Reason to Breathe

31. Noticed





I begged the week to go by quickly or for someone to do something more catastrophic and humiliating so Evan, Drew and I would be dropped from the headlines. Then Katie returned to school, and I wished I hadn’t thought that. Everyone stared, whispered and pointed, avoiding her like she carried a contagion.


I knew pity wasn’t what she needed, but I didn’t know what else to offer. If my secret were released to the masses, I’d want to drop off the planet. So, whether it was the right decision or not, I left her alone. I didn’t avoid her, but I didn’t go out of my way to make her feel better either. My ambivalence could’ve been considered cowardice. Yes, it probably was. I found Katie crying in the girls’ room on Friday, and slipped out before she knew I was there.

“Things are going to change around here,” the foreboding voice yanked me back from my thoughts.

I stood in the hallway motionless, with my backpack over my shoulder and duffle bag in my hand. I had just returned from my weekend in New York with Evan and Sara. Carol met me with a hardened glare. I hadn’t heard her hateful voice in so long; I’d forgotten how debilitating it could be.

“No more Friday nights at the McKinley’s. You got away with it for too long and sleazed out of your responsibilities too often. You’re not getting away with your shit anymore. You should be shoved in a box, but…”

My pulse quickened in anticipation of what she’d say next.

“…your uncle seems to think it would help with the tension in the house if we had one day to ourselves. It’s not worth arguing over. You are never worth arguing over. So, tell Sara she can pick you up at noon on Saturday’s, however you will be in this house by nine o’clock on Sunday morning.

“But, not this weekend. You’re staying here to rake my backyard and my mother’s on Sunday. Speaking of Sundays…”

Please don’t say it.

“… you’ll only be allowed to go to the library, nowhere else. If I find out that you’re anywhere other than where you say you are, you will be living in a box until you graduate.” My stomach twisted. I remained frozen, hoping she’d slither away without leaving a mark. Not so lucky.

“Am I making myself clear?” she growled, grabbing my ear, making me twist my head to follow the tugging.

“Yes,” I whimpered, straining my neck.

I stood in the hall with my hand over my throbbing ear, watching my freedom disappear with her. I threw my bags on my bed upon entering my room and began pacing furiously. Why was she doing this to me? Why couldn’t she have left me alone like she had for the past three months? What was the sudden interest in where I was? She hated me. Why would she want me home?

My chest tightened as I fumed at the thought of having to be with her all weekend. And knowing that I wasn’t going to see Evan this weekend was more upsetting than spending it with her. Well… maybe not.





Unbeknownst to me, Evan and Sara decided to split my pickups and drop offs, so I wasn’t expecting to see his BMW waiting for me when I walked down the driveway on Monday morning. But I was too distracted by next weekend’s impending doom to be as thrilled as I should’ve been.

“Good morning,” he greeted warmly when I closed the door.

“Hi,” I responded, unable to smile in return.

“Are you ever in a good mood in the morning?”

“What?” His question distracted me from my brooding thoughts. “Oh, sorry. I’m just angry with my aunt right now.”

“What happened?” His voice was heavy with concern, more than it needed to be.

“Nothing that bad,” I assured, trying to put him at ease. “She’s making me stay home this weekend, and I’m pissed. Sorry; I don’t mean to be miserable.”

“Are you going to the library on Sunday?”

“No, I’m going to her mother’s to rake her yard,” I grumbled.

“So…” he said without needing to say any more.

“Yeah,” I sighed. “I’m trying to figure out when we’ll be able to see each other.”

“There’s always next weekend,” he consoled.

“You’re giving up that easy?” I shot back, questioning his resolve.

“No,” Evan replied with a light laugh. “But what other choice do we have, besides you sneaking out of your house?”

A flash of cold nerves streaked through my stomach at the thought of trying to climb out of my window without being heard. But then I was overcome with a spike of adrenaline. Could I really do this?

“That may be an option.”

Evan shot me a sideways glance. “You want to sneak out of your house?” he confirmed in astonishment.

“I can do this,” I declared out loud, trying to convince myself more than Evan.

The repercussions of getting caught sent a wave of nausea through me, but the thrill of getting away with it convinced me that it was worth it. I wasn’t going to allow her to control my life any longer. It was more important for me to try, than to not have the chance at all. Where had I heard that before?





“You are insane!” Sara exclaimed, when I told her what I was planning to do. “If you get caught, we will never see you again!”

“But Sara,” I argued, “aren’t you the one who said that it was better to try and fail, than to never have the experience?”

“That’s not quite what I said,” she corrected. “Em, this is so much different than having a date with a guy I may never see again. You could lose everything.”

I looked down at my uneaten lunch, understanding her concern. If I were the same person I’d been six months ago, we’d never be having this conversation. Too much had happened, and I wasn’t ready to go back.

“Sara,” I explained lowly, “what do I really have? If it weren’t for you and Evan, I wouldn’t even exist, or I might as well not exist. I need more than school and sports to keep me wanting to move forward. I can’t be that person anymore, not now that I know the difference.”

Sara sat silently, breaking off pieces of her cookie without eating them.

“Are you sure there isn’t a way for you to move out of their house?” she finally questioned. “If you get caught…” She couldn’t look me in the eye.

“I won’t get caught,” I assured her. We sat in silence for a moment, picking at our food.

“Are you going to the award ceremony tomorrow night?” Sara asked, changing the subject.

“I put it on the calendar, and they didn’t say anything, so I think so.”

“Are you staying at school, or should my parents and I pick you up at your house?”

“I’ll probably stay here. I have to work on the newspaper and my History paper, so there’s no point in going home.” There was never a point in going home, but it was unavoidable, no matter how much I delayed the return. I didn’t have any other choice.

~~~~~

“Congratulations,” she offered as Sara and I walked into the cool spring evening.

I approached her but not with the shock of our first encounter. I wasn’t surprised to see her, but I was surprised by her sobriety. My mother appeared uncomfortably nervous standing on the sidewalk. She had her hands in her jacket pockets, glancing from the ground to my face, awaiting my reaction.

Sara didn’t continue to the parking lot but waited a short distance away to give us room to talk. I walked closer to the frail woman who I barely resembled except for her dark brown hair and the almond shape of her eyes.

“I am so proud of you,” she said gently, glancing up at me. “Captain next year, that’s great, Emily.”

“Co-captain,” I corrected. She smiled lightly as she held my gaze with her sparkling eyes.

“I saw you play.” She smiled bigger.

“I know,” I answered quietly. “I heard you yelling in the stands.” My mother’s bellows were unmistakable since she was the only one yelling “Emily” amongst the cheering crowd.

“I’ve decided to stop drinking,” she declared proudly. “I haven’t had anything to drink since December.” I could only nod, uncertain if I believed her words. I had no proof of the alleged truth other than her current condition.

“I got a new job too,” she continued. “I’m an executive assistant at an engineering firm a couple towns over.”

“You moved to Connecticut?” I questioned, shocked by this revelation.

“I wanted to be closer to you,” she told me with an eager expression. “I was hoping we could see each other… if you wanted to.”

My shoulders pulled back at this request. “We’ll see,” I replied, unable to commit. She nodded with her shoulder slumped in disappointment.

“I understand,” she whispered, looking at the ground. “Are you okay?” She looked up at me again, searching for more than the three words asked.

“I’m okay,” I assured her with a tight smile. Her concerned eyes didn’t release their scrutiny.

“Would you mind if I went to some of your track meets? I know they’re usually during the week, but if you have a weekend meet, would it be all right?”

I shrugged. “If you want.” I really wanted to tell her not to come - that I preferred not to see her again. But I couldn’t look into her desperate eyes and reject her so blatantly.

“I need to go,” I told her, nodding towards Sara.

“Hi.” My mother acknowledged Sara with her charming smile. “I’m Emily’s mother, Rachel.”

“Hi,” Sara responded with a kind smile of her own. “I’m Sara. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Well, you girls be careful driving home,” she told us. My eyebrows pulled together in reaction to her words. The concern sounded strange coming from her mouth.

“I’m so proud of you, baby,” my mother offered with welling eyes. I couldn’t stand to see the sentiment - it contradicted everything I knew of her. She was the one who didn’t want me. Why should she care now?

“Thanks,” I said and quickly turned away, striding toward Sara’s car. Sara was a few quick steps behind me, not expecting my sudden departure.

“Are you all right?” she asked when we neared her car. “Did she say something wrong that I missed?”

“Everything she said was wrong,” I declared, slipping into the passenger seat stiffly.

Sara studied me carefully before pulling out of the spot. I knew she wanted to understand, but she couldn’t find the words to ask me to explain. So I didn’t.

“Do you want to come over to my house for a little while, or do you think they’re expecting you home?” Sara asked. “My parents left from here to go to a dinner for my dad’s company, so they won’t be home.”

“I should go home,” I decided quietly, looking out the window. “She’s acting strange again, and I don’t need her saying anything to me tonight. I don’t think I could let her get away with it.”

I ignored Sara’s shocked expression and continued to stare out the window.

~~~~~

“So what’s the plan?” Evan asked during our walk to the Art room.

“There’s a park a few streets away from my house,” I explained, having dwelled on the details all week. “Meet me there at ten o’clock.”

“Will they be in bed by then?” I heard the unease in his voice.

“No, but if we wait that long it will be so late.” I exhaled slowly, recognizing the risk of trying to slip out with them in the next room watching television. But I also knew that they never came into my room at night, so I was fairly confident they wouldn’t check on me while I was gone. “It’ll be fine.”

“We don’t have to do this,” Evan offered.

“Are you backing out?”

“No,” he said quickly. “I just don’t want you to get in trouble.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I assured with forced confidence.

“Okay.” He released a heavy breath before kissing me on the top of my head.





With a promise of texting Sara on Sunday as proof that I still existed, I exited her car to begin my gut wrenching weekend with Carol. The only thing that kept me from festering in fury was the thought of sneaking out to see Evan the next night.

I spent Saturday in the yard raking while the kids jumped in the piles of leaves. Carol was nowhere to be seen, so being outside, surrounded by their laughter actually made the day enjoyable. George arrived home soon after I was done bagging the last pile. For such a small yard, it was astonishing how many leaves sat under the snow all winter. While I was out there, I moved the trash cans on the side of the house so I had a clear spot to drop from under my window. I figured I could use the metal trash can to climb back through the window when I returned, as long as I remembered to stand on the rims of the can. I was also concerned about moving the heavy can without it making noise. My stomach turned just thinking about it. Of course we were the only family in America who still owned metal trash cans – just my luck.

I had no appetite for dinner. I forced each bite of the lasagna into my mouth. It wasn’t horrible since it was one of the few dishes Carol could handle without disastrous results. Not wanting to draw any unnecessary attention, I finished the food on my plate. I gently pulled down my sleeve, reminded of what Carol’s attention felt like.

Was it possible that I’d forgotten what she was capable of? The enflamed skin along my forearm was a brand, a reminder of her seething affection. Carol played off my contact with the searing lasagna pan as an accident, but I saw her eyes dance when I jumped back with a quick, pained inhale. Did I really dare to test the limits of her loathing by sneaking out my window?

My stomach turned anxiously as I stared at the painted sky while washing dishes. I only had a few more hours to decide if I was capable of doing this. I thought of Evan and whether I could disappoint him. I knew he’d understand if I backed out. Then I thought of how disappointed I would be, and whether I could live with that. I absently rinsed the dishes and placed them in the dishwasher, the movement of my shirt irritating the raw bubbling skin.

I slipped into my room after taking out the trash, checking the can placement once again. I considered burying myself in homework to persuade time to pass quickly. But I knew I wouldn’t be able to concentrate.

I opted to lie on my bed and drown my nausea with music – it didn’t help. A thousand incoherent thoughts raced through my head as I stared at the ceiling. I’d start to visualize my escape route and then get worked up about the potential disasters. Could I drop the distance from the window to the ground without making a sound? Would one of the neighbors see me and say something? What would I say if they discovered I was missing or caught me outside? My stomach turned and my palms dampened.

I picked up my phone to text Evan that I wasn’t going to meet him. I had the words displayed on the screen and started pulling at my lower lip. Could I do this? I wanted to see him so much. I couldn’t force myself to hit Send. I dug my teeth into my lip and hit Cancel. I still had an hour and a half to decide.

The seconds ticked away like minutes – I couldn’t keep still. I tapped my foot rapidly in the air, contemplating my choices. Should I give in to what I wanted to do or to what I should do? But why shouldn’t I get to see Evan? Why was I letting them decide what was right for me? It’s not like I was sneaking off to get drunk or get into any real trouble. They never had to know. I swallowed hard and bit my lip again.

The last forty-five minutes were the worst. I thought the heat in my stomach was going to burn through my skin. I shut off the music and listened to the low talking coming from the TV through the wall. Eventually, I slid off my bed and walked breathlessly to my closet with deliberate steps. I removed the stuffed duffle bag from the closet, placed it on my bed, and folded my comforter over it. I knew it didn’t look much like a body, but I couldn’t bear the thought of having my bed completely flat in my absence.

I examined the façade for a minute, almost panting with anxiety. I ran through the plan in my head one more time and inhaled quickly, biting my lip. Should I leave the window open or will the cool air be noticed if they walked by my door to go to the bathroom? How would I close it? I’d have to stand on a trash can. I clenched my teeth and held my breath in agony just thinking about moving it while they were a window away. I removed the phone from my pocket and lingered over the buttons ready to cancel once again.

Didn’t George just throw away an empty milk crate that used to have paint cans in it? That would be high enough for me to reach the window to close it. I put the phone back in my pocket. I shut off my light with twenty minutes left to wait. I sat on the floor with my knees drawn into me, staring up at the window. I watched the stars blink through our neighbor’s swaying trees, allowing the last few minutes to tick away. I could do this - I had to believe that. I took a breath to calm the pounding in my chest.

My hands shook as I placed my thumb and finger under the ridge of the wooden frame along the cold pane of glass. I held my breath, giving it a forceful, but restrained, push. The frame gave way slightly, and the first gust of cool spring air blew against my legs. I stopped to listen, with my pulse beating in my ears. I could faintly hear the voices from the TV continuing to play in the background but couldn’t sense any movement.

I held my breath again and pushed the window up further. I continued inching it up until it was completely open. With my heartbeat in my throat, I slid a leg out the window and laid my chest forward to slide my other leg through. I held on to the wooden frame to drop to the ground. I nearly yelled out when I felt the hands around my waist.

“Shhh,” he whispered in my ear, lowering me to the ground. I leaned my back against the house, afraid I was going to collapse from heart failure. I stared up at Evan with huge eyes, my hands covering my frantic heart.

“Sorry,” he whispered. I covered his mouth, silently begging him not to make any noise.

I searched around for the milk crate. It was difficult to find in the small dark path between the house and the fence, but I finally located the square shape along the fence and placed it under the window. Evan realized what I was doing and touched my arm to indicate that he’d do it. He stood on the crate to lower the window. I pressed my lips together, barely breathing as I watched him ease it into place.

He grabbed my hand after he stepped down, and we slowly made our way along the side of the house until we reached the corner. I heard the television through the closed window above our heads and stiffened. Evan nodded his head, encouraging me to follow him. I hugged the front of the house, under the large glowing glass that peered into the living room. I knew how close they were and held my breath.

Just then, a flood light lit up across the street, exposing us in the shadows of the house. Evan grabbed my arm and pulled me against him in the dark corner that connected with the wall of the front foyer. I heard his quickened breath, or maybe it was mine. I bit my lip, inhaling quickly when Carol peeked through the curtain to investigate. She let the curtain fall, uninterested when she saw the neighbor getting into his car.

Evan released me when the car drove down the street, out of sight. I let out a small burst of air. He smiled. I widened my eyes, shocked by his reaction. He pushed his lips together to keep from laughing. I hit his arm in frustration.

Evan grabbed my hand again and rushed across the front yard. We jogged past a few houses before slowing to a walk. I jumped when I heard his voice.

“You thought we were going to get caught, didn’t you?”

“No,” I snapped. “But I can’t believe you thought that was funny.”

“I wouldn’t say it was funny,” he stated. “Well… maybe it was. I’ve never had to sneak out before so I did find it… entertaining.”

I was still trying to convince myself that I’d made it out safely. I wasn’t as amused. Evan put his arm around my shoulder, pulling me toward him. I looked up at his calm grinning face and my anxiety melted away. I released a small smile and leaned my head onto his shoulder.





“It’s been too long since you’ve been exposed to something new,” Evan noted, sitting across from me on the top of the twisted climbing structure in the park.

“This was something new. I’ve never snuck out before. I guess your bad influence over me hasn’t changed.”

The whites of Evan’s teeth reflected in the subtle light.

“I still can’t believe you snuck out of your house,” he said with a chuckle.

“What other choice did I have?” I defended, still not as amused as Evan.

“You didn’t have to see me.”

“Yes I did.”

He leaned forward to kiss me, and my heart skipped in anticipation of the touch of his lips. I leaned in to meet him. Before I could reach him, my legs slipped through the hole that they were dangling in. I fell to the ground, landing on my feet with a thud. I groaned in frustration.

“Are you okay?” Evan smiled, looking down at me.

“Yes,” I huffed. He slid down, landing in front of me. Still grinning, he put his arms around my waist and playfully rocked my hips from side to side.

“That was pretty funny.” He casually bent down to kiss me.

“Great,” I grunted, turning my head away. It was impossible to remain frustrated with his teasing when I felt the warmth of his kiss on my neck. I inhaled as he pulled me closer, and I wrapped my hands around the backs of his firm arms.

The fluttering rushed from my stomach and through my head as I turned to intercept his lips. They delicately slid across mine, inching with a slow sensual pace, causing a warmth to spread through my chest. I slid my arms around to grip his back and pulled myself closer. His hands ran into my hair as his pace quickened with my breath. When he slipped away, I kept my eyes closed, resting my head against him while still holding him tightly. His chest moved beneath me as he attempted to catch his breath.





“What should we do next Sunday?” I asked, releasing my grasp and jogging over to the swings. My sudden departure must have caught him off guard, because he wasn’t behind me when I turned around to sit on the plastic seat.

“Um…” he considered, walking toward me. “Let me think about it.” Evan sat on the swing next to mine with a contemplative smirk.

“I wouldn’t mind going back to the batting cages,” I suggested. “But I’m sure you don’t want to do that since you play baseball all week.”

“I’ll come up with something,” he promised. “Speaking of going back, I think we’re good enough friends now for you to tell me who your first kiss was.”

My heart skipped a beat.

“You still want to know?” I questioned.

“He doesn’t go to our school, right?” Evan inquired, answering my question with his.

“No.” I shook my head. “I met him last summer, when I went to Maine with Sara. He doesn’t even know where I really live.”

“Nice,” he declared with a smile. “You’re first kiss is a guy who knows nothing about you.”

“Well, I didn’t lie about everything,” I defended.

“Poor guy.” Evan laughed. “But you just kissed him, right?” I recognized the concern wrapped in his question.

“You know that answer,” I replied. “But, what about you? I mean, I know you didn’t do anything with Haley, but you never said…”

I couldn’t come right out and directly ask him if he’d had sex. Did I really want to know? That question left me torn – part of me was curious, while the other couldn’t imagine him being with someone else.

Evan was quiet for a moment. I almost asked him not to answer – to forget I’d asked.

“She was my best friend in San Francisco,” he confessed before I could withdraw my question. My heart tightened, not prepared for his answer. “We were really great friends for over a year before deciding to date. We trusted each other, and it eventually happened last summer. But it was never the same after. We should have just stayed friends, and both of us knew it - but it was too late.”

“Beth?” I whispered, recalling him mentioning her the night I met his parents.

“Yes.”

“Oh,” I replied, looking down, unable to say anything else.

“Does that bother you?” he asked cautiously.

I shrugged. “I didn’t know you, and…” I hesitated. “I guess it’s still hard to think of you being with another girl.”

“I know,” he replied, relating to my discomfort. A twinge of guilt shot through me.

“Do you still care about her? I mean… did you see her when you went back?” The anticipation of his answer caused my stomach to knot up.

Evan stopped his subtle swaying on his swing and turned toward me with a calm, still face.

“I’ve never felt like I do for you… for anyone,” he vowed. “Beth and I were friends. I cared about her, but I didn’t… It’s not even remotely the same.”

I swallowed hard, unable to speak.

“She moved to Japan with her family in December, so no, I didn’t see her.” The silence that followed was more uncomfortable than I could bear.

“I have an idea,” I declared a little too loudly, as I shot out of my swing. Evan sat up straight in response to my sudden burst of energy.

“Is your car parked here?” I asked, looking toward the street that ran along the park.

“Yeah, it’s over there.” He pointed to the silhouette of the sports car.

“Do you have a blanket or something?”

“I have a sleeping bag in the trunk,” he offered suspiciously.

“Can you please get it?” I requested with a smirk. Without inquiring further, Evan ran to get the sleeping bag.

I took it from him and walked to the outfield of the baseball field to open it on the ground. Evan watched curiously.

“I know you’re going to think this is strange. Sara and I used to do this all the time, and I love doing it, especially when the stars are so bright.”

I stood a few steps away from the sleeping bag and looked up at the sky.

“You focus on a single star,” I explained, as I searched for my spot. “Then you spin around, staring at that one star, until you can’t stand anymore.” I started spinning to demonstrate. “Then you lie down to watch the stars spinning above you while your star remains still.”

I stopped, catching my step, searching for Evan. He observed my demonstration with an amused smirk.

“You don’t want to try?”

“No, but you can go ahead,” he encouraged with a small laugh. He sat down on the sprawled sleeping back to witness my ridiculousness. After spinning, I lay next to him to watch the stars circling above me.

“You’re missing out,” I told him, as the earth swayed beneath my still body. He laughed.

My view of the streaking lights became obstructed when he leaned over me. The earth remained whirling beneath me, but it had nothing to do with spinning in circles.





I walked along my dark street, having left Evan a few houses back. The grin on my face felt permanent. The buzz still lingered from our night in the park. I slowly looked around, recognizing I was only a house away from mine. I took a deep breath in attempt to sober up.

The dark windows reduced the fear of being detected as I crept along the shadows to the side of the house where the trash cans awaited me. I held my breath and grabbed the handles on either side of the metal cylinder, lifting it with more force than was necessary. The empty can gave way easily, causing me to stumble backwards.

I recovered before bumping into the bags full of leaves set along the fence. I gently placed it under my window and used the milk crate to step on top of the can. In my post-Evan delirium, I neglected to place my feet on the edges - the metal lid popped under my weight. The deep echo rang loudly in the night. I tensed, holding on to the window sill, listening.

After a prolonged ear numbing silence, I pushed the window up. My heart stopped. It wouldn’t move. I swallowed. My stomach was in my throat. I pushed it again as hard as I could. I nearly fell from the can when the window gave way and slid up. I grabbed the ledge to steady myself. With my hands on the windowsill, I lifted myself and tilted head first through the open window. I walked my hands along the floor then slowly lowered each leg from the sill.

I lay on the floor of my room, panting in relief. After a moment of listening for a stir upstairs, I moved to close the window. I removed the duffle bag from my bed and set it gently on the floor of my closet. I hung my coat on the back of the chair at the desk and slipped my shoes off. I crawled onto the bed, sinking into the mattress with an exhausted sigh and a smile, easily drifting to sleep.

~~~~~

“Let’s go,” Carol declared loudly.

I shot up in my bed, dazed and disoriented.

“Did you sleep in your clothes?” she observed.

It took a moment to fight through the lingering sleep to realize that she was standing at the end of my bed with the door open behind her. I lifted the comforter to examine my attire.

“Oh, uh,” I stumbled. “I must have fallen asleep reading.”

She eyed me suspiciously and glanced around my room. I held my breath, fearing she saw through my lie.

“Well, you missed out on your shower,” she announced. “We’re leaving in ten minutes. You’d better be ready.” She walked out of my room, closing the door behind her. I sat in my bed for half a minute, releasing the pressure in my lungs. Then I recalled my night with Evan, and the smile resurfaced on my face.