It’s nearly ten o’clock by the time I get Jacob out of the bathtub. “Daddy, does Brody have to sleep in his bed now?” he asks as I pull his new dinosaur pajama top over his head. His beautiful blue eyes lit up when he opened his last gift, a dog bed for Brody. We thought we would have to explain that Brody is going to be staying at our apartment from now on, but he picked up on that immediately. I asked Mel if she was sure about giving Jacob her dog as a birthday gift, and she said it made sense. They’re best buddies and she’s at my place most of the time as it is, so this will make life easier on everyone. I bit my tongue to keep from asking if Brody’s mommy was going to move in with us anytime. Half the time, it seems like that’s the logical next step, but the rest of the time I know that it’s way too soon for that level of commitment.
“I think he can still sleep with you, but why don’t we check with Mel?” Jacob races out to the living room, coming to a halt at the end of the couch. “What’s wrong, buddy?”
I step behind my son and see Mel passed out on the couch. “Should I wake her up to ask?” I shake my head and usher Jacob back to his room, not wanting to wake my sleeping beauty. “Daddy, will Melly be here tomorrow morning? She makes better breakfast than you do.”
“I don’t know bud,” I say as I pull the blankets up to his chest. Right on cue, Brody jumps onto the bed and settles in beside my son. I have a feeling that dog bed is going to go unused, but it’s here as a symbol of our lives starting to come together. “I’ll tell her you said that if she wakes up.”
“Thanks, Daddy. I really love Melly, is that okay?” His voice is tentative, as if he’s expecting to get in trouble for his admission. “I mean, would Mommy be mad if she knew I said that?”
I lie down next to Jacob, sliding one arm under his neck as I drape the other over his waist. “No, buddy. Your mom would be happy that you have someone as special as Mel in your life. When Mommy was sick, she knew we were going to be sad sometimes and she actually asked Mel to make sure that we’re okay.”
My little boy burrows himself against my chest and we sit in the dark for a while. I’m just about to slide my arm out from beneath him when he turns to face me. “Is it okay for me to miss Mommy?”
“Of course,” I say with a shaky voice. “You know, I think we’ll both always miss your mommy and that’s okay.”
“Okay. I love you, Daddy.” Jacob wraps his arms around my neck and kisses my cheek. I wrap my arms tighter around his body as I feel a tear rolling down my cheek.
“I love you too, buddy.” I give him one more kiss on the forehead and leave the room before I completely fall apart.
I leave the door to the balcony open in case Jacob or Mel need me. The silence in the apartment now that both of them are sleeping is closing in around me. “Dammit, Alyssa,” I sigh into the darkness. “How am I supposed to do this without you? I know you want us to be happy, and I’m grateful that you gave Mel and me your blessing, or whatever the fuck you call it, but Jacob needed you and you fucking left.”
It’s rare that I’m angry anymore. I’ve gotten past feeling like she abandoned us, but my heart feels like it’s been shoved through a meat grinder right now. I want to hate her for leaving me here to answer these questions.
“Hey, you,” Mel whispers as she sits in the chair next to me. Now I feel like an asshole because I know she probably heard me ranting about my wife having the audacity to die of cancer, as if she had any choice in the matter. “Do you want to talk about it?”
She reaches for my hand, not pushing me to talk when I shake my head. How can I tell Mel that I love her, and then later the same day be so upset about Alyssa? How is that fair to Mel? We sit in the darkness, listening to the sounds of the night surrounding us. “Stay with me tonight?”
“Of course,” Mel responds without hesitation.
She stands, never letting go of my hand. We walk into the apartment and straight to the bedroom. As much as I would love to feel her bare flesh pressed against mine, I know there’s no way I will be able to avoid temptation if she’s naked. I pull a t-shirt out of my top dresser drawer and turn away while she changes.
“I’m sorry, Mel,” I sigh as we both turn to face one another in the bed. “I don’t want you to doubt me when I tell you how much I love you, but today’s one of those days I miss her.”