There’s no easy answer to this question. There’s no right answer, either, I’m afraid. Am I scared? Shitless. For the past two hours, I’ve been replaying their conversation, trying to convince myself that he didn’t mean anything by his words. In many ways, Melanie is a mother to him; she helps take care of him every day, she’s there for most meals, she’s at my place for bedtime, and more than once, I’ve had to call her in the middle of the night to come and calm him down when he’s having a nightmare. In his young mind, that is a parent. Maybe it’s the adults who are putting too much weight into his words.
“A little bit of both, I suppose,” I admit with a shrug. “I can’t expect her to want to stick around for this instant family situation. It would be weird for any woman, but how can I expect her to want to raise the child I shared with the woman who came after her? And what type of asshole am I that I’m even considering this less than six months after Al died. It’s too soon.”
“Normally, I think I would agree with you. But there is nothing normal about this situation,” my older brother reassures me. “First, Alyssa knew about your history with Mel and gave you her blessing.”
“But did she? I mean, she said she wanted us to stay in touch and she wanted me to not push Mel away, but that doesn’t mean Alyssa expected me to invite her into my bed. She was an understanding woman when she wasn’t ready to kill someone, but even she wasn’t that understanding.”
The deeper I feel myself falling for Mel, the more I think about the words Alyssa said before she passed away. Not once did she give us the green light to fall back into what we had years ago. Knowing how she felt about Melanie before she got to know her, I have a hard time believing she could have ever gotten to the point where she didn’t harbor at least a bit of anger toward the woman I spent so much time comparing her to.
Hell, making comparisons would have been an improvement. When Jacob was about three months old and it became apparent to both of us that we were going to find a way to be good co-parents to him, even if it meant living as roommates, I flipped shit when she suggested buying new dishes. Melanie and I had picked out the square black stoneware set when we moved in and I wasn’t ready to get rid of it. Eventually, I caved on some of the smaller things, but anything I selected specifically for Melanie had to stay and Alyssa had to live with that knowledge.
By the time I started to feel anything for Alyssa, she had given up the fight. If I’m being honest, it was one of the few acts of submission her stubborn spirit ever showed and I think that’s what opened my eyes to what I had in her. She was willing to do whatever she needed to at that point to make me happy, even if it meant living in another woman’s home. And then she got sick.
“Dude, I’m pretty sure that knowing you’re going to die changes a lot of things. It’s not like the two of you were getting a divorce.” Acid rises in my throat with his words. This is apparently going to be one of those brutally honest moments between the two of us. “With a few exceptions, Alyssa was one of the most observant women I knew. And even if she was dumb as a post, it’s pretty much impossible to not feel the chemistry that radiates between you and Mel. Telling you two to be together was her way of making sure that someone she knew and trusted would be the one stepping in once she was gone.”
“I’m not sure about that, but I really can’t fight about it. It’s too fucking much today, on top of everything else. So, let’s pretend for a minute that I agree with you on that point. That doesn’t change the fact that Melanie didn’t ask for this.” It’s not even noon, but I’m seriously considering jogging down the stairs to grab a bottle of whiskey from behind the bar.
“Man, for being the smart one, you really are fucking dumb, aren’t you?” Braydon laughs. “You think she didn’t know what hooking up with you meant? I’m pretty sure you didn’t hide the fact that you had a son from her.”
I slump back in my chair, defenseless. Every issue I’ve created in my mind, my brother has effectively shut down. It’s looking more and more like this is a bigger problem in my head than it is in reality.
“And now that I can see I’ve gotten through to you, what’s this about Melanie spending the night? That’s a big step for you.” The mischievous glint in his eye hints at a much more eventful evening than we had.
“She slept in my bed, Braydon, that’s it. I asked her to stay because I was having a rough night and thought Jacob might have a bad night because of some things he said before he fell asleep. That’s it.”
“Maybe you need to screw her, see if that improves how testy you’ve been lately.”