chapter 27
The smile on Will’s face at seeing me on the other side of the fence is what keeps me going for the first hour. The jog is easy, the temperature just right, and the moon is my lantern. I begin to allow myself to hope that everything will turn out just as Will and Rena said. I’m several hundred yards into the woods before I even begin to feel the ache in my wrist. But once I do, it throbs with every step. I focus on the path I’m blazing through the forest and forget about everything else.
After a little while, I begin to slow. The burst of adrenaline I felt at first fades away to awareness of my surroundings. The woods on this side of the fence are much thicker, more unruly, like they’ve never been touched. But I know that can’t be true; the whole country was populated before the Medical Revolution. The towns and cities were fenced when the government formed the safe cities. Surely there would be ruins of abandoned towns, but I have no idea what I can expect to find. It’s as though the whole world I thought I knew crumbled away on my sixteenth birthday, and now only a few months later, it feels like a lifetime ago. I am not the same person. This isn’t the world I thought I lived in. The realization is daunting. I try not to think too deeply about anything right now, knowing it won’t lead to anything good. I need to keep a clear head and focus on my mission.
I tread one heavy foot in front of the other for what seems like hours. It’s black as night and the temperature dropped, but I’m still sweating.
The backpack feels like it’s filled with bricks and grows heavier with each step I take. I lift it from my shoulders, needing relief from its weight. The movement sends a sharp burst of pain through my wrist and up my forearm. I bite my lip to keep from screaming. I decide to stop and shrug the backpack off. I examine my wrist in the moonlight. The once white bandage is soaked through with blood. I don’t know how I couldn’t have noticed it before, but it’s damp and heavy around my wrist. I tear through the backpack, searching for extra bandages.
Will has rolled them up and placed them in the inside pocket. I unravel the blood soaked bandage from my wrist and drop it to the ground, then begin winding the new cloth bandage tightly around my wrist, but not before I catch a glimpse of the gash there. A pebble of blood appears at the cut and grows each time my heart beats. I quickly cover it, wishing I hadn’t seen that. Now that I have, there is no forgetting. My mind burns with the image. I stand and shrug into the backpack, but now I all I can picture as I run is my heartbeat sending more blood to my wrist. My legs feel weaker, my body more drained, all in an instant.
A twig snaps in the woods. I spin around to face it and almost lose my balance. I grab at the air to keep steady on my feet. My eyes dart to the woods around me, while my heart riots. Have they come for me already? I have no choice but to keep going. I take off jogging, hoping to put distance between me and whatever is in the forest.
All through the night, terrible thoughts fill my mind. I never asked Will if the military guards would cross the fence to come after me – it seems like such a vital piece of information. How could I not know that? I figured to get to me, they might go to any length. I knew of the friendly people they said I’d find at the outpost, if I ever found it, but why hadn’t I ever probed him and Rena on whether there were any unfriendly Radicals I needed to watch out for. I feel so unprepared and small in the wilderness. Even the name of it sends a chill down my neck.
Somehow, I make it through my first night. I don’t stop running until the sun is just rising over the treetops behind me. Surviving my first night feels like a small victory. I deserve a break. I find a good spot to rest, taking my time to be sure I’m tucked back into the thick cover of the forest. Pine needles crunch under my feet, and I make my way under a giant pine tree. It is wonderfully fragrant and cool underneath it. I drop the backpack heavily at my feet and nearly collapse. I sit with my back resting against trunk of the tree. With my good hand, I work free a bottle of water and down it greedily. And though I doubted I’d be able to sleep on this trip, when I tip my head back against the tree, I instantly fall asleep.
The sun is higher in the sky when I wake. Mid-morning. Birds are chirping and the woods feel less menacing in the daylight. I inspect my bandage, and though it’s not soaked through like last night, I decide to change it again. When I pull the bandage free from my wrist, my throat constricts. I suddenly remember dropping the used bandage on the ground last night. And when I got spooked by the sound in the forest, I’d jogged away and left it behind. A clue —pointing them in my direction. My chest heaves with panicked breaths. How could I be so careless?
I consider going back to get it, but it’s at least a four hour run back there. I can’t add eight hours – nearly a day – onto this trip. I know it will be nearly impossible to make it as it is. But if I don’t go back and get it – they could track me. I struggle for a breath and think through my options, but my head is cloudy. If I go back, they may be there waiting for me. I decide the lesser of two evils is letting them find the bandage rather than me.
I eat a handful of peanuts and take a few sips of water, and then I get moving again. I keep a steady pace all throughout the day. But by late afternoon, lack of sleep has finally caught up with me, and I cannot go any farther. I fall, exhausted, into a grassy field and let the long blades enclose me as I sink down.
My second day of walking, I realize that by now, my disappearance has surely reached the capital. I’m sure an all-out search is underway. If I let it, I know the panic of being captured will overtake me, so instead I focus on Will. I wonder if he’s already on his way. I briefly consider tucking myself away in the woods to wait for him. I could build us a little fort and wait for him to come. A smile creeps over my face at the thought of surprising him, throwing my arms around his neck and plastering him with kisses. I picture us walking to the outpost together, hand in hand. But just as quickly, my smile fades. I know I can’t wait. I’d be completely exposed out here. He and Rena made it very clear that I was to keep moving.
I imagine Will in command of a search party, barking orders, leading them away from me. As I picture what the compound must be like in the days since I disappeared, I realize it is sure to be utter chaos. And for the first time, I truly doubt Will’s plan about getting away. Surely things would be locked down more now than ever before. The fence would be secured and heavily guarded. The trench dug under the fence would be discovered and filled in. They would know where I crossed and ensure that no one ever got through that way again.
Hours, and eventually days, pass by in a blur of walking, jogging and nagging self-doubt that claws at my stomach. I spend most of my waking hours arguing with myself. I have impossible conversations in my head. I replay the way Rena looked down when Will said he’d come for me – almost like she couldn’t bear to witness our heartbreakingly far-fetched dreams.
And worst of all, I struggle to remember why Will couldn’t have just come with me that night. Why hadn’t I pulled his hand along and told him to just come, right then with me. My stomach cramps up, and I put my hand to my side, but keep walking.
When I find the square of chocolate Will wrapped in a tissue, my faith in him, in us, is restored. I only allow myself one tiny nibble from the corner. The flavor on my tongue evokes a response I’m not ready for. I don’t want to feel more vulnerable, but I do. My eyes instantly fill with tears. I remember the gentle way he always was with me. I think of us sitting on the musty log that day and remember closing my eyes while he placed the chocolate in my mouth. How I wanted to kiss him that day, but was so stunned by my body’s response to him, I had no idea what to do.
My mind replays every conversation we’d had. I think about what he told me about his brother. I wonder if it is hard for him to think about leaving him on the other side. My stomach flips. Was that why he didn’t come? He’s waiting for his brother. My heart pumps and aches. No. No. He is waiting to make sure … I don’t know for what, though. That I got away free and clear before he risked escaping, too, no longer held the logic it once did. Why would he leave just months before his brother got the mindscan?
Then I remember the anger in his clenched jaw when Rena told us about the mindscan turning people docile. Into Sleepers. Something nags deep inside me. I can’t rule out that Will may try to take matters into his own hands. No. I shake my head, clearing it of the thought. He promised he would come for me. But I think of him and Rena and their whispered conversations, their knowing glances. Were they up to something much bigger than just helping me get away?
I flinch at every forest noise I hear and startle easily at the wind. I become convinced even the chirping birds are spies, reporting my progress. The harder I try to cling onto my sanity, the further it seems to slip from my grasp.
I walk and I walk until I lose track of the days. My pants get so baggy I have to fold them over at the waist just to keep them up. And eventually, I lose the energy to quiet my sobs, letting my doubts and fears run wild until my mind is a hollow, broken cave.