chapter Three
“It’s been two days.”
“I know. How long can a person sleep?”
“She’s fine. When her system is ready, she’ll wake up.”
“This is ridiculous.”
“You don’t even know her name?”
“Allie.”
“No last name?”
“Nope.”
“He’s not saying a word to me either.”
“I found a wedding dress on the floor. He hasn’t told you anything?”
“Look, he said something about his and hers towels. I don’t know what that means.”
“It means he eloped with her!”
“He would have told us that. Wouldn’t he?”
Allie groaned and pulled a pillow over her head. Couldn’t these people have their gossip session somewhere else? They had to be outside her bedroom door—well, Gavin’s bedroom door—to talk about her?
She recognized the male voice as that of Gavin’s friend, Carter, who was apparently the local physician. He’d been the one here checking her vitals and taking blood out of her arm anyway. The other voices were female and she had no idea who they were. She also figured it was Gavin’s problem what they thought was going on with the wedding dress and everything.
“I know she’s from Massachusetts. Or at least that’s where he was when they got together. He’s not giving up any other information.”
“Isn’t he from the East Coast somewhere?”
“I thought he was from Kansas.”
“That’s where he went to vet school.”
“Well, thank god he finally got called out. He’s been driving me crazy.”
“Me, too.”
“Me, too.”
“He’s stomping around here, irritable, biting my head off. I’m about to tell him to f*ck off.”
Allie threw back the covers with a little growl. The pillow wasn’t shutting out enough noise. She stomped across the room to the half-open bedroom door and yanked it the rest of the way open.
“Could you go tell him to f*ck off now? It would get you away from this door.”
They all jumped and turned as one to stare at her.
“We, um…didn’t mean…” Carter stammered.
Carter stood between the two women. He was short, with dark hair and glasses and looked embarrassed at having been caught gossiping about her.
The woman closest to the bedroom door was thin and tall, nearly six feet, and had straight, blonde hair and intelligent blue eyes. She looked to be about the same age as Carter, Gavin and Allie. Her mouth was actually open as she stared.
Allie knew she looked like a mess. She was wearing another of Gavin’s T-shirts that hit her midthigh, panties and nothing else. She was sure her hair was wild because she’d gone back to bed with it wet after her shower yesterday, and she had no makeup on. And she didn’t care.
It was actually a freeing feeling. Typically she took great care with her appearance, making sure that her hair and makeup were done even to go to the grocery store in the harbor.
The other woman was only about five one, had streaks of red in her chin-length dark hair, wore a nose ring and was clearly much younger than the other two. She was the only one who let her gaze obviously travel over Allie from her hair to her toes and back again.
“Okay, let me help you out here,” Allie said, putting a hand on her hip, her other hand still on the doorknob. “Her name is Allie Ralston. Gavin knows her from high school and from dating her after college. In fact, they just broke up a little over a year ago. Yes, she’s from Massachusetts, as is Gavin. She’s feeling a lot better, thank you. And she had a wedding dress on because she was getting married when Gavin showed up and stopped it.” Allie tipped her head. “Anything else?”
“No, no…that’s fine… We’ll just—” Carter started.
“You were getting married?” the shorter girl demanded. “And Gavin showed up to stop it?”
Allie lifted a shoulder. She didn’t have much to add to that. “Yep.”
“Why?”
Allie frowned. Why? What kind of question was that? And what was with the disbelieving tone of voice?
“Because he didn’t want me to marry someone else.”
The younger girl’s eyes widened and she looked Allie up and down again.
Hey.
“I’m so glad you’re feeling better, Allie,” Carter said, taking each of the women by an elbow and trying to turn them toward the stairs. “I’ll be back to check on you later. Be sure to take all of the antibiotics.”
“You just left your wedding?” The girl shrugged Carter’s hand off. “And came here from Massachusetts? In the middle of the night?”
Allie put both hands on her hips and pulled herself up tall, aware that it drew the hem of the T-shirt higher on her legs. But she didn’t care. Her legs were one of her best features. “Yeah.”
“And now you plan to spend all your time in bed?”
There was something about this woman that rubbed Allie the wrong way. Possibly the way she pointed out the things about this situation that sounded really stupid out loud. “Now that I’m feeling better,” Allie said, chin up. “I’m planning to talk Gavin into exactly that.”
The girl’s eyes narrowed and Allie resisted sticking her tongue out.
She wasn’t saying it to mark her territory. Okay, she wasn’t saying it just to mark her territory. She’d been sleeping next to Gavin for two nights now, right up against him. She hadn’t let herself turn in to him, run her hands all over him, put her mouth in all the places she’d been fantasizing about, because if she was feeling good enough for that he might make her get out of bed during the day. She wasn’t ready for that. So she’d feigned sleep.
Now, though, looking at the three people in front of her, she was pretty sure her cover was blown. Gavin was going to know that she was out of bed, sounding quite coherent and sassy. Bitchy even.
She might as well plan to make the most of being awake and well.
“Now we’re going,” Carter said, finally successful in moving the women several steps toward the stairs. “Gavin’s out on a call. He should be back in a couple of hours. If you need anything, Lydia would be happy to help you.”
Ah, Lydia was the younger girl. She glared at Carter for his comment and Allie decided she wasn’t going to need anything from any of them.
She was quite used to taking care of herself and everyone else.
“No problem. I’m just going to jump in the shower so I’m ready when Gavin gets back.” She let the issue of what exactly she would be ready for just hang in the air between them.
“Great, great,” Carter said, nudging the two women down the stairs in front of him. “I’ll let him know.”
She was sure he would. Now Allie was going to have to face Gavin fully sober and awake.
Allie finished her shower, singing loudly as she quickly washed and shampooed so as not to think about how she was in Gavin’s shower, using Gavin’s shampoo and Gavin’s soap. She grabbed a towel, not thinking about how it was Gavin’s towel, and was in the midst of wrapping her hair up when she finally made a mistake in her avoidance routine.
She looked out the window.
It was an understatement to say that the landscape outside Gavin’s bathroom window was a lot different from the view she was used to. Even from inside the bathroom, the sheer awesomeness of the land outside hit her. It was so raw, so rugged. Everything was huge and rough and it seemed to go on forever.
Allie clutched her towel tightly and swallowed hard as reality—which she’d successfully kept out of her consciousness for the past two days—crashed into her.
Usually she was an expert at keeping reality under control. She let measured amounts in and only to a certain level of awareness. The deep, emotional part of her brain she’d kept nicely numb ever since her mother’s cancer diagnosis. She wasn’t about to start using it now.
But a little truth slipped past and landed square in the middle of her mind.
She was in Alaska. She was in Alaska. She was in Alaska.
Being unconscious was really preferable to the way her head started spinning.
Allie grabbed for the countertop and plopped onto the toilet, sparing only a millisecond to be grateful the lid was down.
Oh god. She’d walked out of her wedding, she was here with Gavin, she was in Alaska.
What the hell had she done?
She’d left home. Left her dad and brothers. Left Josh.
Oh god.
She leaned forward, resting her forehead on her knees and rocking back and forth. Oh god. She was here with Gavin.
Just like he’d always wanted. Just like he’d insisted she needed to be.
She tried to work up some anger toward Gavin. He’d brought her here. He’d taken advantage of her pathetic, drunk, sick state to get her here.
But it didn’t stick. Not even for a second. Gavin hadn’t done this. She had. This was all her fault.
She wanted to go back to bed.
Instead though, and incredibly proud of herself for it, she forced herself up. She didn’t need to go to bed. She just needed to keep busy. Move. Work. Plan. Do. Anything to keep from thinking. She knew for a fact that it worked. It’s what she’d been doing for the past nineteen months.
Drying off quickly, Allie headed into the bedroom for her bag. She’d showered yesterday while Gavin was gone, but she hadn’t been too concerned about anything in her luggage. She’d used his soap, shampoo, deodorant and brush. Then she’d pulled on another T-shirt from his dresser and had gone back to bed.
Grabbing her bags, she threw them onto the bed and unzipped the first, looking for lotion, a ponytail holder and body spray. Digging didn’t help her find any of those, so she finally upended it, dumping the contents onto the bedspread.
Her phone was the first thing to catch her eye.
Ugh.
She’d tucked her wallet and phone into this bag so she was sure to have them when they threw everything into Josh’s car after the reception. The wedding reception. The wedding reception that they would have been leaving as husband and wife.
She stared at all the travel bottles. She’d truly been prepared for the honeymoon trip. When she packed, she’d had every intention of being Josh’s wife when she next needed those bottles.
God, Josh must hate her.
And his mother must hate her. Allie closed her eyes and turned to slump onto the edge of the bed.
Sophie.
She had to be beside herself. Her dream wedding—the only thing that had really made her smile in the past year—had turned into a fiasco because of Allie.
Was Josh watching her more carefully now? Greta was there, so that would help. But if Sophie slid into one of her depressions because of this, Allie would never forgive herself.
Allie felt a tear slip down her cheek. They were never going to forgive her. She’d ruined everything.
She swiped angrily at the tear. No. She was not going to cry. Not now. Not because of this. She didn’t get to cry about this. She could have controlled this, she could have prevented it, she could have gone through with the wedding and kept everyone happy. This was all her fault.
She thought about Gavin storming up the aisle at the church and scooping her up to carry her out the side door.
Okay, this was eighty-five percent her fault.
But if she didn’t cry about the things that were out of her control, then she certainly didn’t get to cry about the stuff she messed up.
She got off the bed and made herself get dressed, stoically ignoring her phone as she pulled on white cotton capri pants and a green sleeveless blouse. She had no idea if she was dressing appropriately for Alaska, but she didn’t have much choice. The clothes in her bag had been intended for the honeymoon.
Stubbornly, she shut down the thoughts of Josh and their wasted trip. She stuffed her phone back in her bag, tossed the bag back on the floor and took five steps toward the door—then stopped.
Dammit.
She hadn’t been more than a foot away from that phone since the morning her mother called her with the news that the biopsy was positive.
Since then, Allie had officially taken over her mom’s position on four different committees—two for school, where they’d taught together, and two for the city. She’d stepped in to push her youngest brother, Danny, toward a college major and to push her middle brother, Charlie, toward a job. All the while doing their laundry and cooking for them just like Lily had. Allie also had a list of things she needed to take care of for her dad and a ton of expectations from Josh and his family. They all needed her to be strong and decisive and there. They all needed her to replace Lily.
And, dammit, she had.
Not a wrinkle or a blip was noticed by anyone. Not a single ball Lily had been juggling got dropped. Not one of the many hats she wore fell off.
Because Allie was there.
Could she step away from the phone now?
Allie eyed the pillow where she’d spent the last two days. Maybe she could just crawl back in there and close her eyes again and this would all go away. Sleep was the only place where she could really escape.
She knew they needed her. What were they going to do without her? Was Charlie going to think to check on the bills and make sure the payments were going in on time? Was Danny going to get up for class without her there? Was her dad going to think to do laundry before he completely ran out of shirts? And would he remember to turn the iron off after he ironed the shirts? If he thought to iron at all?
Allie took a deep breath.
She had to stop. She was here, in Alaska, with Gavin. She couldn’t do a damned thing about Danny’s classes or her father’s shirts.
To deal with that she was either going to climb back into bed or find something else to keep her busy.
Being busy was all that kept her going. She felt like if she stopped for too long everything would pile up on top of her and she’d never be able to climb out, so she just kept working and doing, planning and organizing. Her to-do list was like a security blanket. As long as she had something more to do, then she never had time to really think. Or feel.
So she needed a to-do list here.
First thing, make herself presentable.
In the bathroom, she dried her hair and pulled the sides up on top of her head with a gold clip while thinking about talking Gavin into a tour of his place and the town. She’d never been to Alaska but she knew it was gorgeous. She wanted to see some glaciers. And whales.
As she applied light makeup, she thought about all of Gavin’s favorite foods and made a mental list of ingredients. She’d go through the kitchen before he got back to see what she had to work with and figure out if she could surprise him with dinner.
Feeling better now that she had a plan, Allie ventured out of the bedroom for the first time since arriving in Alaska. She ignored the butterflies in her stomach. That was stupid. Nothing bad was going to happen just because her phone was on a different floor, she had no email access and she was thousands of miles from home.
Or if it did, it wouldn’t be because she was away from her phone and email and was thousands of miles from home.
She groaned. That wasn’t really helping.
Then she stepped through the doorway into the rest of the house.
That helped.
The house was amazing.
The bedroom was actually a loft above the main room of the house. She stepped out onto a landing that overlooked the living room. The room had twenty-foot ceilings and the wall facing Allie was made up of windows overlooking what had to be acres of wilderness with mountains in the distance. It was breathtaking, and for a moment she just stood and stared.
No wonder Gavin loved it here. Waking up to that every morning was not a bad way to start the day.
As she moved down the staircase, she took note of the furniture Gavin had picked: the packed bookshelves, the stone fireplace, the huge entertainment center. The browns and tans were warm and masculine, everything was big and solid, and it made her feel comfortable and safe. All just like Gavin.
She wished he was here. The thought hit her as she stepped off the bottom step and looked around. She was lost. Not just in this house but in general. She didn’t know her way to or around town—she couldn’t even remember the name of the town at the moment. She certainly couldn’t find it on a map.
She was standing in the middle of a place she couldn’t even find on a map.
Allie made herself breathe and grabbed the banister.
She really wished Gavin was here.
When he was with her, this made sense somehow. She wanted this, wanted him, and when he was in front of her, walking away from everything else she knew and loved didn’t seem crazy.
But at the moment, things definitely seemed crazy. And scary. And like going back to bed was a really good idea.
Allie turned back toward the stairs and even lifted her foot, but she glanced out the window again before she could step up.
In bed she couldn’t see that.
It was gorgeous and vast and wild and…different. It seemed surreal, like something in a movie, retouched to make the colors brighter and everything bigger. The land was covered in trees, and it seemed to stretch forever. The mountains in the distance could have been in a painting. It was almost impossible for her to grasp that it was all real. It was so different from what she was used to. And it was beautiful. Though that didn’t seem like an adequate word.
Okay. She could do this.
She turned to the room and looked around again. The kitchen couldn’t be too far away.
Across the room, a large, arched doorway led to a room with ceramic tile visible from Allie’s vantage point. A moment later she stepped into a gigantic modern kitchen. Everything shone in the morning sun that swept in through windows almost as large as the living room’s, and there wasn’t a crumb to be found.
She didn’t remember Gavin being so neat. She appreciated that trait immensely. She’d cleaned up after enough men to last her a lifetime. She wondered if her brothers would think to buy Dad’s favorite cereal when they finally had to go to the store because the peanut butter jar didn’t magically refill itself. Then she stubbornly pushed those thoughts away. She couldn’t do a thing about that from here, and her dad certainly knew his way to the grocery store if he needed something. What he’d get once he was there was anyone’s guess, but she couldn’t do anything about that from here either. Frozen pizza wouldn’t kill him. Thank god he was working for Sophie at the Brewsters’ landscaping business. He’d gone to work for the Brewsters after his accident, and having Sophie and Josh look out for him during work hours gave Allie a lot of relief. But there were twenty-four hours in a day.
Allie glanced toward the living room and the staircase to the bedroom. She could quickly text one of her brothers. Or call her dad. Or see if Mrs. Paulsen could take a casserole over.
Dammit.
She gripped the counter, closed her eyes and counted to ten. For god’s sake. She didn’t need to do any of those things.
She needed to do something here. For a change she was going to cook for a man who didn’t need her to, for a man who could fend for himself very nicely. Doing something for someone because she wanted to do it instead of because she had to do it would be a welcome relief.
Newly determined, Allie started opening cupboards, inventorying the pots and pans and utensils as well as the food.
As she went, she decided to pull things out and rearrange to put things in a more logical place for use. Gavin probably didn’t think about this stuff—and she was willing to bet he’d never used his crepe pan—but if she was going to be staying for a while, it made sense to make the kitchen as user-friendly as possible.
She was just fitting the beater into the mixer for the snickerdoodles she’d decided to make when she heard, “What in the hell do you think you’re doing?”
She swung around to find Lydia staring at her from the doorway that led down another hallway she hadn’t investigated yet.
“I’m making Gavin cookies.” Allie pushed the beaters into place and plugged the mixer in.
“No you’re not.”
Allie looked at the flour, sugar, eggs and butter sitting on the countertop. “Uh, yes I am.”
Lydia came into the room, her cheeks pink, her eyes glittering. “I make Gavin cookies on Fridays. He still has chocolate chip left from a few days ago.”
“Well, these are snickerdoodles and he likes them better than chocolate chip,” Allie said, cracking the eggs into the bowl.
Lydia’s eyes widened as she watched. “He does not. He loves my chocolate chip.”
Allie cut the stick of butter into squares and dumped it in the bowl.
Lydia gritted her teeth.
“Chocolate chip are his second favorite,” Allie agreed. “But snickerdoodles are number one.”
“You’re not making cookies. This is my kitchen. I cook for Gavin.” Lydia folded her arms.
“This is your kitchen?” Allie asked. She measured and added the sugar and Lydia gasped.
“Yes. I take care of Gavin. I clean the house, answer the clinic phone, shop for groceries, cook and bake.”
Allie looked at the girl, realization dawning. Lydia had a crush on Gavin.
That could be…complicated.
She set her spoon down. “I’m just trying to stay busy. I’m going a little nuts.”
Lydia cocked an eyebrow that said she was pretty sure Allie was already there.
Allie gave her a frown. “Anyway, I just need something to do until Gavin gets back. I’m just going to finish these and—”
“No, you’re not.”
Allie blinked at her, surprised. “Yeah, I am.”
“No.”
Allie picked up the mixer. “Yes.”
“This week is Rice Krispies bars,” Lydia said stubbornly.
“Fine. Make Rice Krispies bars. I’m going to make these.” She put the beaters into the bowl and pushed the on switch. The mixer whirled for five seconds before stopping. “What the…” She looked up to find Lydia holding the end of the cord where she’d pulled it from the outlet.
“You’re not making those. Give me the bowl.”
Allie frowned. “No way.”
“Yes. I make the cookies. Snickerdoodles aren’t for two more weeks.”
Wow, and she’d been accused of being a type A personality. “Then I’ll eat these. Or give them to Carter or something. Whatever. I just want something to do.” She pulled the cord from Lydia’s hand and turned to plug it in to a different outlet.
When she turned back, Lydia was holding the bowl. “You can go make Carter cookies at his place.”
“I don’t know where Carter lives.” Allie grabbed the other side of the bowl and pulled.
Lydia pulled back. “I’ll give you directions.”
Allie pulled harder. “I’m not here with Carter. I’m here with Gavin.”
Lydia’s eyes narrowed. “I’ve been here with Gavin for a year.” She yanked hard enough to cause a drop of the sticky precookie dough to splash onto her shirt. She didn’t seem to care.
Allie knew that there was nothing going on with Lydia and Gavin. Lydia was twenty, maybe, and if Gavin was with her—or anyone—he wouldn’t have been at Allie’s wedding. That was something she knew for certain.
She had no reason to fight with this girl over Gavin.
But she really wanted to make the cookies.
She. Needed. Something. To. Do.
Cripes, if Lydia had any idea how crazy Allie might get if she was just sitting around here thinking, the girl would be gathering recipes and offering to run to the store just to keep her sane.
“Lydia,” Allie said, pulling on the bowl again. “I have no desire to take over your jobs. I’m not honing in on anything here.” Not that there was anything to hone in on except the kitchen duties. “I just need to keep busy. Please.”
Even the “please” didn’t sway the other woman. “Go get busy somewhere else.”
Right. Somewhere else. What was she going to do? Watch TV? She hadn’t sat in front of a television in months. Head into town? She didn’t have a vehicle and she’d be lost within five minutes of putting it into drive anyway. She could play solitaire, but that was a sure recipe for crazy. She could read but…well, okay, she could read. But she wanted to make cookies.
“I’m already doing this.” She yanked on the bowl again.
“Stop it. You…”
“What is going on?”
They both let go of the bowl at the sound of Gavin’s voice. The pink plastic hit the wood floor, and both women jumped back as the gooey mixture of sugar, eggs and butter splattered on both of their shoes, the bottom cupboard and the floor.
“Ladies?” Gavin had his arms folded.
“I was trying to make some cookies,” Allie said.
“In my kitchen,” Lydia said, stomping toward the sink. “Without asking.”
“If I’d asked you would have been okay with it?” Allie asked.
“No. But it’s the polite thing to do.” Lydia returned with a wet rag and knelt to begin the cleanup.
Allie started to reach for the bowl to help but Lydia grabbed it first, pulling it out of Allie’s hand. “Hey.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it.”
Allie frowned. “I’ll help.” She headed for the roll of paper towels.
“Don’t bother.”
“It’s fine. I know how to scrub a floor.”
“No one’s asking for your help.”
Allie wet several towels and knelt next to Lydia. “You don’t have to ask.”
When was the last time someone actually asked Allie to do something? Everyone just expected it would get done.
“I’d rather do this myself,” Lydia said, not looking up as she wiped the cupboard clean.
“Well, I’d rather—”
“You have something else you need to be doing.” Gavin’s strong arm came around Allie and he picked her up.
“Hey!”
“You’re coming with me.” Holding her against him with just one arm clamped around her waist, he tossed the bag he’d been carrying toward the hallway where Lydia had appeared. “Take that to the clinic, okay?” he asked.
“You got it,” Lydia said.
Allie rolled her eyes. Was there anything Lydia said no to where Gavin was concerned?
She let Gavin carry her as far as the living room, out of Lydia’s hearing. Then she wiggled. “Let me down.”
He did, but he crossed his arms again and stood practically on top of her. “Why are you harassing my housekeeper?”
“I wasn’t harassing her.” Allie frowned at him. “I was making cookies, for god’s sake. I didn’t know there was a background check and secret handshake required to be in the kitchen.”
Gavin smiled at that. “Lydia doesn’t even let me in there, if it’s any consolation.”
Allie sighed. “I was just trying to keep busy.”
“She’s a little…territorial,” Gavin said.
“Yeah. Of you.”
“No.” He shook his head. “I know it seems that way, but she’s just loyal to me. I gave her a job when no one else would, and she feels like she owes me. She works hard and is proud of what she does.”
“Why wouldn’t anyone else give her a job?” Allie asked.
“She killed a man.”
Allie stared at him. She swallowed. Then she asked, “She what?”
Gavin held the serious look for only a moment before his grin broke free. “No. She ran away from home and ended up here. Somehow. Anyway, hiring a stranger without references wasn’t a risk anyone else wanted to take.”
Running away from home. It seemed Lydia and Allie might have something in common after all.
“Why’d she leave home?”
Gavin shrugged. “I don’t know. She doesn’t want to talk about it.”
“And you’re okay with that.” She knew he was. He didn’t like to talk about his family and Promise Harbor either. That had always been a sore spot in their relationship. Their feelings toward their families and home were so different, and it had eventually pulled them apart.
“I’m okay with it,” he said with a nod. He was looking into her eyes, as if he was searching for something. “But I’m not okay with it from you. So don’t even think about it.”
“I have to talk?”
“Yep.”
“To you?”
“Yes. Deep, dark secrets, how you feel, dreams and wishes, the whole bit.”
She stared at him. This wasn’t Gavin. They didn’t do deep, serious stuff. They’d talked about dreams and plans. Until they’d realized that their plans would take them in two different directions. They’d then ignored those conversations just like they ignored anything stressful or frustrating or downright screwed-up that ever happened.
Their time together was about fun and romance and living in the moment and enjoying. They had their own little bubble and they both protected it.
“Since when do you want to know about deep, dark, serious stuff?” she asked with a frown. That was not what she wanted or needed. Her life had been deep, dark and serious for a long time now. She needed Gavin to be…Gavin. Fun and sweet and spontaneous.
The kind of guy who would storm into a wedding and steal the bride.
He frowned back at her. “I’ve grown up.”
She couldn’t help that her eyebrows went up.
“I have.” He looked offended by her obvious disbelief.
“That’s just…a weird thing to say,” she told him. “You’ve always been a grownup.” It wasn’t that Gavin was juvenile or immature or anything. He loved to try new things—new bands, new foods, new museums. He was well educated, well read, loved to travel, followed world events and politics.
“Well, then I’ve gotten serious,” he said.
Hmm. If that was true, it might be a problem. “Why?”
“Why did I get serious?” he repeated.
That didn’t seem right either. It wasn’t that he hadn’t been serious. He’d been dedicated in vet school and then very focused when starting his career. Even when they were together having fun, he’d been…determined. That didn’t sound like it should go with “fun”, but it was true. Gavin pursued fun like he’d pursued her, and school and work—the things that mattered to him. “I mean, why with me? We’ve always avoided serious, haven’t we?”
His frown deepened. “Yeah, well, you were about to say I do to another guy. That’s very serious to me, Allie.”
Ah. He was twisted up about her almost-marriage. That was good. She’d hoped he’d have some emotions about the situation. It looked like it had gone so far as to knock good-time Gavin serious.
“But I didn’t. So it’s a moot point. No need to get all serious about it.” She really didn’t want to talk about Josh or her Wedding That Wasn’t or all the people who were disappointed and upset and even angry now.
She really, really didn’t.
She wanted to have fun. She wanted to go roller-skating or rafting, or play paintball or strip Old Maid or dirty-word hangman.
“If you need someone’s deep, dark secrets, ask Lydia,” Allie said, not making eye contact.
“No.”
“Why not? She might really need someone to talk to.”
“If she does, she knows where I am.”
“But you’re not going to insist with her?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m not in love with her.”
Allie’s gaze came immediately back to his and she stared at him. God, hearing those words sent emotions spiraling through her, rocking her.
“But I am in love with you,” he said. “I want it all from you. You’re going to have to spill everything.”
Damn. She hadn’t been expecting this at all. When he’d shown up like a superhero at the very last moment to save her, she’d been sure this would be more of what Gavin did best—making her feel good, taking care of her.
He was her haven. When she was with him, they laughed and made love and tried things like rock climbing and hot-air ballooning. They were spontaneous and didn’t worry about schedules. Of course, school was important and they’d both worked to help with the bills, but when they had time off, they made the most of it. Together.
He’d had a sixth sense for what she needed. She’d go home to the harbor, without him, and spend the weekend with her family. When she got back to Boston she’d be tired or frustrated or worried, but Gavin always made it good again. Sometimes they’d head out to a sexy couples yoga class, sometimes a trip to their favorite dessert shop, sometimes to a late-night showing of an Audrey Hepburn movie. Sometimes they’d just drink great wine and dance on the balcony. Whatever it was, it erased the stress of the weekend and effectively focused her back on him and their life together, where things were just how she wanted them.
She wanted that.
To feel good. To have Gavin make her feel good.
She wanted massages and dessert and sex. Lots of hot, sweaty, forget-everything-else sex.
But no. Now he wanted to talk. About her feelings. Ugh.
She couldn’t do it. It was too much of a risk. It was too dangerous. He didn’t know what he was asking.
If she let even one little thing out—like how she was afraid to open any of the drawers in her dad’s kitchen because she might find a pack of gum with a stick missing and know her mother had chewed that one piece, or worse, an old grocery list in her mother’s handwriting—she’d curl up into a little ball, start crying and never stop.
Allie pressed her lips together and shook her head.
“Oh, yes,” Gavin said, lifting his thumb to free her lower lip. “I want everything, Al.”
She wanted to push him away as badly as she wanted to hug him.
Hugging was also something she hadn’t let many people do. It was dangerous too. The dam she’d put up to hold all the emotions back was at risk of crumbling. Josh was the only one she’d talked to about problems and feelings, and they’d had an understanding—they talked about their families’ problems and feelings, not their own.
But with Gavin it was different. She needed this—to feel him, to know he was real and here. She leaned forward and he immediately took her into his arms. Her body molded to his as his arms went around her. She pulled in a deep breath of his scent, absorbing how warm and solid and strong he felt into her bones.
This was where she belonged.
It all made sense when he was here.
All the yucky, sad stuff went away and instead she got to feel cared for and like nothing bad could ever happen.
As long as Gavin held her and touched her and kissed her and smiled at her, reality was a distant and dim memory.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you when your mom died.”
Unless he talked about the yucky, sad stuff.
She stiffened and tried to pull back but he held on. “I don’t want to talk about that.”
“I know. I know we don’t talk about this stuff. But I have to tell you this.”
She steeled herself. Gavin was her shelter and he knew it. Deep down, she’d suspected that had something to do with why he hadn’t come for the funeral—for her. Because that wasn’t what they did.
Gavin was a pro at making her forget. And now he was making her think.
“I didn’t know that she’d passed away until two weeks after the funeral. By then I knew it was too little, too late to call and say I was sorry. A plant or flowers would have been dumb at that point and…” He trailed off and took a deep breath.
Allie felt his chest rise and fall under her cheek, but she didn’t dare look up at him. She felt tears begin to sting, and she tightened her arms around his waist and held on.
“I was a selfish bastard, but I chose to stay away instead of come home, because I knew if I came back to see you, I’d never leave,” he said quietly.
She tried to focus on the selfish bastard part, to work up some anger or hurt. It was true. He was more comfortable being the good-time guy, the hero who saved her from all the hurt. In Promise Harbor after her mom’s death, the hurt was everywhere, in everything. He couldn’t have saved her, and she was sure that was part of why he hadn’t come.
But, she’d wanted to be saved. She’d wanted—dreamed of—him coming for her just like he had at the wedding. Sweeping her off her feet. Carrying her away from it all.
“I ached to see you. I lay awake every night, thinking about what you were going through. I was a complete a*shole to everyone around here for weeks. You can ask them. I’m sure they’d confirm it.”
She smiled against his shirt but still said nothing. What could she say? That it was all right? It wasn’t. She’d needed him and he hadn’t been there. But they could go forward from here.
She tipped her head back to look up at him. “You want to make me feel better?”
She needed him to stop talking. She needed to stop thinking.
“Of course.” He ran his hands up and down her back. “That’s why you’re here. To get better. To feel good again. To let someone else take care of you for a change.”
“Then kiss me.”
Heat flared in his eyes as her request registered. He swallowed. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
“I think it’s a great idea,” she countered.
“I’m not sure you’re ready for that.” But he didn’t move back or try to let her go.
“How could I not be ready for it?”
“It’s just…fast. With everything else that’s going on. I just want you to be here, to relax, to rejuvenate…”
“You don’t want to have sex with me?”
He swallowed again and his gaze dropped to her lips. “I didn’t say that.”
“This isn’t exactly new territory for us, you know,” she said. “I know what to expect. And I know it will make me feel better.”
He drew in a long breath. “It’s kind of new. It’s been awhile. A lot’s changed.”
She thought she knew what was going on. She was a mess. Gavin had never seen her like this. No one had. She didn’t just handle things, she handled them well.
She was strong, and that made Gavin’s job of helping her forget about her worries and frustrations easy and guilt-free. She didn’t need to be coddled and cuddled. She needed to be distracted.
Sex with Gavin definitely distracted her. It made her forget her own name most of the time.
“I’m not delicate, Gavin. I’m not going to break.”
“Yeah, well, you don’t know what I have planned for you,” he muttered.
She grinned at that. And it felt really good. “Is that right?”
“I have some big-time pent-up emotions going here,” he said.
Allie couldn’t help the warmth that spread through her. It was the weird combination of desire and comfort she always felt with Gavin. How could she not be addicted to him? No guy had ever made her feel the way he did. He made her smile even when he was turning her on.
“Kiss me,” she said again, pulling back and going onto tiptoe. He wouldn’t say no. Gavin always wanted her. The sex was amazing. Way amazing. Not-fair-to-the-other-guys-in-the-world amazing.
Gavin sighed and pulled her hips closer. “Having you in my bed again has been wonderful and horrible,” he said, his gaze traveling over her face. “Having you in my arms makes me sure that you’ll be okay, that I can take care of you, but sleeping next to you and not touching you has been torture.”
“We’ve never spent the night in the same bed without sex,” she said, realizing it herself for the first time. That he’d held her, and only held her, meant a lot.
“I know. I’m a strong advocate for that habit,” he said with a grin. “But this was nice too.”
Allie felt tears threatening. God, she hated that. Why was she constantly on the verge of crying? This was no time to cry. Gavin had been sweet and protective and wonderful. That wasn’t anything new or surprising.
But it felt so good.
Sex. Hard, fast, awesome, sweaty sex. That’s what she needed. All these mushy feelings would go away if they could just get naked.
She ran her hands up under the edge of his shirt. “I’ve never had sex in Alaska.”
His grin fell away and want was immediately clear in his eyes, as if it had been just under the surface and he’d been trying to cover it up. “Me either.”
She stared at him. Did he mean… Had he seriously… “What?” she asked.
“I’ve never had sex in Alaska either.”
She believed him. But she was amazed. Not that she’d expected him to have a different girl every night or anything, but he certainly hadn’t been a virgin when they’d gotten together, and he was seemingly insatiable with her.
Gavin was gorgeous and masculine with a voracious sexual appetite that was also varied—they’d done it all from various positions to toys to role-playing.
How was it possible that he hadn’t had sex for a year?
“You go into Canada for sex?” she asked.
He shook his head. “I haven’t been with anyone since you and I met in Denver.”
That was the last time they’d been together. It had been three months after her mom got sick. Allie hadn’t intended to call him, certainly not to see him, after they’d broken up the last time. But she had to get away. She had to lose herself for just a few days in the midst of all the sadness and pain. And he’d been the first one—the only one really—that she’d wanted to see.
He hadn’t even asked why. He’d just said, “I’ll be in Denver tonight.”
That had been a wild weekend too. They’d been naked in the hotel suite for a solid forty-eight hours. He’d made her scream and laugh, and she’d loved him in that weekend more than she ever had. He’d met her, without question, and given her exactly what she needed, somehow knowing without her saying a word. She hadn’t wanted to talk about things at home. She hadn’t wanted to think about home. She’d just wanted to feel good.
Like now.
He was doing it again. Saving her without question.
She didn’t know what to say to him. He hadn’t been with anyone since her. He hadn’t been with anyone else while they were together—not that he would have had time or energy for anyone else anyway—and she’d only been with Josh…
No way was she thinking about her ex-fiancé right now.
She turned and pulled Gavin with her up the stairs to the bedroom. He followed without a word. The minute they were through the doorway, she turned, put her hand at the back of his head, pulled him forward and kissed him.
That was all it took.
His fingers curled into her hips and he lifted her up against him. His lips opened, his tongue stroking boldly, possessively. Then he ran his hand down to her thigh, lifting it and turning her at the same time. He backed her up against the door, his erection pressing against her, and Allie gasped. All she could think about or feel was Gavin. His body, his heart rate, his heat, his scent. She wanted it all to wrap around her and fill her up.
Every sense was overwhelmed by him. Exactly what she needed.