Reason to Breathe

25. Inevitable





I didn’t return home with George and Carol during the two weeks of intense recovery. I didn’t spend Christmas at home either. My only disappointment was not seeing the kids’ faces on Christmas morning. I had always loved writing the letter to Santa and setting out the cookies with them, and watching them open their presents. I wondered what they were told when they asked for me.


Staying with Janet was… quiet. She didn’t ask questions about what happened to me, or about anything at all for that matter. She gave me my space in her spare room, periodically checking on me to make sure I was comfortable and had plenty to eat and drink.

The first week was excruciating, and the slightest movement was debilitating. I relied upon the prescription pain pills to cope, which usually meant sleeping. As the second week crept by, the sharpness subsided, and the aching dwindled. My muscles were stiff from underuse, and my tailbone still reminded me of the impact whenever I’d sit - but at least I had some relief. I spent my days reading, sleeping and texting Sara.

Over the school break, I received daily texts from Sara checking in on me, then providing brief accounts of her day and updates on the basketball team. I missed seeing and talking with Sara despite our daily communication - it wasn’t the same. I finally got up the nerve to ask Janet if Sara could visit the Saturday before we returned to school. Janet didn’t even hesitate to say yes, so I probably could have asked her sooner. It was strange how unlike Carol she was.

Sara tentatively entered Janet’s small one-story house. She was not her usual overly exuberant self, although I could tell by the spark in her eye that she wanted to be. Janet found the need to go to the store soon after Sara arrived. I knew it was her way of giving us time alone to talk.

“It’s so great to see you!” Sara exclaimed, giving me a gentle hug. “You look good. So, do you feel better?”

“Yeah, I’m fine - just bored out of my mind.” I allowed a smile to relax on my face – it had been so long since I’d felt the tightness in my cheeks. “Tell me what’s been going on. I could only get so much from the abbreviated texts, and some of it I didn’t understand at all.”

Sara let out quick laugh. “Okay, so you know about basketball, right?”

“Yeah, I read about it in the paper too. That sucks about the two losses, but at least they won the other two.”

“They’re looking forward to having you back, especially Coach Stanley. I went skiing with my parents, Jill and Casey, but you knew that. What else?” Sara flicked her eyes toward the ceiling, thinking of other news she needed to catch me up on. “Oh, um, I guess Drew gave me flowers to give to you. But… I forgot them. Just make sure you thank him so he doesn’t know I failed.”

“Oh,” I said quickly. Having had this time alone, I had the opportunity to consider what was happening between Drew and me. It was a whirlwind relationship, and it was difficult to recall how we had gotten to the point where he’d want to give me flowers. I could have convinced myself that we were friends, except for the kissing part. I couldn’t get around that.

“He asks about you whenever I see him leaving practice. We haven’t had practices after them for a while, so the guys are gone by the time the volleyball team gets on the floor. But he waits for me just so that he can check on you.”

“That’s sweet,” I replied honestly. “I feel bad I haven’t been able to talk to him.”

“Are you still interested in him?” she inquired, doubt lining her voice.

I let out a guilty breath, avoiding Sara’s eyes.

“What?!”

“Something happened that I didn’t get to tell you because I got hurt,” I confessed. She raised her eyebrows, vehemently urging me to continue. I took a second to decide where to start. It was a scene that I’d been tormented with for the past two weeks - only second to the nightmares that made sleeping through the night impossible.

“Evan found out that Drew and I kissed.” I hesitated to allow her to react.

“I figured,” she replied with a slight shrug. “Everyone else in the school knows too.”

“Seriously?” I groaned

“His friends have big mouths. That’s something you really haven’t been a part of yet, huh?”

“What do you mean?”

“Gossip. Everyone knows what you’ve done before you do. I’ve heard enough about what I’ve supposedly done over the years – it’s so stupid. Funny thing is, they don’t know the half of it. Anyway, there was talk about you and Evan before, but since no one knew anything to keep the rumors going, the fascination died. But you and Drew are a big deal for some reason.”

My stomach turned. Hearing this only added to my guilt.

“That’s not something I needed to hear,” I sulked.

“Sorry. Why, what happened?”

“Evan and I were yelling at each other in the halls after he found out about Drew, and then I was yelling at him about Haley. He didn’t realize I knew about them, and he wanted to explain, but I wouldn’t let him. He shouted down the stairs that he still loved me, and I kept walking. To make it worse, he saw Drew kiss me after practice that night.”

“Wow, I missed all that?” Sara digested my story and shook her head. “That explains the tension in the waiting room, I guess.”

“What are you talking about?”

“When we were waiting for you in the hospital, Evan and Drew stayed on opposite sides of the room. Evan kept glaring at him, until Drew finally called him out on it.”

“Please don’t tell me this happened in front of everyone?” I sunk into the couch and put my head against the floral printed cushion, looking up at the ceiling.

“Sorry,” she cringed. “The guys didn’t say anything specifically about you - it was more that Drew was fed up with Evan’s unwarranted hostility, and it gave Evan the chance to get in his face.”

I groaned. This was difficult for me to imagine. Neither guy seemed the type to pick a fight. I knew Evan was mad at me, and unfortunately Drew was the conscious one he could yell at.

“So, what are you thinking?” Sara asked, examining my guilt ridden face.

“I feel horrible about Evan seeing Drew kiss me, especially after what happened right before that. But I was just so angry at him for trying to hide the fact that he was doing the same thing with Haley.”

“What do you mean? He and Haley aren’t seeing each other.” Sara sounded so sure of her words. My heart skipped a beat.

“Sara, I saw them at the bon fire,” I stated adamantly. “Evan had his arm around her. That’s when I walked away with Drew, remember?”

“Em, you were on the other side of the fire. I was near Evan and he did not have his arm around Haley. She came over to him, said something stupid, like usual, and hugged him. He patted her on the back, humoring her, and then walked away. She went off and started flirting with Mitch. You must have only seen part of it.”

That couldn’t be true, could it? If it was true, then I would have never walked down the beach with Drew, and I wouldn’t have been so distracted that I allowed him to kiss me. This whole mess was unraveling around me, and I knew I was at the center of all of it. What did I do?!

“But she said she was seeing him,” I whispered. “I was so pissed when she told me at my locker that day.”

“I would have a hard time believing anything she has to say. You know she hates you, right?”

“But, why?”

“Please don’t make me say it,” she huffed.

“Sara, did I totally screw this up?” The aching returned, but it was inside my chest, instead of my back.

“What do you want? You know that you and Evan stopped talking before Drew and Haley ever came into the picture – it had nothing to do with them.”

“But I didn’t help it any.” I sunk further into the couch.

“What about Drew?”

“I don’t know, Sara.” I was so confused about what I wanted and what was best, I couldn’t think straight. “He’s so nice and, come on, just look at him.” Sara smirked in agreement.

“But?” she encouraged.

I didn’t say anything for a minute. I was tormented by the thought of never talking to Evan again, but that wouldn’t change until I told him the truth – and that would never happen. So, where did that leave Drew? For some inexplicable reason, and without me realizing it was happening, Drew liked me. I couldn’t deny that, despite my inability to understand it.

“Being around Drew makes more sense,” I finally said.

“That’s the strangest reason to date someone that I’ve ever heard,” Sara responded.

“We’re dating?” I asked in disbelief.

“Em, he’s kissed you in public, he bought you flowers, and he calls me to check in on you – yeah, I’m pretty sure he thinks that.”

“He calls you too?!”

“Oh, yeah, sorry – I forgot to mention that. You’re right - he’s sweet, thoughtful, and beautiful.” She paused.

“But…” I waited.

“I’m not even going to finish that sentence.”

“Sara!”

“Why do I have be the one to say it out loud?!” Frustrated, she finally exclaimed, “He’s not Evan.”

I instantly recognized the truth in her words. But I also knew that the truth didn’t matter.

“Can we talk about something else?” I pleaded.

“You can’t avoid this forever,” she warned. “We’re going back to school on Monday, and they’re both going to be there.”

“Sara, Evan doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

“I don’t know, Em,” she said, reluctant to say anything more, but I saw it in her roaming eyes.

“Just tell me, Sara.”

Sara took a breath, pausing before she revealed, “Evan was really upset at the hospital. I talked to him alone for a while. He was hurt when you didn’t want to see him. He thinks he cares more about you than you do about him. I could tell he wasn’t comfortable talking to me about it, but I think he just needed to tell someone, if he couldn’t tell you. He wished things were the way they were before that weekend we went to the movies.”

So did I.

“Emma, he’s not stupid. He pretty much knows what’s going on at your house. You should have seen the way he looked at Carol and George when he realized who they were. He still cares about you. I think if you just talked to him…”

“I don’t think I can, Sara,” I whispered. She didn’t respond, but when she dropped her eyes to the floor, I knew that she didn’t like my decision. I still wouldn’t be able to tell him the truth, and I didn’t foresee that ever changing. I couldn’t hurt him again. We sat silently for a moment.

“Speaking of the unspeakable,” Sara said lowly, unable to meet my eyes. “Do you have to move back in with them?”

“Yeah,” I breathed.

“We have to stop her,’ she insisted. “There has to be a way without hurting the kids.”

“I don’t know…” I started, but was interrupted by Janet slowly opening the front door to give us plenty of warning that she was returning home.

“So, what else do you have to tell me?” I asked over emphatically to cover up the serious conversation.

Sara shrugged. Then her eyes got big. She hesitated, tormented whether she should tell me.

“Just tell me.”

“I went out on a couple of dates with Jared this week,” she blurted. She watched for my reaction, anticipating the worst. I wasn’t sure what to say.

“Okay,” I said slowly. “That’s great, right?”

“It was really great,” she glowed.

“How did it happen?” I asked, trying not to think of our night at the movies and how they hit it off, because then I’d have to think about that night with Evan – and how I’d never get it back.

“I called to return his flashlight. We started talking. Then he called me later that night, and we talked some more. He asked me out and I said yes.”

“Leaving out the details?” I noticed. A vague account of dates wasn’t Sara’s style.

“I didn’t know if it was going to be weird for you since he’s Evan’s brother. But I had to tell you, or else I was going to burst. I can leave out the other stuff if you’d rather not hear it.”

“No, I want to hear everything,” I replied honestly.

Sara went on to talk about their dinner date in Boston and another in New York. Her eyes sparkled as she gushed about her time with Jared. As much as I was happy for her, this strange hollow sensation filled my stomach. Was I jealous? I pushed away the selfish emotion and smiled.

“And the second night, he kissed me. It was the most amazing kiss ever. I thought I was going to fall over.” Sara beamed as the memory danced across her eyes.

“What are you going to do now? I mean, he’s going back to New York, right?”

“Yeah, he left this morning,” she sighed. “It was the best time I’ve ever had, but he goes to college in New York.” She shrugged, smiling contently.

“That’s it?”

“Yeah, that’s it. Honestly, I didn’t expect anything else. I knew when I went out with him that that was probably going to be it.”

“Then why’d you do it?” I questioned in confusion.

“Why not?!” she answered enthusiastically. “I’d rather have these incredible memories of the two nights I spent with him, knowing that I probably won’t go out with him again, than not to have had them at all.”

“Huh,” I pondered, intrigued by Sara’s perception. Her words sat with me long after she left that afternoon.

I continued thinking about what she said when I lay in bed that night. Was it better to get as much out of the moment as possible, knowing it could slip out from under you in a second? Was the actual experience better than the inevitable conclusion? I guess I had to decide if the conclusion was a broken heart, or a broken bone, in order to weigh the risk.

I didn’t sleep well that night. My dreams swirled together in an incoherent jumble of images. I’m certain my restlessness was provoked by the conversation with Sara. Then again, I knew George was picking me up in the morning.





George and I sat in silence for the first part of the car ride – I stared out the window and he kept his eyes glued to the road.

“It would be best if you weren’t around Carol very much,” he finally said. His voice drew my attention. I wasn’t surprised he refused to look over at me. “She’s been under a lot of stress, and the new medication she’s on is affecting her moods. You can stay in your room and eat after we do, like you did before, but I’ll take care of the dishes. You just worry about getting your Saturday chores done while she’s out shopping.

“I spoke with the McKinley’s. They’re willing to help us out by letting you spend Saturday’s there, after you do your chores, and any Friday nights when you have a basketball game. They’re sympathetic to Carol’s stress and are very thoughtful to have offered. So please don’t make this any more difficult. Sunday’s you can spend at the library, like you have been. Emma, I don’t think I have to remind you that what happens in our house, stays in our house.”

I didn’t react to his subtle threat. He had just taken away the remnants of the only family I had – regardless of how dysfunctional. I knew I wouldn’t be able to spend time with the kids, and he’d speak to me even less now than he did before – it sunk in that I was truly alone.

My world was delicately balanced, but the scales never hung even. When something improved, something else had to crumble. Accepting this would be the hardest thing I’d ever have to learn, and even when I came to know it as true, it still crushed me.