Gavin looks over my shoulder and his smile instantly falls. “Oh shit. He’s serious.”
“Run, Virginityman, run!” Tyler shouts.
Hand in hand with Charlotte, we walk around to the back of her parents’ house. It’s no longer her house anymore since she moved into my apartment last week.
Can I get a round of applause, folks?! Or maybe just a “FUCK YEAH!”?
“This is so weird. Just a few months ago I was making this same walk with Tyler, giving myself a pep talk about my list,” I tell Charlotte with a laugh.
“Yeah, well I was inside the house at that same time freaking out about whether or not Rocco was going to be convincing as my boyfriend,” she replies.
“I’m so glad I never killed him. He has great taste in shoes.” I look down at her platform wedges that make her long legs look fucking hot.
“Don’t even think about it, Gavin. We are not sneaking off into the bushes to have sex at my parents’ house,” Charlotte warns me as I continue to stare at her legs while we walk.
“That’s probably a wise decision since I’m pretty sure my puke is still in those bushes.”
Once Charlotte finally came clean that she and Rocco were never really dating, he and I actually became good friends. I’ve had to put him in his place a few times when he makes comments about my great ass, but all in all, having a gay dude as a friend is pretty awesome. I pretend like I never hated him or wished that a rabid infestation of crabs would chew off his dick, and he takes me shopping to pick out sexy shoes and lingerie for Charlotte. It’s perfect.
I’m still working my ass off at Seduction and Snacks and loving every minute of it, especially now that I have a new co-worker. Charlotte accepted a position as the new Media Sales Rep for the business, and Aunt Liz couldn’t be happier. We all decided that from now on it would be a good idea for her to do the ribbon cutting ceremonies at sex toy shops. Less chance of humiliating newspaper headlines that way since I’m pretty sure Charlotte won’t be ODing on Viagra anytime soon. At least I hope not. I wonder what Viagra does to a vagina? I should ask Uncle Drew. I’m sure he knows.
As soon as we get to the back yard, we’re immediately greeted by the sounds of screaming.
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“What the fuck is that?” I ask Uncle Drew as he walks up to us.
“That, my little asshole, is a screaming goat. Molly showed me this awesome video on YouTube and I had to get one,” Uncle Drew says with a huge smile.
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Uncle Drew turns around and points proudly to a little black and white goat tied to one of Aunt Liz and Uncle Jim’s trees. “Isn’t she cute? Her name is Taylor Swift.”
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” the goat screams as she looks right at us.
“I don’t even understand what is happening right now,” I reply with a shake of my head.
“I’ve been trying to teach her—”
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“How to sing a—”
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“Song, but she never comes in at the right—”
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“SON OF A BITCH, TAYLOR SWIFT! I TOLD YOU, NOT UNTIL THE CHORUS!” Uncle Drew yells across the yard as he turns and walks away from us.
“Do you think Uncle Drew is ever going to grow up?” Charlotte asks me as we watch him have a conversation with the goat, his arms flying in every direction as he tries to explain to her what she did wrong.
“Definitely not.”
I turn toward Charlotte and wrap my arms around her waist. I start to lean down for a kiss, but of course we’re interrupted.
“You two need to get a room. All of this PDA shit is disgusting.”
Charlotte and I turn our heads as Ava walks up next to us, with Tyler right behind her.
“Oh, don’t be jealous, sugar muffin. Some day you’ll be able to save up enough money and pay a guy off to love you that much,” Tyler says with a smirk.
“Hey, Tyler, want to know what it feels like to have a stiletto shoved up your ass?” Ava casually asks him while she examines her fingernails.
“You already had your finger in my ass, so I’m assuming it wouldn’t be much different.”
Ava continues to stare at the chipped polish on her thumbnail, but I can tell she’s about ready to lose it. Her nostrils flare and she lets out a growl.
“Dude, you might want to start running now,” I whisper to him.
Unfortunately for Tyler, Ava isn’t about to make a scene in her parents’ backyard by beating the shit out of him. She’s going for complete and total mind fuck right now.
“Remember the last time you were in my car and you left that My Little Pony toy in the center console?” Charlotte asks him sweetly, finally looking up at him.
Tyler loses all of his smugness and his smile falters.
“You didn’t,” he whispers.
“Know what happens when you put My Little Pony in the microwave?” Ava asks.
Tyler’s eyes widen and he clenches his fists at his sides. “No. Please, not Twilight Sparkle.”