When I was able to move, I backed out of Zoey’s room, feeling pain in places I didn’t know were available for sensation. It was worse than being alone as a kid and not having Thanksgiving or gifts under the tree Christmas morning because to your feigning parents, they were just regular days to chase their next hit. It damn sure was more painful than having your boys leave for home on the holidays, excited to be returning to their families and me having no urgency to sit at my Uncle Stan’s, shooting a basketball against the wall for hours. It was almost as astounding as getting more love and attention on my birthday at school than I did at home. Nothing felt worse than that moment.
On my drive back to my apartment, I thought, this was precisely the reason why years ago I couldn’t just take what I wanted from Zoey in terms of her ultimate commitment. I never wanted to turn her into this. I never wanted her to spiral into this condition. I didn’t want her to suffer from my demanding schedule, the rumors, or compromising her identity before she found it as women her age should do organically. I never wanted to create the dejection I saw in her eyes tonight. And without effort, that’s exactly what I’d done.
I knew I needed to leave her alone. I knew we needed more than space. I knew it may have meant saying goodbye to what, for years, had been my manna. I knew this meant we may never…ever be together.
Well after that night, another decision I’d come to was abandoning the charade of involving other women to draw the illusion of having moved on from Zoey. I didn’t date anyone after Jenna. It was senseless. If I were so lucky to have a fraction of what I found in Zoey with another woman, I would pursue it genuinely. However, that wouldn’t be my focus. Months after that night, my focus had become getting my shit together and being the best father I could to Jordan. Zoey said she wanted to be freed; I needed to let her fly.
That night, I let her go.
Chapter 10
April 2013
~Zoey~
“Zoey, I don’t need your help. I know how to put a condom on.”
“I was just offering. You seemed to be a little startled by the prospect.”
“That’s because I was. I mean, why would I expect you to keep condoms at your place?”
Hmmmmm… Maybe because I’m a responsible adult?
Bernard and I had our first kiss that night after we left Ocean Prime back in January. I guess all that talk of sex got to him because he’d been very feely since, always kissing and hugging me. That progressed to him touching my butt, and recently groping my breasts. I didn’t mind. I found Bernard attractive enough. He was a pretty good kisser, too. Yet I knew he still had reservations about taking it all the way there. I was ready for one reason in particular: to fully get over Stenton’s touch. No, I didn’t have fire coursing through my veins at Bernard’s touch or my clit throbbing and body trembling when his lips neared mine. But I’d decided while at the moment I didn’t feel those things, that we could eventually grow to that point.
And we’ve been growing over the past few months. We were finally here. I felt we were finally ready to go all the way. Three weeks ago, I thought we were there when I felt his erection for the first time. I’d attempted to block the comparison of him and Stenton out of my mind while I was assessing it, but that night when I went to bed, I couldn’t help make a note that I wouldn’t have to accommodate him like I did Stenton. And when he’d touched my sex, exploring it while our tongues twirled, I was excited to experience his sexual skillset. I was disappointed that night, too, from not having orgasmed. Bernard seemed lost down there, truly exploring as though for the first time. From our exchange with the King’s back in January, it didn’t surprise me that he didn’t go down on me, even though I wanted him to.
But I can work with him. We can learn together.
And tonight I thought we were well on our way. I had him applying a condom that I’d purchased a few weeks ago, anticipating this.
“See?” Bernard gazed down at himself, wearing a bewildered expression.
I hope I haven’t pushed him too far.