on all fours for a little while, barking every few feet.