I gave a deep swallow. “Rayna, I don’t know why but all the time I was there, even in the NIC-U, all I could think of was you and what our lives would be like today if...” My hand somehow appeared at her belly as my words failed me.
She gasped and her body steeled. She looked down at my hand and used hers to cover mine.
“Azmir, you want a baby?” Her eyes were filled with terror when she shifted them back up to me.
The waiter returned with our food, but we remained cemented in the same positions. When he left, her lost eyes were still plastered to my face.
I let out a strong exhale. I didn't know what in the hell I was trying to say I wanted, but whatever it was I wanted it to be with Rayna.
“Not right now, but eventually.” I was lost in words and feelings—something that was beginning to happen far more increasingly when it came to Rayna.
She let out a deep exhale and her body visibly relaxed.
“Is a baby with me that horrid of an idea?” I was offended.
She jumped to me, wrapping her arms around my waist. “No. No, that’s not it at all. It’s just that I’m not sure I’m capable of being a mother.”
“Are you saying you can’t have children? Are you speaking from a medical perspective?” I was confused as hell.
She sat up and faced the table. “No, I don’t mean physically—well, nothing I’m aware of. What I mean is with all of my issues. I can’t possibly nurture another human being.” Her face was empty and her eyes haunted. She picked up her fork to start eating her salad.
She couldn’t possibly believe that, could she?
“The more I thought about how reckless I was this summer with going without protection, I had to think about the stupid risks I took with potentially another’s life. I’ve never—ever been so irresponsible with sex. I don’t know what...” Her thoughts interrupted her speech. “I know how it happened. You,” she whispered as though it was illegal or immoral. “Motherhood may not be in the cards for me. I can’t bring a life into this world knowing my deficiencies. No one deserves a broken mother.”
We ate in silence for a few. I measured her words that exposed a new level of her self-abhorrence. Why couldn’t she see her strengths instead of her weakness. Rayna’s package, by far outshined, outweighed, and out measured most of the women I’d encountered in my life. She was unbelievably gorgeous, educated, extremely talented, ambitious, and more independent than my alpha-male ego would prefer at times.
Emotionally, she clearly had deficiencies but what woman didn’t struggle with balancing them considering their chemical make-up. Even that she had been working on by way of her religion and counseling. She was wonderfully packaged and hopefully for me. I wanted her. I wanted room in her heart and soul—in the world of Rayna Brimm. One could guess that I was no better than she was because I couldn’t express these things to her. I was too afraid. She was too flighty.
So badly, I wanted to share all of my life—my past and future with her but the details of it were too sensitive. She was too fragile and I wasn’t fully convinced she wouldn’t run, leaving me more fucked up in the head than anyone else could possibly have. There had to be a way to work toward her ultimate trust without disclosing the complications of my world.
“I can't believe that,” I said after swallowing my food and reaching for my drink.
“Hmmm?”
“I can't believe that you’re incapable of motherhood. You were very dedicated to Erin. You're still fighting to be a part of her world. If you were so selfish and unable to connect to a dependent child, you wouldn't be fighting as hard as you are to be that to Erin. This is your opportunity to make a clean break and yet you’re fighting.”