chapter Eleven
To her credit, Devon just got in the car without argument or question. In fact, neither said a word as Allie drove. Even when they pulled up at the cemetery, Devon didn’t balk. She accompanied Allie to her mother’s grave, clutching the bottle of tequila tightly against her stomach.
Allie stopped in front of her mom’s headstone and finally took a deep breath.
She’d visited every week since the funeral. She’d been there the day before her wedding.
It still felt like it had been a long time.
She pulled in another breath.
Probably because things had changed so much since she’d last been here.
“Okay, I’m gonna need a shot,” Allie said.
Devon thrust the bottle toward her.
“Hang on.” Allie dug the shot glasses from her purse and handed one to Devon. “Remember these?”
Devon took the glass and looked at it, then lifted her gaze to Allie’s. “Are these from the Cinderella night?”
Allie grinned. “Yep.” They were the souvenirs from a masquerade party hosted by a sorority on Allie’s campus on one of the weekends when Devon had been visiting. They had easily snuck in and mingled without anyone knowing that they didn’t belong. They’d danced, drunk champagne, and both had been kissed on the veranda. Since they couldn’t take the frat guys with them, Allie had swiped the shot glasses off of a table on their way out.
Devon finally relaxed and smiled too. “I can’t believe you still have them.”
“We had some good times, huh?” Allie poured tequila into Devon’s glass, then her own.
“We had a ton of good times,” Devon said.
Allie had to swallow hard before she raised her glass. “Here’s to having good people to have good times with.”
Devon looked like she was blinking back tears, but she clinked her glass against Allie’s and they tipped the liquor back simultaneously.
Allie felt the fire burn down her throat and shook her head, then focused on her mom’s name carved into the stone.
“Do you think my mom ever had any fun?” she asked without looking at Devon.
“Um…I’m sure she did.”
Allie nodded. “Probably. Maybe before Dad’s accident.”
She really mostly remembered her mom working hard and being insanely busy. She remembered Lily smiling and laughing, but she didn’t remember her parents ever sitting on the couch just watching a movie together, or dancing together in the living room, or making out in the kitchen. She also knew her mom hadn’t had any girls’ nights out, or even a girlfriend over for margaritas and manicures.
“Your mom was a great lady,” Devon said quietly.
Allie nodded. “Definitely.” She poured another shot for each of them. Then she lifted hers toward her mom’s headstone. “I love you, Mom. You did a lot of great things. And in a lot of ways I want to be like you. But you weren’t perfect, and I don’t want to do things exactly the way you did.”
Devon said nothing—she just drank. Allie couldn’t blame her.
Allie poured again. “My mom wanted to take care of everyone, but she took too much care of them. My brothers don’t know how to make things happen for themselves, my dad needs someone to make him scrambled eggs—eggs, Devon, the easiest thing in the world to make—and no one in this town knows how to organize a fundraiser. Because Mom always did all of it. And she almost needed to. I think that maybe it was more about her than the people she was helping, you know?”
“Maybe,” Devon said quietly. “Being important to people could be hard to give up.”
Allie nodded. “I wish I knew for sure that she’d had some fun.”
She felt Devon’s arm wrap around her waist and give her a half hug. “I’m sure she had fun, sweetie.”
Allie’s eyes filled. “Maybe. I hope so. But I’m not sure she ever realized that fun isn’t really like chocolate frosting.”
She had just realized it. Getting back into her real world had made her realize that if she was going to have some silly times and enjoy things, she was now going to have to make it happen. It was easy to let the not-perfect things get to her and it was easy to focus on the negative. Being happy, appreciating her life, was on her. No one else was in charge of making those things happen.
“Chocolate frosting?” Devon asked, pulling away slightly to look into Allie’s face. “What’s that mean?”
“I’ve realized that having fun with people you love isn’t an indulgence—like chocolate frosting—it’s a necessity. Like broccoli. Not sure Mom ever got that.”
Devon took the tequila bottle and filled their glasses again. “It’s never too late. She’s here with us, so let’s show her how it’s done.”
They toasted and drank again and then Devon kicked off her shoes and headed for Allie’s car. She started the engine and rolled down the windows, then cranked the radio.
For the next thirty minutes, they danced and sang and drank tequila.
Too much tequila.
Eventually they found themselves lying in the grass behind Lily’s headstone, holding their sides from laughing.
“My head is spinning,” Devon groaned.
“Yeah, f*cking tequila,” Allie agreed.
Never would she have imagined saying the word “f*cking” at her mother’s grave site. Still, she kind of wished she and her mom had maybe drunk too much tequila together just once.
They’d been mother and daughter. Partners in taking care of everyone around them. Mentor and student, to some extent. But they’d never been friends.
Allie rolled her head to the side to look at Devon. She let the dizziness pass, then said, “Want to talk about boys?”
Devon looked over and grinned. “Sure.”
“I’m madly in love with Gavin.”
“I’m madly in love with Josh.”
They both smiled stupidly for a moment, not sure what else to say. “We’re gonna have to practice this,” Allie said. “We need to be able to give better details than that.”
“Details like sex?” Devon asked.
“Right. Definitely.” She supposed. “Hell, I don’t know. You were my last really good girlfriend and it’s been awhile.”
Devon reached over and touched Allie’s arm. “We can get back there, right?”
“Yeah.” She was sure they could. Why not? There was nothing keeping them apart now. “But we need to go to the bar and just hang out and listen to other girls talk so we know how to do this. They talk about sex, don’t they?”
Devon laughed. “I’m sure it depends on the girls.”
“Well, if you’re worried that it will be awkward talking about sex with Josh…” Allie thought about that. “Okay, it might be. At first. But we’ll work it out. Maybe we can refer to him as Ryan Reynolds and that will help.”
Devon snorted again. “It won’t hurt. And we’ll call Gavin Ryan Gosling.”
“Awesome,” Allie agreed. “Ryans all around.”
They laughed, then lay there staring up at the blue sky. Finally, Allie rolled and pushed herself up to sitting, instantly regretting it. “Oh, boy, we shouldn’t have made that last toast to Jimmy Buffet.”
“Yeah.” Devon also made her way into a sitting position. And groaned. “But you can’t really drink and sing without Jimmy Buffet, you know?”
“Good point.”
“Maybe we should’ve stopped toasting back when we were talking about my shoes.”
Allie looked at Devon’s shoes. “No, those are awesome. Toast-worthy. And I know girlfriends talk about shoes.”
She carefully pushed herself to standing. “But speaking of drinking and sex and singing…I want to call Gavin.”
Devon struggled to her feet as well. “He came back with you, right?”
Allie felt the pain of that jab her in the center of her chest and spread. “Yeah. But…”
Was he really going to stay? Was this just a visit, an attempt to show her what he was willing to do for her? But what about when things settled down again—as much as they ever did? He had a life in Alaska.
“But?” Devon asked.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen.”
Devon gave her a small smile before she stepped forward and hugged her. “I know that not knowing and not being in control are hard for you, but I think it’s a good thing.”
“Yeah?” Allie sniffed. “How?” She pulled back and wiped the tears.
“You’re willing to try it with him anyway. You’re outside your comfort zone for him. That’s good.”
Allie stared at her. She sure was. Gavin was outside his comfort zone for her too and it was good. “Do you think that just being there for someone can be enough? Like, not really doing anything or fixing anything but just being there?” she asked, thinking about Lydia’s words when Allie had felt so helpless to do something for Gavin.
Devon looked around the cemetery, “Well, what exactly am I doing right now except being here?”
Allie thought about that, then nodded slowly. “Okay. You’re good.”
Devon laughed. Then nudged Allie’s arm, “You could call him. Just tell him you need him.”
She wanted to. She really wanted to.
She reached into her pocket for her phone and realized she didn’t have it.
“Phone’s in the car.” She took a step forward and the ground wobbled. “Oh, boy.” She grabbed Devon’s arm. “I could not pass a sobriety test right now.”
Devon laughed. “That’s because you’re not sober.”
“Neither are you.”
Devon grabbed Allie’s arm as she tried to head for the car.
“In our defense, there’s a slight incline here.”
“Yep, I’m sure that’s the problem.”
They looked at each other and burst out laughing.
“’Kay, let’s try that again,” Allie said, still chuckling.
Holding on to one another they proceeded carefully down the—albeit very slight—hill toward the car.
Devon’s phone was ringing as they opened the door. She grabbed it from her purse. “Hi, Josh.”
Allie froze. How was Josh going to feel about her and Devon renewing their friendship? More, how was he going to feel about the Allie getting Devon drunk in the graveyard within an hour of that renewal?
“I’m fine,” Devon said, too loudly. “Just fine.”
Her eyes widened as she listened to Josh. Then she covered the mouthpiece with her hand and asked in a whisper—a loud whisper—“Am I slurring my words?”
She definitely slurred the word slurred.
“Yes. Pull it together,” Allie told her, pointing at her nose. “I don’t need him mad at me for something new.”
Devon frowned and asked Josh, “You’re not mad at Allie, are you?”
She listened, then smiled.
“He’s not mad at you,” she told Allie. Then she frowned again and said into the phone, “Yes, I’m with Allie.” She paused. “At the cemetery.”
Allie groaned. Josh was so coming to the cemetery. She knew him. He’d be concerned. He’d be here to check on them.
And there was no way they could hide that they were drunk.
Allie only half listened to Devon try to assure Josh they were both fine. It wouldn’t matter. He was still coming.
It wasn’t a horrible idea, of course. They could use a ride. Neither of them should be driving.
Devon hung up a moment later and Allie leaned back against the car.
“He’s on his way,” Devon said, leaning next to her.
“I know.” Allie sighed. “Is he going to be weird about you and me being friends?”
“No.” Devon shook her head adamantly, then closed her eyes and groaned. When she opened her eyes again, she refrained from shaking or nodding and simply said, “He’s happy about it.”
“Until you puke in his car,” Allie said with a chuckle, more relieved than she’d expected to know that Josh would be okay with her friendship with Devon. It had only been an hour and she already felt like she’d be pretty devastated if it didn’t work out.
“Ah, I’ll make it up to him.”
Allie looked at her with surprise. Devon was grinning slyly.
“Now, see, that’s what I’m talking about,” Allie said, happily. “Hinting about blow jobs. That’s a nice start.”
Devon coughed. “How do you know I was thinking blow jobs specifically?”
Allie grinned. “Yeah, maybe that’s just my favorite get-out-of-jail-free card.”
Devon laughed. “This girl-talk thing is fun.”
It was. But the talk of sexual innuendos and blow jobs had her mind very firmly back on Gavin. She pushed herself off the car resignedly and leaned through the open driver’s window to grab her phone.
Flipping it open she was startled to see four new voice messages waiting for her.
She’d been home for three hours and everyone was already calling?
Yeah, that was about right.
That damned heaviness settled on her again.
Reluctantly she opened the screen to see who the calls were from.
They were all from Gavin.
Her heart sped up. That was a lot of calls. She certainly hoped he missed her, but… She hit the redial button and waited, holding her breath.
Eight rings later, it went to voice mail.
What the hell?
She snapped her phone shut.
“So he’s…” Devon started.
But Allie’s phone rang just then. It was Gavin.
“Gavin, are you okay?”
“Josh said you’re at the cemetery.”
She blinked. “Um, yeah. Josh told you?”
“Yeah. We’ve been calling back and forth trying to figure out where you girls are since you weren’t answering your phones. He just called and said you were at the cemetery with Devon.”
“Oh. I am. He’s on the way.”
“Me too.”
“You are?”
He sighed heavily in her ear. “Allison, the whole call-me-if-you-need-anything bit definitely includes going with you to the cemetery.”
She shook her head and immediately thought she was going to lose what little food she’d had. She gave in to her body’s urge to sit down—quickly—and slumped to the curb, burying her face in her hands.
“Allie?” Gavin said in her ear. His voice was husky. “Are you okay?”
“Actually, I’m drunk,” she admitted.
“You’re drunk?” he repeated. “I thought you were at the cemetery.”
“We are.”
“You’re drunk at the cemetery?” he clarified.
“With the woman who ran off with my fiancé,” she said wryly.
He chuckled and the sound washed over her, making the heaviness lift a little. “You’re drunk and you didn’t call me to sing?”
“Actually, I was considering it,” she said. “But I couldn’t think of something dirty enough. I was just considering Kelly Clarkson’s ‘My Life Would Suck Without You’.”
There was a long pause on the other end of the phone. Then he said, “I’m on my way.”
“Just meet me at Dad’s.” She disconnected and then lay back in the grass by the curb. “I’m screwed,” she told Devon.
“Gavin will be at your dad’s?” Devon asked.
“Yep.”
“And that’s bad?”
“This whole thing is going to be hard on you.” Allie pushed up and braced herself with her hands on the grass behind her. Devon still leaned on the car.
“On me?” Devon asked. “How so?”
“Either this is just a visit and he’ll leave again—which will tear my heart out—or he thinks he’s going to stay to be with me—which will also suck because it’s not what he really wants.” She scowled at the pavement as she said the truth out loud. “He’s not happy here. And that’s going to tear me up, because I love him and want him to be happy. Either way, I’m going to need a lot more tequila, a lot more often, and it’s pathetic to drink alone.” She looked back up at Devon. “So, since you’re my best friend, you’ll be drinking with me. It could be hard on you. Cirrhosis of the liver is nothing to sneeze at.”
And she wasn’t even joking.
It wasn’t a healthy way to handle it—physically or mentally—but she didn’t see a way around it.
Devon sat down next to her, taking her hand. “First of all, being your best friend, I’m determined to ration your tequila from this point on. Second of all, there are other options, Allie. Gavin could find a job in Boston. Or somewhere else where you can be together, but be close enough to home that you could come often.”
Yeah. It sounded good when Devon said it. Allie just wasn’t sure she could turn it into reality.
“He likes polar bears,” she said, pushing up from the curb and brushing the seat of her pants off. “There are only seven polar bear populations in the world and only two in North America. So, it’s Alaska or Canada. Both far away from the harbor.”
Devon couldn’t reply to that because Josh pulled up just then.
Josh stepped out and looked at them with a bemused expression over the top of the car.
Allie looked at Devon and she looked at Allie. Devon’s clothes and hair were rumpled, there were blades of grass clinging to her pants and she had that funny, dazed look in her eyes that came from too much tequila in too short a period.
Allie probably looked even worse.
“Can you take me home?” Allie asked Josh, knowing he’d say yes.
“Yes,” he said simply. “I can even buy you coffee on the way.”
“I don’t want coffee,” she told him, gathering her shoes—that she’d kicked off at some point—and shot glasses and mostly empty tequila bottle. “That might sober me up.”
“So you did get drunk on purpose.” He reached out to help her into the backseat of the car, probably afraid she’d break the bottle on the door.
“I drank on purpose,” she told him. “The amount snuck up on me.”
“Gavin’s on his way.”
“He’s going to Dad’s.” She frowned at Josh. “Why’d you call him anyway?”
“He came four thousand miles from Alaska for you. Twice. Pretty sure he’d want to be with you right now.”
The truth—and sweetness—of that hit her in the chest. “But I can’t believe you called Gavin to come be with me. Doesn’t that strike you as a little odd?” she asked him.
“I want a front-row seat,” Josh said. “The last time you mixed tequila and Gavin’s return to the harbor, things got really interesting.”
Allie squinted up at him. “Did you just make a joke about the Wedding That Wasn’t?”
He chuckled. “Yes.”
“So we really are both over it.”
“Seems that way.” He reached out and put an arm around Devon.
“Okay.” Allie sat back in her seat and rested her head back as Josh shut the door and helped Devon into the front. Allie closed her eyes and kept them that way until she felt the car stop.
“I should go in with her,” Devon said.
“No need,” Allie assured her, somehow sitting upright without feeling like puking. “I’m fine.”
Josh, being Josh, insisted they walk her into the house anyway. Which turned out to be a good idea. The steps were a little taller than she’d remembered.
Gavin met them at the top step of the porch, clearly torn between being gracious about Josh helping her and wanting to grab her away from the man she’d almost married.
In the end, Josh handed her over to Gavin without a word.
Gavin swept her up into his arms and she cuddled close, thinking that was exactly where she wanted to be. He headed straight for the bedroom, Josh and Devon following.
“Wow, I’m really jet-lagged,” she said with a huge yawn.
“Yeah, I’m sure that’s the problem,” Josh said.
“You okay, sweetie?” Devon asked.
“Fine.” Allie yawned again as Gavin set her on the edge of the bed.
Without thinking, she stripped her top T-shirt off, leaving her in only a tank top.
“Time to go,” Gavin announced, turning Josh out the door.
Devon crossed to Allie and hugged her quick. “Call if you need anything.”
“You bet,” Allie agreed, lying back, watching her ceiling spin. “I’ll need more tequila tomorrow. I’ll call as soon as I wake up.”
“No more tequila,” Gavin and Josh both said firmly from the hallway, but Devon pulled the door shut behind her.
Allie shut her eyes. She had a BFF again. That was going to come in handy if Gavin ended up breaking her heart.
Allie awoke several hours later, completely disoriented.
One look at the wallpaper in her childhood bedroom—the tiny yellow flowers on the white background that she’d picked out when she was twelve—reminded her where she was.
Her body insisted it was early afternoon.
In Alaska, it was. In Promise Harbor, it was—she squinted at the clock—five-oh-four. She groaned. This was going to take some adjusting.
And the tequila definitely hadn’t helped.
She swung her legs over the edge of the bed and sighed. It wasn’t the time that had awakened her. It was the noise downstairs. Which meant there were people here.
She really didn’t want to see, or deal with, people.
Especially the ones she was related to.
She stepped into the kitchen, yawning, but she stopped in the doorway, blinked rapidly and rubbed her eyes. She still didn’t believe what she saw.
Danny was at the stove. Cooking.
“What’s going on?”
“Hey,” he greeted her over his shoulder.
That didn’t answer her question. She wandered farther into the room. “What are you doing?”
There were voices coming from the dining room just through the doorway.
“Making dinner.”
“You’re making dinner?”
“Pasta.”
That was suspicious. “What kind?”
“Fettuccini with asparagus and salmon.” He gave her a cocky grin. “I’m a natural in the kitchen.”
“Lydia told you that?”
“Yep.”
Allie couldn’t believe that Lydia had been coaching her brothers to cook via Skype. “How would she know? She can’t smell it or taste it.”
“She just did. Said it was awesome.”
“She…” Allie’s attention was pulled from the fettuccini—that did look pretty good, especially considering she’d been asleep for a little over seven hours and was starving. “What do you mean she just did?”
“Like ten minutes ago.”
Allie’s gaze flew to the doorway leading to the dining room. “Lydia’s here?”
“Yeah, got here like a half hour ago.”
Allie headed for the dining room.
“Allie!” Devon was the first person she saw and the first to see her. Devon was out of her chair, a big red purse thrown over her shoulder, and at Allie’s side seemingly in milliseconds. She grabbed Allie by the arm and tugged her down the hallway to the bathroom.
“What are you doing?”
“This is why I’m here,” Devon said. She upended her purse on the countertop. Makeup, hair accessories and other items rolled, bounced and clattered on the Formica.
“To give me a makeover?”
Devon took her shoulders and turned her toward the mirror. “I figured you’d get out of bed, realize everyone was here, and you’d come running without realizing this.” She gestured toward Allie’s reflection.
Allie focused on her face. And winced.
“Ah.”
“Yeah.”
She’d gone straight to bed without taking her makeup off, brushing her hair or even changing out of her capris.
“Okay. Maybe I could freshen up.”
“Start with this.” Devon handed her a brand-new toothbrush, still in the package.
“You know,” Allie grumbled as she took the brush and opened it. “It’s a good thing we’re best friends. I don’t take that from just anyone.”
Devon hugged her around the shoulders. “I know.”
With Devon’s help and red purse, Allie was presentable within fifteen minutes.
“So what do you think of Lydia?” The girl hadn’t been very high on Allie’s list of Things To Worry About for the past several hours, but now she wondered how Lydia was doing.
“Charlie seemed to be expecting her because he was right there at the door and whisked her off to his bedroom.”
Allie sighed. “Great.”
“He’s twenty-five, hon,” Devon said, applying blush to Allie’s cheeks. “And they’ve obviously taken some time to get to know each other.”
“I know. And she’s probably twenty so it’s legal,” Allie said, trying to be glass half-full.
Devon laughed. “Josh asked Charlie about her. She’s twenty-two.”
“Oh.” That made Allie feel better. If she just ignored the fact that her brother and Lydia were probably in his bedroom having sex right now, she’d feel even better.
When she and Devon emerged, Allie had to take a deep breath. The dining room was full of people. Lydia and Charlie were sitting at one end of the table with Josh and, thankfully, they didn’t look particularly disheveled. Gavin sat at the other end, cradling a coffee cup in his hand and talking with Hayley Stone and Jackson Knight, Josh’s best man—who had his arm across the back of Hayley’s chair. Okay. That was weird. Gavin met her eyes and gave her a warm smile, but didn’t move otherwise. He didn’t rush to her side or ask how she was. He was just there and his smile told her he was fine. She didn’t have to rush to his side or ask how he was either.
She could concentrate on everyone else.
But looking around the room, no one seemed to need a thing. Devon had joined Josh, perching on his lap and wrapping her arms around his neck. Hayley and Jackson were laughing—and sitting really close. Charlie whispered something in Lydia’s ear that made her smile and blush. Danny had just carried another plate of pasta and a basket of garlic bread into the room.
Then things got really weird.
“We’re home!”
Allie swung toward her father’s booming voice. He and Sophie came through the kitchen with wide smiles and suitcases.
“Dad!” She went to him immediately. “Are you okay?”
Her dad dropped his suitcase and wrapped her in his arms. “Of course. You?”
“I’m…” She had to swallow and take a moment to just hug him before she said, “I’m fine.”
“Charlie said so,” Owen said, pulling back and smiling down at her. “Missed you.”
Her dad spoke in simple sentences, sometimes with words left out here and there, since his accident. He often found it hard to talk quickly or with big words. But he’d always been quiet, more of an observer, so most people didn’t notice. She wondered if Gavin would catch it now.
Allie studied her dad’s face. He certainly looked fine. Maybe even good. “I—”
But her father had turned to Danny. “Smells great.”
“Here, this one’s yours,” Danny said, setting two plates on the table.
“You make great pasta,” Owen said to Allie as he let her go and pulled out a chair for Sophie. “So I never learned myself.”
Allie stared at her father, then found Gavin’s eyes. He looked concerned, but gave her a little smile.
She looked back at her dad. So she said she was fine and that was all there was to it? She’d run out of her wedding and been gone for almost two weeks, but that only took a few seconds of attention when there were noodles? And he hadn’t learned to make pasta because she was so good at it? Was she so magically talented in sewing buttons and keeping track of dental appointments that he just couldn’t bear to do those for himself either?
“She’s good at pork chops too,” Danny commented. “Don’t know how she does it.”
Because he’d never set foot in the kitchen as long as she was in there. Danny wandered in only for ready-made food—chips, cereal, and, of course, anything she made.
“You could read a recipe to find out how I do it,” she muttered.
No one seemed to hear.
“And I love her pecan caramel rolls,” Charlie added. “You should do some of those for tomorrow, sis.”.
“No pecans for me,” Owen said, taking a huge bite of Danny’s pasta. He gave a groan of appreciation that she’d never heard for her cooking.
And he was reminding her to keep the nuts out of his rolls? She didn’t forget stuff like that. He didn’t like nuts. Right. She knew that. And, apparently, he couldn’t pick them out of his rolls by himself. “If I forget, I’ll stand there and pick them out for you,” she said.
Her dad missed her sarcasm completely. He just smiled at her. “I know.”
Allie stared at him and it hit her—he didn’t miss her sarcasm because he was slow or because she hadn’t been clear. Sarcasm simply wasn’t a possibility in his mind. Her mother had never used sarcasm, she’d never been snotty, never joked around. She was sweet, but she was also serious and conventional. So why would her dad expect anything else from Allie? She had modeled everything she said and did here, with him and the boys, after her mom.
Allie pulled herself up tall and took a deep breath.
From here on, she was doing things differently. As she’d said to her mom yesterday at the cemetery, Allie loved and missed Lily, but she didn’t want to be Lily.
“Dad,” she said, stopping the conversation around the table, “there is no way in hell—”
“I need to talk to you.” Gavin was out of his seat, his hand clamped around her wrist, dragging her from the room in seconds.
“Hey.” She tugged against his hold. “I was just—”
“About to say something you’d regret,” he said, stopping and turning to face her. They were in the entryway by the back door off the kitchen. Far enough from the dining room that no one would hear them.
She pulled free and crossed her arms. She wanted to deny it, but couldn’t. So she just frowned at him.
“Listen, if you really want to tell your dad and brothers to go to hell, go for it. I won’t stop you again. But just think about it for a second before you do. Make sure that’s what you want.”
“Why wouldn’t I want to?” she asked, defiantly. “They’re driving me crazy.”
“But are you frustrated with them…or with yourself?”
That stopped her. She frowned. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Gavin lifted an eyebrow that said he wasn’t buying that, but replied, “Just be sure.”
“Well, what if I am frustrated with them?” she asked. “I came running home when I found out things were falling apart, gave up the trip and you.”
He shrugged. “Maybe you’re frustrated because things aren’t actually falling apart.”
“But…”
Dammit.
He was right. They weren’t falling apart.
Her dad was going on trips with Sophie, obviously having a great time and managing everything in the house. Whether or not he’d had help, it hadn’t been her help. Danny was doing fine, not only with class but cooking, and cooking well for god’s sake. And Charlie was in love. Working. Smiling.
Hell, they were all doing more than she was. She hadn’t cleaned a house, paid a bill or cooked a meal in almost two weeks, thanks to Lydia.
Which frustrated her more. “That means I’ve spent all this time doing stuff for them they didn’t need.”
Gavin reached for her and pulled her close. “Maybe you needed it.”
She sniffed, and as his arms went around her, she felt something let go inside of her. She hugged him close and finally admitted what she’d been denying all this time. “I did,” she said hoarsely. “I needed to do something to remember her and to keep from losing my mind.”
Gavin held her tighter. “It’s okay, Allie.”
“But…” she sniffed, “now what?”
Gavin didn’t know the answer to that.
Allie and her family had established some…interesting…patterns. What did they do now?
“Positive family dynamics are hardly my forte,” he said with a little laugh. “I don’t know.”
She studied his face, then said quietly, “Thanks.”
“For not having an answer for you?”
“For pulling me out of there before I swore at my father.”
He shrugged. “Instinct.”
“Well, it was good. Having you here is good.”
He thought about that. It did feel good. In fact, he couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. Which meant…he was staying as long as she was. Even if it was forever. And that didn’t feel quite as good.
He gave her a smile though, somehow. “I have a question for you,” he said, as something—amazingly—came to him.
“Okay.”
“You know how none of you knew your mom’s favorite flower?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
“Do your brothers know your favorite flower?”
Her eyebrows pulled together slightly. “Probably not.”
“How about your favorite cookie?”
She shook her head. “I doubt it.”
“Your favorite movie?”
“No.”
“Is it possible,” he asked, “that it’s because you’ve never told them? Not because they don’t care or wouldn’t care if they did know, but simply that you’ve been so busy taking care of them that the things you like have never come up?”
Allie just swallowed hard.
“Lydia compared you to a hummingbird,” he said, remembering. Lydia had been frustrated with Allie at the time—big surprise—but it had been an accurate analogy.
“She did?” Allie seemed genuinely puzzled by that.
“A few days ago,” he said with a nod.
“Why?”
“Have you ever watched a hummingbird?”
“I guess.”
“They’re hard to focus on,” Gavin said, rubbing his hands up and down her upper arms. “They flit around and go so fast that’s it hard to really see them.” He took a breath and decided to go ahead and make his point. “Kind of like your mom,” he said gently. “She was always moving, always doing something, so focused on everyone else that no one could focus on her. Kind of like you.”
He watched the thoughts and emotions play across her face. She went from confused to surprised to thoughtful to, finally, understanding. She wet her lips. “I suppose it’s possible,” she admitted. “We’ve never really talked about that kind of stuff.”
“You mean, you’ve never really talked about you. Who you are, what you like.”
“Okay,” she said softly. “Maybe.”
“Do that,” he said simply.
“Just go sit down and start talking about myself?” she asked.
“Kind of. Do you know Danny’s favorite cookie?”
“Danny likes all cookies,” she said.
“But surely he has a favorite,” Gavin pressed.
It was amazing, but he actually saw her eyes lighten and the lines around her mouth that showed how tense she was ease. “He probably does.”
“And Charlie probably has a favorite movie.”
“Probably.”
“There you go.”
She stood just looking at him for a long moment and he finally asked, “What?”
“I thought you said you were just coming along to hold my hand.”
“Allie, I just…” Acted without thinking. He’d just needed to do something to protect her—even if it was from herself.
“You’re doing great,” she said with a smile.
He felt relief wash through him. “Maybe we should go back in the other room while I’m ahead.”