chapter Eight
Gavin took only one step between his truck and Denali Adventures before Scott Travis pointed down the street. He was grinning.
Gavin didn’t have to look to know where Scott was pointing. The sign read Saloon in big red letters, but that was to keep up with the old-fashioned feel of the restored main street storefronts. The locals always had and always would call it The Hub.
It only took a second for his eyes to adjust to the dim light inside the bar.
Nick, the bartender, pointed to the table by the jukebox, but Gavin didn’t need Nick to tell him where Allie was. He found her immediately.
For one thing, he was always incredibly aware of her, wherever they were. For another, there were only four other people in the place and none of them were female. Jack and Dodger were on their regular stools—which meant it was after ten a.m. The other two were twentysomethings from out of town. Gavin knew almost everyone in Bend—all eight hundred and sixty-two of them—and he’d never seen these guys before.
They looked from him to Allie, and Gavin figured they’d been paying attention to her since she’d walked in.
The fact that they sat three tables away told Gavin they either hadn’t made a move yet, or they’d been shot down. He was good with either scenario.
“Tequila with a straw?” he asked, taking the chair across the tiny table from Allie.
She seemed to be brooding. “Sprite,” she told him, stirring the clear liquid in her glass with the straw.
“Hard to get liquored up with no liquor,” he commented.
She shrugged. “Knew I wouldn’t be able to find my way back to your house sauced and knew Lydia wouldn’t come for me.”
She had a point.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Well, it’s official. I can’t have any fun without you.”
“Glad to hear it.” And he was. He loved being the one to make her smile.
She sighed heavily. “Yeah, but now you want to be all serious—not fun anymore. So where’s that leave me?”
“I don’t want to just be fun,” he corrected.
“You said you wanted to be my vegetables,” she reminded him.
“And vegetables aren’t fun?” He sounded like an idiot, but she’d started this.
“Vegetables are an analogy,” she said.
“Thank god.”
“Vegetables are the serious stuff in life. That stuff that you have to deal with, even if you don’t want to. And the fun stuff is…chocolate frosting. It’s not necessary, it’s extra, but it’s wonderful.” She stirred her soda again, seeming lost in thought. “Given the choice, ninety-five percent of people would pick chocolate frosting over broccoli any day.”
He frowned. “And I’m the broccoli and you’re in that ninety-five percent?”
She looked up. “No. I’m the broccoli.”
Now he was confused. “What am I?”
“You’re like carrot cake. A little bit of both.”
He smiled. “Do you like carrot cake?”
She gave him a sad smile. “Love it.”
Surprise rocked through him. He’d been working on the assumption that all of the emotions—including love—that they’d always freely talked about were still there. He’d heard her sing that she’d always love him. But she hadn’t actually said it, until now.
He reached out and took her hand. “What am I missing here?” he asked, sensing there was something. “I’m both good for you and fun. What’s the problem?”
“I’m the broccoli,” she said again. “And I can’t be chocolate frosting.”
“Then I’ll be enough for both of us.”
She shook her head. “What about my brothers, Dad, Josh, everyone?”
Gavin decided that he could happily live to age one hundred and twenty-seven and never hear Josh Brewster’s name again. Ever.
“They need…” he prompted.
“Fun stuff, sweet stuff that’s just good, not only what’s good for them. But I’m broccoli. They put up with me because they do need me, but I’m not fun. They wouldn’t pick me.”
Okay, this was one of those moments he pretty much sucked at. He’d really rather go get her a can of frosting and a giant spoon and hope she’d feel better, but he knew he needed to say something. Something good.
“You could be frosting, Al.” He wanted to be more broccoli-ish, himself. If he could do that, Allie could be more dessert-ish. Maybe.
She was serious. A worrier. An organizer. It was how she was wired. And there was nothing wrong with that. Unless she felt like there was.
“I don’t know,” she said. “Chocolate frosting is a lot to ask of broccoli.”
“Well, how about you start with something smaller,” he said with a smile. “Like whipped cream. Or even sprinkles. And work up to the frosting.”
She thought about that—with an expression that was way more serious than a discussion about dessert toppings called for.
“Stop overthinking,” he told her. “That would be a good start.”
She wet her lips and nodded, then got up and held out her hand. “I’m going to practice on you.”
He shoved his chair back and took her hand. “Happy to help.” He had no idea what this was going to entail, but he was ready and willing.
She led him to the parking lot and stopped beside his truck. It wasn’t hard to find. It was one of five trucks in the parking lot.
Gavin dug in his pocket for his keys.
“Do you remember Tim Carlson’s party?” Allie asked.
He dropped the keys.
He stared at her. Did he remember her suddenly pulling him into the kitchen and going down on him in the corner, regardless of the fact that there was a houseful of people coming and going from the room?
“Um…yeah.”
“That was pretty chocolate-frosting-like, don’t you think?”
Jesus. Gavin closed his eyes and sucked a breath in through his nose. That had been chocolate frosting, whipped cream and sprinkles. With a cherry on top.
“Yeah. I’d say,” he choked out, looking at her again. “Definitely chocolate-frosting-like.”
She stepped close. “I’m in the mood for more. Right now.”
She ran her hand up and down over his fly. The semi-erection he had going from just the mention of that near-public blow job surged fully to life.
“We almost got caught,” she said, stroking him again.
Almost. Gavin gave a hoarse chuckle. Three guys had walked in on them, seen what was going on and left with huge grins. “No one stayed to watch, but we definitely got caught, babe,” he told her.
Her eyes widened and her pupils dilated. “Really?”
“The whole party knew how lucky I was that night.”
She pressed harder against the hard length behind his zipper and Gavin groaned. Did the idea of being seen like that turn her on?
She unsnapped and unzipped him before he could complete the thought—or even his next breath.
“How many people saw us?” she asked, slipping her hand inside the denim and cotton.
Her bare hand against him knocked the rest of the air out of his lungs.
“You never told me,” she went on, stroking him as she spoke. “Did you like that they saw me doing that to you? Because the idea of someone watching me suck on you and lick you, seeing how much I want you, what I’m willing to do to please you, makes me hot, Gavin.”
He grew harder in her hand and she smiled up at him slyly, clearly noticing.
“You kind of like it too, huh? You’d like for people to see what we do to each other.” She looked down. “Let me do it here, Gavin. Just like this.”
The woman he loved and wanted more than anything was begging to give him a blow job?
Was he an idiot?
He cupped the back of her head, staring into her eyes. “You want that, Allie? You want someone to come by and see what you do to me?”
She licked her lips. “Yes,” she said breathlessly. “I want them to see how much I want you, how I’m willing to do anything, anywhere.”
He kissed her roughly, his heart pounding and his cock throbbing. Then, still holding the back of her head with his hand in her hair, he looked up and down Main Street. Bend didn’t even have—or need—a stoplight on their main drag. There simply wasn’t enough traffic to pose a threat. The tourists mostly stayed on the east end of Main, but they occasionally wandered down here. They definitely could get caught.
He looked back at Allie. She was watching him, her eyes hot, her bottom lip caught between her teeth. “Tim’s party was a little less of a risk,” he reminded her.
She swallowed hard. “I know.”
He looked deeply into her eyes. She was totally turned on. Gavin shook his head. “I didn’t know this was a fantasy. I would have let the guys watch back then. I know they would have gladly stayed.”
She gave him a naughty smile. “Sounds fun, doesn’t it?”
He groaned. Turning Allie on was fun.
“Would you have wanted them to get involved?” He had no idea what he’d do with an answer of yes, but watching her breath catch was worth asking. He’d never been into sharing women and sincerely doubted he’d be able to share Allie, but he asked anyway.
She shook her head. “No. Not that. Just the watching. And it’s just a fantasy. You’re all I need or want. But the idea of showing the world that I’m all yours makes me…” her eyes dropped to where her hand was still in his pants, then back to meet his gaze, “…hot. And wet.”
Gavin coughed as want swept over him.
Well, who was he to argue with that? Watching her eyes sparkle like they were now was irresistible. Even without knowing about the hot and wet part.
They were on the far side of the truck. Yes, they could get caught, but it was unlikely anyone would really see anything. They might assume a lot—but Gavin could definitely live with that. And even if they did see something—even everything—he wasn’t so sure he’d mind that either. Having Allie want him like this was addictive. Addiction made people do crazy things.
His fingers curled gently into her scalp and his eyes met hers as he pressed just enough to encourage her to go to her knees in front of him.
They both moaned as she complied. Her hands went eagerly to his pants, tugging his fly open and pushing his briefs out of her way. He wasn’t fully exposed—that was the one drawback to public sex, he supposed. Well, that and the risk of arrest, of course. But Allie didn’t let his clothes slow her down. On her knees in the soft dirt outside The Hub, she took the head of his cock in her mouth without hesitation.
He grabbed for the rearview mirror to stay upright.
She licked up and down his length, swirled her tongue over the tip and then sucked him into her mouth again. The wet heat of her mouth was amazing all by itself, but Gavin couldn’t lie—that she was on her knees in the parking lot made it even hotter.
He moved just enough to thrust in and out a few times, just enough to have heat racing through him from his cock to his toes. But he had no intention of finishing that way—or even going any further. When he hauled her to her feet, she protested and he shook his head. “You want more?”
She smiled and licked her lips. “You make me wanton.”
“Happy to hear it.” He spun her to face the truck and tucked himself back in, but didn’t try to zip over his painfully hard erection that would probably just get worse here in a minute.
“Brace yourself,” he whispered hoarsely in her ear.
She put her hands on the side of the truck, palms flat, a shiver going through her body.
He gathered her hair to one side, exposing her neck. He kissed along the sensitive skin behind her ear to the spot where it curved into her shoulder, then he bit down gently.
She gasped, her hips wiggling against his groin. He was already hard, but that friction made him suck in a quick breath. He settled one hand on her hip to keep her still. He was going to drive her crazy but had to keep his own cool.
The truck was parked so that anyone coming out the front door of The Hub could see them. They’d be able to see the way he slid his hand up under her shirt to palm her breast, the way she arched into him, the way her head fell back when he played with her nipple.
Of course, there weren’t many people in Bend who came to The Hub this early. Still…
“Someone could walk out at any minute,” he said gruffly as he tugged on her right nipple.
“I know,” she gasped. But she definitely didn’t try to pull away. Her breathing was ragged.
He lifted her shirt, exposing the left cup of her bra. The air wasn’t cool, but she shivered and Gavin grinned. He pulled the cup down and she moaned.
“The next person to come out will see all of this,” he reminded her, fueling the fantasy—that could be quite real at any moment. He rolled her nipple between thumb and forefinger.
She moaned again, louder.
“They’ll see how gorgeous you are, how much you love having my hands on you, how hot I make you.”
She looked toward the door, nearly panting.
“You really do love this, don’t you?” he asked, actually surprised.
She shook her head but she made no move to cover up.
“I didn’t know you were an exhibitionist.” He didn’t mind. He hadn’t known he was an exhibitionist either, but he suddenly didn’t care if a crowd gathered. He wouldn’t mind if the whole town saw this gorgeous, amazing woman pleasuring him and letting him have her body however he wanted it. He felt like a f*cking king. Even more, he wanted the world to know that he was the guy she let close, let touch her, who brought out the lust in her, made her wild. Allie was coming apart in his hands. They could put that on national TV if they wanted to.
“I didn’t know I was either,” she whispered back to him. “But…”
He moved his free hand to the front of her jeans and unsnapped and unzipped. “I have to feel how hot you are.”
She moved her feet further apart and he smiled. He slipped his hand in front of her jeans, past the silk of her panties and down into the wet heat that proved she was right with him.
Her head dropped forward as he slid his finger in and out, then up over her *.
“Gavin,” she groaned.
He slid his finger deep, stroking long and slow, pressing his erection against her butt. He felt her clench around his finger and knew she was thinking about being watched.
“Damn.” He stroked over her * again and thumbed her nipple. “You want to have spectators, Al?” He growled. “’Cause I’ll take you back in there and lay you out on the pool table and f*ck you in front of everyone if it will make you scream.”
Her muscles clenched again and she gasped. He had no idea she had this fantasy. Would he really do something like that? He wasn’t sure. It would definitely push his boundaries, but if it made Allie happy, he’d consider it.
“Maybe I should just call the guys out here?”
She pressed back against him, breathing faster.
“Those young guys could stand right over there on the porch,” he said huskily. “They would be able to see your nipple, see my fingers stroking you, see the way you spread your legs for me and the way you beg me for more.”
Her breathing grew choppy and he felt her grow hotter and wetter.
“They could watch me get you off just like this. Or,” he said against her neck, “I could strip you down, open my fly and thrust into you from behind. I could make you come around my cock instead while they stroke themselves, watching you lose your mind right here against my truck.”
Allie cried out, clenching around his fingers, her orgasm making her whole body tremble.
After she went completely stiff, she slumped forward, her forearms on the edge of the truck bed, her head on her arms, breathing hard.
Gavin slipped his hand from her jeans and pulled the cup of her bra to cover her before letting her shirt fall back into place.
“Home. Now,” he said. Jerking the truck door open and practically throwing her onto the seat before jogging to the driver’s side. They’d get his car later. He wasn’t letting her get more than an arm’s length away from him right now.
They didn’t make it even two miles. Gavin pulled over—well off the road so no one would think they’d had car trouble this time—and pulled Allie into his lap. After only a minute of fumbling with clothes, he pushed up into her.
She rode him until they came together seemingly moments later.
“Holy crap,” Allie said after she’d caught her breath.
He chuckled, stroking his hand over her hair. “Guess we’ll have to start over for the guys.”
She pulled back and grinned at him. “I appreciate the offer. But I’m good with keeping that just in my imagination.”
She climbed back into her own seat so they could have some space to readjust their clothing. As she’d needed to pull one entire leg of her jeans off, it took some time and squirming to get everything back in place.
Watching her bend and wiggle made Gavin eager to get home. It was about time he made love to her in his bed.
He shifted the truck into gear and said, “You know—we just chocolate frosting-ed the hell out of each other.”
She looked up from rebuttoning and grinned proudly. “And I started it.”
Gavin laughed. “You most certainly did.” He pulled the truck back onto the road. “In fact, I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to eat another piece of cake without getting an erection.”
But her laughter and the way she took his hand as they drove was what really got to him. That was better than sex with chocolate frosting.
And that was saying something.
They fell into a routine for the next few days that seemed just about perfect.
Allie slept late while Gavin got up and went into the clinic for patients. When she finally wandered downstairs she always found breakfast waiting for her—muffins, yogurt parfaits, and, of course, oatmeal. Lydia was never around—probably a good thing—but Allie had decided to make a truce with the girl. She went into the kitchen only for food Lydia had prepared specifically for her—she knew because there was always a piece of paper that said “Allie” beside the plate or bowl—and she tidied up when she left the room.
After breakfast she made a habit of taking a long walk on Gavin’s land. She explored hills—definitely no mountains—and the stream that ran through his property. The views were gorgeous, the air clean and the quiet and solitude restful.
Until one evening when Lydia mentioned the possibility of running across a bear.
Allie stayed a lot closer to the house after that.
At lunchtime she and Gavin would meet up in the kitchen. Lydia was generally there, preparing the salads and sandwiches and soups and starting dinner, so they didn’t have time to get too frisky. There were some stolen kisses, some sexy innuendos, even a few less-than-innocent touches when Lydia wasn’t looking, but the one time they tried to make a good excuse to go up to the bedroom together, Lydia put her foot down.
“If you’re going to have sex in the middle of the day, tell me so I can bump the patients back to two o’clock,” she said sternly.
“I don’t need two hours,” Gavin had protested with a grin.
Lydia had looked from him to Allie and said, “Sorry to hear that.”
After that, sex in the middle of the day was off the table. So to speak.
Allie spent the first afternoon around the house. But, predictably, that drove her crazy. So the next two days, she explored Bend. She checked out the bookstore, the antique shop, the sewing and craft shop, and the coffee shop/ice cream parlor.
She did yoga when she returned to the house and then read until Gavin was finished in the clinic. Then they spent the rest of the evening together—unless Gavin got called out to see a patient, which happened three of the five nights—and then made love until they fell asleep, exhausted and happy.
The following Tuesday, Allie awoke with a smile for the sixth morning in a row. She stared up at the ceiling. She’d never slept this much. Or this well. She hadn’t eaten this well or exercised this much or relaxed this much in…ever.
She stretched, feeling amazing.
That was followed by the jab of guilt, then worry, before she succeeded in stuffing those emotions down deep.
She couldn’t feel guilty about not being at home to make breakfast and organize everyone’s days. Lydia said Charlie and Danny were doing great and their dad was “fine”.
Fine.
She frowned. What did that mean exactly? Fine wasn’t bad. But it also wasn’t great.
She rolled and pushed herself out of bed. Her dad hadn’t called her. He could have easily gotten Gavin’s number from Charlie. He was clearly not worried and didn’t need to ask her how much soap to put in the washing machine or where he’d put the checkbook. Either he really was fine or he wasn’t washing clothes or paying bills.
Maybe he wasn’t calling because he hadn’t paid his phone bill and his service had been canceled.
Allie was still stubbornly avoiding her cell phone and the texts and voice mails waiting for her. Gavin said he’d told Hayley to let everyone know she was all right, and Lydia kept Charlie updated. That was good enough. Apparently for her father too.
Allie forced herself to calm down as she pulled her hair up and stepped into the shower. She wasn’t actually worried about the laundry or bills. If something happened, Charlie would ask Lydia and she’d tell him how to fix it.
Allie had walked into the kitchen two nights ago to find Lydia on the computer with Charlie. She was showing him and Danny how to put together a PowerPoint presentation.
She’d said a quick hi to her brothers and heard that Dad was “fine” again, before she completely lost their interest to the younger, cute, nonsister girl in the room.
So Lydia could take care of whatever they needed.
That was fine.
Kind of.
Trying to come up with something that Lydia couldn’t coach her intelligent-in-spite-of-how-they-act-brothers in, she almost ran the girl over.
Lydia was standing at the bottom of the stairs—did she have Allie under video surveillance or something?—holding a plate.
Allie stopped on the bottom step, literally unable to pass.
She couldn’t believe Lydia and Charlie had started up a friendship. Or whatever it was. But, strangely, since learning they were talking and that he had a new job, Allie realized she wasn’t really worried about her brothers. She was—annoyed she supposed was the best term—that they seemed to suddenly need someone they barely knew more than they needed their own sister. But there was something to be said for having the attention of a non-relative girl their age. Who was cute. Even when she wasn’t smiling. Of course, Allie had noticed that Lydia smiled a lot when she was on the computer with Charlie.
Truthfully, though, it was nice that someone was keeping track of them. And it felt nice for it not to be her.
“What’s this?” Allie indicated the plate.
“Spinach, mushroom and Swiss omelet.”
Allie’s stomach growled on cue. She checked out the breakfast. There was a side of fruit—oranges, grapes and strawberries—and a toasted English muffin too.
Allie crossed her arms. If Lydia got her all excited about the food, then said it wasn’t for Allie, she might have to smack her.
“Sounds good.”
Lydia handed her the plate. “Here.”
“Why so nice this morning?” But Allie took the plate, then stepped up two steps, out of Lydia’s reach.
“Gavin’s upset.”
Allie was prepared for a smart-ass comment, so it took her a second to process Lydia’s words. “Upset?”
Lydia nodded, looking worried. Not annoyed, not bored, not irritated, not resigned. Worried.
“What’s he upset about? And what does that have to do with my breakfast?”
The food Lydia left her every morning was delicious, but this was beyond anything she’d done so far.
“He got a call this morning,” Lydia said.
Was he upset at Lydia? If Lydia was kissing up to Allie, hoping she’d put in a good word, it was probably too little too late. Still, Allie would hear her out.
“You need to talk to him,” Lydia added.
“About what?”
“The call. Make him feel better.”
Allie looked closer at the younger girl. She was worried, but maybe not about her fate. She was worried about Gavin.
“Have you talked to him?” Allie asked. “What’s going on?”
Lydia shook her head. “Gavin and I don’t do that.”
“You don’t talk?”
“Not about serious personal stuff.”
Allie’s eyes widened. “This is personal?”
“I guess. I don’t know.” Lydia actually seemed shaken up by the whole thing. “The call was from the zoo.”
“The zoo?”
“In Anchorage. He does some work there sometimes. That’s where the bears are.”
Allie stepped down the two bottom steps. “The bears?”
Lydia rolled her eyes—well, that was more in character at least—and said, “The polar bears. The twins.”
Ah. The polar bear cubs. Right. They were at the Anchorage zoo. “What did Gavin say after the call?”
“Nothing. But he threw his coffee cup against the kitchen wall, swore and stomped off to his office.”
Allie’s gaze flew to the door to the clinic. That image worried her a little too. Gavin never really got pissed off like that. He didn’t throw things, anyway.
“Nancy tried to talk to him but he told her to leave him alone. And I’m not going in there. But someone should.”
Allie looked back to Lydia. “Me?”
“Who better?”
Allie narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “Because I might get yelled at and you’d enjoy that?”
“Because you make him happy,” Lydia said in a tone that indicated Allie was being particularly dumb. “He’s a lot happier since you’ve been here.”
Allie blinked. That was almost a compliment. From Lydia. “Wow. Saying stuff like that makes it less likely you’ll need bribes to get me in there,” Allie said, holding up the plate of eggs.
“It’s not a bribe,” Lydia said, turning back to the kitchen. “You might need the sustenance. I’ve never seen him like this and you’re kind of puny.”
Allie started to protest, then thought better of it and took two big bites of the best omelet ever made before pulling in a deep breath and starting for the hallway to the clinic. She set the plate on the counter for Lydia, wiped her palms on her pants and opened the door.
Gavin’s friend, Carter, was on the other side, also reaching for the door.
“Allie. Hi.”
“Hi, Doc.”
“How are you feeling?” he asked.
“Better. Not quite up to mountain climbing, but better.”
He smiled. “I heard you started lessons.”
Lord, Bend was faster on the grapevine than Promise Harbor could ever hope to be.
Of course, it was one-twentieth the size.
“One lesson. I think I’m good for now.”
“Scott’s usually able to charm everyone into at least the basic package.”
“Yeah?”
“He’s good-looking, funny…you didn’t notice?” Carter gave her a knowing smile.
Huh. She hadn’t.
Well, she’d noticed he was good-looking in a matter-of-fact kind of way. Not in a wow-he’s-good-looking way.
“Guess not.”
“Good.”
She smiled. She could tell Carter that she noticed and remembered every sigh, smile and kiss from Gavin. But instead she asked, “Did you talk to him?”
Carter shook his head. “Nancy called me after he locked his office door but he told me to f*ck off.”
“What could this be about?” she asked.
This was so not the Gavin she was used to.
“I’m guessing the twins aren’t doing well. They were pretty sick when the team brought them in and they are, after all, wild animals. Survival of the fittest and all. They wouldn’t have made it in the wild, but this was a gamble too.”
Allie pressed her hand over her heart. “What was wrong with them?”
“They’d been orphaned,” Carter said with a shrug. “They were starving to death when Gavin found them. Some of the team tried to talk him out of bringing them in, but he insisted and convinced the zoo to try to rehab them.”
Allie blew out a long breath. Okay, that was the Gavin she knew and loved.
And now the tables were turned. Gavin needed her now. She could do this.
She just wished she knew if he needed broccoli or chocolate frosting at the moment.
She knocked on the door to his office, remembering Lydia’s words about Allie making him happy.
Whether she’d meant it as a pep talk or not, it did help when he bellowed, “Just leave me the f*ck alone, Carter.”
She cleared her throat. “It’s me.”
There was a long pause with no sound. Then the door swung open. She started to smile, but couldn’t do it as she looked into his face. She knew how it felt to look like he did.
She also knew exactly what he meant about not knowing what to say.
So she just stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him.
He caught her to him, holding tight, his nose in her hair, breathing deep.
She just held him, wracking her brain for words and coming up with nothing.
Finally, he pulled back. She hated the look of sadness in his eyes. “What happened?”
“One of the twins died,” he said.
Her heart ached for him. “I’m sorry.” She kept her arms around him.
He gave a humorless laugh. “It’s stupid to be this upset. Especially compared to—”
“No,” she cut in, “it’s not stupid.”
“But your mom—”
“Gavin, it’s okay for you to be sad about this. It doesn’t have anything to do with my mom.”
He pulled her fully against him again and just breathed.
They stood like that for a couple of minutes, until Gavin said, “Go away, Carter.”
“So, you’re okay?” his friend asked from behind Allie.
“Yes.”
Then Carter said simply, “You got it.”
The door swung shut and Gavin pulled back. “I’m okay.”
“You sure?” She felt very inadequate. She had no words, no way to make this better.
“It was mostly just a surprise,” he said, pushing his hand through his hair. “I called down to arrange to take you behind the scenes to meet the bears when we go for the festival. The zoo stays open late that night and has some stuff going on for the public, but I wasn’t sure who’d be there and if they’d let me in if they didn’t know me. I figured Dr. Thompson could make the arrangements ahead of time for us to get our hands on the girls.”
It must have hit him that he wasn’t going to be able to do that again with one of them. He sucked in a shaky breath and Allie knew exactly the stab of pain he was feeling. Those moments when the truth snuck up and smacked her really sucked.
“You want to talk about it?” she asked.
She was fine if he didn’t. If he did…hell, she had no idea what to say or do in that case. Damn.
This really was hard. She felt a new sympathy for all the people who’d tried to be sensitive to her and her family.
He shrugged. “Not too much to say. It was a risk from day one. I knew that.”
He looked at his desk. The scrapbook she’d looked at the other day was laid out on top.
“Knowing it doesn’t make it less painful,” she said. “Sometimes people think that it’s easier when you can plan for it, but when they’re gone, they’re gone. That still hurts like hell.”
He was watching her intently, his hands in his pockets. “Do you think about her all the time?”
Allie nodded. “Every day. But it’s at weird times now. Like I’ll think of how much she liked something or wonder what she’d think of something.”
“I’m really sorry she’s gone.” The sincerity in his voice caused an instant lump in her throat.
But this was supposed to be about him. She wanted to make him feel better. “What can I do?” she asked. “You want to go to Anchorage?” That had been the plan for after lunch.
He shook his head. “Nah. There’s nothing I can do there. I’m going to…work.” He gestured toward the door. “I’ll probably talk to one of my team members later and let her know what happened to Allie.”
Allie pulled up tall. “Who?”
He gave her a rueful smile. “Mandy and I found the twins so we each got to name one. I named mine Allie.”
She was strangely touched by that. And strangely jealous of Mandy. She’d be able to truly share this with Gavin. She might even know the right thing to say or do to make him feel better.
“I have a couple things to do in the clinic, then I’ll come find you. Maybe we can go out.”
“Sure, whatever you want,” she said.
He smoothed a hand over her hair. “Thanks. You make me feel better.”
She gave him a bright, fake smile and headed for the house.
What a bunch of crap, the thought as she walked away. She hadn’t done one thing to help him or make him feel better.
She paced into the kitchen, slamming the door behind her.
“What happened?” Lydia asked, immediately more attentive to Allie than she’d ever been.
“Nothing.” Allie slumped onto a kitchen stool. “I hugged him and told him I was sorry.”
“He let you in,” Lydia pointed out. “That’s good.”
“Big deal.” Allie scowled at the floor.
“Just being there made him feel better,” Lydia told her confidently.
“Oh, sure, my magical healing powers,” Allie scoffed. She hadn’t been on this side of this stuff before. Certainly never with Gavin. As they’d talked about before, they didn’t do this stuff. She got stressed out and Gavin made her have fun. That was their recipe for—everything.
Lydia frowned at her. “You don’t think someone can make you feel better just by being there?”
Allie shrugged. She wanted to do something for him, somehow give him something he needed.
Was this how he’d always felt? Like just being there wasn’t enough? That there had to be some action, some effort, some gesture?
And was it true? If he’d just been there and held her and listened to her talk it out, would that have been enough?
Possibly. But she wasn’t sure. They just hadn’t tried it that way.
“It happens,” Lydia said firmly. “Just knowing someone wants you to feel better can help.”
“Well, that makes me feel pretty damned helpless.”
Lydia nodded. “I think that’s part of the deal.”
“The deal?”
“Loving someone.”
Allie stared at the girl. Lydia was studying the countertop with fierce concentration. “What about loving someone?”
“I think feeling helpless sometimes makes you realize how much you care. When you want to help them so damned bad but can’t…makes you think of all the things you’d be willing to do if you could. And when you realize what’s on that list, you realize how much you love them.”
Allie swallowed hard. “What was on your list with your mom, Lydia?”
She looked up, not seeming surprised Allie knew she’d been talking about her mom. “I would have taken her place,” she said without hesitation. “The surgery, the chemo, the whole thing.”
Emotions slammed into Allie. Chemo. It had been cancer for Lydia’s mom too. Allie blew out a breath. She knew those emotions well—that clawing need in her gut to fix things, to save her mom, to do something.
And now Gavin.
“Think about it,” Lydia said. “If we could fix everything, we’d never understand how far we’d be willing to go. And I think that’s a good thing to know.”
Allie nodded. She had to. Lydia was right.
The need to protect everyone she loved all the time still burned deep down and always would, she was sure. She’d never be able to fix it all. No one could. But being willing to do everything in her power to make it better mattered.
It mattered to her that Gavin had done that for her. She’d always known that he’d do everything he could, anything she asked. It hadn’t fixed it all. But it had mattered that he tried.
And now more than ever, she understood his need to try.
“Do we have any Froot Loops?” she asked Lydia.
Lydia looked surprised. “Um, yeah. Gavin just asked me to get some the other day.”
“Perfect. We won’t need lunch.”
“But—”
“Lydia,” Allie said, finally putting her foot down. “He’s mine to take care of. He needs Froot Loops right now and you’re just gonna have to get over it.”
Lydia pressed her lips together. Then finally gave Allie a nod. “Okay.”