Hard to Hold On

chapter Twenty-Eight



Nolan



That felt good. Really good. I’ve been waiting to see her roll with pleasure ever since we’ve split. There are no words to describe how much I’ve missed her and her body. After we’re done, I help her to her feet and we get dressed. I glance over at her and she’s smiling which I’m glad for.

“So, where are we going to talk at?” I ask her after pulling my shirt on.

“Not here. Not while Tyler is around.” She gives me a side-glance and I sigh, watching as she buttons her jeans.

“Well how about for now we party like there’s no tomorrow?”

She looks up at me with a grin and I smile, offering my hand. She takes it and I lead her to the door. I didn’t think it was possible to love someone this much but I love her and I hate myself for putting her through hell for these past couple of weeks. Differences aside, I love Natalie and I’m glad she feels the same way. I’m glad I’m not too late.

As soon as we’re downstairs I see Tyler scanning the room. He’s most likely looking for Natalie but I’m not handing her over. Not yet. Instead of going in his direction, I take her to the den where a few people are practically sitting in the dark. A few have drinks in hand and some are laid out. I see one spot available at the end of the couch and I grip Natalie’s hand while going for it. I sit and tug her on her arm but she frowns as she looks around. “You know I don’t bite, Bunny.”

She bites on a smile and I spin her around. Her hips lower and she sits on the middle of my lap. Her warm vanilla scent fills my lungs and I breathe her in, hooking my arms around her middle, never wanting to let go. I wish I could take her right here, right now. She always feels good against me.

She twists in my lap to look at me and a few streaking lights shine from the living room and touch her face. Her features are soft, humble. She isn’t stressing at all. I need her happy—complete. “I don’t want Tyler to see me all over you.”

I frown, hearing his name come out of her mouth. “Why does it matter? Are you dating him?”

“No.” Her head shakes quickly as she grips my hand. “It just feels rude and disrespectful, you know? He invited me here and he likes me a lot—”

“Do you like him a lot?”

“He’s sweet, Nolan.” She frowns as she looks down at me. “I didn’t think you were going to be here. I don’t want to be disrespectful to him by hanging with you all night.”

I laugh dryly, shaking my head. “Natalie, do you realize how selfish you sound right now. You can’t have both of us, plus I came here to win you over. I’m trying to do the right thing. I need you back.”

Her lips seal and her grip lacks from around my hand. The gesture causes me to look up at her. She’s no longer looking at me. Her gaze has drifted to her right.

“Who do you want, Natalie?”

She blinks but doesn’t bother to look at me. I bring a hand up to pull her hair back. I’ve noticed it’s darker. It makes her look sexier and—I didn’t even think that was possible. As I lean forward, I kiss her cheek and she finally looks at me.

“How do I know if I can trust you again?” she asks.

“How do I know if I can trust you to leave Tyler alone?” I counter.

“I don’t want him. I want—” Her mouth clamps shut rapidly, her eyes expanding.

“You want what?” I murmur against her ear. I know her answer. I just want to hear her say it. “Stop leading that guy on, Bunny. If you know what you want, just take it back already.”

“That’s the problem,” she mutters. “I can’t just take you back when I don’t know if you’ve been faithful to me.”

“Natalie, I didn’t cheat on you.”

“But you did something with her, right?”

I stare into her eyes for a brief moment before tearing my gaze away. “It was nothing to me.”

She bites on her bottom lip and fidgets on my lap. Her head lowers and her hair falls, creating a curtain around her face. I pull her hair away again to see her. “I just don’t understand. What does she have to give that I don’t?”

“Nothing! Natalie, I was drunk. I was upset that you were ignoring me. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry that it’s been bothering you but it was just a kiss and I regret it more than anything. I can’t even remember it. I knew she was going to bring it up. I knew she was going to try and ruin us. She’s jealous and she’s upset that I don’t want her back. It was a mistake that I’ll never let happen again.”

I grab her hand and bring it to my lips. I kiss her knuckles but she presses her lips together. “That’s what I mean, Nolan. If we are to get back together and possibly end up taking another break, how do I know you won’t go find some broad on the street to kiss or possibly f*ck if it comes to that?”

“I wouldn’t do that to you, Natalie.”

“I mean you already have, Nolan. I don’t want to take you back that easily. You’ll think I’ll take you back every time you f*ck up. I don’t want to put myself into situations like that anymore.” Sighing, she pushes from my lap to stand. “I think I’m just going to go grab another drink or something.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” I ask, standing with her.

Her head shakes, her gaze lowering. “No. I need time, Nolan.” She lingers in front of me for only a second and then turns around. With each step she takes away from me, I feel my heart cracking. I feel guilty for kissing Sharon but I know it wasn’t cheating. Natalie and I weren’t dating—and I was drunk.

It was the week after Natalie left—when she was ignoring me. I felt so f*cking vulnerable that I stooped as low as Sharon. I know it’s no excuse but I never would have done it if Natalie and I were still dating. She was around when I wasn’t thinking and not thinking led me into trouble—to Natalie walking away from me without looking back.

She disappears within the crowd and I run a hand through my hair roughly. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I make my way through to look for Dawson but he’s in the corner, whispering in Harper’s ear.

I turn to my right and that’s when I spot Natalie again . . . only she’s talking to Tyler. She’s not against him or even in his arms but it’s just the fact that she’s talking to him. He’s trying to flirt and she’s forcing herself to laugh but I see the sadness behind her eyes. I notice the way she’s clinging to her beer and swallowing as if it will get rid of what she’s just heard me admit. Tyler hooks an arm around her shoulders and says something into her ear. She nods and then walks with him out of the front door.

I force myself to remain calm. I won’t go after her. I trust her . . . but I don’t trust him. I trust nothing about him and I don’t like how he has his hands on her. I’m pissed that I can’t claim territory that isn’t mine right now. I can’t go after her since we aren’t dating. Technically, she’s single and so am I. She mentioned that she felt bad for him but I don’t understand why she can’t just break it off with him.

Does she want to have someone around, just in case I f*ck up again? Does she want someone to fall back on in case we don’t work out? Does she want us to just be friends and nothing else anymore? I can’t be “just friends” with her. It’s impossible with someone that I’m this in love with.

I turn for the kitchen to grab another drink and return to the living room in a flash to see if she’s come back in. Pinning the sole of my shoe against the wall, I stare at the door, taking slow sips of beer, anxiously awaiting that front door to swing open.

A few girls brush against me but I shake my head and wave them. The only girl I want against me is Natalie. None of the girls here can even compare. They’re all wasted and sloppy. I check the time on my phone and thirty minutes have passed. What the hell is she doing out there?

I finally decide it’s time to check on her. I don’t want her kissing him after she’s been with me. I don’t want her alone with him at all. Passing through the crowd, I finally get to the door and swing it open.

I close it behind me and scan the area but it’s dark outside. A few people are on the porch murmuring as I step past them to get down the porch stairs. As I look to my right, I spot Natalie with Tyler at the shore of the lake. They’re still chatting and I’m glad there’s actually some space between them.

“Hi, Nolan.”

I spin around, facing Sharon whose cleavage is spilling through her red shirt. Her blonde hair is curly and hanging past her shoulders. Her jeans are low-rise (as always) and she has a drink in her hand, as if she’s been here for a while now.

I grimace as she smiles. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“I think I have a right to be here just as much as you do, considering this party is being hosted by my brother and all.”

My eyebrows draw in, my head tilting. “Your brother?” I turn to look at Tyler who is laughing with Natalie again. “You mean Tyler?” I ask, pointing a thumb in their direction.

“Yep. He said she was a lot of work at first but by the looks of things, one would think they’re on the verge of becoming a couple.” Sharon winks and my heart fails to beat.

“What the hell do you mean?”

“It’s not obvious, Nolan?” She laughs, taking a sip of whatever’s in her cup.

“What the f*ck did you do?” I growl, grabbing hold of her arms. She laughs again but I pull away from her to look in Natalie’s direction. She’s no longer standing at the shore of the lake. They’ve disappeared.

“Tyler’s a pretty smart kid. He likes her a lot and I don’t think he’s going to hand her back over without a fight. It started as a game but . . . I guess he sort of fell for her. She’s adorable, I’ll admit it.”

I give her a dry laugh, taking a step back. “So you think this little plan of yours is supposed to get Natalie over me and get me to date you?”

She shrugs. “That’d be a fun option.”

“Sharon, let me make this clear,” I snap. “I don’t like you. I don’t like anything about you. You showed up at a time when I wasn’t thinking straight—at a time when I was too drunk to handle myself. That one kiss doesn’t change shit. I didn’t feel anything when you kissed me. I can’t even f*cking remember it!”

“You kissed me back, which means you were feeling something for me!” she shouts

“I didn’t feel shit for you. I was too numb to feel anything,” I growl.

“Oh, whatever, Nolan.” She swallows the rest of her drink down and then tosses her cup to the side. “You know, I knew you were going to react this way. Even if I can’t have you, I know you can’t have her back. She’s young, confused, and I can tell she likes Tyler as well. The more time he spends with her, the more she’ll realize that he’s way better than someone like you.

“You think you’ve changed but you haven’t. Nothing’s changed about you. You meet one girl and think you rule the whole f*cking world. This side of you won’t last long and like I said before, I know who you really are. I’ve heard lots of things about you and settling down is something you don’t know how to do. I don’t think you will ever be completely faithful to just one girl. You’ll always f*ck up, Nolan, and it sucks that I’m part of the blame for it.” She looks me over with saddened features, taking a step back.

“I really don’t care anymore. I thought it would be fun to date you again but I guess I was wrong. Continue to fight over a girl that isn’t sure about you. You’ll end up hurt in the end anyway. I told you I was sorry but since you’re being a f*cking dick, I’m not anymore. I could give a shit less about you.”

She steps ahead, bumping into my arm purposely to get into the house but my gaze remains forward. I’m confused as hell. Why would she set Natalie and Tyler up to be together if she knew I wasn’t going to fall for her again? That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. She should have known I wouldn’t take her back. Did she really think she had another chance? This has to be the dumbest thing she’s done yet.

I turn around, making my way towards the shore of the lake to find them but they’re nowhere in sight. I know I’m not too late. What Natalie and I just shared in that bedroom was real and I’m not losing her to a douche that agreed to date her for his sister. I look to my right but there’s nothing but darkness. Same goes for my left. Nothing.

I hurry for the house, swinging the door open and slamming it behind me. I scan the living room, looking past the bouncing bodies and waving arms until I spot Harper standing with a drink in her hand.

“Where’s Natalie?” I ask her as I step in front of her.

She frowns as she looks into my eyes. “I dunno. I thought she was with you.”

“No. She went outside with Tyler but now I can’t find either one of them. Did you see her come back in?”

“No. Did you check upstairs?”

I swallow heavily, shaking my head. “No. I know she isn’t up there with him.” I tell it to myself but I don’t know that for sure. It will kill me if she is.

“Let me go check.” Harper shoves her drink into my hand before pushing through the crowd. I watch until she gets upstairs and then sigh as I take a look around. The music seems louder and with each beat, my pulse climbs. Dawson comes into view and as he gets closer to me, he smiles.

“Where’s Harper?” he asks.

“She ran upstairs to use the bathroom,” I lie.

“Oh.” He strokes his chin as he looks around. “This party is pretty cool, huh? Why the hell aren’t you dancing with Natalie?”

“I don’t know where she is.”

His dark eyes flicker from the rave lights as he stares at me. “What do you mean? I swear I just saw you with her.”

I shrug, looking towards the staircase. “I don’t know.” I continue my stare at the staircase and with each passing minute, I’m getting more and more nervous. Harper finally comes stepping down the stairs and I slam her drink on the nearest table as I head for her. “Is she up there?”

“No.” Her head shakes as she looks at me with wide eyes. “Are you sure she isn’t outside? I called her phone but she isn’t answering.”

She checks her cell phone but I step past her to go for the front door again. I look around the front for Natalie’s car, spotting it parked near the trees. I dash between the gaps of the cars to get to hers and look through the window. She isn’t here but an empty beer bottle has been placed on top of her car.

A rustling comes from the trees behind me and I spin around. Narrowing my eyes, I take a step forward. “Natalie?” I call.

The rustling stops and I take a step back. It must be someone from the party, I assume. I spin around with a shake of my head. She probably went for a walk with him somewhere and I’m just overreacting. I’m worried because in the back of my mind I know she could be doing anything with him. Holding his hand. Hugging. Kissing. Anything. At the thought of it, I cringe.

“Nolan,” I hear Natalie call from behind me. I spin around just as she steps from the shadows of the trees, hanging onto her middle with a face as pale as a sheet of paper.

“Natalie?” I rush for her and just as I meet up to her, she falls against me. “Natalie, what’s wrong?” I place my finger beneath her chin to lift her head up but it falls. “Look at me,” I tell her, lifting her head up again.

She struggles to keep it held up. She brings a hand up but that’s when I notice the blood on her hand and her shirt. “Tyler,” she mumbles.

“What?” I pick her up in my arms and pull her keys out of her pocket. “What the hell happened, Natalie? What did he do?”

“Tyler,” she mumbles again.

She mumbles something else as I swing her car door open but I can’t make out what she’s saying. I lay her in the backseat carefully and then shut the door. I lock the car behind me then rush for the house. Harper and Dawson are standing in the corner and I push through the crowd, throwing elbows just to get to them. “Something happened to Natalie.”

“What?” Harper frowns. “What do you mean? Where is she?”

“She’s in her car. We have to get her to the hospital. She’s bleeding and she’s barely responding to me.”

“Oh, no,” Harper mumbles. She rushes past me and Dawson and I follow after them but as I near the door, a hand grips my arm, stopping me from taking my next step. I look down at Sharon with a scowl but her eyes are worried. “What’s going on?” she asks.

“Don’t worry about it,” I snap.

“It’s Tyler, isn’t it?”

I begin to yank away from her but hesitate as she says his name. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

She bites her bottom lip with a shake of her head. “Nothing. Never mind.”

“What the hell do you mean never mind? My girlfriend is almost unconscious and your brother is nowhere to be found. If you know something, tell me, otherwise get the hell off of me.”

She gulps, pulling her hand away. She doesn’t say anything so I step away from her and rush out of the door. I don’t have time for her games. I meet up at the car and Dawson and Harper are waiting for me. I unlock the doors right before tossing Harper the keys. “You drive. I’ll sit back here with her.”

“What happened to her?” she asks as we climb in.

“I don’t know. I think Tyler has something to do with it.” I pull Natalie up and lay her in my arms. She groans and her head falls. Her skin is clammy and I reach up to wipe the droplets of sweat away. “I swear I’m gonna beat his ass when I see him again.”

“You shouldn’t have let her go with him in the first place!” Harper snaps. “You came to the party to be with her so you should have kept her with you.”

“I couldn’t keep her on a leash, Harper! We’re not dating. She can do whatever the hell she wants right now.”

“That doesn’t mean shit,” she growls. Dawson places a hand on her lap as she whips the wheel to pull out of the driveway.

“Chill, babe,” he murmurs.

“I’m not going to chill, Dawson,” she snaps at him. “I swear if she’s hurt, I’m never helping you again, Nolan. Ever. You were supposed to stay with her, not leave her. You were supposed to be fighting for her, not handing her over to another guy. Tyler is cool but he’s not you and she knows that. She’ll choose you over any guy at any time. You just need to f*cking fight. Stop letting her go.”

She floors the gas pedal and the car picks up in speed but I shake my head, looking down at Natalie. I push a few strands of hair out of her face but I can’t help but feel guilty because Harper’s right. I should have been fighting harder but I didn’t want to push her away from me any more than I already had. I didn’t want to stop her from being herself or end up ruining her night. If I would have argued with Tyler, it would have made me look immature but now I wish that I had. Now I wish I would have stopped her because looking at her like this is killing me.

I lift her shirt and there is a scrape on her side that’s bleeding but it’s nothing too major. Nothing a few Band-Aids and peroxide can’t solve. A breath of relief slips out of me as I pull it back down. “It’s just a scrape,” I tell them.

Harper nods, releasing a breath of relief as well. “Good. I’ll just go to the condo and we can get her in bed.”

The car silences again and I stare out of the window. I should have stuck around with her. I shouldn’t have allowed her to walk away from me to go to him. I didn’t want her to . . . but I had no right to stop her from doing what she wanted.

I had no right at all to tell her what to do but that’s going to change. I’m making her mine again. My only hope is she accepts it.