“I miss your mommy sometimes,” I tell him. It’s my roundabout way of reminding him, again, that I don’t ever want him to think that I’m replacing Alyssa. He and his father also need to know that I’m not offering lip service when I tell them it’s okay to talk about her. And I do miss her. She may not have been part of my life for very long, but she left definite impressions on my heart and I do feel her loss every single day. It’s the reason I’m no longer with the agency. I can’t risk getting this close to another patient because I’m not sure I would be able to survive that loss.
“You do?” Jacob leans back so he can look at me. His eyes glisten with tears as he studies my face. “Daddy said she asked you to make sure we’re not sad.”
Every time Jacob opens his mouth, it feels like another fifty pound bag of sand landing on my heart. Each weight making me less certain that what Xavier and I are doing is healthy for any of us. I know I made a promise to Alyssa, but that doesn’t mean I have to be the replacement wife or mother, and at this moment, I’m not sure I will ever get past the feeling that I will always be second best to both of them.
“She was very worried about both of you.” I’ve always been someone who knows what to say, without much thought as to how it’s going to be received, but this morning the words fail me. I feel as if I’m standing in the center of an emotional minefield and one wrong step will shatter the progress we’ve made with Jacob’s moods and bad dreams. “Your mommy loved you very, very much. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, she told me she would always love me, even when I can’t see her.”
“That’s right,” I confirm for him. “And that’s why she talked to me and asked me to do certain things so you will always know how much you meant to her. Your mommy didn’t want to leave you alone, but she was very sick.”
“And now she’s my angel watching over me. That’s what Unca Braydon says. Is that true?” I let out a deep breath, silently thanking Braydon. I never pictured him as being the type of man to sit down and have deep conversations with a little boy, especially explaining how those we love become our angels once they’re gone. Why hadn’t I thought of that one?
“He is right. Everywhere you go, for the rest of your life, your mommy will be watching over you.” I squeeze him tighter, wondering if I’m strong enough to live in the darkness created by Alyssa’s shadow for the rest of my life.
“Even when I’m going pee?” Jacob giggles, breaking me out of the depression closing in around me.
“No, I think she’ll give you privacy when you’re in the bathroom,” I laugh. The best thing I could do for Xavier and Jacob is pull away so they can heal and we can all move forward knowing it’s for the right reasons. If Xavier and I are meant to be together, we will be, but only when the time is right. The problem is, I don’t think I could put even an inch between us without feeling the loss. “Should we finish making breakfast and take it in to your daddy?”
Jacob jumps off my lap and pulls a bag of grapes out of the fridge. While I scramble the eggs, he works diligently to pull the biggest grapes off the bunch, placing them in a bowl to be washed. We work side by side, the entire time I’m chastising myself for wondering if he spent time in the kitchen like this with Alyssa before she got sick. Even if Xavier and Jacob are both able to love me for who I am, will I ever stop making these comparisons in my own head?
I’ve been lying in my bed, wide awake, since Jacob came in and started jumping around. More than anything, I wanted to open my eyes and watch Mel interacting with him, but I didn’t want to ruin the moment. There’s a certain purity when the two of them are together, but I’ve seen them try to hide the connection they share when they know I’m watching.
I also didn’t want to give myself false hope that this could be the way it is for us every morning. Her body next to mine last night was exactly what I needed at the time, but I’m consumed with guilt this morning. I used her. I did the one thing I promised both of us I wouldn’t do and begged her to stay with me, knowing she would do it, all because I needed something to replace the void in my chest. Just having Melanie close to me makes life better. It’s cliché and makes me feel weak to admit, but she has been my lifeline more times than she should have had to be.