She speaks with such conviction that her words erase any doubt in my mind that she is with me completely of her own free will. “You have no clue how happy I am to hear that. But please, don’t feel like I expect you to take over as Jacob’s mother. You know me well enough to know that I don’t get scared often, but you terrify me,” I admit, turning to look out over the gently rolling waves. “When you’re in my life, it feels like every plan I make is blown apart. What I think I should do falls by the wayside because of how drawn to you I am. And you are a nurturer. You have always wanted to help people and make things better for others. That pressure led to bad choices by both of us in the past and I can’t have that happen again.”
“Xavier, a wise man once told me that trust is everything. You need to trust me when I say I know exactly what I’m getting into with you. Just like I have to trust that you are only with me because you love me.” She pulls my head down to place a kiss on my temple before resting her forehead against the side of my head. “And I do,” she whispers.
“I do trust you. I know there are going to be days when you think about Alyssa. I know there are going to be times when you feel overwhelming guilt for being with me because you think you’re betraying her.” I nod as Melanie continues talking, verbalizing every fear racing through my head. “And since we’re laying it all out on the table, I will say that there are times when I feel like I’m always going to be second best. I know that might not be fair to you, but it doesn’t change the fact that I wish you had done more, pushed harder to get in touch with me after that night. I’m not sure if or when that feeling will go away.”
I throw my hands in the air, beyond frustrated and feeling as if there’s always going to be something keeping her from fully trusting me. I know it’s my own fault for being an idiot when I was upset that she went to that party without telling me, but that doesn’t make the pill any easier to swallow. My throat tightens, choking off every rebuttal I can come up with. I want to make her see that she has never been second best in my mind, but I don’t want to be defensive.
I stare past her toward the end of the gravel path, the night I told her to leave replaying in my head.
“This is Xavier,” I answer when my cell phone rings. Devon Cardinal never calls me, which is the only reason I answer. I wouldn’t say that we’re friends, but we’re both involved in some of the local kink community events. Even if we were close, I know there are plenty of things happening tonight that should be taking precedence over calling me.
“Hey Xavier, it’s Devon. Sorry to bother you, but I have something I think you need to know.” His voice is quiet and I can hear music bumping in the background. My spine stiffens as I sit at the square table in my hotel room. It’s bad enough that I have to spend the entire weekend trying to oversee this hospital transition, but I have a feeling my night is about to get even less pleasant.
“Yeah, what’s up?” I ask, distracted by something on the television.
“Um…I just…” I take a deep breath, trying to rein in my annoyance at his inability to form a coherent sentence.
“Spit it out,” I snap.
“Sorry, this is just uncomfortable for me,” he apologizes. The man is such a little weasel, I’m not sure how he has managed to weasel his way into any sort of leadership position. “Did you know that Melanie is at the Emporium party tonight?”
The pounding in my ears is deafening as my blood pressure spikes. I know Devon well enough to know he wouldn’t be calling me if he wasn’t certain, which means Melanie lied to me. She fucking lied!
“Xavier, say something,” Melanie pleads, snapping me out of the horrible nightmare that I wish was a dream. “I’m sorry if that upsets you, but I feel like you deserve to know what I’m feeling if we’re going to make an honest effort this time around.”
Time slows so that what I know is only seconds, feels like long minutes before I’m able to compose myself enough to speak. I’m pissed at myself for giving her a reason to feel like a thrift store find and I’m livid with her for throwing our demise back in my face. It was her friend that turned into a rabid pit bull, thwarting every attempt I made to rectify the situation.
“You have every right to feel that way, but I have to tell you that you’re wrong. The only reason it has taken me as long as it has to talk to you about all of this is because I needed to know that I wasn’t trying to replace Alyssa with you.” She’s probably going to be upset with me for being so blunt, but it’s the truth. No matter how painful it may be that is the least I can give Melanie after everything we’ve been through.
“It took hearing Jacob being so frank with you this morning to realize that if my five-year-old son can tell you exactly what he wants, then I should be able to as well,” I continue. I shift my body, trying to get comfortable. When I’m too close to Melanie, I feel like I can’t think because her scent is intoxicating. When I move further away from her, I feel the loss of her body near mine. I can’t win. “And then talking to Braydon today, he finally got it through my thick skull that we have something special. Crazy and complicated, but what we share is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love. Not twice, once.”