Nodding, she beamed.
“Anyway, I should go soon.”
“Really?” she asked, pouting.
I was sure my pupils dilated when she pouted, remembering biting her lip in our kiss that had been much more frantic and needy than before.
“I’ll see if I can come back after dinner.”
“You could eat here.”
“And I wish I’d asked my parents before so I could stay.”
She tilted her head in a nod. “But you didn’t so your mum’s cooked for you.”
“Exactly.”
“Okay. Let me know if you can come back and I’ll pick a movie.”
“Sounds perfect.”
And I hated how perfect that did sound.
WHEN I GOT home I could hear Finn’s music upstairs, Dad’s office door was shut so he was locked away in there, and I had no idea where Mum was. There was a vegetable stew in the slow cooker, making the kitchen smell incredible.
I walked outside and saw Mum kneeling down in the mud, planting something.
“Hey,” I said, lowering myself to the ground beside her. “Need help?”
Her hands and knees were muddy but she always had the biggest smile when she was outside. She was the true embodiment of Eternal Light. The literature might as well be written about her. When I saw her like that, the way she did every morning back home I missed my community that much more.
“Always,” she replied. “The soil isn’t as good as back home but we are getting good produce. I do miss corn, though. Can you pick the ripe tomatoes and strawberries for me?”
“Sure.” I took a bowl and went to the greenhouse beside where she was digging the ground.
“How is Scarlett?” she asked.
“She’s fine.” She wasn’t fine but I didn’t feel like discussing Scarlett’s private life, even though I should. “I might go back over later if that’s okay?”
“Of course. Are things between you going well?”
Now I wasn’t sure what to answer. Things between us were going really well, the more I saw her, the more I wanted to be around her. When it was just me and her I felt free, I thought of nothing but us. It was addictive.
“Things are going to plan. She’s a nice girl, very sweet.”
“Do you think she is in love with you yet?”
I swallowed razor blades. Yes, she did, and that both thrilled and sickened me. “I’m not sure. Maybe. It’s still early days.” My face burned and I had to busy myself, unable to look my mother in the eye as I lied to her.
“I’ve seen how she looks at you, Noah.”
So had I.
“Even if she’s not we have a couple of months,” I said, picking the red tomatoes off the vines.
“I don’t think that’s going to be an issue. She adores you. I know she’ll go with you without incident.”
My heart sank. Mum said that to make me feel better but it made me feel worthless. I loved Scarlett’s feelings for me; it was plain to see when she stared into my eyes. I shouldn’t feel anything back but I loved her, too.
It will be fine. I’ll get an eternity with her afterwards.
“Can I ask you something, Mum?”
“You know you can. Anything, anytime.”
I licked my lips, gripping the bowl with two hands. “Do you think it will hurt her?”
Silence stretched on for too long.
“Do you mean when she finds out you have lied or the final ritual?”
Which one did I mean? Well, I didn’t want to know the answer to the first, even though I already did. “The ritual,” I replied.
“No, I don’t. It will be over too soon.”
I clawed the plastic bowl, fingertips turning white. “And do you think sixteen is the right age?”
She appeared in front of the door, tilting her head to the side. “Noah…”
I raised one hand. “No, that’s not what I mean. No second thoughts. You know how committed I am to Eternal Light, I agreed to five months in the pit that is civilisation. I am in this one hundred percent. I just wondered if it would be better when she’s twenty or twenty-four. She’d be an adult, we could talk to her adult to adult, get her to come with us voluntarily when there’s no chance of being arrested for kidnap.”
Mum’s body visibly relaxed, stress from her eyes evaporating. “I understand where you are coming from but there is no guarantee that she would come even then. It is dangerous to wait. She is out here where anything could happen to her; death is an occurrence that happens every second out here. All you hear about on the news is death. If she dies before the rituals, it is over for all of us, including Scarlett.”
“Right.” I scratched my forehead. “I know. Sorry, I do know that. I was just thinking aloud.”
“You are entitled to ask questions, Noah. As you know, it is encouraged; you should never hold doubt in. Is it still doubt?”
“No,” I replied, lying to my mother’s face for the second time today alone. It was the first time in my eighteen years that I had lied. What had I become?
She smiled, proving she believed me, made me feel worse. “Good. You know you can come to me if you ever need confirmation on anything.”