Noah led me to the leather seats in the corner of the room. “Do you want me to come in with you or wait out here?” he asked as I filled the paperwork in.
“I don’t know,” I replied, rapidly ticking boxes and giving a brief description of what was wrong in the tiny space they’d allowed.
Part of me wanted him there. I was nervous and he always made that better, but I also wanted to talk without anyone else around. I didn’t want Noah’s opinions swaying Dr Pain. Not that I thought a professional would side with a teenage boy and tell me I was just having normal dreams like everyone else, but I wanted her to hear only my side before she made up her mind.
“I’ll do whatever you want, Scarlett,” he said, squeezing my knee.
“Why do I feel so nervous?”
He shrugged. “Don’t be. Should I wait here and if you need me you can come and get me?”
“Yeah, thanks.”
“Miss Garner,” a super-tall lady said from beside the reception desk just as I’d signed the bottom of the form. Me and Noah were the only ones in here. I gave his hand a squeeze before letting go and standing up. “Hello, I’m Dr Pamela Pain, please come through.”
“Thank you,” I said, giving Noah a fleeting smile over my shoulder.
I sat down on a massive, high-back leather sofa as instructed and Pamela sat on a smaller chair beside me.
“What brings you here today?” she asked.
“Well,” I said, shifting in my seat. “When just before I was four I lost my memory and it never came back.”
“And you want it back?”
I nodded. “I was recently in a car accident and as I was waking up, I remembered things. I’m not really sure what it all was, just parts, like broken memories. But it could just have been weird dreams. I guess I want your help to try and figure out what it was.”
She nodded once, her chin-length bob falling in her face. Tucking her hair behind her ears, only to have it drop out again, she replied, “We can certainly try but first can you tell me a little more about how you lost your memory and what you saw when you were waking.”
I told her everything I remembered in detail. She said very little, only stopping me occasionally to ask for additional information.
“Okay, well, we can certainly try to tap into the lost memories but there is no guarantee, Scarlett. I have to make you aware of that. The brain is a very complex thing and occasionally pieces of information are lost forever. There is a possibility that this is one of those instances, especially since it has been so long.”
I sat on my hands, too eager despite what she said. “But there’s a chance it might work and I’m willing to try. If you are, of course.”
“Absolutely,” she said, holding her hands out. “Lay back against the seat and we’ll get to work.”
“Right now?”
“Unless you’d like to do something else for the last fifteen minutes?”
I shook my head and laid back. “This could really only take fifteen minutes?”
“Potentially. Usually, it takes longer but we should get something, a glimmer of hope for future sessions. Are you ready, Scarlett?”
“Yes,” I replied with a weak voice.
“Okay, please close your eyes and relax your muscles.”
I felt stupid but I did what she said. Her voice was soft and soothing, exactly what you’d expect, and I felt almost instantly sleepy.
“I want you imagine yourself as a three-year-old child, you know nothing of the fire that took your memory.”
I did that, picturing myself just a little bit younger than I looked in the photos we had at home.
“You’re playing with your brother,” she said.
I instantly aged in my head, to around four-years-old and I was playing the Hungry Hippos board game.
“I can’t see that far back with him. There’s nothing there.”
“Okay, shh,” she said, placing her hand over mine as I scrunched my eyes and tried to force myself to think further back. “Relax, Scarlett. Leave Jeremy and go back to the start. You’re three, almost a full year before the fire. Where are you?”
“I’m nowhere, there’s just white around me, like those models in photo frames.”
“Alright. Take that girl and put her in the park with Evelyn.” I did that. I was in the park with Evelyn but the image was blurry, flickering and unreliable. It didn’t happen.
“What’re you doing in the park?”
“Nothing, I’m watching her run with Jeremy.”
“No, you’re seeing your dream, Scarlett. Take Jeremy away. You and Evelyn are on the swings. You’re laughing and having fun. Keep that image in your head. Keep playing with her and tell me when there’s a change.”