She cups my face in her hands, moving close enough that she can just barely brush her lips against mine. “It’s okay. I knew there would be times that her absence is so strong we can all feel it. I don’t want either of you to think you can’t talk about her when I’m around. You miss her because you love her, too. I get it.”
Mel rolls over to turn off the light beside the bed. “I love you, Xavier. Tonight might not be the best time for me to tell you that, but you need to know. And even if you still have nights like tonight a decade from now, it won’t make me love you any less.”
Before I can find my voice to respond, Mel turns away from me, curling her back against my body. It’s not the way I envisioned our first night sharing a bed, but in some ways, it couldn’t be any more perfect.
Chapter 20
I wake up early in the morning, my body covered in a thin sheen of sweat and the weight of an arm across my stomach preventing me from moving. A lazy smile creeps onto my face as I turn my head to see Xavier still sound asleep next to me. I’m so focused on how peaceful he looks, I’m surprised when I feel the edge of the bed dip as I’m tackled by a little boy with messy brown hair.
“You stayed!” Jacob squeals as he lands on top of me. I should have gone home last night! Now, I have to figure out how to explain my presence in Xavier’s bed to Jacob, who seems a bit too excited to see me this morning.
“I did,” I whisper, pulling him onto my chest as Xavier rolls away. I know he hasn’t been sleeping well lately, so I’m hoping we can sneak out of the bedroom and let him stay here for a while. “Did you sleep well last night?”
Jacob nods, squirming to try to free himself from my grasp. I look over the edge of the bed and see Brody pawing at the comforter, trying to join us. Knowing that will mean a certain end to Xavier’s slumber, I set Jacob on the floor and swing my feet over the edge of the bed. I see Jacob look at my bare legs as I get out of bed and I tug on the hem of my t-shirt. I quietly open the dresser drawers until I find a pair of sweatpants so I’m not so exposed. “Let’s go get some breakfast and let Daddy sleep, okay?”
He places his little hand in mine and we head to the kitchen. “Why did you sleep in my daddy’s bed last night?” Jacob asks as I start cracking eggs into a bowl. Of course it was too much to hope for that he wouldn’t be curious.
“I was really tired last night, so your daddy said I could sleep there. That way I wasn’t sore this morning from sleeping on the couch.” I’m not counting on this being enough of an excuse to appease Jacob, but it’s the only thing I can come up with before coffee. And I’m surely not going to tell him that his dad was having a bad night and asked me to stay with him. Or that I couldn’t stand the pain I saw on Xavier’s face and there was no way I could leave him.
“You could have slept in my bed, too,” Jacob offers, wrapping his arms around my legs. “Daddy told me it’s okay for me to love you.”
My knees threaten to buckle at his statement. Not because Jacob loves me, because I have no doubt that we have a nearly unbreakable bond, but because he felt the need to ask if it was okay to love me. It’s a reminder that I’m not his mother and that he is still grieving her loss. I’m the standin to him, the woman he wants to love him because his own mother will never be around for those moments again.
I slide down the face of the lower cabinets until I’m sitting on the kitchen floor, reaching to bring Jacob into my lap. Holding his face close to my chest, the tears begin to fall. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m hurting them more than I’m helping, by allowing them to ignore the pain that is necessary for them to live healthy lives without Alyssa.
“Melly, why are you crying?” he asks, his voice filled with innocent concern.
I shouldn’t be here. Jacob is a good boy who should have had his mom here to make his chocolate cake and birthday dinner. She should have been the one wishing him a happy birthday. Alyssa should be the one making him breakfast this morning. Death has always been a part of life for me, especially when I was working for CompCare, but holding Jacob in my arms, I’m no longer able to see the objective side of death being something we’re all going to face someday. Someday is supposed to come when we’re old and gray, after we’ve watched our children grow up, get married and have kids of their own. No child should have to go through life wondering if it’s okay to get close to someone or if it’s a betrayal of their dead parent’s memory.