“And he told me that the love he feels for me is the once-in-a-lifetime kind.” And I couldn’t leave well enough alone, I add silently. God, I’m such a fool. I could have kept my mouth shut, taken what he said at face value and been at home in bed with him by now. But no, I had to let my head take the lead, straight to me with a bad case of puffy, red eyes and Xavier more than likely feeling as if I’ve abandoned him.
I understand what Xavier means about the depth of our love because I feel it too. And that scares the crap out of me because I’ve had to try to get over him once, I can’t go through that again. My heart physically will not be able to recover from being ripped out of my chest a second time, by the same man. As it is, I feel as if I’ve reached into my own chest and thrown my still-beating heart on the ground as I ran away. There’s a piece of me that I’m fairly certain will always live with Xavier.
“Sweetie, you need to start talking because everything you’ve told me so far makes me wish that sexy man was hitting for my team,” Tyler teases. He reaches for the bottle of wine, topping off my glass while leaving his own nearly empty. “I know I had my doubts about him, but what you’re telling me sounds like a very good thing. So again, why did you show up on my doorstep looking like some demented clown?”
“Because he mentioned something about hoping that someday I’ll be a mother to Jacob. How do I know he’s not going to pull something like he did before? If it was just me and him, I might be stupid enough to take the chance, but I have to think about how that would affect Jacob, too.” I reach for another tissue, feeling an ugly cry coming on.
As I continue pouring my heart out to Tyler, I realize that I’m already in too deep. I might be able to walk away from Xavier, but Jacob has filled the hole in my heart as much as I’m helping to heal the one in his. I resist the urge to run out the door and right into Xavier’s arms. We’ve been reckless up until this point, going with whatever feels good for the two of us, without considering Jacob the way we need to. We haven’t held back from one another for his sake, it’s all been because of Alyssa. We’ve been putting more consideration into what a dead woman would think and what the people in our lives will think when they know we’re back together than we have into what all of this means for Jacob.
“Sounds to me like you know what you’re going to do and that scares the shit out of you,” Tyler observes. “Honestly, the more I see the two of you around one another, the more I think you’re good together. I think there’s some sort of cosmic reason it wasn’t right before, maybe so you would appreciate what you have now. Don’t throw that away.”
“But what if--”
“Stop it! I sat by letting you play that game for too long last time. I’m not going to do it again. Instead of wondering what will happen if he hurts you again, why not take a few minutes to wonder what will happen if he doesn’t pull some bullshit stunt again. What will your life be like if you two are able to get over the past? What would it be like to be the mother that you already are to Jacob and not think about what happens when the end comes?”
I’ve seen many facets of Tyler’s personality, but I can honestly say this is the first time I’ve seen him this worked up about anything that didn’t directly impact his life. I tighten my grip around my legs, pulling them tighter to my chest.
“Seriously, Mel, what would all of that be like?” He narrows his eyes until they’re two tiny slivers searing into me. “I want you to tell me that isn’t the life you would love to have.”
“I can’t.” I shrug, biting back the urge to start crying again. Tyler’s outburst shocked me enough that I forgot about the breakdown I was in the midst of. “I love them both so much. I want things to work out, I really do. But I can’t stop wondering what it will be like when it ends.”
“Girl, I love ya, but you’re an idiot sometimes. You really think he’s going to let you go a second time? I think you two have had enough time living apart that now you’ll be able to have a solid, healthy relationship.” Tyler stands, starting to turn off lights throughout the small apartment. “And he’s right. The shit you two have, that’s a love that doesn’t come around twice. You were lucky enough that he came back into your life. Think about that tonight because tomorrow, you are going to deal with this shit.”
Tyler gives me a quick kiss on the forehead, straightening the blankets over my body as I stretch out on the couch. “Thanks, Ty. I’m sorry I was a bitch to you for so long.”
“Takes one to know one,” he says with a wink. “Good to have you back. Now, go to sleep.”
I slept on the balcony with the phone in my hand, praying Melanie would call me. Staring at every vehicle that pulled in the drive, I felt like a stalker, hoping she would come back so I knew she was safe. Unless she arrived after I succumbed to the need to sleep, she never came home.