Hard to Hold On

chapter Twenty-Seven



Natalie



I pull out my mascara with a sigh before staring into the mirror. Tyler’s having another party tonight and I’m sort of excited to see him but something has been telling me to check in with Nolan again. I know he’s sick of seeing my name pop up on his screen but he should be calm by now. He should have thought it over.

I was thinking it would be too much to go to his apartment and bang his door down but while thinking it, I didn’t care. If beating his door down would get him to listen, then I would have done it. But I didn’t. I knew it would lead to more drama and another argument. I’ve decided to actually give him his space again and continue to hope he’ll call me back one of these days.

I feel terrible for leading Tyler on but I don’t want to break it off so soon. He’s a really nice guy and I know it’s wrong of me to use him as a distraction but I don’t mind him being around. I’m glad he isn’t looking for a relationship. We’re more like friends . . . with benefits. He isn’t looking for anything serious and neither am I so it’s made everything much easier for me.

I don’t need to commit again. I don’t want to unless it’s with Nolan. He’s the only person I can see myself with now. He’s the first person I think of when my eyes open. When I’m lonely at night, he’s the one I want to be with. Between his arms is where I want to be when there’s a hole in my chest that needs to be filled but I’ll most likely have to change this scenario if he keeps avoiding me.

After applying mascara, I turn the lights off and go for my keys. I check the hall mirror once more, tucking a loose tendril behind my ear. Harper dyed my hair jet-black last night and I love it. It was time for something new. I swore to myself I was going to become a new Natalie and I had never changed my hair color before so I went for it. Of course Harper brought it to my attention but I agreed so this proves something has changed within me.

My hair is straight, silky, and against my shoulders. I’ve decided to go with dark skinny-jeans, a white belly shirt, and gold jewelry. Harper went with Dawson to the party and I know I’m late so I rush out of the door, lock it behind me, and then hop into the elevator.

****

The party is live, more packed than last the last time. I can see the lights from outside. They’re bouncing off the walls in various colors and I can even hear yelling and laughter. I park my car and hop out, ready for a good party.

A few people are on the porch chatting with plastic red cups in hand. Some are near the lake making out. At the sight of them, it brings back memories of the sex Nolan and I had on the beach beneath the dock right after he fought my best friend Mark. My stomach flips as I grab the door knob and step in.

The heavy scent of sweat fills my lungs and the first thing I see is people dancing, either alone or against one another. Most of the people in the room have plastic red cups in hand which most likely contain liquor.

As I scan the living room, I spot Dawson and Harper dancing. Her eyes are shut and her hips are completely glued against his groin. There is literally no space between them. Dawson runs his hands up her bare thigh and her head falls back. She grips a lock of his long blonde hair and he kisses her neck. They’re performing a damn show on the dance floor but I’m the only one who seems to notice.

I laugh as I watch them. I won’t kill her moment. She and Dawson seem to be having fun and now it’s my turn. I turn my head slowly and look towards the kitchen. I don’t know where Tyler is but I don’t want to run into him until I have something in my system. Pushing through the crowd, I hurry for the kitchen and as soon as I’m in, I see someone who shouldn’t even be here.

Standing in front of the counter with a cup in his hand and a smile on his lips is Nolan. He has on a fitted black T-shirt that sticks to every crease of his upper body. His jeans are snug against his waist and his hair is gelled in the sexy, purposely messy way that always drives me crazy.

I come to a sudden halt, looking at him from head to toe. In front of him is a girl with dark hair and a drink in her hand. When I see her smiling up at him, something pinches inside of me and I march ahead. I take a few steps forward, pushing through the people who are in my way until I reach them.

Nolan’s grey eyes widen at the sight of me. His eyes start from my new hair color and then down to my cleavage. He scans me intensely and I bite on my lower lip with a fidget. Swallowing, I stare into his eyes and he places his cup down on the counter in front of him. “Natalie,” he breathes over the music. The girl standing in front of him scowls at me before walking away. I’m glad she knows she’s in no competition.

Nolan’s head tilts and he brings his hands up to touch my arm. My breath catches and I force myself to take a step back. “Is there any way we can talk?”

“Talk about what, exactly?”

“Everything, Nolan. You’ve been ignoring me.”

“There’s plenty of time to talk later,” he says, leaning in to place his lips against my ear. He picks his cup back up and hands it to me. “Come on.”

Instead of arguing, I take the cup and the hand he offers and we make our way through the crowd to get to the dance floor. My emotions are all over the place but what I’m feeling most is a thrill. A small shrill of happiness. I love this. His hand against mine. That small smirk on his lips as he passes each guy in the crowd who can’t seem to look away from me. I guess the new hair color has worked wonders.

Spinning around, Nolan stares down at me with the softest grey eyes ever. A smirk is still on his lips and his head is still tilted. It’s driving me insane so I gulp my drink down to keep myself in check. He places my cup on a table nearby then turns me around. My butt presses against him and he groans in my ear, burying his nose through my hair. Heat tingles the skin on my neck, causing me to step backwards and press my hips in between his. Hooking an arm around me, he clings onto my middle and begins to move.

“Remember the first day we met,” he says in my ear.

Heat ignites and I nod recklessly. “Yeah.”

“You were like nothing I’d ever seen before. Sexy. Unique. Sweet.” My hips begin to move with his as he murmurs in my ear. It’s a huge turn on and right now all I want to do is drag him upstairs. “What happened to us, Bunny? I want it back. I want you back.”

“I do, too, Nolan.”

He turns me around and his hand cups my ass. “Then why did you move on so fast?” he asks staring into my eyes.

Pressing my hand against his chest, we begin to rock back and forth and I feel him growing harder. I lick my lips and he brings his head down to place his lips against my neck. I literally melt on the inside. My core is overheating. “I didn’t move on,” I say. “I was just waiting on you.”

“That’s a lie. I’ve been waiting for you, babe.”

“I can’t tell. I thought you were mad at me. I thought you never wanted to talk to me again.”

“I still might be a little upset, but I know we need to talk to clear things up. I want this to work more than anything. I love you, Natalie.”

He pulls back to look into my eyes but mine remain wide. His hand is still cupping my ass. His lips are near and I want to kiss him so badly, but would it be right? Will it still feel the same? I’m curious to know.

I inch in closer just as he does and everything outside of us seems to slow down. Everything outside of us is a blur. The lights, the music. All I can hear is the bass of it. All I can feel is him against me, holding onto my waist and most likely never wanting to let go. There’s a magnet between us and it’s heavy, powerful. I don’t want our magnets to turn in the opposite direction and push one another away again.

“Natalie?” someone calls, interrupting us.

Blinking, I turn my head to my right to face Tyler. In an instant, I pull away with wide eyes but Nolan tries to cling on.

“Oh, Tyler,” I breathe.

“I was looking for you,” he says, looking from me to Nolan who is scowling at him. “I’m sorry I didn’t answer my phone. I had to go pick up some beers and I left my phone here.”

“I understand,” I nod.

His lips press together as he nods as well. “Can I steal her away from you?” Tyler asks Nolan.

Nolan’s mouth clamps shut and then he pulls away from me. Lifting his hands, he shrugs while taking a step back but his jaw ticks countlessly. “Be my guest.”

“Thanks—and I’m sorry for pushing the wrong button with you last week. No drama tonight. Just fun.”

“Yeah,” Nolan says, his smile dry. “Right. No drama.” He looks from Tyler to me with eyes as hard as steel and then makes his way through the crowd. I watch until he disappears and then look at Tyler who’s smiling with his fingertips now tucked into his front pockets.

“Was I interrupting something?”

“Uh . . . no,” I lie. “How’s it going?”

“Great. Just wanted to check in, you know? Kind of missed you.” Winking, he pulls me against him and I expect to feel the butterflies and the heat but I don’t. With Tyler it’s just not the same. No matter how much time I spend with him, there’s never the full spark I want to feel. I’m not as thrilled or as excited with him as I am with Nolan. With Nolan, there’s a fire that ignites throughout me. The fire is so strong that sometimes I can’t think straight. With Tyler . . . my mind isn’t as boggled.

“Nat!” I turn around quickly, facing Harper who is grinning at me. I’m so glad she’s found me because being with Tyler at this moment—while my hormones are raging—is not good. I don’t want them to plummet. The drink I had is already getting to me and I want to continue to feel good, not have it go downhill. “Nat, did you see Nolan? He’s in the kitchen with Dawson.”

“Yeah, I saw him, Harp.”

She frowns. “Well what the hell are you still standing here for?” She looks at Tyler as if she’s just now seeing him and blinks quickly. “Oh, yeah . . . right. Hi, Tyler.”

“Harper,” he sighs. “Look, you ladies have fun. I’ll go check on the house. Don’t want anything to get too messed up.” He forces a smile, winks, and then walks away.

“Harper,” I whine as soon as he’s out of earshot. “Why would you say that in front of him? I already feel bad.”

“And you should,” she frowns. “Nolan is here for you and you only. Don’t make him available. These girls are hounding him like horny bitches.”

Sighing, I turn away from her and hurry for the kitchen. Sure enough, a girl is brushed against Nolan’s side and aiming for his attention but his gaze seems to be distant. In fact, he’s not even looking her way. I make my way towards him again and as soon as he spots me, he smiles. It’s faint but it’s a smile.

“I think we should talk now.”

He smirks, stepping away from the girl beside him. I grab his hand and this time I lead the way out. I push through the crowd, heading for the stairs and hoping I don’t run into Tyler. I want alone time with Nolan right now and I don’t want any interruptions. I just want it to be Natalie and Nolan. No one else outside of us.

I go for the bedroom with an open door and turn the light switch on. Nolan shuts the door behind us, locks it, and then turns around to look at me. The bass of the music is faint but I’m glad I can still hear it because the silence between us is about to pass for awkward.

Nolan finally makes his move. Taking slow, gradual steps towards me, he reaches a hand up and runs it through his dark hair. His shirt rises and I catch a glimpse of his firm abdomens before he drops his arm and stops less than an inch away from me.

His head tilts, and he moves his head in closer, our lips almost touching. I can feel him breathing evenly. I can feel the heat radiating from his body. “I don’t think you realize how much you actually mean to me, Natalie. I don’t like to see you with him.”

“Well that won’t change until you tell me what went on with you and Sharon.” He blinks and pulls back a little, thinking on it. What’s there to think about? Obviously if he’s hesitating to answer he must’ve done something. “Actually, I don’t know if I want an answer right now. I don’t know if I can handle hearing it,” I say, shaking my head.

“Well I want to tell you anyway. We have to make this work.”

“Will I be mad?”

“You might be, and you might not be.” He pulls me in by my belt loop and his knuckles brush against my stomach. My belly coils and my legs stiffen as he places his lips against my neck. He takes small steps forward and I take a few back until my back bumps against the nearest wall and then his hands grab at my hipbone. He picks me up in one swift gesture and groans as he presses his lips against my collarbone. “We’re not ending, Natalie. Never. I don’t care what I have to do to keep you, I will. I don’t care what I have to go through to keep you with me. You’re mine.”

A moan catches in my throat as he kisses me. One of his hands move from my thigh to one of my breasts. As he cups it, he groans. His arousal presses through my jeans and feeling it causes heat and moisture to trickle down and touch my panties.

“Have you had sex with him?” Nolan asks me, his voice husky.

I frown as his lips trail down to my neck. “Nolan—”

“Don’t lie to me, Natalie.”

“How is it your business? We aren’t dating.”

“Just because we aren’t dating doesn’t mean we don’t have mutual feelings. Nothing’s changed between us. If he has, I want to take back what’s mine so answer me.” I seal my lips, shaking my head. In an instant, he leans his head back to look into my eyes. “Please,” he begs.

“No. Damn it. I haven’t slept with him. I don’t want to sleep with anyone but you.”

He smirks, his grey eyes brightening before he dives in for another kiss. Twisting around, he begins to lower himself until his knees are on the floor. There’s a perfectly good bed beside us but I don’t question it. It feels too nice to have him against me; to have his lips on my skin, his fingers crawling beneath my shirt as he lays me on the carpet.

Nolan’s hands work their way down to my jeans and he unbuttons them. My back arches, allowing him to continue. He slides my jeans off before crushing my lips with his and I shut my eyes, ready to enjoy the feeling. I’ve wanted this for so long.

His finger sneaks beneath my panties and slowly slides into me. I moan and he groans as he rubs the flesh between. I pull his head down to kiss him again—to keep the intimacy going. His tongue plays and coaxes mine. I hear his belt buckle jingle and he adjusts himself to get his pants down but our lips never part. He presses himself against me and my stomach tightens. I grip his T-shirt but he pulls back to tug it over his head.

He glares down at me, as if I’m the only person on this entire planet he wants. He’s all that I want. I know he feels the same way. Leaning down, Nolan’s lips press against my neck and then kiss their way down to my breasts. He tugs my shirt over my head, pulls my bra down, and then licks my nipples. Heat sparks and I feel myself building up. My eyes squeeze shut from the erotic feeling. His mouth is like magic as it licks and sucks. He begins to move southward, and my legs tighten around him but he presses his palms against the inside of my thighs to keep me still and available to him.

I look down, watching as he bites on his bottom lip while pulling my panties down. Quickly, his hot tongue slides out to touch my core and I gasp through my teeth as he swirls it around my sweet area. I can really feel myself building up now. I want nothing but him inside of me—nothing but his hard body against mine. I want to mold and fill the room up with our steam and sweat.

My moans and pants pick up and then he pulls back. “Not yet,” he says against my lips.

He presses against me, placing feathery kisses against my cheek. I hook my legs around his waist, practically begging for him to dive inside of me but he holds off. I swear I hate when he holds off. He crushes my lips and swallows my moans with urgency—with need. He then strokes inside of me and I gasp, allowing my head to fall back. We both know it’s been a while.

“Shit, Natalie,” he hisses through his teeth. He grunts against my ear and the rhythm picks up. The music is pounding against my back through the floor and with each beat, Nolan strokes into me harder and harder. He groans against my ear, cupping my ass, and allowing the strokes to deepen. I squeal as he goes harder and harder. I’ve missed this so much and by the pleasure that’s written all over his face, I know he has as well.

His thumb rubs circles around me and I buck against him but he keeps a hand at my waist to keep me in place. The room spins around me and Nolan picks his speed up again. I didn’t think it was possible, but he does and with each stroke, I’m closer and closer to ecstasy. I’m closer to reaching my climax. Closer to feeling free.

“Oh, shit, Natalie I’ve missed this so much,” he says through his teeth. His head then falls back and he lifts my hips so they aren’t touching the floor. I squeeze my legs around his waist because it’s coming—from the both of us. A scream screeches out of me and he grunts heavily, his hips still pounding against me, before falling against my chest. We explode, releasing a satisfying sigh.

We pant heavily, our stomachs sinking and rising and our breath touching one another’s shoulders. I’m at an all-time high right now. It’s a familiar feeling I’ve missed. A feeling of being complete, whole. I’ve never felt this way with anyone but Nolan. Even when I was with Bryson, it never felt this way.

Nolan lifts up slowly and his palms press against the carpet as he gazes down at me. A smile is on his lips and he finally looks himself again. There doesn’t seem to be any stress, anger, or anything negative and it’s how it should be but I know it’s all going to change in only a matter of minutes. We’re going to talk soon—really talk—and I’m ready for it. I’m tired of the secrets and the games. I’m tired of the rumors and the stupidity.

I need to figure out if this struggle has been really worth it. I need to know if we’re really worth it. I need an answer now in order to know what to do from this moment on. I still don’t know if Nolan’s done anything with Sharon that may make me run away but I’ll find out tonight. Something just tells me he has, and I know I won’t like hearing it.