This Star Won't Go Out

[11:00:50 PM] KATIE: God, seriously.

[11:00:56 PM] ESTHER: yeah, I’m so glad ALL OF YOU are here, right now, talking to me. I’ve never talked about anything with anyone from the internet that was serious, but I’m so happy for your guys <3

[11:00:58 PM] LINDSAY: i can’t stress enough how much i’m here for you guys

[11:01:08 PM] LINDSAY: like, really

[11:01:10 PM] ARKA: guys talk about something dumb for 5 minutes I have to get on the laptop



We grew closer that night. People shared their insecurities, struggles with anxiety and depression, and many of the biggest trials life had thrown their way. Our little Skype chat became more than just a place to have fun; it was a place full of unconditional love and support.

Learning of Esther’s cancer didn’t affect the group dynamic as much as one would expect. There was always that worry at the back of our minds, but Esther was really good at downplaying the situation, and we knew her well enough to think of her outside of her disease. Catitude proceeded apace, becoming even more active in our community by starting a tumblog together dedicated to showcasing the creativity and awesomeness of nerdfighteria.




Sometimes I just sit and watch the chat and everyone is so funny and intelligent and caring for one another. It’s like this truest, purest, most wonderful form of love and friendship. I don’t know. It’s just the best. And Esther was part of that. She was that. The best.

—ALYSIA KOZBIAL


I think there were a number of reasons we all immediately fell in love with this little chat we had. Obviously, a lot of the appeal was that we were all interested in similar things: we all met through various online communities like nerdfighteria, the Harry Potter Alliance, and fan forums for bands like The Mountain Goats and They Might Be Giants. The mutual interests made the initial get-to-know-you’s simple and comfortable. Still, in only a few months, we became inseparable from each other, and I think that was because of much more than common history.

It seems to me that we were each at a bit of a crossroads in our life; we all were questioning things about our lives that we may have taken for granted previously. Many of us were coping with anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues. Even more of us were making plans for college and careers, beginning to explore what adulthood might look like. With growing up comes insecurity and uncertainty. Catitude did something to put all of our minds at ease.

Catitude was important because it was exactly what we needed it to be at any given moment. We spent an inordinate amount of time making complete and utter fools of ourselves. Entire nights were spent in Skype calls, playing multiplayer games online with each other. I remember making jokes about poop, going far out of our way to make each other uncomfortable, and laughing at things like a bunch of over-sugared six-year-olds. And then there were the nights when someone showed up in the chat, obviously hurt or bothered. Everyone would stop what they were doing, and all attention would turn to the person in need. Nothing else would matter until that person was properly cared for. It was impossible—not—to trust everyone in the chat with the most vulnerable parts of yourself.

—KATIE TWYMAN



“The Arms of Catitude,”

LEAKYCON, ORLANDO, FLORIDA, 2011