Remember.
The soft glow of candlelight made them seem dream-like, but I knew better than that. They were in the room that was hot, too. I couldn’t remember if I was playing with anyone but at the time I was just standing and watching them. Why wouldn’t I have joined in? Me and Jeremy played all the time when we were younger.
I leaned back against the metal wall and gripped my hair. I was back there, playing the same memory over and over in my mind, desperately trying to extend it past the few short seconds it lasted. What happened next? I imagined a broken link and fixed it in my head, hoping, praying that it’d somehow trick my mind into mending whatever went wrong after the accident.
It happened, I was there. I could do this.
Gripping my hair tighter, I whimpered as my head started to throb. Stay with it. Don’t give up. Everything was inside my head; I just had to let it out. Think. Remember. Please. I tried to do what Dr Pain got me to do and manipulate the memory. I paused it, keeping Evelyn still in my mind. All I could see was the side of her face, her rosy cheek, button nose and the corner of her eye.
Remember.
I imagined I was with her, standing by her side, slightly taller because back then I was only a few inches shorter than Jeremy, and she only came up to his shoulder. She wore a white dress like the one I’d been wearing. I didn’t feel anything when she was there.
“Ahh,” I cried, pressing down on my forehead as pain sliced through my head.
The memories of me crying and boiling from the candles made my heart race in the worst way. Evelyn brought on nothing. But the candles might.
The smell, warmth and feel of having candles alight may do something. I’d been around them before, of course, but I wasn’t focused on them before. I turned around yet again and jogged home, hoping this latest direction would work.
Mum and Dad were watching a movie in the living room when I got home. Jeremy’s car wasn’t in the drive, so he was probably off with Amie. “Is that you, Scarlett?” Dad called.
“Yeah.”
“Do you want to watch Golden Gun with us? It’s just starting.”
“No, thanks, I’m going to have a bath.”
“Okay,” he replied, and I headed upstairs, stopping in the hall to grab Mum’s box of candles from the dresser. If I didn’t remember tonight, I didn’t know what I was going to do. I was close to tears and so frustrated I felt like slamming my fist into the mirror. Something is wrong, and they won’t tell me!
I locked the bathroom door, took a deep breath and started the water running. I was going to have to actually have a bath now I’d said it, but there was no way I could lock myself in the bathroom without them getting suspicious if I were just burning candles.
I set two tea lights on the windowsill, a candlestick in a holder on the side of the bath, and struck the match against the side of the box. Staring at the flame, I said a quiet prayer for this to work and lit the wicks.
Sitting on the edge of the bath, I stared at the tall, white candle on the side of the bath. That one was the closest to the one I’d seen, and I just wanted the others to give the illusion of there being more flames around without the danger of them falling out of the silver holders.
I felt the warmth and calm that staring at a flame brought, it was like cuddling up indoors on a cold, winter’s day. I loved fire, had always been drawn to it. Ironic really as it was fire that stole four years from me. Well, possibly.
Stripping out of my clothes, I got into the bath and sat closer, making sure to leave enough distance so if it did fall I wouldn’t get burnt. I breathed in and out slowly for five seconds, closed my eyes and felt myself being drawn towards the heat.
I gasped and was a child again and in the room that was too hot. Jeremy and Evelyn were running and this time I made them run round and round, coming in and out of shot. But this time I didn’t focus on them. I left them and walked to the candles. I felt the heat from the one in front of me, smelled the smoke as the small flame flickered, creating light and dark patches behind my eyelids.
I didn’t realise I was breathing so hard until my chest started to hurt. I should stop, but I felt closer than I had before. The heat and smell made me feel something. Fear. My skin may feel hot, but inside I was cold. Frozen. I gagged, swallowing bile as I felt betrayal and loneliness, even though I didn’t understand it.
My eyes flew open, and I clung to the handles on the bath. Tears streamed down my face as I tried to make sense of what’d just happened. I wanted to curl up and sob until my throat was raw because of the feeling of pure fear I’d just experienced. And I didn’t even know why I was afraid. Something really bad happened to me, something that my memory was protecting me from and even though I could feel how scared I was back then, it still refused to let me relive it.