chapter 24
Two days left. That’s all I can focus on during training today. I hope no one can read my mind, because it’s all I think about as we run endless laps around the perimeter of the compound. I think of Will, and it pushes me harder.
Sam runs next to me, Jake on her other side, of course. She still hasn’t spoken to me since I told her, and I still haven’t asked Will about the tracking chip. I’m almost afraid to hear his solution. It must not be good if he hasn’t told me yet. I sensed that he was only giving me the information I needed in that moment, revealing each little piece at a time, so he wouldn’t overwhelm me with the whole plan all at once. At first that idea bothered me, but I’ve grown to appreciate it.
I know he and Rena are assembling supplies and studying the guards’ movements at the fence, but I haven’t pressed them for additional details. I don’t want any doubts planted in my mind about my ability to do this. I have to do this.
That night after showering, I lay in bed waiting for Will to come for me. Only when I hear the footsteps, instantly I know they don’t belong to Will. A moment later, Rena appears in the doorway to the dorm.
I sit up in bed, fearful that something’s happened to him, but she shakes her head, and offers a small smile. Air rushes into my lungs again.
I climb down from the bunk and follow her into the hall. “Where’s Will?” I whisper once we’re out of ear shot from the bunks.
“He didn’t want to risk being seen with you.” Rena keeps walking. “Come on.”
I follow her to her room, where Will is waiting for us. There is a large backpack and supplies scattered across the floor. Will’s packing my bag. My heart hammers in my chest, as if realizing this is really going to happen.
Rena paces the room.
“What is it, what’s wrong?” I ask.
She stops in front of me, her eyes wild and chaotic. “A former government official posted an article yesterday about the mindscan process. He revealed that – in addition to testing for future crime – it disables a small part of the brain, and that’s why people become docile after it.”
The blood drains from my head, and I get dizzy. I reach for the edge of the bed and collapse onto it. Will’s jaw is tense, and he’s looking at me. I can tell Rena has already told him, but his reaction at hearing it a second time is still pure anger.
Rena turns and keeps pacing. “There are a small percentage of people it doesn’t work correctly on – those are the Defects. It has only a minor impact, not enough to subdue them.” I tried and failed to understand what she was saying. What it meant about me. “And there is a tiny fraction of people it has no effect on.” She tipped her head towards me. “Eve.”
My brain isn’t working correctly right now. And I can feel a headache forming behind my eyes. “What does this mean?”
She sucks in a deep breath and continues wearing a path in the floor. “The article claimed that Ward A or B was basically determined by a fight or flight response.”
I tip my head, confused.
“Those who see normal images and situations in the mindscan are taken to Ward A. Those with some fight in them – the people who see violent images or imagine themselves in defensive situations – are taken to Ward B.”
I remembered the day of my mindscan and Dorie and O’Donovan deciding which Ward to send me to.
Rena continues, “Those with the fight response, the government uses for military service. They put to use their nature and skills in a disciplined way.”
“What’s going to happen?”
Rena doesn’t acknowledge my question; she just turns at the end of the room and continues her story. “McGregor, the man who wrote the article, was found dead in his home today. They needed to shut him up. But more than that, they need to put an end to this speculation, this doubt that’s been created.” I look at her, still confused. She turns to face me. “It means they’ll be coming for you next.”
“Enough,” Will says, his voice low, yet commanding. “You don’t need to scare her. It doesn’t change anything. We knew they were corrupt – and now we know more – but we have a plan. We’re getting her away from here.” He says it like he desperately needs to believe it’s true.
Rena nods curtly. “Tonight is your last night in the compound. We’ve arranged everything for you to go tomorrow night.”
I nod, but barely register her words. I’m still looking at Will. He’s kneeling on the floor beside my backpack. I soak him in, memorizing every detail: the broad span of his shoulders, the tense set of his jaw, the way he’s looking at me, and the way his gaze makes me feel – like I’m strong enough to do anything. I will need that feeling when I’m alone on the other side of the fence.
Once Will finishes packing the bag, he and I walk in silence to his room. Neither of us wants to talk about what we’ve just learned or face what will come next.
As soon as his door closes, it’s like a fuse has been lit. I fling myself into his arms, and he pulls me close. We kiss urgently, as if our bodies know our time together is nearly over.
He picks me up, pressing my back against the door, and I wrap my legs around his waist. I grasp his shoulders and hold on for dear life, turning myself over to him completely. He’s normally so serious and reserved around me, but not tonight. He presses my back against the door – hard – and takes over my mouth and throat with wet kisses, while he presses his body against mine. It makes me feel alive, and my heart pounds wildly.
He carries me across the room and lays me down on his bed. He looks down at me for just a second before I pull him down on top of me. He holds himself up, balancing so that his full weight isn’t crushing me. As we kiss, he relaxes and begins to lower himself farther down on top of me. I like feeling the weight of him, like this is the only thing that’s real. He presses his hips into mine, stealing my breath and driving me crazy with desire. We kiss deeply, our tongues exploring, our bodies moving together. It’s like we’re both trying as hard as we can to forget about what looms over us, and the fence that will separate us.
His breath is coming fast against my mouth. “We have to stop … if we don’t stop now …”
“I know,” I breathe against his mouth.
He sits up beside me on the bed, and looks over at me, a bit of mischief in his eyes. My need for him takes over, and I wonder what will happen if we don’t stop now. I can think of no better way to spend my last night here. I scramble onto his lap and kiss him again, not holding anything back this time.
His empty threat about needing to stop is soon forgotten. Several minutes later, we’re still kissing, our bodies still frantically moving together.
He chuckles against my mouth. “Eve. This time we really have to stop.” He takes a deep breath and removes me from his lap. “Besides, there are things we need to talk about, don’t you think?”
The physical separation from him is an unwelcome shock. “But we only have tonight. We could waste it talking … or you could distract me.” I smooth my hand over his stomach, daring it to move lower.
He tenses under my touch and then pulls my hand away. “I’m sorry.” He shakes his head. “I can’t do this.”
I don’t know what I’ve done wrong, but it stings just the same. He stands up beside the bed. His absence leaves a hole inside me.
“I don’t know what this is to you, Eve.” He gestures between us. “But to me, it’s more than this.” He motions to the bed. I sit up, feeling like an idiot. “I don’t even know what you’re thinking – about leaving, about you and me, about any of this.”
I take a deep breath and pull my knees up to my chest, hugging them to myself. “I haven’t told you, because it’s too hard to even think about us when I know I’ll be leaving.”
“No one said you had to do everything alone. You made that decision.”
I take a minute to think about the meaning behind his I words. “Will.” I swallow and take a deep breath. “I couldn’t expect you to come with me.”
His eyes are the softest shade of gray, like the sky just before a rainstorm. “No, you couldn’t expect it. But you could have asked what I wanted.”
Something stirs inside me. I’m afraid to even think the question forming on my lips. I remind myself to be brave. “What do you want?
He sits down beside me and looks straight into my eyes. “I like you, Eve,” he says carefully. “Really like you.” I touch his cheek, and let my palm rest there, too stunned to speak. He is much braver than me. And much more honest, too. He’s waiting for me to answer. “Tell me what you’re thinking,” he whispers.
“This terrifies me,” I blurt out. He looks confused and hurt. “I’m afraid of what liking you too much would mean. I’m afraid of what losing you would feel like. I’m afraid of feeling anything.”
His thumb caresses my lips, quieting me. I’m not sure when it happened, but tears are rolling down my cheeks. Will wipes them away. But he’s still waiting, still looking at me, forcing me to be brave and put in words what I want.
Why is this harder for me than all the training? It requires more courage, more faith than I think I’m made of. I pull in a deep breath. “Come with me,” I whisper. I wipe my eyes and look at him. “Into the wilderness, come with me, Will. We can make a new life together, just the two of us.” I don’t want to get my hopes up, but my brain springs into action, imagining us collecting chestnuts in the woods, taking care of each other, finding comfort in each other’s arms in a place far, far away from here. Could something like that even be possible? I hold my breath, waiting for a response.
Will looks at me thoughtfully, taking his time. He doesn’t answer; he just leans forward to kiss me. It’s soft at first, but soon turns frantic. He kisses my cheeks, kissing away my tears, and moves to my throat, tangling his hands in my hair, breathing against my neck. “Yes. Yes, Eve. I’ll come,” he whispers. “I’ll come.”