Admittedly, I’d been having a good time with him. We’d go out and he’d dote on me, brag to his associates about my accomplishments, dress me up in designer garb, tell the world about his intentions of marrying me one day. He’d be particular about my ensembles when out with him. I remember the first time he referenced Tynisha, asking if she could assemble clothing for me. I thought it was a bit vain, but understood that was Bernard’s speed. It didn’t make me feel any less appealing. I just used it as a source to step my game up in my appearance, especially when I explained to him that Tynisha and I were no longer that closely associated.
Then there was experiencing that church culture when out with Bernard and his friends. They spoke with a cadence and a vernacular only found in a traditional black church environment. That I did find challenging. All of my childhood I was labeled a church girl; when I evolved socially, I shook that identity. Spiritually, I remained anchored in the Word, but I didn’t want the label. Bernard, on the other hand, embraced it. That wasn’t my style. But to each his own. I still had fun when around him. I laughed endlessly with him, never taking a moment seriously outside of his ministering when singing. I needed that break from my harsh reality.
Bernard and I were friends, and that’s how Stenton and I started out. The only difference was Stenton and I had this explosive chemistry that I couldn’t contain…then our friendship went awry. But Bernard asking now? Where was the layover?
I’d been grinding. Hard. The year of 2013 was one of sheer dedication to my business with the pure intent of opening a third location. It had happened just two weeks before this proposal. How did we get to this point when we hadn’t spent a lot of time together? I’d been working like a dog for the success I’d recently achieved. And Jordan. What would this mean for him? I hadn’t had him around Bernard much outside of church, understanding he was very much attached to his father and so young. I didn’t know how to integrate him into a relationship with me and a man, period. Jordan was sharp and had asked a year or so ago why his mommy and daddy weren’t a family. I couldn’t have even consulted my mother for guidance on that. My family had always been together. I didn’t even invite Bernard to Jordan’s 5th birthday party in Alpine last month, not prepared to handle it all.
Now he was proposing. I had to gain the reins of this runaway horse. I regarded Bernard in his Ralph Lauren pants, on one knee, holding a black velvet box with a plain gold band holding a miniature diamond said to be from his father’s proposal to his mother. I broke a polite smile onto my face.
“Bernard, you know I’ve never aspired to marriage. That’s never been on my wish list, even as a child.”
Bernard stood, scooting the chair to the left of me over and sat close enough for our knees to touch.
“I know, Zoey, but I believe this would be good for us. I want, in my heart, to do the honorable thing for you. I want to give you the ultimate commitment. I want to take care of you…as my wife.”
Although I knew Bernard couldn’t take care of me and my belongings on his inconsistent salary as a cover band, there was something admirable in what he was asking. He wanted something official. I’d never had that. Yet, I wouldn’t rush into anything for the sake of needing what Stenton couldn’t provide.
Did I just think his name? Ugh!
“I’m going to need time to adjust to this. I also need to think about Jordan. I’m not in this thing alone. He’s a part of my parcel.”
I couldn’t turn down Bernard’s proposal. It shielded me from my reality, which was dating for Elizabeth Barrett was an impossible feat. Outside of raising a child and my demanding work schedule, I didn’t have lots of time to date. And then there was that issue of who my child’s father was. Trying to date while being Stenton Rogers’ baby’s mother toyed with my self-esteem. Nobody wanted to get to know me. They wanted to either get to him or align themselves with his image. That’s where I came in. Too many men were far more interested in getting at Stenton’s former lover, his son’s mother rather than learning about me. That truth sucked. Even I knew I had more to offer than a mere man I had sex with at least once to produce a child.