I swallow hard when I can’t come up with a single time that I gave Melanie that treatment. Perhaps it’s because I always knew she wasn’t the same as the other women. She was never the person I wanted to hang onto like a new toy until I got bored. Even when our arrangement was supposed to be something casual, based solely on sex and allowing each of us an outlet for a side of ourselves many didn’t understand, mine Dominant and hers submissive, she was more. I fooled myself for a long time into thinking I could keep love out of our relationship, but my heart wouldn’t allow that.
If I loved her as much as I claimed to, as much as I know I did, how could I allow myself to treat her as less than a play partner in that aspect?
“Wow, you’re right,” I say resignedly. “How did you stay with me that long and I never once made you feel special?”
As I wait for her to answer, I promise myself that, if she’ll allow me, I will do my best to make it up to her. This is a new time for us and I’m not going to allow what we have to become something boring and comfortable. There are times when both of those are appropriate, but it’s more important for her to feel cherished. We may not be able to have spontaneous nights out on the town, but I will make a concerted effort to do something small on the days when life won’t allow for wine, roses and romance.
“You made me feel special, you just did it in your own way.” She leans over, sweetly kissing me. Her soft, sweet lips press firmly against mine, never deepening the kiss and not rushing. I can taste a hint of her raspberry lip gloss lingering on my mouth as she pulls away. “And it’s not like we didn’t do things together, you just didn’t make a big deal of it and we never called it dating. I guess we fell into spending time together and it was a foregone conclusion that we’d be together every day when I wasn’t in class.”
I summon her closer with a crooked finger. “Nothing about you should be a foregone conclusion,” I whisper in her ear, feeling her body tense as my warm breath caresses her skin. “I’m sorry you ever felt that way, but those days are over. I love you and will do my best to make sure you know it.”
I slide my chair closer to hers at the small table. There’s no way we can sit like this once our food arrives, but for now, I want to be as close to her as possible. If I thought it wouldn’t get us disapproving looks from the other diners, I would pull her over so she could straddle my lap.
After one of the best meals I’ve had in a long time, we start walking, hand-in-hand to the lakeshore. While it’s nothing compared to walking in the sand as the ocean crashes against our feet, there’s a certain comfort to be taken from making this particular walk with her. When Melanie was a student at the university, we spent many weekends at James Madison Park, lying on a blanket in the grass, watching groups of guys playing football or Frisbee.
“It’s nothing bad,” I promise her even though I’m still a bit anxious. This is the moment where everything will be out in the open. Once I tell her where my head is at, there will be no turning back. It means that, once again, I’m going to be giving up the control that I hold so tightly most of the time. “I want to talk to you about what Jacob said this morning.”
Her body tenses. This is why I’ve avoided trying to define our relationship. We are a complex puzzle and the thought of trying to put the pieces together is nerve wracking. “Xavier, it’s fine. I know he misses his mom. I think it’s natural for him to wish he had someone to fill that emptiness in his life.”
Her words do nothing to soothe my mind. “But he doesn’t want someone, he wants you,” I remind her. “And while I want that too, someday, I don’t want you to feel pressured into anything. I need to know that you’re with me because you love me, not because you feel like you need to save us.”
Melanie turns her body, draping one leg over my lap. Her hands cup the neatly trimmed stubble on my face, holding firm so I can’t look away from her. And right about now, I need to look away because the tender look in her eyes is tearing at my heart.
“I don’t want to be your savior. If I thought that’s why you wanted to be with me, I would have walked away. But there’s a difference between saving you and being with you because I love you and want to help in whatever way I can.” She slides closer, carefully arranging her skirt as she wraps her other leg behind my back. “I love you and Jacob and that has nothing to do with Alyssa. That has to do with the fact that part of me has always loved you and he’s such an amazing kid, I couldn’t help but fall for him.”