Just One Song

chapter Eleven





My heart is racing a thousand beats per minute and no matter what I try to do, I cannot calm myself down. The only people who can see me are Zack, the rest of the band and a few sound techies who are making sure everything’s plugged in and the lights are set correctly for tonight’s performance.

The only person missing is Ethan. Zack and I arrived at the arena earlier so I could play a song with him and still have time to work before Mia flies in. Our fun, or Zack’s idea of fun anyway, came crashing down once Chase showed up to let Zack know that Ethan wasn’t on the bus. His cell phone was off, and no one knew where he was. I watched Zack instantly change from the normal laid-back guy he is to completely pissed off in a span of a split second. They were all ticked off Ethan was running late again, but this time was different because he hadn’t bothered to let anyone know.

The tension all over the stage tonight is so thick I can barely breathe.

There are only a few hours to show time and he could be anywhere in Philly, either strung out on drugs or passed out somewhere. Or, just getting high and planning on showing up whenever he feels like it. It’s the unknown that has everyone rattled.

I did the only thing I could think of to help them out. I offered to play his parts for the rehearsal and sound check. Except now I feel like my heart’s going to explode and I wish with every breath I take that Ethan will walk in the door and save me.

I force a smile when Zack walks to me. “You okay with this?”

“I think I would be since I offered, but no; I’m sort of freaking out.” I don’t know why this is. I have done piano recitals since I was five and I’m not one to typically get stage fright. But this is different. This time I’m playing with a professional band in an arena that will be filled with thirty thousand people in a matter of hours. And what happens if Ethan doesn’t show up? Surely they don’t expect me to be able to know enough to fill in for him for an entire concert.

I can’t believe I’m doing this.

Suddenly, Zack’s hands grip my waist and pulls me flush against his chest. If he’s trying to calm me down, it’s not working. I breathe in and smell his soap and masculinity. Being so close to him only increases my nerves, but in an entirely different way. He raises a hand to the back of my neck and forces me to look at him.

“Are you good?” Well, no, I’m not. I’m such a wreck I feel like throwing up, but I’m not going to tell him that. Plus, I think he’s asking about something different so I nod.

“You’ve heard all these songs at least a half dozen times now. If you’re as good as you say you are you’ll be completely fine.” His reassurance flatters me, but he has yet to hear me play, and all my earlier bravado and confidence has run far away from me.

I don’t respond, because when he’s this close to me, holding me so tightly, it’s difficult for me to breathe, or think, or remember my name; much less the songs I’ve been hearing for the last ten days.

I bite my upper lip, sucking it in nervously and watch Zack’s eyes darken. He likes it when I do this and I know it teases him. I’m not currently trying to, but I can’t help that my body responds naturally to that hungry look he gets in his eyes. His lips are on mine, pulling out my lip before I can think another thought. On instinct, my hands grip the front of his shirt and I pull him closer. I know we’re supposed to be doing something else right now, and I have a vague recollection there are other people in the room, but as soon as Zack’s lips touch mine, the entire world vanishes.

He pulls apart from me almost as quickly as the kiss began leaving my head spinning. I’m left gasping for air, completely breathless and I smile when I see he’s doing the same thing. I love that I have that effect on him.

“Don’t think about the music. Just play what you hear.”

He gives me one quick kiss on the forehead, nods to the guys who are waiting off to the side of the stage, and walks to the front.

“That was about the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.” Jake picks up his guitar and stands in front of me, plugging it into the amp.

“Shut up, Jake.” I feel as if I should be embarrassed by the overt public display, however, I find myself just smiling and not bothered at all. I also realize with that one kiss, my entire body is relaxed. Zack knew exactly what he was doing because in that one moment of hurried passion, all other tension left my body.

Chase bangs out a few beats on the kick drum and hits his drumsticks together to pound out the beat on the first song. I listen to the music just like Zack told me to. They play through the first verse before I pick out all the chords and hear, by memory, how Ethan would have played it. By the time the first song is done, I’m swept up in the music and the energy from the other guys. I’m completely in my element and fully relaxed. I don’t even realize how much I have missed playing until the first song ends.

I take a deep breath when the last note ends and smile broadly at Zack. He returns my smile. I did it. It wasn’t perfect, and may not have been as good as Ethan, but I did it.

“That was amazing, Nic!” Chase’s affirmation increases my smile dramatically.

“You might be even better than Ethan.” I roll my eyes at Jake’s comments and shake my head.

“No way,” I say. I’ve heard Ethan play, and he’s incredible. I barely did anything special on the song to warrant that kind of compliment.

I play through three more songs with the band. The entire time, I’m lost in the music and feel myself coming alive with each passing song in a way I haven’t experienced since

I was in college, probably. It’s the most magical thing I’ve ever experienced, being on stage with a full band, looking out in a sea of empty seats; knowing they’ll start filling up soon.

“What in the hell is she doing here!?” Ethan’s voice rings out from the side of the stage and we all freeze instantly. He sways back and forth, clearly wasted from something and his eyes look like they’re on fire. His hands are clenched into tight fists at his sides as he stomps across the stage, directly towards me. I immediately take several steps away from the keyboard.

“She was helping us, Ethan, since you can’t be bothered to show up on time.” Zack’s angry voice fills the air as he walks towards us. He reaches me, and puts an arm protectively across my waist, staring down Ethan the entire time.

Ethan mumbles something with more expletives than I’ve ever heard used in my life in one sentence before turning to face Zack.

“Whatever, man, I’m a little late, big deal.” He stumbles a few steps towards the keyboard, grabbing it at the last second to get his balance. He can barely stand up straight and I wonder if he can even play. “And keep your new girl away from my shit.”

Zack takes a menacing step forward, letting his arm drop from my waist. I don’t care. Ethan’s staring at me like he wants me murdered, and all I want to do is get out of here before anything worse happens.

“I’ve told you not to say shit like that to her. I won’t warn you again. And if you ever pull a stunt like you did today, you’re off my tour.”

He turns to me, and exhales loudly while rubbing one hand through his hair. I think it’s the sexiest thing in the world when his muscles dance across his arm when he does this, but clearly now is not the right time to let him know.

I just want to get off the stage and behind my laptop where I can work on editing photos and forget about the evil glare I see in Ethan’s eyes. “Thanks for helping, Nic. You’re one of the most talented keyboardists I’ve ever met.”

I roll my eyes at Zack’s compliment. This is obviously one of those ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’ things, because I know I’m not more talented than most; even if I am good.

“I had fun.” I smile weakly. My nerves are shot right now from all the adrenaline of playing and Ethan showing up. He’s still leering at me with his glazed eyes.

“I’m going to go back and get some work done before Mia gets here. Do you want me to bring him some coffee?” I ask, nodding towards Ethan.

“Yeah, that’d be great. But have someone else bring it out.” He leans down and gives me a quick kiss. He tastes salty from the sweat that’s already lightly covering his skin. I lick my lips and wiggle my eyebrows at him as I leave the stage.

***

Some of the pictures I have of Zack and Chase with their heads bowed together, while working on new songs are fantastic. Passion for their music and intensity in their work fills their eyes and every feature on their faces. It’s so good I email a copy to Mia, even though Darren’s picking her up at the airport right now. She’ll love it, though. I have a feeling this will be next to her bed the next time I go to her place. The thought makes me laugh a little bit to myself.

I jump when the door slams wide open. I scream in joy, and throw myself in her arms.

“Mia!” I don’t realize until I’m in her arms how much I’ve missed her.

“Hey girl!” She screams into my ear so loud I think my ear drum might explode. “It’s so good to finally see you again.” She looks as beautiful as always in a mini black skirt and knee high, high-heeled boots. Her light blue top is loose and has cut-outs showing off her shoulders.

I sit down and fill her in on all the drama that’s been going on with Ethan. She doesn’t look too surprised, and I wonder how often she and Chase have actually spoken since he left Minneapolis.

I’m surprised because Mia has spent so much time working on her career; her stance on guys has always been the more the merrier. She serial dates through men as frequently as she buys new shoes. I make a mental note to ask her later for the real scoop because I can’t believe she would hide anything serious from me. Although how serious could it really be? If they’ve been talking it’s only been for the last ten days.

I’m lost in my thoughts when I hear Mia mention her favorite gossip website, Celeb Gossip. She looks at me nervously.

“What?” I ask, still unsure of what was said.

“I was just saying that I saw pictures of you and Zack in Boston.”

What? “There’s photos of me?” I choke it out like I’m going to vomit. My stomach rolls and I look for the nearest garbage can in case I actually do. I can’t believe there are pictures of me on the internet again.

“Yeah…you didn’t know?” Mia’s voice softens when she sees panic fill my face. “I thought you would have known, one of them is actually pretty good. I was saying that you look really happy.”

“How would I know? I don’t check that stuff. Do they know my name?” Of course not, there’s no way some gossip rag would know anything about me.

Her hand covers mine, stilling them instantly. I didn’t realize I was shaking. I close my eyes and breathe deeply. I shake my head, unable to speak. I open my laptop and type the address to the website Mia mentioned and gasp instantly.

“It’s okay, Nicole.” Mia never calls me by full name. Ever. And if she’s doing it now she must notice how close I am to completely losing it.

But it’s not okay. All it’s going to take is one person; one road crew worker or the bus driver, anyone who doesn’t know how important my privacy is to me, to leak my name. And an internet search by anyone will be able to splash my family’s accident all over the place. I don’t want that to happen again.

For months after the accident, news stations, newspaper and magazine reports, and television shows had hounded me about my life, Mark and Andrew, and the accident. It was practically the scandal of the century in Minnesota. Governor’s daughter causes deadly car accident while texting and driving; mom lies to cover it up and take the blame. Even the national media picked up the story at one point and ran with it. And then once the details of the settlement were leaked, everything started all over again. All I had wanted was to be able to grieve and mourn the loss of my family in private, and no one allowed me that courtesy. The thought of the news leaking again…it breaks me.

There are photos of me and Zack backstage at his concert a few nights earlier and then at a club everyone dragged me to afterwards. We hadn’t done anything special, I sat in the VIP section, refusing to dance, but had a great time regardless, drinking a couple of martini’s and watching Chase and Garrett ignore all the female attention. While Jake did the complete opposite.

My head spins as I see the photos like I’ve been thrown into a funnel cloud. I’m dizzy and suddenly nauseous and sweating. How could I not think this would happen? It’s the only thing I can think of. That….and I never should have come.

Zack didn’t leave my side that night. He has an arm around me in one, smiling down at me as he talks to me back stage. He was trying to convince me to go out with them. The other is us leaving the club. His arm is around my waist and I’m smiling up at him as we walk towards the car. I never even saw a photographer. I look enamored with him in the photo. And I am. I have the same look on my face that I imagine I do whenever he looks at me and the world tends to fade into the background.

Beside the photos, and my already shot nerves, is a caption: Rachel and Zack’s off and on again romance is clearly off again as Zack spends the evening in Boston wrapped up in an unknown fan. Sources say they met backstage, but clearly sparks are flying on Zack’s third, and best tour yet.

Well, at least it’s Zack’s best tour.

I can’t believe this. I can’t believe I’ve been photographed and wasn’t even smart enough before agreeing to do this tour that I didn’t stop to think what could possibly happen. How did I not think about this? Of course there was a risk I’d be photographed if I was ever out in public. I collapse my head into the palm of my hands. I can’t believe I let this happen.

And who the hell is Rachel?

“Who’s Rachel?”

First, Mia gives me a look like I’m stupid. “She’s a singer. A popstar – she just released her first record a year ago. She and Zack have had a…relationship….for the last year. I don’t think he’s seen her since the tour started though, and it was never anything serious from what I’ve read.”

I flinch at the way she says relationship. They hooked up for sex, she just doesn’t want to be the one to tell me. I don’t even want to think about why I’m seething in jealousy at the mention of Zack sleeping with another woman right now.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me this. One person, Mia. One person is all it’s going to take and everything is going to happen all over again.”

Why did I ever think this was going to work? Zack and I are too completely different and there’s no way that I can be a part of his life. Not when I’m worried about my family being used as the poster example of the results of texting and driving. Not when the driver of the other car comes from such a prominent family. I knew going on this tour was going to be a disaster, I just never thought it would be about this.

The door opens and Zack’s face instantly falls when he sees me. He looks like the complete rock star he is dressed in his black military boots, dark washed jeans with a chain draped across his belt and a grey t-shirt that fits his body, so completely perfectly. I move my eyes from his body. A stronger person may fake they’re okay and not let him see something is wrong, especially since he has to be on stage soon. I don’t know what time it is, but I know Mia was going to get here about an hour before the concert started, so it has to be close to time for the opening act to take the stage.

“Are you okay?” Zack rushes over to me and I shake my head. I can’t speak because I have no idea what to say. Do I tell him? Do I leave now? Does it even matter, since I leave in ten days? “Tell me what’s going on, Nic.” He turns my chair so I’m facing him and squats down in between my knees so he’s at eye level with me.

I vaguely hear Mia’s voice. Zack moves a hand from mine to the table but I stare down at my feet, not able to look at him.

“She means nothing to me.”

“It’s not that.” I choke out the words, barely audible. My throat feels completely raw. My eyes fill with tears immediately when I look at him.

“Then tell me. Tell me what it is that has you so upset right now.”

“It has to do with the accident.” I raise my eyes to his as tears start falling and take a deep breath. “The driver of the car that hit Mark and Andrew was the Governor of Minnesota’s daughter. She had just turned sixteen, and her mom wanted to spare her daughter any punishment so she lied and said she was driving the car instead.”

I stop for a minute and close my eyes.

“Once the local press found out she lied, the story went national for months.”

I watch Zack shake his head. “I don’t understand what this has to do about the pictures; about us.” Us. I exhale at the thought. It’s the first time either of us has used that word like we’re an actual couple. My heart fills with pain hearing it now, when I’m so close to leaving, because I know I have to. There’s no future between Zack and I; not if I can’t get past this.

“The media camped outside my house for months, Zack. Once I settled with the Governor and his family instead of sue, which I wasn’t going to, anyway; I was called every name you could think of. Some thought I took their money just to profit from their deaths. It was horrible.”

I look at the picture of me gazing into his eyes on my laptop and almost start crying again. The photo shows exactly what I feel for him, what I started to feel for him the day he showed up at my condo and I deemed him worthy enough to hear my story.

Love. I’m falling in love with this man in front of me; who lives a life that I don’t think I can be a part of.

“I wasn’t allowed to mourn or grieve in private, Zack. Every movement I made was tracked and talked about. I don’t want to live like that.”

I hear Mia gasp behind me. She knows exactly what I’m doing. I don’t know why she should be so surprised. She knows how much I’ve tried to protect my privacy, even using a false last name with my photography business.

“What are you saying, Nic?” Zack stands up so I have to look up at him to face him. His arms are crossed defensively and his eyebrows are furrowed. I don’t want to face him. I want to dial back the time to before I ever stepped foot in Jack’s Bar and met him, or told Mia my desire to move on. Had I waited one more week, one more day, none of this would be happening.

I wouldn’t be saying good-bye to the man I have just started falling in love with.

“I need to go home.”

Mia’s voice interrupts me. “Nic, you can’t. You don’t want to do this.”

I ignore her. “If one single person leaks my name to the press; it will take one person to search my name and find everything they want about my family. I’m not going to go through it again, Zack.”

His face looks tortured when he pulls me out of my chair towards him. “Let me help you. Don’t run away from me, not like this.”

I wipe the tears away that have started falling again. “I’m not going to take the risk of my family’s pictures being spread all over the gossip magazines. I won’t have them becoming the poster family of the risks of texting while driving. And it’ll happen if I’m connected to you Zack. You’re too well-known for somebody to not run this story. I can’t risk it.” I wipe a tear away again. “I’m not strong enough.”

His hands clasp my shoulders tightly as if he’s trying to freeze me to this exact spot forever. I don’t miss the hurt that’s flashing through his eyes, but there’s nothing I can do about it now. “You’re the strongest person I know.”

“Then maybe I don’t want to have to be strong anymore. Maybe I just want to be normal again.” I press my hand against his cheek. “I’m sorry.” Because I am; I am so incredibly sorry that I’m leaving him. But I can’t think of a single way for this to work out right now.

Right before he starts speaking, the door to the room opens and Jake walks in. I turn my head away so he can’t see my tears, but based on the thick air filling the room right now, I know he can sense something is going on. His voice is soft and worried when he says, “Zack, you need to get ready.”

Zack shakes his head but doesn’t look at him. His darkened eyes are still focused solely on me. “I need some time.”

“Zack.” It’s a warning.

Zack’s head snaps towards him. “Five minutes, damn it.” He leaves without another word. “Damn it!” Zack growls it out. I know he’s frustrated. I can see he’s hurting and pissed, and I feel miserable knowing I’m the cause of it.

“I need to go.” I move to take a step away from Zack but he pulls me back towards him.

“Don’t do this, Nicole. We can figure it out. I promise.” I hate seeing the pain in his eyes. I hate knowing I’m doing this to him. I would love to stay. To just give in and curl into his arms and ignore it all, but I can’t. I don’t see another way.

I shake my head. “Go give your concert, Zack. They need you.” I pull away from him and pick up my laptop practically sprinting out of the room. I don’t stop walking when he yells my name once I’m out of the room or when Mia chases me down the hall.

She finally stops me at the doorway leaving the building. “Don’t do this, Nic. You know you’ll regret it if you leave him. I know everything is happening so fast, but take some time. Take a few hours and think about this. You’re crazy about him. And anyone who sees the way he looks at you can see the same thing.”

“I can’t Mia. You know how hard that was for me. I can’t go through it again!” I’m desperate for her to understand. She’s always been on my side with everything else that has happened. Why doesn’t she get this?

Mia crosses her arms and purses her lips. “I think you’re more scared of a new relationship and you’re using this one picture as an excuse.”

I stomp my foot and shake my head. “It’s not that. You know what happened. You know what will happen once my name gets out. For crying out loud, I had national reporters calling me! I don’t want to relive it, Mia.” I forcefully wipe away more tears with the back of my hand, desperate to get out of here.

“I’ve seen you with Zack and I love seeing you smiling, laughing, and being ‘you’ again. It’s been almost a year and a half, Nic. I know there’s no time limit on grieving a spouse, but you’re certainly not rushing into anything here, and Zack’s a great guy.”

“I know. I know he is, Mia. And…” I stop myself from confessing the realization I had earlier. If I tell her I’m falling in love with him she’ll never let me walk out the door. “I don’t see how this could possibly work out, anyway. I was going home in ten days. What sort of future is there with us living so far apart, such different lives?”

“It’s whatever you make it. You’ve been through enough to know there aren’t any guarantees; even with someone living in the same town, or the same house as you.” I inhale sharply at her pointed words. Never has she been so blunt with me. “I’m not trying to hurt you. You’re my best friend and I love you. But I also don’t want to watch you run from something that’s really great, just because you’re afraid of something that hasn’t happened.”

“Go watch the concert, Mia. I’m going to the bus. I just need to think. And pack.”

She pulls my face towards her. “Think. But don’t pack. Not until you can talk to Zack.”

I nod, but I do it only because I just need to be alone. I have to go home.