chapter 22
Where no hope is left, there is no fear.
– Unknown
Will has instructed me to act normally and though I do on the surface, my insides churn with tension. I’m on edge all the time now, suspicious of every training assignment Kane gives us, wondering if this is the way they try to kill me, wondering which will be my last day here.
They have succeeded in scaring me into submission. In training I make sure to stay in the middle of the pack, not wanting to call any extra attention to myself, and wanting to be surrounded by others. My food is tasteless and seeing Sam and Jake together, happy, makes my stomach hurt. I can barely sleep at night. Most of all, I long to see Will, even for a few minutes at a time, but he seems busy all the time now. Though I hate to think this way, I suspect he’s starting to distance himself from me, so it will be less painful when I’m gone. I’ve only known him for a short time, yet I trust him completely.
At training the next afternoon, Kane is in charge of us. I’ve come to dread any time that Kane is in charge. Then Will comes in saying I’m wanted for more testing. Kane is reluctant to release me, but Will says it’s an order from O’Donovan, and Kane lets me go. I follow Will from the room, nervous about being submitted to more testing.
He walks me outside and doesn’t stop. I hurry behind him. “Where are you taking me?”
He turns and faces me. “Do you trust me?”
I nod, looking up into his eyes.
“Then come on.” He takes my hand and pulls me to the Jeep.
We drive in silence along the dirt road that cuts along the edge of the forest. “So where are we headed?” I have a feeling his line about O’Donovan excusing me from training was a lie.
“There’s something I need to show you.” He turns and glances at me before looking back to the road. “And we needed to talk somewhere safe.”
I don’t know what to expect from him. Though I haven’t known him long, I feel connected to him in a way I can’t explain. His strength, his courage, and the way he teaches me to protect myself are all things I admire about him. But mostly, it’s just him. Little things like how he lets his guard down only around me, the way he smiled in surprise when I kissed him, and how he didn’t even flinch when I asked for his help to escape this place; instead he was already plotting for ways to help me. I know I shouldn’t be falling for him, that I shouldn’t be focusing on anything other than getting out of here, but with Will around, that’s impossible. I wouldn’t know how to do this without his help.
I reach over and take his hand. He gives mine a squeeze. Then he pulls the Jeep off the road and parks under a tree. He sits facing forward, lost in thought for a second, looking sad. This look scares me. “Will? What is it?”
“I’ve heard O’Donovan and La Rusa talking. You probably only have a few days left before they try something.” He turns and meets my eyes. “Rena and I have been trying to come up with a plan, but I’m afraid you might not like the best we’ve come up with.” He brings his hands to my face and cups my jaw, pulling me in toward him. He kisses my lips, softly, gently. When I’m calmed, I pull back.
“What do I need to do?”
“We’re going to take a walk,” he says. “Follow me.”
We walk in silence for several minutes before it comes into view. The fence, huge and solid, looms before us. So many questions run through my mind, I don’t even know where to begin. My feet keep walking, and I stay quiet. We walk parallel to the fence, not daring to get too close. We stay just at the edge of the tree cover. Will stops and looks at something in the distance. “You see that boulder that looks out of place up there?”
I follow his gaze. There’s a black onyx stone near the fence about one hundred yards from where we stand. I nod.
“That’s where you’ll cross.”
I turn to him. He can’t mean … “Will, Rena said those people were shot trying to go over.”
“You’re not going over. You’ll be going under.”
My heart thumps unevenly, like we’ll be shot just for having this conversation if anyone overhears us. I look around. The forest is completely silent, but the gravity of the situation is too much. My legs give out, and I sink to the ground.
Will kneels down beside me and presses his palm to my forehead and my cheek. “Eve, tell me; what is it?”
“I … I can’t. I can’t do that, Will. Maybe I can go back home. Go to my mother. We’ll run away. There’s got to be another way.”
He lets me ramble for a minute, before he shakes his head. “You can’t do that. You know when you go missing, that’s the first place they’ll look.”
I know he’s right, but this is crazy. I’ve done well with the challenges because I had to, but living on my own in the wilderness … that is not something I can do. His faith in me is too much. I wonder which is worse – being accidentally killed in the compound in the presence of my friends or dying alone in the wilderness.
“After you cross, it’ll be about a week-long walk before you reach an outpost. Rena says there’s a community of people. They’ll take you in.” He’s looking down. I wonder what he’s thinking, wondering if he doubts this plan as much as I do. But I don’t interrupt him.
I’ve been so focused on escaping this place; I hadn’t stopped to realize what it would mean. I would be alone. Completely alone. Once I crossed that fence, I could never come back. I wouldn’t see my mother again. I would never see him again.
“Rena is gathering supplies for you. And I’ve been studying the guard duties at this stretch of the fence. There aren’t as many guards patrolling over here, since they figure escaping from the locked-down compound would be impossible.”
I interpret his words a different way. No one would be stupid enough to try and escape from this place. I know I should appreciate Will and Rena for helping me, but I’m numb. And for the first time, I don’t know if I will follow through with their plan. For the first time since coming here, I am letting fear creep in and overtake me. I look to the fence again, and set against the brilliant blue sky, it seems to offer hope. Hope for a future, only I haven’t decided which future is more unbearable.
“What are you thinking?” he asks.
“We should get back.”
He mistakes my response for bravery, but that is the last thing I feel right now. We head back to the Jeep and get inside. But before Will starts it, he turns to me. “Are you sure you’re all right?”
Instead of answering, I hold his eyes with mine. His look is all encompassing and heat radiates between us. I give myself over to the moment and crawl over onto his lap. He pulls me to his chest and folds me up in his arms. He doesn’t ask any questions, he just holds me. The beating of our hearts to the same rhythm is the only thing I focus on for a few minutes. When I’m ready, I pull back and look at him. “How much time do we have?” I suddenly realize this is the thing I’m most afraid of losing. Will. Losing the one person who understands me and accepts me just the way I am.
He swallows. “Three days.”
The whole ride back I have impossible conversations with myself. I can’t ask him to come with me – that’s crazy. Why should he give up his life – put himself in danger for me – to be with me? But my mind stumbles over ways to ask him, just the same. I glance over at him. He’s quiet, concentrating on the road ahead of us. When we reach the compound, he parks and we climb out. I’ve missed my opportunity. The moment is gone. Admitting how I feel about Will, telling him what I want is harder than any of the physical challenges they’ve put me through.
He stops before we reach the door, a determined look on his face. “I don’t want you sleeping in the dorms unprotected. If it’s okay with you, I thought you could stay in my room.” He’s looking down as he says this; like there’s something he’s not telling me.
“What about the tracking device?”
He shakes his head. “The radar room’s been empty since the challenge. I don’t think anyone’s watching. They don’t suspect anything.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll come for you at lights out.”
I nod, already anticipating that delicious feeling of being safe in his arms again.