“Is there anything I can do?” He asked softly.
I shook my head ‘no’ and tried to quench my tears. I hadn’t told him a thing that had gone down, but I got the feeling that he’d already guessed. When I leaned on his shoulder, he froze because he wasn’t expecting it, but eventually relaxed once the awkwardness passed. I felt so broken. Living without AJ didn’t even seem like it was possible. For the past year I’d hardly made a move without him. Now, all of a sudden, I had to pull it together and figure out how to move on.
“I don’t know what you’re going through, but I’m glad you knew I’d be here for you……no matter what.”
My emotions soared again and shame washed over me as Antonio’s words settled in on my heart. I knew it was wrong to turn to the man whose heart I’d broken, yet…..here I was. There were so many ways Antonio could’ve used this situation as an opportunity to get back at me for what I’d done and how I’d treated him, but he didn’t.
“Sure you’re not hungry?” He asked.
I shook my head and continued to stare at the wall.
“Well, if you’re not in a rush to leave, we can just sit, talk, watch TV, whatever you wanna do.”
Where else would I go? “TV’s fine.”
When he reached for the remote, I put distance between us again just to make sure he didn’t get the wrong impression. We zoned out watching some made-for-TV Sci-Fi movie that did little to get my mind off of AJ. In fact, I couldn’t even tell you what it was about. From time to time, Antonio looked over in my direction. He didn’t say anything, but I imagined that he was thinking back over our history, maybe wondering how, after all we’d been through, I ended up there on his couch. I know I said I was done apologizing, but I couldn’t sit there in his apartment with him being so nice and pretend like I didn’t owe him a real apology – not the self-righteous, dismissive kind I’d given him before.
“Antonio…I.” My voice broke as he turned to meet my gaze. Maybe this wasn’t a good time. My emotions were already all over the place.
He pointed the remote at the television and muted it, giving me his full attention. “What’s up?”
I shook my head, again thinking that I’d brought all this pain on myself. Maybe this was the universe’s way of paying me back. Karma.
“I did you so wrong,” I said quietly, finally looking into Antonio’s eyes. “Even when we met up weeks ago, I wouldn’t even give you a chance to –“
“Don’t,” he interjected. “You’ve already said you’re sorry like….a hundred times. I’m good. We’re good. Seriously.” He looked over my face, probably saw the pain that I wasn’t hiding all that well and then decided to ask again, “Are you sure you don’t wanna talk about whatever’s bothering you, though?”
Did I wanna tell him? Was that even okay? For a few seconds, I deliberated, but then just went ahead and blurted it before I could change my mind again. “I broke up with AJ.”
It wasn’t like Antonio didn’t already know AJ was creeping behind my back anyway, hence the reason he didn’t look all that shocked.
“I got all the proof I needed last week.” Tears welled up in my eyes again as I relived that moment in my mind. Antonio slid his hand over toward mine and held it. I sniffled and wiped away a tear or two before finishing.
“I feel sooooo stupid for not listening and for not seeing that this was coming. I don’t even understand how it happened!”
Antonio didn’t say a word.
“In between bouts of feeling sorry for myself, I keep thinking that, on some level, I deserved this.” I shook my head, feeling a little embarrassed by my past behavior.