chapter Six
Eddie and the puppies were completely healthy and Gavin finally got Allie to the truck again.
She felt great. She knew she looked like a mess though. She tucked her hair behind her ear as she looked down at her clothes. “I have paw prints everywhere.”
Gavin glanced over. “I noticed.”
There was something in his tone and his eyes that made her eyes widen. His gaze flickered down and she followed it to see multiple mud prints on her breasts and the front of her pants. She’d definitely been felt up.
But just Gavin’s eyes on her good parts made them tingle. She’d trade that hot look in his eyes for litters of cute puppies.
“You want to sit in my lap?” she asked. “It’s all yours.”
“I do,” he said, putting the truck into drive. “Or have you on mine.”
“I’m not the one who thinks that’s a bad idea, remember?” she asked, tingling even harder.
“I’m having trouble recalling my argument, frankly,” he said, staring—almost glaring—at the road. “If I can find you playing with puppies hot, I think I’m pretty far gone.”
She grinned. “I’m covered with mud and smell like dog. How is that hot?” Though she loved that he was hot for her—whatever the reason.
“You being happy, carefree, uninhibited is hot.”
Something was coursing through her. Getting out into the beautiful countryside, the fresh air, the puppies—she didn’t know for sure but she was feeling something. Playful, daring, free. Things she hadn’t felt in a long time. It was such a relief. She felt like she’d finally taken a deep breath.
“Can we go dancing before next week?” she asked.
“If we do, I’m really in trouble,” he said.
“Why?”
“I want you right now so dammed bad I can hardly drive straight, and you have mud on your cheek. If you get dressed up and we go dancing, I’ll have you up against the nearest wall before the first song is over.”
Perfect. As soon as she caught her breath she said, “In the case, I’ll make things easier and not wear panties.”
Gavin swerved slightly and she gave a soft laugh. When she looked over at him, he seemed tense. It wasn’t just sexual tension either.
“You’re mad,” she observed.
“At myself.”
“Why?”
“Because I want to get you naked more than I want to talk to you.”
He really did seem disappointed. Which was sweet. And he’d taken her to see puppies. He was trying to take care of her and she did feel better. Like maybe talking wouldn’t turn into a maelstrom of emotion and tears. Maybe it would be okay even. Gavin deserved to know she was better.
She took a deep breath. She was willing to try this. “No one knew my mom’s favorite flower. And it made me nuts. That one thing, more than anything, made me crazy. I threw a vase against the wall at the funeral home because I was so pissed.”
Gavin swerved again because he was looking at her. But he corrected the wheel and slowed down.
Allie stared out the windshield, but she knew he was surprised. He’d never seen her cry and he’d definitely never seen her temper. Why would he? They got along great. They never fought. They disagreed but it was always the same stuff—their families and Promise Harbor. They’d just gone their own ways when it came to that. She’d never shown him just how angry or hurt or frustrated she was about her family. He recognized her tension, but she never cried or ranted and yelled about it. It had been obvious he didn’t want to be involved with all of that, so she’d kept the specifics to herself.
“Of all the things, that’s when I lost it,” she went on.
There had been so many things during her mom’s sickness and after her death that had made her crazy. Her brothers hadn’t done one single load of laundry the entire time. Just for instance. But that day they’d gone to the funeral home to discuss the service had been the final straw.
“I held it together up until then,” she said.
Breaking down wouldn’t have done anyone any good. The laundry would have still been dirty, her dad would have still needed lunch for work the next day and her mom would have still been gone.
“But then we were sitting there and the funeral director wanted to know what kind of flowers we wanted to use and no one knew her favorite flower. Not my dad. Not me.” That still bugged her. “I got up and stomped out of his office. On my way out the front door, I noticed this vase of daisies. It was beautiful. Then I realized that daisies are my favorites and I still didn’t know what my mom liked best. So I picked the vase up and heaved it at the closest wall before storming out.”
There was a beat of silence before Gavin said, “I would have liked to have seen that.”
That pulled her attention from the road. “Really?”
He nodded. “It seems like the only emotions we’ve ever had together were happy or passionate, you know?”
“That’s bad?”
“No. But it’s…not real.”
She blew out a breath. “Yeah, well, real life can really suck.”
He reached over and took her hand, eyes on the road. “Yep. It really can.”
She linked her fingers with his, tempted to let it go. That’s what they did. They let things go. She didn’t think about her worries or frustrations when she was with Gavin. He never asked either. They concentrated on the fun. But…come to think of it, he was maybe okay with the less than wonderful emotions.
“Do you ever have to put animals to sleep?” she asked.
He glanced over. “Yeah. Sometimes.”
“What do you say to the owners?”
He didn’t answer right away, but finally said, “Most of the owners out here are pretty tough.”
“But…” she prompted, knowing there was more.
“Once in a while it’s hard on them, of course. If their dog gets hit by a car or something.”
She nodded, watching him. “What do you say then?”
He cleared his throat. “I tell them that I don’t know what to say.”
She smiled. In that moment she wanted him. Badly.
He frowned at her smile. “What?”
“That’s a good answer.”
“That answer is terrible.”
“No.” She squeezed his hand. “It’s good. It’s honest and it shows that you know that it’s a big situation for them.”
He looked at her longer this time before returning his eyes to driving. “That would have been enough at your mom’s funeral?”
Allie closed her eyes, bracing for the wave of pain. A moment later, she opened them again. It had been more of a sharp twinge than a wave.
She thought about his question. “Nothing would have been enough,” she finally answered. “There’s nothing to say. Which makes your answer good.”
Neither of them spoke for nearly a minute. Then she asked, “Is that what you would have said to me?”
She could admit that she’d thought about it. Thought about having him there. How that would have felt. If it would have helped. She liked to think so, but they had no context for this serious, sad stuff.
His fingers tightened on hers briefly, and she wondered if he was even aware of it. “No, probably not,” he said, his voice gruff. “I would have taken one look at you and done what I did at your wedding.”
She felt the smile spread slowly. “Really?”
“Probably,” he said without hesitation. “I hate seeing you sad or hurt, Al. I would have reacted to that without really thinking. Like I did at your wedding.”
She thought about that. Did she believe Gavin would have stormed into the church and carried her away from her mom’s funeral?
Yeah, she did.
Coming for her at the wedding couldn’t have been easy on him. Sure, he’d stormed in there like a man on a mission and she knew nothing would have stopped him—well, unless she’d said no. She could have stopped him. But no one else would have gotten in his way of rescuing her.
Still, Promise Harbor was a place he’d hoped to never go back to. She’d seemingly chosen another man. It had been a year since they’d said good-bye. He had no reason to think that he had any right to be there, to assume he knew what was best for her. But he’d still come, out of concern—and love—for her. No matter how hard it was to get there, no matter what demons he might face coming home to Promise Harbor or what resistance he might have gotten, he’d come. For her.
“I wanted to be anywhere but in that church that day.” She didn’t believe that she needed the funeral to have closure or to honor her mother. She intended to honor her mother every day. “That would have been awesome.”
His frown relaxed a little. “That would have been inappropriate. In real life you sometimes have to do things that suck,” he said. “But I should have been there with you. I want to be there, Al. For the sucky times and the fun times.”
She pressed her lips together and sat back in her seat. This more serious Gavin was pretty damned great. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes with a smile, still holding his hand.
“Maybe she didn’t have a favorite flower,” Gavin said after a minute. “I think you would have known if she did.”
Allie’s eyes flew open. “But…” Then she thought about it. Her mom’s favorite color was yellow, her favorite food was turkey and dressing, her favorite holiday was Christmas. Maybe it was possible that there was no right answer to the flower question. “We finally settled on tulips. And they were gorgeous.”
“I’m sure they were.”
She watched him for a moment, a sense of contentment flowing over her that was completely at odds with the desire to rip his clothes off.
“So, now we can have sex.”
Gavin didn’t answer, but he shifted on the seat.
“Because I talked and opened up,” she added.
He still said nothing.
“And you said that if we talked, then we could have sex.”
Still nothing. “Gavin?”
“Just trying to decide where to stop for condoms.”
She sighed with relief just a second before the want slammed into her. He was giving in. “I’m on the pill.”
“Four of the best words I’ve heard in a long time,” Gavin told her. And he pushed the speedometer another ten miles an hour.
They didn’t talk much for the final fifteen minutes of the drive, and Gavin simply grabbed her hand as they ran to the front door.
But they were only halfway up the stairs when they heard, “Gavin!”
They both turned to see Lydia in the doorway from the kitchen, phone in hand.
“You have a call. George needs you to take a look at a cow.” She looked at Allie. “Infected udder.”
Allie wrinkled her nose and Lydia smiled.
Gavin sighed. “Dammit,” he muttered. Then said, “Hold that thought?”
“As long as you’re not talking about the thought of an infected udder.” Yep, that had worked to cool the sexual tension. For sure. “Infected” was just one of those words.
Gavin chuckled and tugged her back down the stairs. “No, not that one.”
“The one where you and I are naked in your bed? Sure.”
“I’d invite you on this trip too, but there won’t be any cute puppies to play with.”
“Infected cow parts?” she asked. “No, thanks. I’m good here.” She smiled at Lydia, just to rile the girl. “I’m in the mood to make some pasta or something anyway. Comfort food, you know.” At Lydia’s frown Allie snuggled closer to Gavin. “You’ve always loved my lasagna,” she reminded him.
Gavin made a sound of appreciation and Lydia’s frown deepened.
“Get out to George’s,” Lydia said to Gavin, still watching Allie. “The sooner you get back, the less time she’ll spend duct-taped to the chair for trying to put even a foot in my kitchen.”
Gavin chuckled and carefully steered Allie into the living room past Lydia. “Don’t worry, she’ll stay out of your way. Right, Al?”
Allie sighed. Lydia was small, but she seemed tough. There was a definite frustration about her. Allie could absolutely beat her if it came to rounding up a classroom of first graders or putting together a fundraiser or reorganizing a closet, but if it came to arm wrestling or duct tape, Allie was a little afraid.
“Just hang out. Relax,” he said.
There was that relaxing thing again. Not really her specialty.
“And stay out of Lydia’s way,” she said dryly.
He shrugged. “Not a bad idea.”
She looked around the living room. “How long will you be gone?”
“It’s a twenty-minute drive one way. It’s going to be at least an hour.”
An hour. Ugh. She’d go crazy by herself for that long.
He handed her the remote control for the TV and nudged her onto the couch. “Watch a movie.”
“It’s going to be porn,” she told him, aiming the remote at the sixty-four-inch screen.
He coughed and reached for the TV’s off button. “Maybe read.”
“I’ve got two erotic romance novels in my bag,” she said. Which was true.
His gaze went to her mouth and he swallowed. “I don’t suppose you want to play solitaire.”
She gave him a look that she was sure conveyed her thoughts on that idea.
“Just…relax,” he repeated again, obviously out of suggestions. “And stay out of the kitchen.”
She glanced toward the hallway. At least fighting with Lydia would be interesting.
“I don’t think she’s kidding about the duct tape,” he said, reading her thoughts.
She didn’t think so either.
Then he headed for the door to leave her here while he went out to work again.
She frowned and slumped back on the couch with a sigh. This was ridiculous. She was sitting in Gavin’s house in Alaska, alone. A cupboard door banged in the kitchen and she amended her thought to alone with the first person to dislike her in a really, really long time.
She had nothing to do. No one to talk to. No projects to work on. A few months ago she would have given her right arm for an afternoon with nothing to do.
Now she just felt restless.
Allie pushed up off of the couch. She wasn’t watching TV, porn or not. She headed for the deck again. Maybe she’d go for a walk. The sunshine and fresh air and gorgeous scenery had to be good for her.
But she was down the steps off the deck and the equivalent of a block from the house when she looked up at the mountains and thought how much her mom would have loved it here.
The pain hit her directly in the chest and she gasped for breath.
She felt her throat closing and her thoughts began spinning. Memories seemed to come from every direction—her mom taking Allie and her brothers on nature hikes in the fall to gather as many different colored leaves as they could find to make a collage, her mom at the beach, in the garden, riding bikes with Allie and her brothers. Lily had loved the outdoors and this place would have made her ooh and ah for sure. But she’d never see it, never have the chance to walk like this, never…
Allie spun on the path and ran back for the house.
She barreled in through the sliding glass door and then slammed it behind her as if she could shut the thoughts and memories out too. She concentrated on breathing, her hand pressed to her chest, willing her heart to slow.
She squeezed her eyes shut and forced herself to think about something else.
Gavin.
His face came to mind. He was grinning that grin she loved and holding her hand. She took a deep breath, feeling the air flow in more easily. She thought about his laugh, about the stupid Boston College sweatshirt that he’d worn so many times that only the B and C were readable, about the way he preferred his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches grilled.
She breathed again, fully now, her heart rate slowing.
Carefully she opened her eyes and looked around his living room. She concentrated on picking up on the details of the room, pushing the thoughts of her mom to the back of her mind.
She looked at the furniture, the bookshelves, his movie and music collection.
For the first time she noticed the framed photographs on the mantle and started forward. Did he have photos of his family? Her?
But as she got closer she saw that they were photos of him with animals. In three of the pictures, he was surrounded by gorgeous huskies. He had his arms around their necks and was grinning broadly at the camera. The final three photos were also of Gavin with animals. Polar bears, to be exact.
She stared. Polar bears again? They looked real enough, but in one photo he and two other guys were kneeling behind a huge bear lying on the snow. Definitely close enough to become the bear’s lunch. The animal was either fake or dead.
Of course, looking at the way one of the guys was holding his head and Gavin was lifting the humongous paw, she thought possibly it was just sedated.
Allie lifted a finger and touched Gavin’s smile.
It wasn’t like she hadn’t seen him smile. She had, of course. They’d laughed together a thousand times. And he did have that seductive grin that he turned on when he was getting her naked—the one that said he knew exactly how weak he made her knees and how hard her stomach flipped when he touched her.
But this seemed different somehow. In this picture he was smiling…
For a reason other than her.
She jerked her hand back as the realization hit her.
Gavin was smiling about something that had absolutely nothing to do with her. Which sounded stupid and selfish, but she realized in that moment that she truly had believed that most of Gavin’s happiness, the things that really gave him joy and made him laugh, had to do with her.
Dammit.
When had she turned into such an egocentric brat?
Pissed at herself, she grabbed one of two photo albums off the mantel and took it to the couch. Gavin had been out of her life for over a year. She had some catching up to do. Had he taken some trips? He hadn’t flown up to the top of Mount McKinley or landed on any glaciers, but surely he’d had some fun in his new home. Had he met some new friends? He claimed he hadn’t been with any women—and Nancy had more or less confirmed that—but surely he didn’t spend every night at home alone.
But the pages of the photo album weren’t what she expected. They were filled with more polar bears. People too. Several different people, mostly dressed in the same cold weather gear Gavin was wearing. But the photos did tell more of the story. They showed people working with the bears, giving injections, taking measurements and other activities Allie didn’t quite understand. There was also a photo that showed the people indoors, arms around each other, smiling for the camera in front of a banner that read US Geological Survey.
In all the photos, Gavin was grinning, clearly enjoying the hell out of what he was doing.
She felt a lump in her throat as she looked at a copy of the photo he had in the clinic of him with the twin polar bear cubs. He was really happy. Contented even. She hadn’t seen that in Gavin much over the years.
He had fun. He enjoyed himself. But there had always been an underlying current of determination—like having fun even took concentration. He was so driven. Always.
Now he seemed settled. He’d always had a restless air about him, the feel that he was looking for something and would keep moving on until he found it.
She thought about what he’d told her about his dad. He’d been a cheater and a liar. Big-time. A pro. He’d practically been a male prostitute. He was paid in favors instead of money, but he was still a major slimeball.
And Gavin was nothing like his father. Not that he ever could be, but he worked at being the exact opposite. He worked hard and did the right things, because that was how he wanted to get what he needed.
Allie closed the book and sighed. Knowing what she did now, she couldn’t blame him for distancing himself from his father. More, she couldn’t expect him to ignore the things his dad had done—maybe was still doing—or really to reconcile if his father wasn’t sorry. She knew his mom was a tougher case, but it was clear that Gavin had little or no respect for the decisions she’d made. It would be really hard for him to pretend there was nothing wrong, yet equally hard to make his mom face what her husband had been doing and that she deserved better.
If he didn’t agree with their philosophies and choices, maybe it really was best for him to just get out and stay out of their lives.
She knew Mr. and Mrs. Montgomery and knew she’d always have a hard time with this truth about them when she saw them on the streets of the harbor.
That thought made her sit up straighter.
If she saw them on the streets of Promise Harbor, that meant she’d be back in Promise Harbor.
Of course, she’d be back in Promise Harbor eventually. Wouldn’t she?
She had to be. She couldn’t stay away forever. She couldn’t stay in Bend, Alaska, forever.
Could she?
But if she didn’t stay, she wouldn’t be with Gavin.
He was clearly happy here. He’d found the contentment, the respect and the success that he’d always been searching for. And the harbor had nothing for him.
Her heart started pounding and she felt like doubling over, the pain similar to what she’d felt outside thinking about her mom. Dammit.
This was what happened when she was left alone—thinking.
She shoved herself up off the couch, returning the photo album to its place on the mantel.
She needed something to do.
Gavin let himself into the house an hour and a half after heading for George’s farm. He couldn’t wait to get to Allie…and get her upstairs.
But he stepped into the kitchen to find Lydia banging pots and pans. Loudly.
“What’s going on?” He hung his keys on the hook by the door.
“She’s using my Wii.” Lydia banged a metal pan onto the countertop.
“She?”
“Allie.”
Gavin tried not to smile. Not that Lydia was looking at him anyway. She was currently stirring something in a big pot on the stove—making an incredible amount of noise with the wooden spoon she was using—and alternately checking something on the laptop she had open on the middle island.
“Why are you letting her use your Wii?” Lydia had shown up in Bend having hitchhiked from somewhere in the States. She’d never said where exactly and he’d never asked. She had a suitcase and a big paper bag that he later discovered held a Wii and several games.
“It keeps her out of the kitchen,” Lydia muttered.
He did smile then, but quickly hid it. “Did she eat anything?”
“I set pasta salad and bread out on the coffee table while she was upstairs.”
“That was nice of you,” Gavin said, even though he knew she hadn’t done it to be nice.
“I couldn’t let the pasta salad go to waste. Especially since you weren’t here to eat. Again.”
Lydia loved taking care of him. He just labeled their relationship “complicated” and didn’t think too much about it. But he knew that Lydia took her job with him seriously and found a lot of reward in it. So, when things happened—like him not being here to take care of—she got pissy.
“But she didn’t eat it,” Lydia added.
Dammit, again. When was that woman going to start taking care of herself—or letting him take care of her?
“Why not?”
Lydia scowled at him. “Probably to piss me off.”
Gavin thought about that and decided not to agree or disagree on that point.
“All I know is that she eventually came back downstairs. I just ignored her until I heard her swearing. Then I went to check.”
“To make sure she was okay?” Gavin asked with a small smile.
“To make sure she hadn’t broken a lamp or that she wasn’t bleeding on the carpet or something,” Lydia said. “Blood’s a bitch to get out.”
Gavin definitely wasn’t going to comment on that.
“But she was just using the stupid workout game that came with the Wii. I’ve never done it. It looked like yoga.”
Gavin glanced toward the living room. Yoga. Yeah, Allie did yoga. He remembered it vividly. And fondly. The yoga pants made her ass look amazing and some of the poses were downright erotic—at least when it was Allie doing it in front of him. More than once he’d come home to find her working out and had been unable to keep from working her out in another way.
“Yoga, huh? I better go check on her.”
“It’s not gonna work to calm her down,” Lydia said. “She can’t relax. She’s like a frickin’ hummingbird. She can’t sit still, she can’t just chill. I liked her better when she was sleeping all day.”
A hummingbird. Not a bad analogy. “She’s been having a hard time.”
Lydia just looked at him for a long moment. “Lots of people have hard times.”
“Yep. And some of them handle it by going to bed for several days, some handle it by keeping busy, and some…” he paused meaningfully, “…handle it by running away.”
Lydia turned to the stove and banged her spoon on the pan again. “Just make sure she doesn’t break my machine or she’s buying me a new one.”
Got it. They weren’t going to talk. That had been working for them for almost a year now.
He headed for the living room, hoping to find Allie in the bridge pose.
But he pulled up short in the doorway.
She was most definitely not doing yoga.
She was punching and kicking. Hard. She was gasping for air and sweating and looked like she’d been at it for a while. She also looked like she was worked up enough to keep going.
He propped his shoulder against the doorway and watched for a few minutes, not wanting to get in the way of this. It looked like kickboxing wasn’t new to her. Besides, she was wearing yoga pants and an exercise bra. Only. It wasn’t yoga, but he couldn’t help but appreciate the view.
Finally she stopped and put her hands on her knees, bending at the waist and pulling in long breaths. Clearly she didn’t know he was there, so he took time to drink in the sight of the curve of her back, the way tendrils of hair escaped her ponytail and clung to her wet skin, the way her breasts lifted and fell as she breathed.
After a minute, she lowered herself to the floor and then sprawled on her back, knees bent, still just breathing. Her eyes were squeezed tight and she flung an arm over her face. There was something about her, something about how she was pushing herself, something about all of this that felt…wrong. Something was off. He should have been concerned about her working out so hard. She’d just gotten over being sick. In fact, she wasn’t even done taking her antibiotics yet. Surely she should be taking it easier than this.
He started into the room, but just then Allie pounded her fists onto the floor beside her. “F*ck!”
Eyebrows up, he watched her push to her feet, stomp to the Wii and change the game disc. A moment later, she stepped back, pushed some buttons on the controller in her hand and then started shooting the crap out of the bad guys that were jumping out from behind buildings and cars on the screen.
She blew up a couple of buildings, used a rocket launcher on a truck, and shot several more men before she got nailed by one of them.
She stood, staring at the screen, panting.
“Allie?”
She swung to face him, visibly startled to find him there.
“You okay?”
She just stared at him, breathing hard. Then she shook her head, let out a little sob and stumbled toward him.
He caught her against his chest. Her arms wound around him tightly and she buried her face in his neck. He just held on.
Hands splayed big across her back, he held her. And when it became clear that she was crying, he held her tighter. Her tears were hot against his skin, her body shook and all he could do was stand there, squeezing his own eyes shut and rubbing up and down her back.
He had no words. And he hated it.
It felt like two years had passed by the time she loosened her hold slightly and the shaking in her body calmed.
Minutes later, the crying seemed over, but she clearly didn’t want to move out of his arms. Which was just fine with him. He bent and scooped her up. She didn’t protest, didn’t even gasp. She just cuddled closer as he started for the stairs.
His own shaking didn’t start until they stepped into the bedroom. She right here, real and alive and warm and sweet, and…he had no f*cking idea what to do with her.
Having Allie in his bedroom had always been simple before. They made love all the time. There wasn’t a position or a time of day they hadn’t tried. And it was always fantastic. She was expressive and honest in bed and he’d quickly learned what she liked, what made it good for her, and then he made sure that every single time was incredible. Loving her, physically and emotionally, had been easy.
Now, though, everything was new. Her needs weren’t as straightforward as they’d been before. He wasn’t the expert at knowing what she wanted and needed now.
He hated that.
The thing, the person, he’d always been most sure of was now what he was feeling most insecure about.
In the past, he’d been well acquainted with the things he was trying to prove, the things that he felt less than amazing at. He’d been trying to make his way, make his mark, earn his place for a long time now.
In Bend, he’d done it. He really had. He belonged here because of who he was, not because of his father or some favor someone had done for his father. Gavin was accepted and liked and respected because of who he was. He was confident and calm and happy with himself for the first time in years.
Until now.
Confident and calm were not how he was feeling with Allie.
He’d grown up, he wanted to be serious but—he didn’t even know all the details about what she needed him to be serious about.
Then his shaking got worse. What if she told him what the tears were all about and he had no idea how to fix it?
He didn’t have serious conversations with anyone. He and Lydia danced around her past, he and his family didn’t stay in touch, Hayley was the closest thing he had to a lifelong friend and they’d mostly just screwed around and gotten into trouble together. If there was anything serious or life-changing going on in her life, he sure didn’t know about it.
And now there was Allie—who needed something. Something he wasn’t sure he could give her.
Yeah, calm and confident were definitely not the things he was feeling here.
He glanced around and then headed for the bathroom.
He set her gently on the counter and pulled away slowly, making sure she could hold herself up. “You got it?” he asked.
She nodded.
He turned and started filling the tub. He didn’t have bubble bath or scented candles or any of…whatever else girls used in the bathtub. But warm water couldn’t hurt.
They didn’t try to talk over the running water and he resisted looking at her. Without the tears, he was more aware of just how much skin really showed in her workout gear, and he was trying to ignore the fact that she was going to have to undress to take a bath. Hopefully she could manage that on her own and not need his help…
Her turquoise workout bra hit his shoe.
He looked up to find that she’d shimmied off the countertop and was now peeling her yoga pants off, watching him as she stripped.
Her bare breasts bounced as she moved, the tips hard, making his mouth water.
With her pants and panties at her ankles, she kicked the clothes free and Gavin greedily took in the sight of her. She reached up and pulled her ponytail loose, shaking her hair out, and he watched as the strands floated up, then came to settle around her shoulders.
He was rock hard within seconds.
“Allie,” he rasped, not really sure what he was going to say after that.
“Touch me, Gavin.”
God. How could he resist that? He’d walked away from her like this already once today. How could he be expected to continually say no to what they both wanted so much?
He stood and took a step forward. He ran his hands from her shoulders to her fingertips, still battling with the wisdom of doing even that much. But Allie took his hands and lifted them to her breasts.
His air whooshed out as her nipples pressed into his palms and she rocked closer, her eyes sliding shut. “Yes. Touch me. Make me think only about you.”
He wanted to help her work through it, not just distract her from it all. But even as he thought the thought, his thumbs brushed over her nipples, sending electricity skittering up his arms.
She gasped and pressed closer. “Yes, Gav.”
He should say something. Something supportive and encouraging. He should tell her that he was here, for her, for so much more than this. But her hands slid under his shirt and up over his chest and the contact made everything in him tighten.
She needed this. She needed him. For this. No one else could make her feel the way he did.
And he still had no effing idea what to say or how to say it anyway.
So he kissed her instead.
And when her tongue stroked against his and her nails dug lightly into his pecs, his brain shut down and his body took over.
He knew one thing—this he was good at. Making Allie feel good physically was something he was very good at.
He lifted her back onto the counter and stepped between her knees, then filled his hands with her breasts again. She arched into him, kissing him hungrily, her hands in his hair, then under his shirt again, then around to his ass. She wrapped her legs around him, her heels digging into his butt, urging him closer.
The button and zipper on his jeans gave way and suddenly he realized he was still wearing what he’d been wearing to George’s farm.
“Ah, dammit.” He tried to pull back.
“What?” She reached for him. “I need you.”
“I’ve been at the farm.” Wow, she was really strong when she was wanted something.
“I don’t care.”
“I’m covered in mud and smell like cows.”
“I don’t care.” She leaned back enough to strip his shirt off and toss it away.
With her leaning like that he could see everything, and he lost his train of thought.
“I just need you, Gavin. I don’t care that you’ve been working.” She ran her hands up and down his naked chest, her eyes roaming over him. “In fact, it’s completely sexy. You’re sweaty and…” She stopped and looked down at herself. “Ugh.” She pulled her hands away and her legs dropped. “I’ve been working out. I’m sweaty and…”
He cupped her face and kissed her. When he lifted his head she was staring at him, effectively distracted. “You’re gorgeous. I love seeing your body work. Seeing you sweaty and breathing hard makes me think of all the other ways to get you that way.”
“But I’m…” She sighed. “I’m not feeling sexy now. Mood lost.”
No way. He had to do something for her and this was it. This was all he had at the moment.
“I can fix that.” He toed off his shoes and shucked out of his pants.
Allie swallowed as she took in the fact that he was naked. And very happy to see her.
“Yeah, that definitely helps,” she said.
He chuckled and turned to open the drain in the tub and pull the lever to start the shower.
“This will help too.” He gathered her close, slipping his hands under her butt and lifting her.
She gave a little shriek as he turned them and stepped into the shower with her. The shriek turned to a groan, though, as she slid a little and her hot, wet center came into contact with his erection.
“How we doing?” he asked huskily, hands splayed wide on her ass, moving her up and down against him again.
“Oh, yeah,” she groaned.
“Thought it might.” He slid her up and down again, her heat against his cock making him throb.
“More,” she gasped.
“Definitely,” he promised. “But I’ve got some more tasting and touching to do.”
He set her on her feet and turned until she was under the spray. She tipped her head so that her hair fell back from her face as it got wet, and closed her eyes. The water ran over her body, her nipples hardened and she sighed. The water flowing over her skin glistened and he felt his cock harden further. He skimmed his hands over her arms, her back, down over her breasts and stomach.
Her head came up, her eyes opening. Without looking, she reached for the soap on the ledge and rubbed it in her hands, then began smoothing it over his body, starting at his shoulders, spreading over his chest and down over his abdomen. Then lower. Dropping the soap, she took him in both hands, gliding up and down his length with just the right amount of pressure to nearly bring him to his knees.
“God, Allie,” he groaned.
“I just want to make sure that we get everything clean.”
She ran her hands up over his chest, taking the soap from his skin and then rubbing it over her breasts, then down her stomach before leaning so the water washed the bubbles from both of them.
He was panting by the time her fingers slid between her legs. She kept her eyes on his as she circled her *. Finally she smiled. “You can look, Gavin.”
“Thank god.” He not only looked, he went to his knees to get an up-close view.
She started to pull her hand away, but he caught her wrist. “Oh, no, you don’t. Keep going.”
She did. She parted her legs and circled the pad of her middle finger over her * again, nice and slow. Gavin ran his hands over the back of her thighs, gaze locked on her finger. She increased the rhythm and he glanced up to see her bottom lip pulled between her teeth, her eyes hot on him.
She slid her finger deep then, moaning softly as she did. Gavin felt his heart pound and he squeezed her thighs, dragging in a deep breath. Suddenly he had to be the one making her moan.
He came to his feet in one fluid motion, lifting one of her legs as he did it, spreading her open. He turned her back to the wall and pressed close.
“You okay?”
“God, yes.”
He thrust deep.
“Gavin!” she gasped.
“Allie,” he groaned, dropping his forehead to the wall over her shoulder and just pausing to feel. She was tight and hot and…all his. He moved his hips, eliciting a deep moan from her.
“Gavin.”
God, he loved hearing his name on her lips.
He moved again, pulling another groan from her. Then again. And again. Faster and deeper and harder.
Her fingers dug into his shoulders and her mouth went to his neck, where she sucked lightly, then licked, and he couldn’t get deep enough. He thrust three times, then kicked the curtain out of the way, lifted her and stepped out of the tub. He didn’t care that there was water spraying all over the bathroom, or that he was risking his neck by stepping out dripping wet. He had to be deep, as deep as he could get.
“Gavin?” she asked, just before he laid her down on the rug, knelt between her knees, spread her legs open and thrust again.
“Oh, yes,” she praised. “More.”
She looked so hot, spread out, dripping wet all over, begging him. He thrust fast and hard and deep and he could feel her inner muscles start to ripple. She grabbed the towel hanging from the rack over her head with both hands, using it to lift her upper body and press closer as he continued to drive into her. As her release built, she pulled harder on the towel, and the rack came loose. Gavin’s hand shot out and knocked it away before it hit her in the head as her orgasm swept over her.
She called out his name and gripped his hips with her thighs, and the way she milked him and the look of absolute bliss on her face sent him quickly over the edge.
He braced his arms, keeping his weight off of her for a moment, until he felt everything sweep over him and let go.
Then he slumped to the rug beside her with a heartfelt, absolutely contented sigh.
“Thank you.”
She didn’t think that she’d ever been more grateful to someone. And it was for sex.
But it was fantastic sex. With Gavin. It didn’t get better than that.
All of the tension and the sadness were gone. She was completely relaxed, sated, happy.
She hadn’t been any of those things, and certainly not all three together, in a really long time.
He chuckled. “I could say the same.”
She rolled toward him, breathing deep the scent of soap and man. “Seriously. Thank you for changing your mind about the rules. I really needed that.”
He didn’t say anything but she felt him stiffen slightly. And not in the good way.
Damn. “Gavin, I know you want this to be different…”
“It is different.”
But it wasn’t. He was her haven. As always. He’d made her feel all of the great things that he always made her feel, the great things that she was addicted to, that she needed in the midst of all the other crap.
It couldn’t be different. She needed it to be the same.
She propped herself onto one elbow. “What we’ve always had is really good, Gavin. It’s what I want. And need.”
“You don’t know what else it could be,” he said, finally looking at her. He stroked his hand over her hair. “You don’t know how much better it could be.”
Something in his voice, or his eyes, made her heart squeeze. She just wasn’t sure if it was love or panic.
Who would have guessed those two emotions could feel so similar? Heart pounding, hard to breathe, goose bumps all over.
She did love him. She always had. But he’d always panicked her too.
She knew almost from the beginning that they didn’t want the same lives. By their third date they talked about Promise Harbor, and he made it clear that he wasn’t going back. Ever. A smart woman would have just ended it then. At least, a smart women who knew she definitely was going back to the harbor. But by then, she was already in love and couldn’t walk away. Three dates and she was in deep.
So love and panic went hand in hand. She knew it would eventually end. She knew her heart would eventually break. She lived in fear of when that would happen.
Unless she didn’t think about it.
Her ability to shove her emotions down deep and ignore them had been practiced long before her mom got sick.
It was why she let him keep their relationship fun and sexy. He didn’t ask deep questions, he didn’t pry for information and she didn’t offer much up either. She’d figured it would help her keep some distance for her heart.
She’d been wrong, of course, but that had been her philosophy.
Interestingly, she didn’t need to bare her soul, or know everything he thought and felt, to fall for him. She’d fallen in love with how he’d wanted to take care of her, how he just wanted to be with her, not because he needed her like everyone else, but because he loved her. She also watched him take care of the animals he loved and how he was always there if someone needed to borrow money or needed a ride or needed to laugh. He didn’t do deep conversations or sage advice, but what he did do, he did very well. Gavin was honest and loyal and always did what he said he would do. In her eyes, that made him better than most people she knew, even if serious conversations about emotions gave him hives.
And now, his aversion to all things deep and serious was supposed to be working in her favor.
“Being with you, right now, is better than anything I’ve had for a really long time,” she told him honestly. Couldn’t that be enough?
“I know.”
His confidence was another thing that had always drawn her. That and his laid-back attitude.
“But I don’t just want to be better. I want to be the best.”
“You are—”
“No,” he said, pushing himself up off the rug. “But I will be. The best thing in your life, the best thing to ever happen to you.”
Okay. So the laid-back attitude had changed a little.
She scrambled to her feet too. “Gavin, I want you. I’m glad I’m here. Can’t we just—”
“We can get married.”
All of the oxygen in the room seemed to have disappeared. Allie felt her mouth drop open and her lungs try to expand, but nothing would happen.
He frowned at her. “Breathe.”
She tried. She really did.
Finally, he took her by the shoulders and leaned in, putting him on eye level with her. “Breathe.”
“Gav…”
“Jesus, did you hyperventilate when Josh proposed?”