Reason to Breathe

27. Warmth





I caught a glimpse of his tousled golden brown hair in the sea of people. I followed after him, squeezing through the bodies, forcing myself to move faster. No matter how fast I tried to move, I couldn’t reach him. The bodies became solid and I was pushing through branches that raked my skin. I could still see him up ahead, but he didn’t look back. My legs refused to cooperate and run faster. It took every effort to propel myself forward. I couldn’t let him get away. My heart raced as I feared losing sight of him.


Suddenly the ground slid beneath me, and I didn’t see him anymore. The crumbling rocky surface continued to roll away. I tried to stop, but it was too late. I grabbed at the rocks and the loose dirt, my legs scraping along the rough surface. My fingers curled around the edge and my legs hung, suspended above the darkness. Panic enveloped me as I tried to pull myself up. The rocks started to break free from the ledge, and that’s when I saw him standing above me. I tried to reach for him, but as soon as I lifted my hand, the ground beneath the other hand gave way. I didn’t see his face when I fell. Just before I hit bottom, I shot up in bed.

I was greeted by the familiar residuals of my active sleep – the racing pulse, heavy breathing and sheen of sweat – but this time, there were tears running down my cheeks. I fell into my pillow and cried, giving way to the ache in my chest until I was too exhausted to hurt anymore and drifted back into a restless sleep.





“You look tired,” Sara observed when she picked me up the next morning.

“I haven’t been sleeping very well,” I confessed, pushing away the unsettling images of the nightmare that still clung to me.

“Are you going to last for the party tonight?”

“I’ll be fine,” I promised. The thought of spending the night at Kelli Mulligan’s beach house was enough to jolt me to attention. I wasn’t concerned I was going to fall asleep – I was more concerned about going to my first party with Drew since the bon fire.





“Ready for the party tonight?” Drew asked when he met me in the parking lot.

Seeing him brought a smile to my face, as it had every morning that week when he found me at Sara’s car. Although Sara wasn’t blatantly rude, she wasn’t making any attempt to accept Drew. It was uncomfortably out of character for her. I mindfully ignored her and fell under Drew’s arm as he wrapped it around my shoulder.

“Yeah,” I responded with a forced hoorah in my voice. Why was I stressin’ over this party so much?

“It’s going to be a good one,” Drew said, pulling me against him.

Before we parted ways in the hall, he quickly brushed his lips against my cheek and whispered, “I’ll see you at lunch.” I smiled at his touch.

“Maybe that’s what happened,” Sara concluded as we walked to our lockers. “Your concussion must have left you confused and delusional.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The fact that you continue to ogle at Drew like he is the guy.”

“What’s wrong with you?” I couldn’t understand the motive for her bitterness.

“I just don’t like you with Drew,” she stated blatantly.

“What? You think I’m different? What have I done wrong?” I questioned in alarm.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, really. You’re just not the same, like something’s missing.” She shook her head slightly in deliberation. “I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Sara, why are you making this so hard? If there’s something I’m doing that I don’t know that I’m doing, please tell me so I can fix it. But if I’m not doing anything wrong, then I don’t understand why it’s so difficult to see us together? I’m trying to be happy, and Drew makes me happy. I’d be a lot happier if you weren’t so critical of me. I want to have a good time this weekend. We’re finally getting to spend weekends together without fear or having to lie. Aren’t you excited at all?”

“I am,” she replied quietly, then forced a smile on her face. It was a start. “I’m sorry. A lot has changed lately. I think I’m having a harder time adjusting than you are. I’ll try to be happy for you.”

She hesitated, like she wanted to add something, but thought better of it. I waited, letting her gather her words.

“I won’t second guess you anymore. I trust that you know what you’re doing, and I’ll support you. So, yes, I promise by the time we leave today, I will be excited. Okay?”

“Thank you.” I flashed her an appreciative smile before she headed to class.

By the time we met for lunch, Sara didn’t show any visible signs of having reservations about Drew and me, and she was her exuberant self once again. She talked about Kelli’s party and who was supposed to be there, noting who was sleeping over. Since the house was just twenty minutes from Weslyn, there were only a few invited to stay the night, and they were exclusively girls.

Sara’s good mood held up for the remainder of the day. She even had an actual conversation with Drew. He talked to her like there wasn’t ever anything wrong, but her efforts didn’t go unnoticed by me. I was grateful that she was finally giving in to the idea that he was who I was with.

I knew that being with Drew was going to be different, and I wasn’t going to feel the same. I shouldn’t, right? So when he pulled me into the vacant trainer’s office before I left for my game, I wasn’t expecting his send off or how he’d make me feel.

“I’ll meet you at Kelli’s around eight?” he confirmed.

“That’s about right,” I recalled.

I knew he was going to kiss me when he leaned over, but I was surprised when he slid his hand behind my neck and wrapped his arm around my waist to pull me to him. His warm breath released into my mouth as he parted my lips with his tongue. The connection ignited a heat in my stomach. I released a shocked breath of excitement. Our bodies pressed firmly together, and our wet lips slid over the other’s urgently. When he released me, I exhaled a quivering breath.

“Wow,” he breathed.

“Yeah,” I responded softly.

My entire body was pulsing, a sensation I’d never experienced before. I needed to steady my breath and the swirling in my head before I could move.

“I should go,” I whispered, pressing my lips together. They still lingered with the remnants of our kiss.

“Okay,” he replied with a grin. He met me with another kiss, initially meant to be a soft kiss good bye. But as soon as we touched, we fell into the frenzied passion again. Before I could completely lose myself in the moment, I pulled away.

“Yeah, I really have to go,” I breathed.

He smiled back before I slipped out the door.

“Why are your cheeks so red?” Jill observed as we walked together to the bus.

I put my hand to my face, registering the warmth with a smile.

“I had to run to get here in time,” I lied. “I was talking to Ms. Holt about the paper.”

The warmth and pulsing lingered for most of the bus ride. I sat in the back, resting my head against the window, staring at nothing. I barely heard the music blaring in my ears as I replayed the kiss in my head. My lips turned up at the corners, as I inhaled deeply.

“What’s going on with you?” Jill questioned curiously from beside me.

I removed an earbud so that I could hear her.

“You don’t look as focused as you usually do before a game,” she noted. “Are you okay?”

I shook off the buzz.

“Yeah,” I stated soberly. “I’m fine. I was just caught up in something else.”

“I’m sure I know who.” She grinned. I ignored her and put the earbud back in, forcing my mind to prepare for the game.





Sara picked me up at the school after we returned.

“You win?” Sara asked.

“Of course,” I confirmed with a smile.

“My mom has dinner in the oven for us when we get home, so we’ll get ready to go to Kelli’s after we eat. I’ve already picked out your clothes.”

I smile, having expected nothing less.

“Should I be nervous?”

“I think you may be.”

I groaned.

I groaned again when I saw it.

“A dress, Sara?!” I discovered in dismay, staring in shock at the blue and green flirty strapless dress paired with a blue cardigan.

“No heels this time,” she pointed out, hoping it would make up for the lack of material, but I couldn’t take my enlarged eyes off of the dress.

“Just go take a shower and let me worry about the clothes,” she demanded.

I obeyed.





I started buttoning the sweater, wanting to conceal the fact that nothing was holding up the dress. Sara removed my hands from the buttons, shaking her head. I examined the dress; it swayed a little too far above my knees in the mirror, and I gave Sara a worried glance. The dress kept me from being concerned with the large curlers in my hair.

“Relax, it looks great,” Sara assured me. “I promise it isn’t going to fall down. It fits perfectly.”

“I don’t understand how, considering how much bigger your chest is than mine.”

“That’s why I never wore it,” she confessed. “Don’t envy having a bigger bra size. It’s more of a pain in the ass than you realize.”

I let out a short laugh, skeptical of her self-criticism.

Sara removed the cooled curlers and released soft waves of hair that she tousled with her fingers. It was more volume than my hair had ever seen, and took me the entire car ride to get used to it.

“Stop playing with your hair,” Sara reprimanded as we pulled into Kelli’s driveway.

The Mulligan’s beach house was spectacular. The house shined like a beacon at the top of the long inclined driveway when we pulled up. It was a modern two-story structure set on a cliff. The entire ocean side of the top floor was lined with windows that let off a distinct glow against the darkened sky.

Sara and I gathered our overnight bags and followed the stone driveway to a narrower walkway with our heels clicking along the hard surface. My stomach turned in anticipation of what awaited us behind the large white doors when Sara rang the bell.

“Hey Sara! Emma!” Kelli yelled in excitement when she opened the door. “Come on in.”

We entered the small foyer which was illuminated by a large spiny light fixture suspended above our heads. We followed Kelli up a short flight of stairs that opened into a space so expansive it made my jaw drop. A sleek white and chrome kitchen with a massive cooking island and bar connected with a spacious living area that had an amazing view of the ocean. A fire flickered in the large stone fireplace along one side of the open room, and a chic chrome table with a glass top was centered along the glass wall. Another sitting area focused around a sophisticated entertainment unit on the other side. I recognized most of the forty, maybe fifty people scattered around.

We followed Kelli through the kitchen and down a long hall. She opened the last door. We walked into a bright white bedroom with a glass wall looking out at the ocean. There were two full sized beds adorned with white and blue pillows, a small fireplace across from a chaise, and its own private bathroom.

“This is where you’ll be staying for the night,” she announced as she walked in. She handed Sara a key. “So you don’t have to worry about anyone wandering in here later.” She grinned. “Come out whenever you’re ready and help yourselves to anything.”

“Nice, huh?” Sara admired after Kelli disappeared down the hall.

“Unbelievable,” I gaped, watching the dark waves crash against the rocks.

After abandoning our bags in the room, we joined the party. This party was much different than the other two parties I’d been to. Everyone here was dressed like they were going out to an expensive restaurant, or maybe a nightclub. The girls made a point to show off skin, accented by something sparkly dangling from their ears or necks, while the guys made an extra effort to wear fitted clothes and style their hair with more product than I owned. Sara’s dress now made sense, except that I was covering it up with the sweater, and I wasn’t about to take off.

“How was your game?” Drew asked, sliding his arms around my waist, and giving me a quick kiss on the lips. The warmth rushed in at the touch of his lips, instantly reminding me of our connection earlier in the day.

“We won,” I responded with a smile, accented by the red of my cheeks.

He took my hand and escorted me to the kitchen. Sara was already there greeting everyone as we made our way through. She picked up a glass of champagne, and Drew grabbed a beer. An uneasy twinge passed through my stomach.

“What do you want?” Drew asked, pulling me towards him so he could talk in my ear.

“I think I’m okay for now,” I responded nervously. I glanced around and noticed most people holding some type of glass, presumably containing alcohol. An anxious flood surged through me, fearing more awkward exchanges with inebriated people. This was going to be interesting.

“Are you sure?” Drew confirmed. “I don’t need to drink if it makes you uncomfortable.”

I didn’t know what to say in response. Of course it made me uncomfortable. I’d witnessed too many moments when my mother failed to function while intoxicated. Even though alcohol seemed to be at every party I’d been to so far, it didn’t change my aversion to it. Could I really ask him not to drink?

“Are you driving?” was the first thing that came out of my mouth.

“No. I’m staying in the guest house tonight with a couple of the guys.”

He’s staying over? I held my breath at the thought of having him here all night, especially after the kiss we shared earlier. I could handle this, right?

“I don’t drink,” I shrugged apologetically.

“That’s fine,” he acknowledged, setting down the bottle. “I don’t have to either.” Then he kissed me softly on the lips, and whispered in my ear, “I don’t need the alcohol to give me a buzz.” My face grew hot. I let out a quick breath, not convinced I could handle it anymore.

I didn’t know where Sara disappeared to, so I followed Drew to the sitting area where a few of his friends were talking about surfing. I stood next to Drew, with his arm around my waist, listening to their animated stories – which were more entertaining than I anticipated.

I spotted Sara with a few girls from soccer near the kitchen, so I told Drew I’d be right back.

“Hi,” I said as I approached the small group.

“Hi Emma,” Katie welcomed. “You look really great.”

“Thanks,” I replied awkwardly. “So do you.” I noted the strapless white top, the form fitting black pants and the strappy black heels - with more inches than I could manage, but she pulled them off like she wore them every day.

“Where’s Drew?” Sara asked.

“Talking to some friends.” I nodded toward the group of laughing guys.

“Are you two officially together?” Lauren asked.

“What does that mean exactly?” I questioned, not understanding the “officially” part. Dating had rules that I evidently was not aware of.

“Are you seeing other people?” she clarified.

“I’m not,” I answered, then glanced over at Drew who was completely engaged in a story. Did Drew want to see someone else? If he did, would that be okay? The thought of it triggered an unexpected twist in my stomach.

“We haven’t talked about it,” I confessed.

“Em, you should ask him what he expects,” Sara advised. The other girls nodded.

“You don’t want to assume anything and then get burned later,” Jill added. “Drew doesn’t kiss and tell, but you never know what he may have going on on the side.” My eyes flashed toward Katie when her eyes averted to the floor and her cheeks turned a slight pink.

“That’s why I was surprised when I heard he kissed you,” Lauren noted. “I never hear about Drew.”

“I think it’s because it was her,” Sara concluded. “It was a bigger deal, so I’m sure he couldn’t keep that to himself.”

The conversation regarding Drew and I was making me uncomfortable. I really wanted to change the subject.

“Are you staying over?” I asked the girls, but they were too entrenched in analyzing my relationship with Drew to hear me.

“I know how his friends are,” Katie finally added, “so don’t assume he’s as innocent as you think.” She wasn’t talking to me directly, but I still heard the warning in her tone. I studied her suspiciously - she still refused to look at me. Sara picked up on the intonation as well.

“Katie, what do you know?”

“Nothing – I’ve just hung out with them before, when they went surfing in Jersey. I watched them all flirt with the girls there. I went with Michaela once when Jay invited her, right after they hooked up. When we got there, he barely paid any attention to her. He was too busy hitting on another girl from the city. He didn’t even think twice about it, and then he didn’t understand why Michaela was upset when he came back around and wanted to get with her later that night.”

“That doesn’t mean they’re all like that,” Jill argued. Katie shrugged. I recognized she wasn’t telling us everything.

“Em, come with me,” Sara requested. “I need another drink.”

I pulled a bottle of sparkling water out of the refrigerator while Sara topped off her glass, awaiting the real reason she pulled me away from the girls.

“I think Katie may have had something with Drew,” she warned. “Or still does.”

“You think so?”

She shrugged. “Maybe. There’s something definitely up. I know he’s been with at least two girls here.”

“Don’t tell me,” I pleaded.

Knowing Drew’s history of girls was more than I could take; the thought of it caused my stomach to twist tighter. I glanced over at him again, but the guys had dispersed. I scanned the room and found him talking to Kelli and another girl I didn’t know. The twist morphed into an unwelcome streak of jealousy. I forced myself to dismiss it, convinced I was overreacting. The girls had gotten to me, and I needed to shake off the insecurity.

“Just talk to him, so you’re on the same page,” she insisted. “Do you want to date him exclusively?”

It was a question I hadn’t given much thought to. I’d allowed Drew to slip in when I wasn’t paying attention, and now that I was paying attention, I didn’t know what to think. I took seeing him every day for granted, unconcerned if he had an interest in anyone other than me. But looking around the room and seeing the options, I understood the temptation, and it made me question what was happening between us.

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “I’ve never really thought about it.”

“I didn’t think so.” I was prepared for her to say more, but she didn’t.

“Hey Sara,” Jay approached us. “It’s cool to see you here.”

“Hi Jay,” Sara acknowledged.

“Are you two up for going surfing with us this spring?”

The invitation to be a part of Drew’s future was suddenly too overwhelming. I really had been living in the present. So all the talk about declaring my intent with Drew and surfing with him and his friends months from now, was too much to absorb all at once.

“We’ll see,” I remarked with a casual shrug.

“Come on. You’ll love it,” he insisted.

“A lot can happen between now and then,” Sara answered, reading into my abbreviated response.

“True,” Jay agreed. “But no matter what, I’d love to get you on a board - or see you in a bikini.” He laughed. I stared at him with widened eyes, while Sara rolled hers.

“I was just kidding,” he defended.

“Hey,” Drew said, coming up behind me, slipping his arms around my waist.

“I was just talking about taking them surfing with us this spring,” Jay told Drew.

“Really? You want me to teach you how to surf?” Drew came alongside me so he could see my face.

“Maybe,” I shrugged, not wanting to mislead him about our potential future.

“She doesn’t think you guys will last until the spring,” Jay laughed.

“Jay!” Sara exclaimed, hitting his arm.

“Ow!” He flinched, holding the spot where she made contact. “What?!”

“She never said that,” she bit back. Then she looked to Drew, rolling her eyes. “He’s an idiot.”

Drew observed me cautiously, trying to read my face.

“Are you ditching me already?” he questioned in concern.

“No!” I declared. “I never said anything like that. Thanks a lot, Jay!” Jay put his hands up in defense, which was obviously a common pose for him.

Drew took my hand and led me down the hall, away from the noise. My stomach turned, nervous to have this conversation right now.

“What’s going on?” he asked

“Nothing,” I assured him, but my voice lacked the confidence needed to set him at ease.

“I’d rather not talk right here,” I stated, glancing toward the voice filled room, with the attentive ears and subtle glances in our direction as we attempted to isolate ourselves.

Drew’s eyes tightened. I must’ve said something wrong. This wasn’t going very well, and I couldn’t figure out what I was saying that kept upsetting him.

He led me across the room, down the stairs, and out the front door. I shivered, wrapping the sweater around me to brace myself against the cold wind.

“Where are we going?” I asked, continuing alongside him across the driveway.

“Some place we can talk.”

Through a break in the trees was a small cottage. He took out a key and unlocked the door. The small house was one large room with an eat-in kitchen, a sitting area, two queen sized beds on the far side, and a ladder leading up to a lofted bed. It was decorated in a typical New England nautical theme, with shells and pictures of sailboats, in complete contrast with the chic, modern design of the main house.

Drew shut the door and turned toward me. I was not prepared for the concerned look on his face. The misunderstanding evidently had gotten to him, and I was failing at saying the right thing to make him feel better. Now I was worried about what to say next.

“Tell me what that was all about?” he requested anxiously.

“I’m sorry.” Panic streaked across his face. Wrong words again! What was I doing wrong? “The girls were trying to give me advice, and I let it get to me. It was stupid, really.” I hoped he would find some comfort in my dismissive tone, but he remained tense.

“What did you want advice about?”

“I didn’t,” I said quickly. This was harder than I thought. “They asked me if you and I were officially together, and I said we hadn’t really talked about it. So they told me I should, that way I’d know in case you were seeing someone else. It was ridiculous, and I shouldn’t have listened to them.”

“Huh.” I waited as he processed what I said. The tension let up in his shoulders, but his eyes remained uneasy.

“So, are we together?” he finally asked.

Not what I was expecting.

“What does that mean exactly?”

Wrong question again. His eyes flinched in alarm.

“Do you want to be with anyone else?” he inquired cautiously.

My heart stammered at the question. I couldn’t force the words out to tell him that there wasn’t anyone else, so I shook my head. My heart continued to stutter at the untruth.

“Do you?” I returned anxiously, having already considered the reasons he may not want to be exclusive.

“No,” he denied quickly. “So why don’t you think we’ll last until the spring?”

We were back to this question again? I took a breath, stalling before answering.

“I never said that,” I promised.

“Do you think we will be?”

Now how was I going to answer that without it coming out wrong? I looked into his nervous bright green eyes and smirked. I decided to do the only thing I could to avoid answering. I took a step toward him and put my arms around his neck, pulling him toward me. He didn’t resist when I kissed him.

Drew smiled softly, revealing his dimples. He leaned in to find me again with his soft lips, causing a warmth to surge through me. His mouth rushed to find mine over and over again as he pulled me closer. I could hardly breathe with the pulsing heat capturing my lungs.

His firm body pressed against mine. Small excited gasps escaped as he tightened his hold around my waist. We slowly moved across the room, keeping up the frantic kissing and breathing until my legs bumped up against something. He guided me onto my back on one of the beds. My head was caught up in the swirl of quick breaths, unable to process where this was leading. Then his hand slid along the back of my thigh and he pulled my leg around him. A sobering flash tried to register in my head.

Drew ran his lips along my neck, sending another whirl of excitement through my body, crushing the warning before it developed. The warmth of his tongue traveled down my neck as he proceeded to peel my sweater back to reveal my bare skin. I let out a small moan of pleasure as the swirl consumed me. He made his way back to my mouth and began running his hand along my outer thigh, then slid it in between my legs.

The sobering crash resounded in my head, at the same time a cold draft caught me.

“Whoa,” a voice said from the door.

“Jay, get out!” Drew yelled, still pressed against me with his head turned toward the door.

I shot up from under him, pulling my dress down, and adjusting my sweater. Drew was forced to sit next to me on the bed.

“Sorry, man,” Jay offered with an annoying smile. “I didn’t know.”

“Just get out.”

“See you inside,” Jay laughed, closing the door behind him.

“Shit,” Drew whispered, falling on his back. “Sorry about that.”

From a distance I could hear Sara’s voice. “Jay, have you seen Emma?”

I jumped up from the bed, and proceeded to straighten my dress.

“She’s in there.” Jay laughed again.

“What’s wrong?” Drew questioned in alarm, propped up on his elbows on the bed.

“Sara’s looking for me,” I explained, smoothing my hair in the mirror.

“Do you want to go back inside?” he inquired, the disappointment heavy in his voice. He stood up as Sara as knocked on the door.

“Emma, you in there?” Sara beckoned from the other side.

“Come in,” Drew yelled back.

Sara peered in cautiously. I rolled my eyes at her suspicious entrance. She looked from me to Drew, and back to me again, then glanced at the rippled bedding. I knew I was in for a drilling later.

“Um, we were going to…” she faltered. “I was just looking for you.”

“I’ll be right there,” I promised, unable to leave just yet with the bright red running from my cheeks down to my chest.

“Okay, I’ll see you inside,” she responded slowly, closing the door behind her.

“Sorry,” I said to Drew. “But we should go back in before everyone starts looking for us.”

“I could lock the door,” he offered, pulling back the sweater and kissing the top of my shoulder. Before the swirls regained their momentum, I laughed nervously and backed away, covering my shoulder with the sweater. Drew conceded reluctantly, “Fine, we’ll go back in.”

We were welcomed with suspicious glances and assuming smiles that made my chest tighten when we entered the house. Maybe my face was still flushed, so they knew what we were up to just by looking at me. I searched the room for Sara and found Jay with the dumbest smile that I had a strong desire to smack off of his face.

“I’m going to get something to drink,” I told Drew, heading toward the kitchen area.

He walked straight to Jay and had him in a corner in conversation before I made it to the kitchen.

“I guess you’re official now,” Jill said with a laugh.

“What?!” My worst fear was realized as she gave me a knowing grin. The heat crept along my neck to my cheeks.

“Come on,” she hinted. “Jay has a big mouth, remember?”

“Great.” I huffed, shaking my head in humiliation. “I’m sure it was so much worse coming out of his mouth.”

“I don’t know if it could get any worse.”

“What are you talking about?” I demanded, now confused.

She didn’t respond for a second, and then she nodded for me to walk over to an empty corner next to the cabinets. My heart skipped a beat in panic.

“He said he walked in on you and Drew having sex.”

“What?!” I yelled, much louder than I should have. I grabbed the counter to support me so I wouldn’t fall over. The people closest to us stopped to listen.

“We were kissing,” I assured her in an agitated whisper. “That’s it. What an ass!” My stomach turned, suddenly realizing why we’d received so many stares when we came back.

“Sorry.” She shrugged. “Jay likes his stories.” I shook my head in disbelief.

Sara had slipped in beside us while I was explaining what Jay had actually seen.

“I knew you wouldn’t do that.” She sounded relieved.

“Of course not!” I declared adamantly. Drew seemed to be having a very similar conversation with some of the guys on the other side of the room. Jay continued to shake his head while turning his hands in the air in his infamous defensive pose.

“Please tell me there is something more interesting to talk about than what Drew and I didn’t do,” I begged, trying to settle the nausea in my flipping stomach.

“Um, well, Katie disappeared with Tim somewhere,” Jill offered.

“Really?” Sara asked, intrigued.

If trying to guess what two people were doing alone together was a form of entertainment, then I didn’t want any part of it – especially after I had been one of the people providing the entertainment. I slipped past Sara and Jill, while they continued to draw outrageous conclusions, and found an empty space on the couch in front of the fireplace to stare at the flames. I was struck with an unsettling déjà vu.

“I had him once,” Kelli said, breaking my entranced gaze. I watched her scoot towards me, greeted by the sweet burn of liquor. I let out a heavy breath, preparing myself.

“You are sooo lucky,” she slurred. “Drew is the greatest guy.”

“Mmm,” I agreed, humoring her.

“I only f*cked him once,” she confessed. My back tensed. “We never dated or anything.” She shared this information as if it should put me at ease. “But he’s amazing, isn’t he?” I couldn’t move.

“I’m so glad you and Sara are here,” Kelli murmured, laying her head on my shoulder. “You are the nicest people I’ve ever met.” I glanced over at her short brown hair that flipped up in the right places, and her thin strapped cocktail dress that exposed her cleavage.

Great, so he’d been with her, and probably Katie. Who else in this room had the privilege of a Drew experience? I knew I wasn’t the first person he’d dated, like he was for me. But from the sounds of it, dating wasn’t necessary to get to know him. I felt sick with the thought of the girl next to me in a compromising position with Drew. I knew I shouldn’t allow it to get to me. But whether it should or not, it did.





I had preoccupied myself in order to avoid thinking about Drew’s past, and I eventually lost track of the time. I talked to random people about nothing in particular. I even watched a couple of guys arm wrestle, which was ridiculously entertaining - especially when one guy kept cheating by standing up out of his chair. Sara checked on me a few times, but she became preoccupied with a local guy that Kelli had invited. By the time Drew found me, most people were starting for the door or going to their rooms.

“Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve seen you,” Drew said, sliding next to me on the couch and placing his arm around my shoulders. I was ready to go to bed, and I had hoped to slip into my room without being noticed. I was hesitant to lean against him so he could put his arm around me – still not recovered from the thoughts that had plagued me most of the night. “You okay?”

“Just tired.” I played it off by stretching my back - feeling horrible that he had picked up on my evasion.

“Too tired to be alone with me?” he whispered in my ear. I grinned; the warmth of his breath erased every insecurity that had disturbed me throughout the night. I turned my head, and he met me with a gentle kiss on the lips.

“Well?” he urged. I continued grinning, allowing the warmth to rush through me. He kissed me again, lingering a little longer while wrapping his arm around my waist to pull me closer.

Someone cleared her throat behind us. I pulled back and looked toward the noise to find Katie standing a few feet behind us. I sat up in surprise.

“Drew, could I talk to you a minute?” Katie asked innocently, swaying slightly with her hands on her hips and a flirtatious grin upon her face.

Drew sighed and looked to me. I shrugged, allowing him to decide if he wanted to talk to her.

“Sure,” he said slowly and got up to follow her to a vacant spot leaning against the window in front of the dining room table.

I sunk into the couch, my twisting stomach kept me from watching. After a few minutes, Drew returned appearing bemused.

“Everything okay?” I asked, without really wanting to know the answer.

“Just wasn’t expecting that,” Drew admitted, with a distant look in his eye.

I couldn’t ask him to explain, but his answer was unsettling. Now I did want to know what Katie said. He noticed when I tensed away, and he reached for my hand.

“It’s a long story,” he said dismissively. That didn’t help.

“I think a few people are going in the hot tub downstairs,” Drew offered. “Are you interested?”

“Not really,” I replied, wanting more than ever to put the twisting discomfort behind me and go to my room.

“You really just want to go to bed, don’t you?”

“I do,” I confessed. “Sorry.”

“That’s fine. It’s really late.” Then he hesitated before he asked, “Could I lay with you?”

I stopped breathing. I definitely wasn’t expecting that.

“I don’t think that would be a great idea.”

“You’re probably right,” he conceded. “Can I at least tuck you in?”

I grinned at the offer. “I think that would be okay.”

Drew followed me to find Sara so that I could get the key. She looked at Drew behind me and raised her eyebrows. I rolled my eyes and shook my head, dismissing her silent insinuation. I knew that anyone who saw Drew follow me to the room would assume the same thing. With everything that had already happened and been misinterpreted tonight, I was beyond caring about it anymore.

Drew sat in a white chair in the room, while I prepared for bed in the bathroom. I emerged with my teeth brushed, face washed, wearing a pair of striped boxer shorts and a fitted tank top. Drew grinned, probably because he was seeing more of me than he’d seen so far.

I slipped under the covers of the bed as he locked the door.

“So no one walks in and assumes anything,” he offered in response to my inquisitive look.

“You’re just tucking me in, remember?”

Drew smirked.

“Good night,” he whispered, leaning over to kiss my lips. He hesitated ever so slightly before his lips touched mine so that I could feel the heat of his breath. I inhaled softly as the tickle of his breath started to rouse the swirls in my head. His soft lips pressed against mine, and he kept them there long enough for my head to fill with the whirling sensation before he pulled away. I kept my eyes closed and breathed the slightest audible moan, unaware that I’d released the sound.

Before I could open my eyes, he was there again, finding me, but with much more energy and need. I returned the enthusiasm, wrapping my arms around his neck, pulling him closer. He lowered himself over me, on top of the blankets, continuing to find my urgent lips. He kissed down the slope of my neck, and I arched to meet him. My body was so caught up in the intoxicating warmth and hunger that I couldn’t think. I could only respond to the pulsing that pulled me to him.

My breath escaped in gasps as he slipped under the covers, and I could feel him so much closer. I tasted the salt along his neck, my lips finding the spot below his ear. His breath accelerated, and he pushed harder against me, sliding his hand under the back of my tank top. A sobering shock tried to wake me when his tensed body pressed into me, warning me to slow down.

Drew ran his other hand along the back of my thigh and stopped under my knee, hitching it around him. The excited warmth racing through me collided with the sobering alarm going off in my head. I pulled away and took a breath, trying to listen. He held himself over me, looking down in attempt to understand my withdrawal. He leaned in to kiss me again, but I turned my head.

“Need a minute,” I explained.

“Yeah,” he sighed, pushing off me and sitting on the edge of the bed.

He turned toward me and asked, “Do you want me to leave?” His green eyes searched mine eagerly. I grinned and shook my head.

I interrupted him as he was about to pull back the blanket, “But you should.” He nodded slowly, his eyes sinking with disappointment.

“Goodnight,” he offered, leaning forward to kiss me.

“I think you did that already,” I replied with a grin, stopping him before he got too close. “Goodnight.”

Drew slowly stood and went to the door. He looked back at me one final time, hesitating long enough for me to consider changing my mind, before he closed it behind him.

Waiting for my pulsing body to recover, I couldn’t even think about sleeping.

Just as I was falling asleep, a thud on the door stirred me. Sara was adamantly saying good night presumably to the local guy she just met. I wanted to slink under the covers when I heard her sliding against the door with heavy breaths and moans. After a few more low thuds, Sara finally entered with a promise to call him. I had my back to her and feigned sleep. I’d heard enough of the details of her night and really didn’t want to talk about mine, so I didn’t respond when she asked if I was awake. Eventually, sleep found me.

~~~~~

In the early hours of the morning, I was confronted with the same images of Evan on the cliff. This time I saw his face before I fell, and he looked so angry. I pleaded with him as he drifted away.

“Em?” Sara groaned half asleep. “Are you crying?”

The room was dark, with daylight hidden behind custom blinds. I lay in the bed, my enlarged eyes frantically searching around the unfamiliar room. The tears slid along my temples, and sweat pasted the sheet to my body. I eased up to sit, my heartbeat slowing to its intended pace.

“You called out his name,” Sara stated, rolling onto her side to look at me.

“Who’s name?”

“Evan’s.”

The sadness of the dream returned to me. I wiped the tears from my face.

“You miss him, don’t you?”

I didn’t say anything.

“You could always call him, you know.”

I shook my head. “No I can’t,” I whispered. I got out of bed and entered the bathroom, closing the door behind me.