As I lay on my couch, I welcomed him to me with my index finger. Without a smile, but with a stern expression, I’m sure nervous about what we were about to do. I wasn’t naked. I didn’t like that, but was smart enough to know he couldn’t handle me unclothed. He’d clam up. So, I settled for an open blouse, exposing my lace bra and my skirt rolled up to my pelvis. Bernard wasn’t naked either. His pants and boxers were at his hips and shirt still intact.
When he lay on me, the wind left my lungs. It wasn’t due to anything magical like with Stenton. It was because he dropped with no finesse or conscious thought of his landing. He did take to my mouth right away, an act we were both familiar with. We kissed for a while and I waited. Finally, I realized Bernard didn’t know where to go next, so to hint his next move, I thrust up and into him. I continued that several times before he got caught up in the act. Then when that became an aimless journey, I reached between us and positioned the tip of him at my opening. I continued to thrust and he eventually joined me again. Bernard’s breathing picked up and when I opened my eyes to see him, his expression was troubled.
“What’s wrong?” I thought maybe because I was tight and he had yet to breach me fully.
“I think we should stop.”
“Why?” I didn’t understand why his mouth was saying something his body was totally in disagreement with. I felt him straining, so I continued to try to pull him all the way in.
“Because…Because…” Bernard’s lids flickered. “Uhhhhh… Ahhhh…” he grunted.
Holy mother of Joseph! Bernard was having an orgasm when I didn’t feel any pressure from him being inside of me!
I stopped my movements, waiting for him to halt his gyrations on top of me. And when he did, he hopped off of me like I burned him.
“I-I need the bathroom.”
He charged out of the living room, leaving me sitting up on my arms, glancing between my legs, wondering what in the world happened. I waited so long for him to come out, I got lost in my phone, on IG. JR was with his father and suddenly I wished he was home with me, watching movies and eating homemade milkshakes.
“Zo,” I heard Bernard call behind me as he returned into the living room.
I turned to find him neatly tucked and more composed. I couldn’t deny the sting from me having never lost mine.
He sat next to me and placed his hand on my thigh. “That was—”
“Awkward?”
Bernard blushed. “Extremely.”
“Yeah. Look, B—”
“It’s not you. I’m very much attracted to you, Zoey.”
“Oh, I saw,” I jibed.
He snorted. “It’s just that I don’t have a lot of experience since I vowed celibacy to Christ years ago. The last time I did that was…” Bernard whistled. “Years ago with Darlena.”
“Darlena?”
From the choir?
He nodded humbly. “Yeah. It was a mess. An ugly mess that forced me to the altar, making promises to God. One of which I broke tonight.”
“Was that your baby she was pregnant with?”
I blurted that question thinking what else could be so messy with Darlena. Bernard didn’t answer.
“It’s not just my story to share.” He faced straight ahead not giving me any eye action. “So, when I saw you up there with your baby at his christening, I felt standing by your side was the right thing to do.”
“Oh, wow.” I cupped my mouth.
Bernard nodded with pouted lips, contemplatively. “So, I don’t want you to feel what happened earlier was a slight toward you. And also what I’m about to say. My spirit feels convicted and I’m embarrassed. I hope you don’t mind if we hold off on doing that again until we’re married. I just wanna do things right, Zo. I’m asking God for too much to be risking it all on my flesh and disappointing you at the same time.”
Nodding my head, I honestly understood Bernard’s apprehensions. I knew I, myself, had manipulated so much, especially with Stenton, and changed the course of my life. It was only by His grace that I’d still been on a path decent enough to be proud of. Like Bernard, I feared the Lord, too. I could use a step back in the ambition department. My motives and actions likely inflicted this pain I’d been carrying around for years.
“I understand and respect your position,” I shoulder knock him.
“Really?”