Just One Song

chapter Thirteen





I fall asleep as soon I reach home again, emotionally exhausted from my meeting with Natalie. When I wake up, I feel a little lighter. It’s unnerving that suddenly, somehow, I’m okay with everything I just allowed, or at least gave my blessing to.

Or maybe I’ve completely lost my mind and I have no idea what I just agreed to or the ramifications it will cause.

I want to call Mia and tell her. I want to call Zack and throw my arms around him and let him comfort me as only he can. I want to hug Mark and squeeze Andrew and erase the sixteen months.

But I can’t do any of it. Zack is who knows where, probably on his way back to L.A., Mia will only make me call him, and even though I want to feel his arms around me, I don’t know if I can. Even now that I’ve talked to Natalie, I’m not sure it changes anything between me and him.

I do desperately want to see Mark. It’s been too long since I sat and talked with them. I haven’t visited since I got back from the tour; not knowing what to say, which is silly, really. I drag myself out of bed and go to the bathroom to fix my hair and ruined make-up.

I frown when I look in the mirror. My face looks sallow. My eyes are lifeless. Smudged mascara runs down my cheeks and under my eyes and my hair is slightly ratted from sleeping on it. I brush my hair, remove my make-up and after a quick flicker of blush across my cheeks, I realize it doesn’t matter how I look. I’m going to look just as bad, if not worse, by the time I’m done.

I answer my phone when I hear Mia’s ring tone spark to life in my kitchen.

“Hey,” I say solemnly. It’s just been that kind of day.

“Are you okay?” Of course she would notice immediately, and not let it pass.

“Yeah. Sort of. I’m on my way out, what’s up?” I don’t tell her where I’m going. I spent so much time at the cemetery after they were buried, my parents and Mia started keeping track of how often I went so I wasn’t there crying every day. I got a lot better as the months went by, allowing myself one trip a week, but there’s something different about today, and I don’t want her knowing.

She sounds cautious when she speaks again. “You left something on the bus. Chase sent it to me.” I rack my brain trying to think of anything I haven’t been able to find since I unpacked. Whatever it is can’t be that important because I haven’t been missing anything.

“Can’t it wait?”

“No. It really can’t. Just meet me downstairs in five minutes, okay?” She hangs up before I can answer.

I kill a few minutes, taking longer than necessary to pull on my boots and find my scarf and my winter coat. It’s fall, mid-November, and so cold today I feel like it could snow at any moment. I don’t care how cold it is though, I have to see them.

I gasp when I enter the lobby and see Mia. Behind her, standing as tall and handsome as ever in his backwards baseball cap, leather jacket and fitted jeans, is Zack.

I don’t realize I have frozen completely until Mia steps towards me. I don’t watch her though because I haven’t been able to take my eyes off Zack. He looks exhausted. A couple days of growth on his face prevents me from being able to see all of him, but I can tell he looks like crap. I wonder how much of it is from the tour ending, the drama with Ethan, and how much is from me not being there.

Mia walks up directly in front of me, her face filled with worry. “You look like shit. Are you okay?”

No, I’m not okay. I just had a morning from hell, emotionally, and I’m completely drained. The last people I wanted to see today are standing right in front of me and I have no idea why.

Or, maybe they’re not the last people I want to see? Maybe they are the people I want and need to see as much as possible.

I just don’t know any more about Zack, and how he fits. I shake my head to clear my thoughts.

“I saw Natalie Linscum today.” I still haven’t been able to peel my eyes away from Zack. I know he can’t hear me. I watch him jump a little bit though when Mia gasps next to me and grabs my arm. She tugs on me gently, but I can’t remove my eyes from the man who is so sad, and standing, suddenly, too far away from me.

He looks like he wants to walk towards me to comfort me, but is uncertain at best. I wonder if I look the same way to him, because that’s exactly how I feel right now.

I’m simply a mess of uncertainty, but yet calmed with his presence, even if he’s out of my reach.

“What? Why?” I somehow tear my gaze from Zack when she asks. I see her off to my side look back to Zack and then to me. “Crap. If I would have known…”

I rest my other hand on top of hers that is still holding onto mine. “It’s okay, Mia.”

My voice is just above a whisper, but sounds stronger than I have felt in a week. I know it’s because Zack is here, eyeing me with the same passion he did before I left. And he’s just waiting; patiently, like he always does for me.

I love him.

I begin to feel it flow in me and through me and maybe even out of me, reaching out to him. Slowly, I’m able to tear my gaze away from his, for just a split second and to Mia.

“I’m okay. I’ll tell you about it later. But first,” I say and turn back to Zack. I offer him the smallest, weakest smile I have. He sighs heavily and I see massive amounts of tension leave his body while relief fills the features on his face. He takes one step towards me, and then another, slowly, cautiously. My smile grows a fraction with each step he takes. “I have someone I need him to meet.”

She eyes me, curiously, for a few seconds but doesn’t ask

“I’m going to go,” she whispers softly. Neither of us acknowledge her as she turns and leaves and offers up a quick wave with one hand.

“Hey.” I think it sounds just as pathetic as it did the last time Zack showed up at my condo. The memory makes me smile. “Is this going to become a habit?”

At his confusion, I explain. “You calling Mia and showing up at my place?”

He chuckles softly and reaches out one hand like he wants to touch me, but pulls it back just as quick. I stop him. I need to feel him. I need to feel the warmth that only he can offer. I grab his hand in mine, and hold it there between us. He eyes our hands, entwined in between us and then back to me.

“That depends. Are you going to make a habit of running away?”

His deep voice hits me like a tidal wave and I want to collapse into his arms immediately. I didn’t know how much I had missed it until I hear it.

Absolutely not, because as crazy as it sounds and as quickly as it’s happened, I am completely, irrevocably in love with the man before me.

I shake my head. He’s what I want. He’s been what I wanted since I left his bus in Philadelphia and I can’t believe he’s here.

“I’m not letting you walk away from me again.” His voice is gruff when he speaks. I feel overwhelmed by the emotion I see in his face. I can see it all. His pain from me leaving, the love he has for me, the patience that he’ll wait until I’m ready.

I see it all in a span of a few moments and all I want to do is tell him that I’m sorry for ever leaving and it will never happen again, regardless of how scared I get. I want to tell him I feel the exact same way. But I have one more thing to do first, and I want him with me.

“I don’t want to.” It’s the absolute truth. “I was just on my way out. Will you come with me?”

He pulls me to him slowly and wraps one arm around my waist. He holds me for a second and then looks down at me and smiles.

One side of his lips twitch and an eyebrow raises. I’ve missed this grin.

“I’ll go anywhere you want. But I think we need to talk.”

I nod. Yes, we do; definitely. But this is more important. “We will. But I want to introduce you to someone first.”

He eyes me warily, obviously wondering who could be so important for him to meet before we can talk about what’s going on between us. I’m thankful when he doesn’t ask. I don’t know if I can tell him. I have to show him. Instead of asking, he simply turns around and we start walking towards my garage.

***

The twenty minute drive is completely silent. There is so much I want to say, so much I need to say. I want to tell him about Natalie, about Sarah. About me trying to let that fear go, but I can’t. I will tell him everything after this.

He stiffens next to me when we drive through the metal archway and I watch him, trying to decipher what he’s thinking right now. He’s completely unreadable and silent as we exit my car and start walking. Without even realizing what I’m doing, I reach out and take his hand, interlocking our fingers together. He doesn’t resist, but neither of us say a word.

I stop once we reach the spot I need to be. The area is slightly shaded by an old maple tree. I picked their resting place because of it. It feels peaceful and calm sitting underneath the towering maple. In the summer, their plots are completely shaded in the hot afternoon sun. Today, the tree is bare, but the leaves cover their graves in a blanket of bright, fire red that sets the whole area alive with color. It’s how I want to remember them; completely alive.

I squeeze Zack’s hand gently and look to him before raising my other hand towards their head stones.

“Meet Mark and Andrew.” I don’t even get the words out before the tears fall from my eyes. They freeze almost instantly on my cheeks. I close my eyes and bite the inside of my cheek, painfully, because I have no idea what else to say.

I’m standing here next to the man I love, who I don’t know how to be with, introducing him to the man I first loved and don’t know how to say good-bye to.

His eyes stay on me. I can feel them even though mine are closed…too scared to open them, afraid of what I will see in them. I have no idea how long we stand there, me silently trying not to cry, when he squeezes my hand.

I need him to hear what I have to say, to listen to the words I haven’t been able to speak to him.

“I went to a concert with Mia a few weeks ago. And I met someone. You would love him, Mark. I can see your eyes shining now, your dimples and your smile right now even thinking about how happy you would look knowing I just spent the last two weeks on tour with Zack Walters and his band. And I played the keyboard with them. You would have absolutely loved it.” I choke back a sob and continue. The entire time, Zack’s hand is gripping mine.

“I love him, Mark. I love him more than anything, and at the same time, I still love you. And I miss you and Andrew every single day. I have no idea how to be with him because I’m so terrified that being with him, saying yes to him means I’m saying good-bye to you, and to Andrew. And I don’t know how. I know you would want me to move on and be happy. I know you would want me to smile and laugh and dance to music like we always used to. I just don’t know how to love him and hold on to you at the same time.”

I take one step forward and collapse on my knees on the cold ground in front of their graves and sob into my hands.

Because this is what I was afraid of.

It wasn’t the paparazzi or the pictures or the groupies or the gossip. Ultimately, I realize that in this moment, I’m terrified about forgetting them. About someday, forgetting how Andrew could make anyone fall in love with him just by smiling with his pudgy cheeks. I’m terrified that given too much time, and too much distance, I’ll completely forget how his little hand fit perfectly into mine and how his body was always so warm snuggled up next to mine. I’ll forget his first word or his favorite toy. And I don’t want to forget any of it. I want to remember every single second I ever had with both of them.

I kneel there, sobbing, until my knees and shins are completely frozen. I’m shaking so hard from the cold my teeth are chattering. My cheeks have become a sheet ice from my frozen tears.

It’s only when Zack kneels next to me, placing an arm around my back and pulls me into chest that I realize how frozen I am because he feels as warm as always. I sob harder as we both sit there; me draped across his lap, his arms around my back holding me tight against him. He slowly rocks back and forth, letting me get out all my fears to the people I love more than anything.

His voice breaks when he speaks. “I don’t want you to forget them, Nicole. They’re a part of you and they always will be. I’m not asking you to let them go, I just want you to make room for me, too.”

I soak in his words and slowly, bring my face to look at his. His eyes glisten with unshed tears. “You’ll tell me about them every day, and if you forget, I’ll ask. I want to know them. I want to know who you were with them. I want to know everything about you, the good, the bad, and the past.”

I shake my head. “I don’t know if I can give you my whole heart Zack. They have so much of it already.”

He presses a fierce kiss onto my forehead; his voice thick and rough. “If you can give me half as much as I love you, it will be more than enough.”

We sit there until the sun starts to set. Both of us sit in complete silence except for our tears that get wiped away and the occasional sniffle. Eventually, he pulls me up and I stand there, facing him, my body pressed against him and I realize that I want all of this. I want to keep loving Mark and Andrew, and love Zack.

I want it to be possible. I need it to be.

I cry again. I can’t help it. Mia was right. The rest of all my worries between us are insignificant. Where we live, how we see each other; none of it matters. The only thing that matters is that we love each other.