Reason to Breathe

29. Flutter





“Still not doing a very good job fading,” his voice said from behind me.


The paintbrush froze in my hand mid-stroke and started shaking. My heart stopped in my chest. I didn’t know if I could turn around to face him.

I forced my legs to swing around to the other side of the stool.

“Hi.” He smiled. My heart released a brief flutter.

“Hi,” I whispered, forcing myself to breathe.

“When you weren’t in the caf, I figured you’d either be here or the Journalism room.”

I could only nod, searching for my voice.

“What are you doing here?” I forced the words from my mouth. My question was barely audible since I still wasn’t breathing properly.

“Looking for you,” he answered with his familiar grin. My heart picked up its pace, filling my cheeks with a rush of color. All I could do was stare into his blue eyes, afraid that if I looked away, he’d be gone. Please convince me I wasn’t hallucinating.

“Sorry to hear that the basketball team lost in the semi’s,” he offered casually. He’s talking about basketball? I definitely wasn’t hallucinating.

“Thanks,” I said, forcing my lips to resemble a smile. Come on brain, don’t fail me now – say something!

“Not sure what to say, huh?” He smirked, amused by my inability to form a cohesive sentence.

“I’m glad I can…” I threw my hands in the air, forgetting that I had a paintbrush in my grasp, the green paint flung across his grey t-shirt. He looked down at the streak with wide eyes. I held my breath, pressing my lips together. A stifled laugh escaped from behind my pursed lips. Then I started laughing harder.

“That’s funny, huh?” I bit my lower lip, still smiling. “Let’s see if you think this funny.” He leaned over my table and rubbed blue paint on his hands. Realizing his intention, I jumped off the stool to escape retaliation.

“Evan, don’t,” I pleaded.

I rounded the corner toward the dark room when he caught me around the waist, leaving blue hand prints on my shirt. When he grabbed me, he didn’t let go. Evan turned me to face him. Still smiling, I connected with his blue eyes, unaware he was pulling me closer. Just before I registered what was happening, my heart ignited, fluttering franticly. My head swirled in a rush. He placed his damp hand on my cheek and leaned down toward me.

A paralyzing charge flashed through my body when his firm lips touched mine. I inhaled his clean scent, allowing the tingling to run through my head. When he slowly pulled away, his eyes searched mine cautiously. I blinked through the buzz, trying to steady myself.

“Emma?” Ms. Mier’s voice rang from around the corner.

Evan raised his eyebrows in surprise then slipped by me, toward the dark room. I attempted to sober up before responding.

“Hi, Ms. Mier,” my voice cracked, stepping around the corner to meet her. My face was hot with embarrassment.

“Oh, hi,” she said with a smile of surprise. With the smile still lingering, she gathered some papers from her desk. “I needed to get a few things. Could you please lock up when you leave today?”

“Sure,” I agreed quickly.

She smiled wider.

“That’s a good color on you,” she acknowledged.

My face grew even hotter, if that was possible. I looked down at the hand prints on my white shirt.

“No, the red I mean.”

My eyes widened. I watched her walk to the door and turn the lock.

Before closing the door behind her, she glanced at me and said, “Tell Mr. Mathews I said welcome back.”

I nearly fell over. I stood there for a moment, uncertain what to do next. I decided not to think about it anymore and to do what I should have done three months ago.

I walked into the dark room. Evan was drying his hands next to the sink. I closed the door behind me and leaned against it, unable to move. He threw the paper towel in the basket and looked up, hesitating for a second.

My chest moved with an exaggerated breath. My heart beat frantically against my shirt. He read exactly what I wanted him to in my widened eyes and stepped toward me. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he pulled me into him. I stood on my toes, extending myself to find him. He held me closer as his lips parted, and I felt the warmth of his breath. My heart released a surge that caught my breath when I felt his soft tongue. His lips were firm but gentle, pressed against mine in a slow, breathless rhythm. Tiny sparks flew through my head and down my spine - my legs trembled beneath me.

I lowered my head to his chest before my legs gave out. He kept his arms wrapped around me, resting his chin on the top of my head, while I listened to his accelerated heartbeat and deep breaths. I wiped an escaped tear from my eye, trying to remember how to breathe.

“That was worth waiting for,” he whispered and then added with sarcasm, “Missed me, huh?”

I looked up at his perfect smile and replied with a smirk, “I survived.”

“I heard.”

I pulled away and eyed him suspiciously.

“I still have friends here.” He shrugged. Just then, the bell rang, declaring the end of the school day. “What do you want to do? Do you have to go home?”

“I’m actually staying over at Sara’s tonight.”

“You are?” Evan confirmed, raising his eyebrows with a deliberate grin. “Do you think Sara will mind if I kidnap you for a couple of hours?” He casually leaned against the doorway, as I went to the sink to scrub his handprint from my face.

My heart stuttered.

“Um, I think she’ll be fine,” I replied, turning to face him. “What are you thinking?”

“We have to talk. I mean, I couldn’t have asked for a better way to be welcomed back, but I have some things I need to say before there are any more misunderstandings.”

I winced. Couldn’t we have left it at the perfect welcome? My stomach twisted, fearful of what he needed to say. I could only imagine; although it couldn’t be worse than what I’d been saying to myself since he left.

“So, you’re back?” I confirmed cautiously.





“Yeah,” he grinned. “We’ll talk about it.”

“Great,” I huffed, zipping my sweatshirt to conceal the blue hand prints and smear of green paint.

Evan laughed. “Don’t be so nervous. I’m here, right?” He grabbed my hand, the warmth from his touch spread up my arm.

The halls were sparsely occupied, since most people had already left. The shocked eyes of those remaining followed us as we traced the familiar route to my locker.

“Mathews!” a few guys yelled out in recognition. Evan nodded in acknowledgment, continuing to walk beside me. I think I was as shocked as everyone else to see him next to me. His firm grasp of my hand was the only thing keeping me from believing that I was dreaming the entire thing.

“So, he found you,” Sara observed when we neared our lockers. “I was getting concerned that you threw each other out the window or something - but I can see that didn’t happen.” She eyed our interlocked hands with a small smile.

“We’re going…” I started. “Where are we going?” I looked to Evan for the answer.

“We need to talk,” he explained. “So, can I bring her back to your house in a couple of hours?”

“My parents are going out again. You can stay and hang out with us tonight if you want. That is if you don’t say anything that’s going to devastate her more than she’s already been for the past three months.”

Evan’s shoulders shot back as he received the blow. I stared at Sara with my mouth open, shaking my head in disbelief.

“What?!” she shot back. “I’m just saying…”

“Enough,” I finished, “more than enough!”

I glanced at Evan; he looked pale. I turned to my locker to gather my books before he could see the truth of her words on my face.

“I’ll see you later then?” Sara confirmed in her pleasant voice.

“Sure,” I replied dismissively, still in shock from her honesty.

Sara walked down the hall, leaving Evan and I alone.

“What did she mean by that?” Evan asked slowly.

“She’s just being ridiculous.” I wanted him to dismiss her words, but they lingered uncomfortably.

“Huh,” he exhaled. “I guess it wasn’t any better for you here.”

I didn’t understand what he meant and looked to him for translation.

“We’ll talk about it,” he assured me. “Ready?”

“Sure,” I said, closing my locker, his assurance filling me with dread.

Evan took my hand again and escorted me to his car. I didn’t say much during the ride, too consumed with the pending “talk”. I wasn’t completely surprised when we pulled into his empty driveway. I couldn’t think of another place to give us the privacy we needed for our confessional.

I turned to him in the car before he opened his door.

“Can’t I just enjoy that you’re here for one day before we make it uncomfortable?”

Evan found my plea amusing. Of course he did.

“I need to do this. I’ve had three months to obsess over this conversation, so I need to say what I have to say.” He flashed a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry; it’ll be better once we talk.”

I wasn’t convinced.

I followed him into his house. I was confused when he kept walking down the hall and up the stairs to his room. I hesitated before entering his bedroom. Evan stood at the end of his neatly made bed, waiting for me.

“I wanted you to see that I’m really here.”

I glanced around the room and noticed the shelves were full of books and other personal belongings. I didn’t see any taped boxes.

“I’m completely unpacked.”

With that, Evan walked out of the room. I continued to follow him through the house and into the barn. My stomach was tangled in nerves when I sat down to face him on the couch. I slid my shoes off and leaned back against the arm of the couch, resting my chin on my knees. I hugged my knees to my chest, prepared for whatever it was we had to talk about.

“What I have to say goes beyond the three months I was gone,” he began, playing with the seam of the cushion nervously. “I should have said something the month we weren’t talkng before I left.” He hesitated and then focused on my eyes. He let out a breath and pressed his lips together. I waited anxiously, barely breathing.

“I love you.”

My heart pounded loudly, having never been told those three words.

“I didn’t handle things right. I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you like that, and I’m sorry. I said some things I didn’t mean, and I pushed you away. I practically hand delivered you to Drew Carson, which killed me.”

I opened my mouth to disagree, but he continued before I could get a word out.

“I know I did, Emma. Don’t feel bad about it. But what was worse than that was when I was waiting in the hospital, not knowing. I can’t get the image of you motionless on the gym floor out of my head.”

I shifted my gaze, unable to look into his pained eyes. I mindlessly picked at my jeans with shaking hands.

“It was the worst moment of my life. And then when you wouldn’t see me…” Evan paused to take another breath. I glanced up at him, watching him run his finger along the seam of the couch again. “I knew I’d really screwed up. If I couldn’t be there for you… if you didn’t want me to be there for you, then I couldn’t be here at all. So I left.

“But I couldn’t do it. I’d still talk to some of the guys, and you’d come up every once in a while when they talked about what happened over the weekend. They’d mention they saw you at a party or they’d talk about basketball. They knew we were close, so they’d bring you up – and I wanted to hear about you. Well… except for that one time.”

My eyes shot up and my stomach turned. He didn’t look at me.

“Are you over him?”

“Drew?” I confirmed in disbelief.

“Yeah.”

I released a brief humorless laugh, to his surprise. “Yeah, I’m completely over Drew.”

“Didn’t he end things with you?” Evan questioned, still perplexed.

“I let people think what they wanted,” I confessed, meeting Evan’s blue eyes. “Like someone else I know.”

He obviously didn’t understand what I meant.

“I ended things… well, actually you did,” I stated, thinking better of it. I knew Evan still wasn’t following. It was my turn to explain. “It became obvious I wasn’t over you.”

“So you didn’t…” Evan examined me cautiously, not knowing how to finish the sentence. My eyes widened in shock, knowing exactly what he was asking.

“Have sex with him?! No!” I declared, aghast with color rushing to my face.

“Sorry,” he said with a relieved smile. “I just heard…”

I sighed. “Yeah, along with the rest of the school. That was horrible.”

Evan let out a brief laugh.

“It’s great that you can still find humor in my social catastrophes,” I snapped.

“Sorry. I was just imagining your face when you found out what people thought you’d done,” he said with a chuckle. “It probably looked a lot like what I just saw, actually.”

He let out another quick laugh. I tried to force a scowl, but I was having a hard time keeping a straight face.

“He wasn’t your fault,” I said softly, suddenly more serious than I wanted to be. Evan quietly listened. “I was angry. I assumed things. I thought I saw more than there actually was between you and Haley…”

“I...” Evan started.

“I know,” I interrupted, “and I’m sorry for ever thinking you were interested in her. So much wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t… I thought you hated me.”

Evan’s eyes got wider, alarmed by my words.

“I thought I forced you away when you saw me with Drew. I thought you couldn’t stand to be near me,” I whispered, fiddling with my jeans again. “I hated what I’d done, and I was so furious with myself. I could only imagine what you must have felt. I’m so sorry.” I blinked away the tears welling in my eyes, recalling how my rage in the bathroom had continued internally since that day.

Evan slid down the couch, and drew my bent knees across his lap. He forced me to look into his reflective blue eyes.

“I didn’t hate you,” he stated softly. “I could never hate you.”

He leaned in and gently pressed his lips to mine. It took me a moment to find my breath after he pulled away.

“So what now?” I whispered.

“I’m here, with you… if you want me,” he offered with a soft smile. I shoved his arm. “What?! I just wanted to be sure.”

“Of course I want you,” I shot back.

Evan smiled.

“Then there’s just one more thing.” His tone became serious. “I know that you won’t tell me what happens at home. I was wrong to try to force you, and I was wrong about what I said to you. You are so much stronger than I ever thought you were. I get why it’s hard for you to talk about it. Sara told me that you don’t even talk to her about it most of the time. But I know…”

I was having a hard time listening to his words. Ice began to build up in my stomach. I wished he hadn’t brought it up.

“And even if you won’t, or can’t, tell me – I know. I do have to tell you that I can’t ever sit in a hospital waiting room again.”

“I fell –” I tried to explain.

“Don’t,” Evan urged. “I know. Without you or Sara telling me, I know. So, even if you can’t tell me the truth, don’t lie. Don’t defend them like it’s okay. Because it’s not. I won’t let them do that to you again. I’m just warning you, I’ll make you leave with me if I think that…”

“Evan,” I interrupted, “I’m okay. I promise. It’s been pretty tolerable since that day, actually. They barely even notice me anymore, and I get to spend the weekends at Sara’s. It used to be Saturday nights, but it’s evolved to Fridays as well. It’s not the same, so don’t talk like that. Okay?”

He didn’t respond.

“Okay?” I repeated, forcing him to look at me.

“Yeah,” he whispered.

I put my hand on his cheek, wanting him to believe me. He took my hand in his and kissed my palm, sending shivers up my arm.

“So we’re better?” I confirmed.

A warm smile spread across his face. “Yeah, we’re better.”

Evan leaned toward me again. This time, when he pressed his lips to mine, he stayed there. He slid me onto his lap as I put my arms around his neck. My heart convulsed in a flood of flutters, capturing my breath. His lips slowly slid against mine, parting in a gentle motion. I felt his hot breath against my lips, the flitter enraptured my head. I positioned my body to face him, straddling his legs. He pulled away and examined me with a smirk.

“What?!” I exclaimed, shocked by his withdrawal.

“It’s only my first day back.”

I bit my bottom lip with a guilty grin, color flooded my cheeks.

“Yeah,” I breathed, looking down. “Sorry.” I flipped my leg over and sat on the couch next to him again.

Evan laughed at my embarrassed retreat.

“Stop it,” I sulked, gently kicking his thigh with my foot. “I’ve waited for forever to kiss you.”

He laughed again. “You just surprised me, that’s all.” He continued to grin as he looked at his watch.

“We should get to Sara’s before she believes we did push each other out a window. That reminds me…”

“Don’t,” I begged, not wanting to reflect on Sara’s reference to my devastation. “Not now, okay?”

“Okay,” he agreed hesitantly, studying me more intently than I was comfortable with.

“What do you want to do tonight?” I asked with bright eyes, trying to deflect the serious moment. “A movie at Sara’s?”

“Are you going to fall asleep again?”

“Probably.”





I was asleep an hour into the movie. I didn’t remember falling asleep, with Evan laying behind me on the couch, his arm wrapped around my waist and my hand in his. I was actually convinced that I was going to make it through the entire drama when it started.

“I’m right here,” he whispered in confusion.

I shot up at the sound of his voice.

“Emma?”

I sat with my feet on the floor, gripping the cushion on either side of my legs with my heart racing. His hand gently brushed along my back.

“Are you okay?”

“You’re here?” I whispered in relief, squinting to look at him.

He examined my face in concern, gently wiping the tear from my cheek.

“Yeah, I’m here,” he soothed. A pained realization flashed across his face. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Still dazed from the abrupt arousal, I stared at him, uncertain if I was truly awake.

“Come here.” He pulled me down to lie on his chest, wrapping his warm arms around me as I drifted back to sleep.





I awoke the next morning in the same clothes as the night before. I sat up in a panic.

“Relax,” Sara urged from the bed next to me. “We’re going to see him tonight. I convinced him to go to a party with us.”

I lay back down with a relieved smile, her words confirming that I hadn’t been dreaming.

“I don’t remember going to bed,” I pondered.

“You had some help,” Sara explained with a grin. “I couldn’t wake you when I got home, so he carried you in here.”

My heart thrust to life as the image of Evan carrying me to bed flashed through my head.

“How was Maggie’s?” I asked Sara, rolling on my side to face her.

“Good,” Sara replied dismissively. “So… what happened? I’ve been waiting for you to wake up for a half hour. I was going to jump on your bed if you didn’t wake soon. Did he finally kiss you?”

“Sara!”

“Finally!” she concluded, not needing my confirmation. “How was it?”

“Stop it,” I insisted.

“That good, huh?”

“Would you stop assuming things without my answers,” I demanded with wide eyes.

“Are you going to answer?”

I smiled, deliberating if I could say it out loud.

“Stop beaming and give me details. You swore a million years ago that it never happened if you didn’t tell me.”

She got me there.

“Fine,” I conceded with a sigh, sitting up against the pillow and crossing my legs. “Yes, we kissed. Actually I think he kissed me before I completed a sentence.”

“No way!” Sara exclaimed. “And…”

“I don’t think I can find the right words to describe it,” I said pensively. “It was better than I could have ever thought possible.”

“Figures,” Sara stated with an exaggerated breath. “It only took you forever to give in to it. If you’d listened to me, you would have found out before the soccer season was over.”

“Thanks, Sara,” I shot back sarcastically, throwing a pillow at her.

“What was the talk about?” Sara inquired, determined to hear everything.

“Basically both of us taking blame for his leaving,” I replied. Then I continued to sum up the details, not wanting to think about the awkwardness of the conversation too much.

Sara laughed when I told her how I reacted when he asked about Drew - and what we didn’t do.

“What is it with the two of you, finding humor in my horror?”

“I guess we both know how you react in awkward situations, and it can be pretty funny. Sorry.” She smirked. “What’s going to happen now?”

“Well, we agreed that we’re okay, and he’s staying. We didn’t have the relationship conversation if that’s what you mean, and honestly, I don’t think that’s something I need to have with Evan.”

“Because he’s already told you he loves you, right?”

My face reddened as I suppressed a smile.

“Right,” she confirmed.

“So what did you say we were doing tonight?” I asked, interrupting her from answering her own questions.

“You and I are going shopping today,” she explained. I groaned. “Stop,. My mother’s given us both gift cards for the mall. I figured it was time you owned your own pink sweater.”

I grinned in agreement.

“And then we’re going to Alison Bartlett’s party. It’s supposed to be pretty big, just to warn you.”

“Great,” I grunted, but I was slightly comforted when she confirmed that Evan was picking us up so that we could all go together.





As Sara was contorting my hair into a loose curly knot at the base of my neck, I considered, “Sara, you haven’t mentioned an interest in anyone lately. What’s going on with you?”

“I don’t know,” she remarked with a sigh. “I’m tired of the games, I guess. I don’t think I’m going to find a guy in our school. That reminds me, we’re going to New York next weekend. We’re staying with my cousin at Rutgers and driving to Cornell for the day on Saturday. Coach called my parents about meetings for you. So, who knows, maybe I’ll meet a college guy!”

“We’re what?!” I choked.

“Sorry, I forgot to mention it. Your uncle thinks my parents are coming. They’re not, so don’t say anything to get caught in a lie.”

I gawked at her in disbelief.

Sara added with a heavy breath before I could even think it, “Don’t worry. Evan’s meeting us in the city Saturday night. I asked him last night.”

“I didn’t say anything,” I defended with a smile.

“You didn’t have to,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Em, I’m glad Evan’s back - you know that, right?”

“Yeah,” I replied cautiously, concerned by her tone.

“I want to make sure that you’re going to be okay if Carol and George find out.”

“I dated Drew without them finding out,” I stated, not understanding what she was worried about.

“That was different,” she tried to explain. “It’s harder for you to hide it when you’re with Evan. It’ll be obvious to anyone who sees you that there’s something going on with you – you’re glowing. So, I need to know that it’s going to be okay?”

Sara’s nervousness caused me to hesitate before answering. It was going to be okay, wasn’t it? I had to believe it would be.

“I hope so,” I answered honestly. “Sara, I listened to what you told me that time at Janet’s, about why you decided to go out with Jared, and I think I need to do the same thing. I’d rather be with Evan, knowing it may cause me some stress at home, than to never have this chance to be with him.”

“It’s different for you,” she responded, still concerned. “You’re risking a lot if Carol finds out.”

“I’ll survive,” I promised. She didn’t appear satisfied with my answer but remained silent.

“You’re not going to fight this and make it hard for me, are you?” I questioned.

“No,” she said with a warm smile. “I’m happy for you – honestly. So, let’s go. Let’s let everyone know Evan’s back and that you two are finally together.”

“Yay,” I groaned, as we walked down the stairs. “That’s exactly what I want tonight to be about.”