chapter 20
I’m back in time for dinner and slip into the cafeteria unnoticed. I head for my usual table. Sam and Jake are pressed together, sharing food from each other’s trays. I’m reminded of my afternoon with Will and blush involuntarily.
Sam hardly notices me, distracted by Jake, but Alex perks up the second I sit down.
“Your eye doesn’t look too bad,” he says after a bite of mashed potato.
“Oh, thanks.” I bring my hand up to touch it. “How’s your leg, by the way?”
“Pretty good. It’s healing nicely.”
“What’d you guys do in training today?” I don’t know why, but my conversations with Alex seem to stay at the surface level – just one level up from asking about the weather.
“We ran and did weights in the gym – stuff like that. You didn’t miss much.”
I nod and stir the food on my tray. I’m not hungry after my picnic with Will.
I can hardly wait for everyone to go to bed once we make it back to the bunker. But there are card games and people lounging around talking, and I know it will be a while.
I sit with Alex in the corner of the room. Sam and Jake are completely distracted by each other. They sit facing each other on a small sofa. He winds her hair around his fingers while they talk in hushed voices. I’ve never seen her like this – so completely absorbed, but I kind of like it.
I look over at Alex. He looks nervous. He places one hand awkwardly on my shoulder.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything last night when you fought Drew and Bryce.”
I’m reminded of how he easily lost to Jake. “Oh, I … don’t worry about that. There’s nothing you could have done.”
His eyes don’t leave mine. I look down. I wish Alex didn’t like me like this. I wasn’t sure at first, but now I know he does. I can’t return his feelings; I’m not sure why. He’s nice and polite and funny. I just … can’t. My mind jumps to my meeting with Will tonight, and I sigh knowing how long I still have to wait. “I’m kinda tired, Alex. I think I’ll just go to bed.” I get up to leave.
He doesn’t look happy. “See you tomorrow, Eve.”
I lie down on my bunk and watch the ceiling. Slowly, one by one, girls start to filter into the dorm. When I spot Sam, I get down from my bed.
She’s changing beside her bunk.
“So … you and Jake, huh?”
She breaks into a grin. “I’ve never felt like this about anyone before. When he’s around … I don’t know, I just feel completely comfortable and happy. I never thought it could be like this here, but he’s the first thing I think of in the morning, and I actually want to go to training just so I can see him.”
I’m happy for her – I am. But a twinge of jealousy spreads over me. I used to be Sam’s number one priority. Or is it that I don’t have what she’s describing? She pulls me into a hug before I have the chance to figure it out.
“Sam, I’m meeting with Will tonight – after lights out.”
“What?” She pulls back, still holding onto my arms. “What for? I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Sam, it’s fine. He’s not like you would think.”
At this, she takes a step back, like clearly I’ve taken one too many blows to the head. “What are you talking about? Why are you meeting him?”
I swallow, searching for the words to explain. “He’s different … he’s … he can give me information about why I’m here.”
“But he shouldn’t ask you to meet him after everyone is asleep. That’s strange, don’t you think?” I don’t explain that it’s for my own protection that he wants me to wait. Her eyes harden, searching mine. “Just be careful. Please.”
“I will.” I give her another hug. It’s obvious she understands Will in a completely different way than I do.
I go back to my bed and wait until everyone is asleep. I lay still, looking up at the ceiling trying to remember my mom’s face. I can’t recall all the small details, not the way I should be able to. I roll over, frustrated.
When there are no sounds coming from the bunker, I creep down my ladder and cross the dorm into the bunker. It’s dark and completely silent. I sit in one of the chairs, waiting for Will.
After a little while, I grow restless. He said to meet him here, right? I consider trying to find his room, but don’t want to get caught in the hallways after hours. I pace the room for a little while, then sit down on the sofa. I lean my head back against the arm and close my eyes. I’m more tired than I realized.
I awake with a start, sensing someone else is in the room with me. I sit up.
“I’m sorry.” Will holds his hands up. “I got held up.”
“Oh, it’s fine.” I get up.
He lowers his hands, but not before I notice that his knuckles are swollen and red.
He steps closer, so he’s standing right in front of me. “I didn’t mean to make you wait. There was just something I needed to take care of.” He reaches a hand toward me and lets his fingers run down my arm, finding my hand in the darkness. “Come with me. We can talk in my room,” he whispers. He keeps my hand in his, and with our palms pressed together, my breath feels caught in my chest.
My heart pounds the entire way to his room. My entire body tingles, like I’m on edge, waiting for something to happen, only I have no idea what.
He lets the sensor scan his fingerprint, and the door to his room clicks open. He lets me in first and comes in behind me as the heavy door falls closed.
His room is even smaller than I remember, and at night in the silent compound, it seems even more private. For some reason, I’m reminded of Lexi and feel a pang of jealousy. Now that she’s gone, is Will suddenly interested in me?
“So …” I draw out the word. He gives me a strange smile. “Listen, I know that you and Lexi were close … and now that she’s gone …”
He places a finger over my lips, stopping me, a little smile quirked on his lips. “No. That’s not ...” He shakes his head and then lowers his finger from my lips. “Lexi wanted there to be something … but there never was. Not for me anyway.”
“Will, I saw you.” My voice doesn’t waver.
His eyes narrow, trying to figure out exactly what I mean, what I saw.
“You and Lexi were in the hallway – it wasn’t exactly discreet.” He’s still studying me to figure out what I’m referring to. “She was down on her knees …”
“Oh, God.” He runs his hands over his face. “No, Eve.” He takes a step closer to me. I take a step back. “That wasn’t what it looked like.”
I smile crookedly. “Will …” If he thinks he can explain this away as something completely innocent, he must think I’m a fool.
“I’m serious … If you’d stayed a second longer, you’d have seen me pull her back up to her feet.”
I scan his eyes. He seems to be telling the truth. And I do remember that once I got back to the dorms, Lexi was only a minute behind me. I just figured it was just over fast. “Then why was she down there to begin with?”
He shakes his head. “That was Lexi trying to … get my attention.”
I remember the way his head was leaned back against the wall, his eyes closed. The soft way he whispered her name. It still makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. “Well from what I saw, she succeeded.”
“No, she didn’t.” His voice is firm.
“Will, you don’t have to lie about it. I don’t care.” Which isn’t true. Though I don’t want to, I care way more than I should.
He takes my arms, his fingers curling around my elbows. “Listen to me. It was a moment of weakness on my part, but I’m telling you, I stopped it even before she undid my belt.”
His eyes implore mine, soft and smoky gray, framed in dark lashes and it’s impossible to think the worst of him right now. I nod. I don’t know if I should, but I believe him. Everything I’d seen of Will so far, his moment of weakness aside, told me he was good and someone I could trust.
We stand facing each other. “You said you’d explain all this.” I motion between us. Though instantly I’m sure he didn’t mean us – he meant this, the training, the compound.
“I’m not good at this,” he says, taking a step back from me. He brushes his hand across his hair.
“Rena told me that the capital has gotten unstable, and there’s talk of my test results.”
His head picks up, like I’ve interrupted a private thought. “That’s true, though they don’t want any of us here to know. I hear O’Donovan and La Rusa talking.” He hesitates and won’t look at me. “A lot of it’s about you. You’re stronger than they ever expected.”
Something in me rebels. I don’t want to talk about my demise right now. I don’t want to think right now. I want to feel. Driven by my new found courage, I take a step closer to him. “And what about you? What did you expect that first time you saw me at my mindscan?” I remember back to that scared girl who refused to be made into a prisoner.
He takes a step toward me, closing the distance between us. “I didn’t have any expectations, I guess. I knew you’d be unexpected.”
At this, I have no words. Will takes another step toward me. There is nothing separating us now. My heart thumps so loud, I’m sure he can hear it. He’s looking straight into my eyes with that same wonder and curiosity I’ve felt so many times over the past few weeks. It’s too much. I look down.
He places a finger under my chin and lifts it to meet his eyes again. His eyes are intense and searching as he looks at me. His fingers are soft against my jaw, and he lets his hand slide to the back of my neck, under my hair.
For a second, he just looks at me. Then he leans slowly toward me. I don’t move. I don’t even breathe. His lips hover just millimeters from mine. I can feel his breath tickle my lips and his hand slides further into my hair. My eyes fall closed. Something unknown and foreign wells up inside me, and I lift up on my toes and close the distance between us. I press my lips to his and feel him smile in surprise. His smile doesn’t last long, though. His kiss takes over, moving against my mouth, softly at first, then with a growing urgency.
Will floods my senses. Just his physical presence overwhelms me. The stubble on his jaw, the feel of his strong hands against me, it’s all completely new and electrifying. Just when I’ve gotten used to the sensation of his lips against mine, I feel his tongue, soft and damp, coaxing my mouth to open against his. I obey. And now that we’re doing this, I wonder why we haven’t been doing this the entire time. I wonder why people aren’t doing this all the time.
Without breaking the kiss, he walks me backward until the backs of my legs hit the bed. I sit down, and he sits beside me. He pulls back and looks at me, slowly grazing his fingers along my temple, down my throat, along my collar bone, pushing my hair behind my shoulder, almost like he doesn’t want to forget all the small details of this moment. Then he kisses me again, and I forget about everything else.